Much Ado About Nothing
Retold by Jenny Oldfield
Illustrated by Serena Curmi
Contents
List of characters
Act One
Act Two
Act Three
Act Four
Act Five
About the Author
List of characters
Claudia Ricci, Lite reporter
Leonato Ianucci, AC Messina’s owner
Don Pedro, AC Messina’s coach
Claudio, AC Messina’s star striker
Benedick, AC Messina’s top defender
Hero, Leonato’s daughter
Beatrice, Leonato’s niece
John, Don Pedro’s brother
Antonio, Leonato’s brother
Conrade, John’s friend
Borachio, John’s friend
Margaret, Hero’s friend
Ursula, Hero’s friend
Luigi Salvo, AC Messina’s physio
Dogberry, security guard
Priest
Act One
We Are the Champions
Major hunk alert! This is your Lite Entertainment correspondent speaking to you from the baking tarmac of Messina airport as our cup-winning squad fly home to a heroes’ welcome. Lite has been given special access to film events on the days following the biggest international footballing triumph since Italy won the World Cup. My name is Claudia Ricci and I’m happy to be your guide.
As you can see, a massive crowd of fans has gathered to greet the all-star team. Amongst them a gaggle of A-listers are here for this celeb-strewn celebration. I honestly can’t move for Gucci gowns and Laboutin heels.
Here on my right I can pick out the club’s sponsor, international financier Leonato Ianucci, his daughter, Hero, and her girl-about-town cousin, Beatrice, all gagging to congratulate our winning team. And lucky me – I’m near enough to listen to the AC Messina lowdown from long-time team physio, Luigi Salvo, who flew in ahead of the boys.
‘They’re coming into gate H5, right?’ Leonato wants to know.
‘Yeah, that’s them taxiing towards us as we speak.’
‘Terrific final. Great play. But did the game throw up any serious injuries?’ Leonato is already looking ahead, worrying about the next match.
‘A couple of minor niggles, that’s all.’ Luigi is happy to put the money man’s mind to rest.
‘And Claudio was Man of the Match?’
The physio is craning to get a look at the plane, but he can’t get away, not from the man who pays his wages. ‘He deserved it. He was everywhere – up front to score, back in defence when it was needed. The kid was phenomenal!’
‘His family will be over the moon,’ Leonato comments.
I lean across with my microphone, recording every word.
And now Beatrice butts in. To be fair, it’s been at least sixty seconds since the girl last opened her mouth. ‘So is Benedick on the plane with the others?’ she asks Luigi.
‘The last I heard he was.’
‘I’m amazed!’ (She isn’t really – she’s just saying it for effect.) ‘That he reached the airport in time,’ she explains to Hero and her uncle. ‘What with all those girls he had to say goodbye to.’
‘That’s a little harsh,’ Leonato warns. He’s just noticed me and my cameraman. ‘Benedick played brilliantly. He was up there with Claudio for Man of the Match.’
‘Oh, Man of the Match. I’m sure that’s what the girls called him,’ Beatrice flashes back.
Uncle Leo picks up on what she’s trying to imply. ‘I’m talking about his performance on the field, what are you talking about?’
Beatrice can’t resist playing on the double meaning. ‘Yes, Uncle – Benedick’s “performance on the field”, what else?’
Leonato doesn’t bat an eyelid. ‘I don’t know and I don’t want to know anything about Benedick’s private life, unless it gets into the papers and affects his game. All I do know is that you two will be at each others’ throats before he even has time to unpack his cupwinner’s medal.’
Cue more smart remarks from Beatrice. ‘The latest score is four–nil, to me. Benedick may be a soccer hero, but off the pitch he doesn’t stand a cat in hell’s chance, and he knows it. Anyway, Luigi, who’s he hanging out with and corrupting these days?’
Luigi looks for wriggle room. He glances at his watch, then out at the runway.
‘Come on – give me a name,’ Beatrice insists.
‘I guess that would be Claudio,’ Luigi mumbles apologetically.
‘Oh, totally tragic! Poor Claudio!’ Beatrice goes OTT as usual. ‘Tell him to ditch Benedick at once. Claudio’s young and innocent – the paparazzi will grind him to a pulp!’
Luigi is half swamped by a crowd of photographers rushing to gate H5. ‘I didn’t hear that,’ he mutters.
‘Take no notice,’ Leonato says. ‘Beatrice loves to be outrageous, but she doesn’t mean anything by it.’
Beatrice looks as if she’s about to answer back again, but now the plane doors are open and the team are stepping down onto the red carpet. Cameras flash, and at last poor Luigi can escape.
Don Pedro, immaculately dressed in a dark-blue designer suit, is leading the boys into the full glare of the crowd. Click-flash-click! He makes a beeline for Leonato and clasps his arms, kissing him on both cheeks. ‘Good to see you, sir.’
‘I’m overjoyed – wouldn’t have missed this homecoming for the world,’ Leonato tells him.
There’s more camera action, more shoving and yelling.
‘Claudio, look over here! Hold up the cup. Look this way!’
Click-flash-click! Claudio raises the silverware above his head, Benedick by his side.
In the hustle and bustle, Don Pedro turns to Hero and does the huggy-kissy thing again. ‘You have one proud dad,’ he tells her. ‘You must be very happy for him.’
‘Hero was born happy,’ Beatrice cuts in. ‘When have you ever seen her sad?’
Suddenly, Benedick materialises out of nowhere, ready to suck up to the boss. ‘Who wouldn’t be happy to have Leonato for a dad?’
And Beatrice is back, quick as a flash. ‘Who asked you?’ she wants to know.
But Benedick doesn’t even look her way, let alone answer the question. ‘Still here?’ he sighs.
‘Unluckily for you. You’ve never been my flavour of the month, remember?’
‘Doesn’t bother me.’ The guy is A-list arrogant and doesn’t care who knows it. ‘The whole world is full of women ready to fall at my feet. One exception makes no difference to me. Anyway, I’m not interested in wannabe WAGs.’
‘Thank god! That makes one less sex-mad, self-centred womaniser to worry about.’ Beatrice doesn’t pull her punches. ‘And, amazingly, it’s the one thing we agree on. Like you, I haven’t got time for the opposite sex. I’d donate all my Laboutins to charity, every single pair, rather than show a nano-grain of interest in a run-of-the-mill soccer hero!’
This time, Benedick can’t help reacting. He’s angry and he shows it. ‘Good – keep thinking like that. And mind you keep your claws away from my face!’
‘My claws couldn’t make you uglier than you already are.’
‘Pot – kettle – black!’ Benedick retorts, as the press crowd in.
‘Typical!’ snorts Beatrice. ‘And don’t worry – I’m not about to lower myself to your level.’
Leonato sees it’s time for him to step in and do something quick. And he only goes and invites the whole team to spend a month at his swanky seaside villa. That’s everyone – players, coaches, physios, plus me and my camera crew. Even Pedro’s brother, John, is included, though rumour has it that John and Pedro were involved in some major brotherly sp
at during the early stages of Messina’s cup bid. I hope to find out more about that later.
John growls a quick thank you. I mean, who would say no to sun, sea and as many WAGs as you could possibly want?
Now there’s one last smile from the team for the world’s press, before the open-top bus whisks everyone away to Leonato’s luxury pad.
I’m still a fly on the wall, squeezed in behind Claudio and Benedick, as the Man of the Match sneaks a chance to confide in his new best buddy.
‘Did you clock Hero back there at the airport?’
‘Sure.’ Benedick is busy waving to the fans that line the streets.
‘Didn’t you think she was looking hot?’
‘You do realise that you’re asking the opinion of the biggest commitment-phobe on the planet.’ Benedick is still waving.
‘I’m serious!’ Claudio insists.
‘OK, if you must know, I think Hero’s too short – I prefer tall girls. And she’s dark – I prefer blondes. Apart from that, yeah – she’s hot. Though I still don’t give her more than seven out of ten.’
‘I’m not kidding, Ben. Tell me what you really think.’
‘Why? Is she on the market?’
Claudio leans forward in his seat. ‘You don’t talk that way about a girl like Hero!’
At last Benedick stops waving to give the kid the benefit of his wide experience. ‘Since you scored the winning goal, you can get any girl you want – and don’t look at me like I said something you didn’t already know!’
‘OK, but I still say Hero’s different. Nicer, sweeter, prettier…’
‘You’re kidding. Are we talking about the same woman? Now take her cousin, Beatrice. If she’d just keep her mouth shut, you’d soon realise she’s way above Hero in the looks department. Anyhow, you’re not thinking of making a move in Hero’s direction, I hope.’
I notice there’s a long silence between the question and Claudio’s answer.
‘I guess that’s a yes,’ the striker finally admits.
Just then, the bus driver puts on the brakes. We have arrived at Leonato’s villa.
‘What am I hearing?’ Benedick cries. ‘And what has happened to my new drinking buddy? You do realise that you’re putting your head right into the noose?’ He means it. There’s a long pause, and then he adds, ‘Just don’t come running to me when you’re bored. Hey, Pedro, listen to this!’
The team coach is about to get off the bus, but he turns to join in Benedick’s bit of fun. ‘OK, guys, what’s up?’
‘Promise not to tell anyone,’ Benedick grins. ‘Only Claudio here is in lurve! And before you ask, the lucky girl is Hero!’
‘Hold on…’ Claudio’s protest is pretty feeble. ‘OK, I admit it,’ he sighs, going all red and awkward. Bless!
The coach gives it some thought. ‘Good luck to you, son.’ More thought. ‘She’s a nice girl.’
‘You’re not just saying that?’ Claudio checks.
‘No, it’s true.’
Benedick breaks the mood by bursting out laughing. ‘Absolutely true!’ He gets up and heads for the door. ‘Just don’t ask me for advice – I know nothing about lurve!’
‘Cynic!’ Pedro shouts after him, then slaps Claudio on the back.
They climb down from the bus, and vanish between the marble columns at the entrance to Leonato’s villa.
‘I reckon Benedick’s not as anti-woman as he makes out,’ Claudio confides to his coach as they go inside. ‘It’s all a big act.’
‘I heard that!’ The man himself stops in his tracks. ‘Listen, my mother’s a woman, I’ll give you that. But that’s as far as it goes. I wouldn’t trust another not to make a fool out of me, and that’s the reason I plan to stay single for the rest of my life.’
‘Ha!’ Pedro’s expression says he’s heard it all before. ‘What’s the betting you fall for some girl and start acting the lovesick fool before we know it?’
But Ben’s having none of it. ‘I may fall sick for other reasons, boss, but not over a woman!’
‘Yeah, yeah…’
‘If I’m wrong, you can tell me what an idiot I’ve been. I’ll own up to it, no problem,’ he insists.
Pedro winks at Claudio and they join the rest of the players who are crowding round the infinity pool at the back of Leonato’s villa. ‘Stranger things have happened,’ he jokes.
Benedick strolls to the edge of the terrace and looks out over olive groves to the distant hills. ‘If I do fall in love and get married, feel free to make me a laughing stock,’ he says. ‘But I’m telling you straight, I’d rather walk into the epicentre of an earthquake, the eye of a tornado, whatever…’
‘I hear you,’ Pedro laughs. ‘But right now I’m starving. Go and ask Leonato what time we’re going to eat.’
Our soccer star doesn’t take well to being treated as a gofer, but he knows better than to argue with his coach. So he trots off on the errand while Pedro and Claudio lie down on loungers beside the pool.
It’s not long before Claudio is back on his favourite topic. ‘Boss, do you mind if I ask you a favour?’ he mutters shyly.
‘Ask away. You won us the cup – you’re my golden boy. Is it to do with the girl?’
‘Hero? Yeah. I knew her before, but I never took much notice of her. There was too much on my mind in the build up to the cup. But now that’s over, it’s hit me hard. I think she’s gorgeous. I can’t get her out of my head – her hair, her face, her skin…’
‘Way too much information!’ Pedro raises a hand to stop the flow. ‘You want me to have a word with her? I know you’re shy, kid, so I take it that’s the favour you wanted to ask.’
‘Thanks. That’s what I was leading up to.’
‘Consider it done. I’m happy to help, and here’s the plan.’ Pedro talks to Claudio as if they’re discussing team tactics before a match. ‘Leonato’s throwing a big party tonight. Fancy dress. So let me dress up as you and treat Hero to some of my best chat-up lines. I’ll tell her I’m smitten and all the rest. She’ll fall for it, big time. Then I’ll sort it all out with her dad. By the time the party’s over, you’ll be able to call in the wedding planner!’
This might sound to you like a halfway decent plan, given that Claudio’s mega shy and all that, but I have the knack of making sure I’m in the right place at the right time and I soon hit a complication. It happens a few minutes later, when Leonato is fussing about music for the party and he bumps into his doddery older brother, Antonio.
‘Do you have a minute?’ Antonio asks.
‘I can give you thirty seconds,’ Leonato agrees.
‘I was out by the pool just now. I overheard Pedro talking to Claudio.’
(Oh dear! Careless talk can be dangerous. You especially, Pedro, should know how important it is to check for the presence of reporters…)
‘So?’ Leo counts the seconds.
‘Pedro’s been telling Claudio he has a thing about … well, actually that he’s in love with your daughter! He plans to tell her tonight and then ask you if he can marry her.’
(And if you’re gonna snoop, Antonio, then at least follow the basic rule of all good journalism and that is to get your facts right!)
‘OK. You’d better warn Hero what to expect.’ Leonato dashes off.
In my opinion, even though he’s rushed off his feet, the guy should have given this news about his daughter a lot more thought.
I’m still working out the implications of this basic factual error and putting finishing touches to my fancy-dress costume when I run into laugh-a-minute John and a shady-looking guy called Conrade, who I haven’t seen before.
‘Why the long face?’ Conrade asks. And he makes a small attempt to cheer up John.
But misery guts is having none of it. ‘Why fake it?’ he grumbles. ‘I am what I am and I intend to stay miserable – OK!’
Conrade doesn’t see it that way. ‘Not OK. I’m all for faking, especially if you want to stick around and get back in Pedro’s good books.’
If John wants to carry on lounging by the pool, this seems like good advice, but here’s what Mr Sunshine thinks:
‘I’d rather be kicked out onto the street than act all nicey nicey. I was born bad and that’s the bottom line, take it or leave it. Nobody puts a muzzle on me, and people had better watch out, because I bite!’
I’m shaking in my shoes, but Conrade comes over with the pop psychology. ‘Maybe you could channel all this anger instead,’ he suggests.
But then another piece of lowlife called Borachio turns up. (You’d think Leonato would have more sense than to let these guys into his house.) ‘The party’s started,’ he announces. ‘And expect a major splash for the gossip mags – a marriage is on the cards.’
(Tut-tut, the world and his wife seems to have got hold of the story, but at least Borachio has the right end of the stick.)
‘Claudio wants to propose to Hero,’ he tells John and Conrade. ‘But it’s complicated – the kid’s too shy to do the deed, so Pedro’s planning to go in disguise and chat up Hero for him.’
When he hears this, John’s miserable face lights up. I’m talking personality transplant. ‘I can use this!’ he cries. ‘And when I’m through with Claudio, he definitely won’t be my brother’s Man of the Match!’
Act Two
Party With the Stars
Hello again, viewers, as you join me, Claudia Ricci, to party with top footballers and fashionistas in the idyllic Italian Riviera. Tonight I can reveal exclusively for Lite Entertainment the full facts about the stars and their stunning fancy-dress costumes. And you can bet it’s going to be a gathering that the guests will remember for the rest of their lives!
Right now I’m standing here on the sprawling terrace of Leonato’s fairytale villa, where no expense has been spared on an extravagant display of white peonies and roses, mingling with thousands of Swarovski crystals and glimmering candles. Let’s step back and watch as our AC Messina heroes gather under the stars.
Look, here comes Leonato, checking off the guests.
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