Head of the River

by Pip Harry

  ‘You are more handsome and grown up every time I see you,’ she says, flirting. She leans in and squeezes my arm aggressively. ‘How come you don’t have a little girlfriend?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I say, backing away from Kitty and her cougar paws and heading outside where the music is thumping at high volume and most of the girls are putting pockmarks in the purpose-built dance floor.

  I grab an expensive foreign beer from a silver ice bucket. I’m drinking too fast, but it’s one of those nights that you have to erase as you go.

  ‘Look who made it!’ shouts Adam. He’s beefed up and showing it off in a white singlet. A random Year Ten girl hangs off him adoringly.

  ‘Who’s this?’ I ask, feeling protective and giving the girl a death stare. I wasn’t going to stand there and let Adam cheat on my sister with some bimbo.

  Adam lets the girl loose. Comes over to me, dropping the act.

  ‘Leni and I broke up. It wasn’t working.’

  ‘Sorry, man,’ I say. ‘Maybe it’s for the best. You’re off to Aspen for Christmas, right? Don’t want to miss out on the snow-bunny action.’

  Adam drops his shoulders and runs a palm across his forehead. ‘Between you and me, your sister broke me. No matter what I did it wasn’t good enough for her.’

  ‘I doubt that’s true.’

  ‘I don’t think she ever loved me. Not like I loved her.’

  I want to tell him Leni did love him. That they have a shot at getting back together, but it would be lies. I never thought they were a good match. Something was off. Leni became less herself around him. The keener he was, the more she retreated.

  He looks bereft and we both sink into a bummed-out silence.

  ‘Come on,’ I say, trying to cheer him up. ‘This is a party. Where’s Penny Mission? I was promised a mini skirt.’

  Adam points across the pool to the barbecue area, where a hired chef is whipping up seafood skewers and gourmet hot dogs.

  Looking at Penny chewing on a prawn, I suddenly feel shy. The booze has turned me thick and stupid, not invincible like I thought it would.

  ‘Need to get this into me first. Dutch courage,’ I say, sculling from the beer.

  Adam clinks his bottle against mine. ‘To getting back in the firsts,’ he says. ‘That’s all that matters now.’

  ‘The firsts.’

  I lose count of the beers it takes to approach Penny. All on an empty stomach, too. By the time I make it over to her, I’m concentrating very hard on walking in a straight line. She notices.

  ‘Woah, Cristian, had a few?’ she says.

  One of her friends giggles. I try to act sober and lean heavily against the pool fence to keep me from falling over. ‘Penny. Would you do me the honour of going for a walk around the garden?’ I ask.

  Penny’s friend gives her a look, but she nods.

  ‘Sure. If you can still walk.’

  I offer her my arm, but as it turns out, I need propping up more than she does. She guides me to a pair of pool lounges and I fall back into one, gratefully. I could easily pass out, snoring, but I try to focus on what she’s saying. She is so pretty. I think about reaching out and stroking her thigh.

  ‘Are you okay? About Sam Cam getting Captain of Boats?’

  ‘Fine. Totally fine,’ I say, not wanting to relive the awful moment. ‘Now can I get you a drink, young lady? Anything you like. My shout.’

  Penny laughs. ‘I’m not drinking.’

  ‘No?’

  ‘I’ve got my dad’s birthday breakfast tomorrow morning. We’re going out to this place by the beach. Besides, I don’t like the taste.’

  I’m disappointed I can’t get her a little tipsy. I stagger out of my lounge and squash in next to her.

  ‘We don’t fit,’ she says, giggling.

  I sit up and put my arm around her, leaning in for a kiss. She pushes at my chest and turns her head away.

  ‘No, Cris.’

  My head spins wildly and an eject button is pushed in my guts sending a rush of saliva into my mouth. I don’t have time to stagger to the nearest fancy soft-close toilet and in a spectacular romance fail, I vomit all over Penny’s lap.

  Leni

  Mum comes into my room and shuts the door.

  ‘Am I in trouble?’

  ‘Of course not.’

  ‘I wanted to help Dad.’

  ‘Yes, I know. Vas had so much to say. Too much probably. This meant quite a lot to him.’

  ‘Is he upset with me?’

  ‘No. Just himself. He feels he let us down. I told him to forget about it, everyone gets nervous. Sometimes we say the wrong things. Sometimes nothing at all. The end result is the same. There’s a boat, with your father’s name on it. Soon, that boat will get rigged up and taken out onto the water. Nothing can take that away from him. What about you, Leni? Are you okay? You seem down.’

  ‘Adam and I broke up.’

  Mum pulls me into a hug. ‘Oh, sweetie. I’m sorry to hear that. I like Adam.’

  ‘He dumped me and I was voted rowing captain, but Cristian wasn’t. I always thought it would be us together. Cris and I had a fight. He told me I always had to win.’

  Mum looks at me seriously.

  ‘When you were a toddler I couldn’t take you to parks without fences. Cristian, he would happily sit by my side, but you would take off like a rocket. I’d turn my head and you’d be running into the distance. Gone. You’ve always been an adventurer. Someone others follow. You’ll be a great captain. Just don’t forget to trust your teammates to make it work in the boat. Let them help you achieve your dreams.’

  ‘I will, Mum.’

  I might have photos of other athletes on my wall, but Mum is my true sports hero.

  ‘And who is the boys’ captain? Sam?’

  ‘How did you know?’

  ‘That one’s easy to pick. He’s like you, Leni. Out on the water you have the same look in your eyes.’

  ‘What look?’

  ‘Like a fire has started that you can’t put out.’

  She looks into my eyes until I blink and we both laugh.

  ‘Yes. You have it. I had it. Your dad had it.’

  ‘Cristian?’

  ‘Maybe a flicker. Walk a little taller at the boatsheds. You are Elena Popescu, Captain of Boats. Not bad, kid.’

  ‘Yes, Mum. Don’t you start early tomorrow? You should be in bed.’

  ‘You? Telling me to go to bed? Boy, my job is done, hey? I have a grown-up woman now. Not a little girl.’

  ‘Mum, can I go round to Audrey’s? I need a friend tonight.’

  ‘Sure, you want a lift?’

  ‘I’ll ride.’

  ‘Okay. Not too late.’

  I chain up my bike and knock on Audrey’s door, holding a plastic bag with a tub of melting cookies and cream ice-cream. I can see the TV light flickering through the frosted glass, but there’s no answer. I dial her number from my phone and hear it ringing in the house somewhere. I knock again on the windowpane through the security bars.

  ‘Who is it?’ Audrey asks.

  ‘It’s Leni.’

  She opens the door, looking sleepy in boxers and a boy’s T-shirt.

  ‘Did I wake you?’ It’s barely 8 pm. What’s she doing in bed?

  I hold up my ice-cream. ‘Got spoons?’

  Audrey gives me a weird look. ‘Um. Can we maybe do this tomorrow night?’

  ‘What’s wrong with tonight?’

  ‘Audrey! Get back here my sexy wench! I’m not done with you!’ booms a guy’s voice from inside the house.

  ‘Kieren’s here? Isn’t he on schoolies’ week?’

  ‘He was but he came back early. He missed me.’

  ‘Sorry, Audrey. I’ll go.’

  Audrey walks onto the front verandah. ‘Are
you okay, Leni?’

  Why does everyone keep asking me that?

  ‘I thought we could hang out. Never mind.’

  Kieren lumbers out of the house, a towel wrapped around his waist and his hair messed up. It could not be a more embarrassing moment for all three of us. I feel like the squeakiest third wheel.

  ‘Hi Leni,’ he says, looking at his bare feet and pulling his towel up higher.

  For some reason I start crying. I fumble with my bike chain, practically ripping the lock open. As I speed off down the street, Audrey shouts, ‘Wait! Leni, come back!’

  I finally slow down at a park in the shadows of the housing commission flats on Gertrude Street. I’m not ready to go home. I scroll through my phone’s contact list. Could I call someone in my crew? Penny maybe? No. She was at Adam’s party with Cristian. Besides, we weren’t close. I wouldn’t let her in, no matter how hard she was knocking. Aiko, Rachel, Millie? All I really talked to them about was rowing. Erg times. Weights. Runs. Who were these girls I spent so much time with?

  What was it that Dad always said? ‘You’ll meet the best friends of your life on the river, Leni.’ Wasn’t happening to me. Outside of rowing, there was a distance between me and my crew. Had I put it there? Pushed them away like I did to Adam? I sit down on the swing set and push my legs back and forth, gathering momentum.

  A group of women watch me from a nearby picnic table. I kick my legs harder, throwing my head back and looking at the outlines of the graceful ghost gums and the sun draining out of the sky, leaving behind a fingernail clipping of moon. Feeling my stomach drop away. I put my headphones on, listening to music as I let myself go completely. I miss this. Being a kid. Thinking if I kicked my legs a bit harder I could go the whole way round.

  ‘Hey girl, you like swings? You a big kid, are ya?’ laughs one of the women as I pedal past them. ‘Got any money?’

  ‘I wish I was a kid,’ I say, handing the woman a few gold coins from my purse.

  I cycle past the shop that sells only cookbooks, Trippy Taco and a Bar called Barry. Swerve in and out of the statues of three oversized matryoshka dolls on the footpath. That’s what I am – a matryoshka doll. Too many layers hiding the real, smaller me.

  Cristian

  As it turns out there’s no apology big enough for emptying the contents of your stomach into a girl’s new mini skirt. I’m trying to clean Penny up by taking off my school shirt and mopping around her lap area. This is making the situation considerably worse.

  ‘Get away!’ screams Penny. ‘Ugh. This is the most disgusting thing that’s ever happened to me.’

  I back away with my sodden, reeking shirt as her friends swoop in, whisking her away to one of the eight marbled bathrooms for a complete hose off.

  ‘I have a spare outfit,’ says one of them. ‘You can have a shower, Penny. Get that filth off you.’

  ‘You are a complete pig,’ says the other.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Penny,’ I plead.

  One of the bouncers grabs me by the arm in a grip so tight I’m sure it will leave a mark.

  ‘We’ve called you a taxi, son,’ he says. ‘We suggest you take it.’

  I look for Adam, but he’s out of sight, so I let myself be led out of the garden, head down and shirtless as if I’ve been collared by the police.

  I want to break away, find Penny. If I wasn’t such a mess I’d tell her that I haven’t ruined something so perfect since I crashed my Revell Super Hornet model plane by throwing it off the roof, when I was eight. I shake myself free of the bouncer as we reach the wide, quiet street outside. I slam my fists into the high hedge lining the Langley property. Ripping and pulling at the perfectly trimmed branches.

  ‘Oi! Settle down!’ shouts the bouncer.

  My hands nicked and bleeding, I leap into the waiting cab and tell him to drive. Now. Fast. Back to where I come from. Back to the other side.

  Leni

  I’m sneaking in round the side of the house, trying to avoid more parental advice. Our back garden has always been a magical place. There’s a weathered cubby Dad built when Cristian and I were preschoolers which still has our chalk marks, a trampoline where Mum taught me how to backflip and a Tarzan rope hanging from the jacaranda tree. When he was ten Cristian could shimmy up it in seconds and fling himself into the air, hooting like a monkey. I used to spend every spare minute here. Now, I barely step foot outside unless to grab my bike from the shed.

  I’m slow to notice the light flashing in the tree house. When I do, it’s too late.

  ‘Leni?’ Dad calls from his hidey hole in the trees. ‘Come see your father.’

  I climb up the ladder, crawling into the small space. He’s wearing a miner’s light strapped to his forehead and lying on one of Mum’s yoga mats with a triangle pillow for his head.

  He pats next to him, flicks off the light. ‘Look at moon. Hardly there at all.’

  ‘Why you up here, Dad?’

  ‘Jodie told me go to man cave until calm down.’

  Mum often sent Dad out to the tree house in frustration. Where she was calm and level, he was irrational and quick-fused.

  ‘What are you reading?’ I ask, picking up the book he has draped in a V-shape over his knees.

  It’s an English language textbook. Nearby is a pile of my old primary schoolbooks with large print and simple storylines.

  ‘How else will I get to coach first eight?’ Dad asks. ‘If English isn’t better?’

  I remember that Dad also likes to win. He wants to lead the top crew as much as I do.

  ‘How come you didn’t learn English when you first came to Australia?’

  ‘Jodie organised literacy courses in city,’ says Dad. ‘I thought waste of time. Why study when I can row? The guys in my crew taught me swear words, how to order beer. Enough to get by. I never made effort. Not like you. You good girl, Leni, you work hard. I’m proud of you.’

  ‘Your speaking isn’t too bad,’ I say. Trying to make him feel better. ‘You do get by.’

  ‘What’s the saying? Can’t teach old dog new things?’

  ‘You’re not an old dog yet,’ I say. Although he has more grey hair than black these days.

  ‘I’m sorry, Dad,’ I blurt out. ‘I didn’t mean to take over your speech. I was only trying to help.’

  ‘You saved me from looking fool. Too much I wanted to say. Most of all thank you to my family for putting up with me.’

  ‘We don’t put up with you. We love you.’

  Dad holds out an arm and I slide in under it, feeling safe. It’s nice to get close again. He smells the same as I remember when I was a kid. Like soap and boat grease.

  ‘Mum say you and Adam broke up?’ he says. ‘Are you broken heart?’

  ‘No. Just, disappointed. I don’t like it when I can’t make things work.’

  ‘Adam good boy. But he have complicated life. Plenty on your plate next year rowing in firsts and final year. You’ll be a fine Captain of Boats.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘Go inside now. Your mum not relax until all kids back home. I’ve got reading.’

  He opens his book again, turns on the miner’s light and squints at the page, sounding out the words.

  Cristian

  My mouth is talcum-powder dry and there’s not a single drop of water in my room. It’s the Sahara and I can’t bring myself to leave the room to look for an oasis. I’m trying not to move my head, willing someone to arrive with a bucket of drinkable liquid. I’ve slept in last night’s clothes and my room smells like last night. Awful. My eyes hurt. Even the hairs on my body hurt. Some of the night comes back to me. Shards of it piercing my brain. I make a fist and wince. My hands are ripped up. Oh dear, the hedges. Penny. Oh my God. No.

  I scramble for my phone in the bed sheets and read the messages on it, all my worst fears confirmed.

  Ad
am: Gotta learn to hold your piss Poppa! Call me when you’ve slept it off.

  Charley: You are going to hate yourself tomorrow.

  There’s a photo attached of me doing something unspeakable with a swimming noodle. I’d laugh, but I feel more like crying. There’s a knock at my door.

  ‘What?’

  Leni opens the door a crack, peers in. She looks nervous and I remember how big a dickhead I was to her last night. Another apology to make.

  ‘It stinks in here.’

  Leni holds her sleeve up to her nose.

  ‘Big night?’

  ‘You could say that.’

  ‘Is it true you barfed on Penny Mission?’

  ‘Affirmative.’

  ‘That’s too bad. Penny’s a good chick. She might even have liked you before she was anointed in your leftover lunch.’

  ‘Have you heard from her?’ I ask.

  ‘It’s not good news, bro.’

  I groan and pull my pillow over my face.

  ‘She hates me.’

  ‘Well, maybe hate is too strong a word. But she doesn’t want much to do with you after last night. You know she’s never been kissed before?’

  ‘No. That makes me feel so much worse.’

  ‘I think she was hoping it would be a bit more romantic than some dude chucking up all over her.’

  ‘I wanted it to be romantic. That’s it. I’m never drinking beer again.’

  ‘Yes, you will.’

  ‘I’m a loser.’

  ‘No, you’re not. You got drunk and acted like one,’ says Leni.

  She leaves the room and returns with a big glass of water. She puts it on the table next to me and I grab it and drain it.

  ‘I’m so sorry about the things I said last night. I’m glad you got Captain of Boats. I’m proud of you. I was just gutted I didn’t get captain too. It’s bad enough being in the seconds.’

  ‘You should’ve gotten boys’ captain.’

  ‘No. Sam will be good. He’s a better choice than me.’