‘Has anyone seen John?’ he asks.
Antonio tells him no, then Beatrice comes in with one of her famous one-liners: ‘The guy’s so sour it gives me indigestion just looking at him!’
This leads into a heated debate between her, Hero and Leonato about party pooper, John. Bea compares him with Benedick, and can’t resist putting them both down.
Leonato tuts. ‘You’ll never find a husband if you keep on like that.’
‘Fine by me,’ Beatrice retorts. ‘Lord save me from a husband with a beard for a start. It’d be like sleeping with a woolly blanket!’
‘So find one without a beard,’ Leonato suggests.
‘What, you mean a lady-boy!’
This brings gasps and giggles, so Bea carries on. ‘At least a man with a beard is a genuine grown-up. No, I don’t want either one with a beard or one without. I’d rather show up as I am in hell and get sent to heaven for being a virgin. I’d find lots of eligible guys in heaven and I’d be perfectly happy!’
It’s obvious Antonio doesn’t get Beatrice’s sense of humour. He drops Hero a line of what he thinks is sensible advice: ‘Don’t try to be like her – do what your father tells you.’
‘Yeah, Hero, do your duty,’ Beatrice grins. ‘But don’t say yes to an ugly guy on any account!’ And she laughs out loud when old Antonio says he hopes she’ll find herself a husband one day. ‘Never!’ she cries.
Leonato gives up on her and turns to his daughter. ‘Remember, if Pedro proposes to you tonight, your answer is yes.’
‘Wait, wait!’ Beatrice steps in. ‘Don’t let Pedro push you into anything rash. Men do that, you know. They sweep you off your feet during the wooing phase, like they’re involved in some up-tempo dance routine – you haven’t got time to work out what’s real and what’s fake. Then it all slows down for the wedding march, and after you’re married, love goes pear-shaped and completely out of tune.’
‘Too true,’ Leonato can be heard to mutter. He’s probably lost a fortune in divorce settlements.
A boy band starts to play and now it’s dressing-up time. We all put on our masks and a new group of guests burst onto the terrace. Before they disappear behind their disguises, I pick out Pedro, Claudio, Benedick, John and his buddy Borachio, plus a load of other hangers-on. Pedro makes a beeline for Hero.
Lights, camera, action!
‘Come for a walk,’ is Pedro’s opening line.
Pushover Hero says yes. They go out past the pool, where it’s quieter.
But more interesting for me and my crew right now is what’s occurring between Beatrice and Benedick.
‘So, should I know you?’ she asks from behind her mask. Obviously she already recognises him.
‘No. Should I know you?’ He’s put on a funny false voice that makes me want to laugh.
Beatrice lets him have it with both barrels. ‘Did you hear the latest? Motor-mouth Benedick is going around telling people I’m too up myself! D’you know Benedick? He’s the joker who hangs out with Pedro and Claudio, telling lousy gags. No one likes him – they all talk about him behind his back.’
Benedick is so upset, he almost drops the act. Luckily for him, the band cranks up the volume and the pair of them get dragged onto the dance floor, leaving John and Borachio plenty of time to get their knives into unsuspecting Claudio.
‘Benedick – over here!’ they hiss, knowing full well who he really is.
Claudio’s confused, but he decides to play along with their so-called gaffe.
‘Did you know my brother fancies Hero?’ John says. ‘You know her, don’t you, Benedick? Couldn’t you have a word – tell her Pedro’s out of her league?’
‘How do you know Pedro fancies her?’ Claudio stammers.
‘I just heard him chatting her up.’
‘Me, too,’ Borachio chips in, before the slimy pair drift off.
This leaves Claudio not thinking straight and ready to believe anything. He’s so discombobulated, he starts talking to himself: ‘Pedro lied to me. He’s chasing Hero for himself, the rat. That’s what happens between mates when there’s a woman in the picture. Anyway, I’d better kiss goodbye to any chance I had of getting her.’
Watch out, Claudio, here comes Mr Commitment-phobe, Benedick himself. Now he’s not going to be any help, is he?
‘Sorry, mate, you have to face it – Pedro made a play for Hero and she fell for it.’ Like Beatrice, Benedick never holds back.
‘Good luck to him,’ Claudio mutters.
‘Who’d have thought it?’
‘Look, Benedick – just leave me alone, OK.’
‘Hey, don’t shoot the messenger,’ Benedick raises his hands, but Claudio has had enough and storms off, leaving Benedick to talk to himself – the habit must be catching!
‘Wow! Beatrice didn’t even recognise me back there beneath my disguise. She said I’m the saddo with the naff sense of humour, who hangs out with the team coach. Is that really what people think? Nah – that’s just sourpuss Bea. Well, I’ll soon get my own back!’
Cue more music, with me lurking among the flowers and Pedro strolling on the terrace without a care in the world.
‘Hey, Ben, have you seen Claudio anywhere?’ the coach wants to know.
‘Yep. He was just here, looking down in the mouth, and I can understand why.’
Pedro is puzzled. ‘What’s up?’
‘You two are like a couple of kids climbing trees looking for a bird’s nest. Then he finds one and you snatch it from him – that’s what’s up.’
‘Don’t worry, it only looks that way – just wait and see.’ Pedro thinks he has everything under control, as always. ‘Anyway, I hear you and Beatrice have had another tiff.’
Stand back – now Benedick’s about to go off on one!
‘You could say that. Listen, she’s been bad-mouthing me, calling me names, stabbing away at my reputation. I tell you what, boss, I wouldn’t marry her if she was the last woman on earth. Anyway, can we stop talking about her, please? She’s trouble with a capital T.’
Pedro grins, spins Benedick around and points him towards a girl in a glittery angel dress complete with halo and wings (the costume has to be ironic, surely!). ‘Not so fast – here she comes!’ he hisses.
Benedick panics. ‘Don’t you have a job for me to do?’ he pleads with Pedro. ‘Anything. I’d rather get sent on a mission to Mars than have to talk to her!’
‘Stay here,’ Pedro insists.
‘No, I can’t stand this!’ Boss’s orders or not, Benedick is out of there.
Pedro watches him shoot off, then turns to Beatrice all serious. ‘That’s it – I’m afraid you’ve lost Benedick,’ he says, taking her to one side.
‘I did have him once,’ Beatrice admits.
(Am I hearing right? Is Bea telling it like it really is for a change? I’ll play this back later and think about it.)
‘Yeah, I gave him my heart and he broke it,’ she adds.
‘Try not to be so harsh,’ coach Pedro advises.
Beatrice breaks away and drags Claudio, Leonato and Hero across to join them.
‘Hey, why so serious?’ Pedro asks Claudio. ‘Are you sick?’
Claudio grunts one-word answers, like a kid sulking in front of a teacher.
So Pedro puts him out of his misery and delivers the good news. ‘I did what I said I would – I proposed to Hero for you and got her dad to agree to the marriage, too.’
‘That’s true – he did,’ Leonato agrees.
It’s taking Claudio a while to catch up. He’s standing there open-mouthed.
‘Say something!’ Beatrice urges.
Claudio shakes his head. ‘Words fail me!’
So Beatrice turns to Hero. ‘You say something then. Or kiss him!’
That’s it – the lovers kiss and we get it on camera. Ah! I can see an exclusive wedding-pics issue of Lite magazine coming up!
‘One more bites the dust,’ Beatrice sighs. ‘I’ll soon be the only singleton left!’<
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Pedro laughs at this. ‘Want me to find you a man?’ he offers.
Beatrice flutters her eyelashes. ‘Not unless you’ve got a brother I don’t know about,’ she quips.
‘No, but will I do?’
(Is he serious? Now this could be gossip gold!)
Beatrice, bless her, doesn’t let the offer cloud her judgment. ‘I’ll have you for Sundays,’ she laughs. ‘But I’d need another for everyday wear.’ She pauses, wondering if she’s gone too far. ‘Sorry, am I pushing my luck here?’
The coach isn’t the least upset. ‘Don’t worry – you’re fine. Actually, I like your sense of humour – it’s refreshing.’
‘Anyway, I’ve got a job to do for my uncle,’ she says and dashes off.
I really like that girl,’ Pedro admits to Leonato. ‘She’s always good for a laugh, even though she won’t give closet space to a husband.’ He thinks for a bit. ‘What about her and Benedick?’
Leonato shakes his head. ‘They’d drive each other mad.’
So Pedro leaves it for a bit and asks Claudio about his plans.
I make a quick note – the Claudio-Hero wedding is a week from now. Then I hear Pedro back on the Beatrice-Benedick gig.
‘Here’s a way of keeping our minds occupied before the big event,’ he tells the others. ‘How about we take up the challenge of bringing those two together?’
And everyone falls in with the boss’s scheme, naturally.
‘Excellent.’ Pedro plans ahead. ‘And Benedick does have some good qualities, you know. He could make a decent husband. So let’s get him to the altar whether he likes it or not!’
Fast forward to the next day. The event managers have taken away the flowers and dismantled the marquees. And here come slimy John and that nasty Borachio, noting that things haven’t exactly gone their way.
‘So Claudio got the girl after all,’ John moans.
‘Not if I have anything to do with it,’ Borachio promises.
‘Well, I hate Claudio’s guts, so anything you can do to wreck his happiness will be good news to me.’
John hates his brother and he hates Claudio. Don’t ask me why. The hairs at the back of my neck stand on end, and I’m guessing this is the beginning of something really nasty.
‘I know a girl called Margaret,’ Borachio explains. ‘I can arrange for her to come to the window of Hero’s bedroom. Your part is to tell your brother he made a mistake when he agreed to help Claudio propose, because it turns out that Hero’s a slapper.’
John frowns. ‘Where’s the proof?’
‘I’ll make up something, don’t worry. And this will throw a spanner in everyone’s works – Pedro’s, Claudio’s, Hero’s. Plus, it’ll probably be the death of old Leonato.’
An evil light comes on in John’s brain. ‘So give me the details,’ he whispers.
Borachio obliges. ‘OK. Tell Pedro and Claudio that Hero is having an affair with me, and you feel so bad knowing about it that you have to spill the beans. Then bring them to Hero’s window the night before the wedding and show them proof. They’ll hear me call Margaret “Hero” and she’ll say, “Borachio, my love – blah blah!” That should do it…’
The plan goes down a treat with John, and he promises Borachio a big bonus. The two men go slinking off into the shadows like cats that got the cream. And now I’m scouting around by the pool looking for my next big scoop – could it be coming in the shape of Benedick, the love cynic? He’s muttering to himself again:
‘It’s weird how a kid like Claudio can be such a Jack-the-lad one minute and falling head over heels the next. I don’t get it. A few days ago it was all free kicks, penalties and the offside rule. Now it’s romantic music and sleepless nights spent wondering what to wear for his wedding. Once upon a time, he spoke in plain English, now it’s all flowery stuff. Well, I tell you it’ll never happen to me. I mean, I’ve met loads of girls – gorgeous ones, clever ones, even nice ones. And I’m nowhere near falling in love with any of them. She’d have to be all three rolled into one for it to happen, plus she’d be mega rich, classy, talented, never answer back, and I don’t care if she’s a blonde or brunette! Watch out, here come Leonato, Pedro and the lovesick kid!’
Benedick takes cover behind a trellis, where he reckons he can’t be seen. Wrong! Pedro winks at Claudio, while he works out how to use Leonato’s sound system. Soon he’s playing a track from a World’s Best Love Songs CD.
Benedick’s pulling puking faces behind the screen, then he gets ready to listen in on the guy talk.
Pedro kicks off in a loud stage whisper. ‘So, Leonato, are you absolutely sure that Beatrice is in love with Benedick?’
Claudio pretends to be amazed. ‘Wow, you’re kidding!’
‘It’s true!’ Leonato insists. ‘Even though she makes a big show of hating his guts…’
Benedick almost knocks over the trellis in shock. ‘Is it possible?’ he whimpers.
‘Actually she’s crazy for him,’ Leonato goes on, and here’s what happens next:
PEDRO: Are you sure she’s serious?
LEONATO: Absolutely – it’s the real thing.
BENEDICK (muttering to himself): I’d have sworn this was a set-up, if Leonato wasn’t here.
PEDRO: And has Beatrice told Benedick that she loves him?
LEONATO: No, and she swears she never will.
CLAUDIO: Because she’s always treated him like dirt in the past.
LEONATO: So she starts to write him a text message, telling him how she feels. Then she deletes it and starts again. I’ve heard it all from Hero. She says Beatrice thinks Benedick will only laugh if she sends it.
CLAUDIO: Then she cries and tears her hair, whispering his name – ‘Sweet Benedick’!
PEDRO: Maybe we should tell him.
CLAUDIO: And let him mock her? Then she’d be even worse off, poor girl.
LEONATO: I feel sorry for her.
PEDRO: Ben’s a lucky guy. I think we should tell him.
CLAUDIO: Hero’s scared Beatrice might kill herself if it all flies back in her face.
PEDRO: But Ben wouldn’t be nasty, would he? Behind that tough-guy front I know there’s a soft centre – he can even be witty and charming when he’s in the mood. So shall we tell him?
CLAUDIO: No!
LEONATO: Yes!
PEDRO: Let’s think about it some more.
And these ham-actors walk off, giggling like schoolgirls, planning their next move. I’m going to leave them to it – let’s keep the camera on Benedick and see how he reacts.
‘This can’t be a con!’ he mutters. He’s in shock. You can hear his brain booting up like a slow computer and I’m hoping he’s not so dazed that he walks straight into the pool. ‘They said everything with straight faces, and apparently it all came from Hero. They seemed sorry for Beatrice… Well, if she loves me, I guess I’d better love her back! I know I sometimes come across as being arrogant, so I’m not surprised Beatrice won’t admit how she feels. Getting married was never on my agenda … but Beatrice is a babe. So, that’s it – from now on, I’m gonna be madly in love with her, even if the guys do laugh at me. Sure, I said I would stay single, but that’s before I decided to tie the knot. Uh oh, here she comes now, and yeah, I think she’s definitely got the hots for me!’
(Wrong again, Benedick.)
Beatrice flounces up. ‘I’ve been sent to tell you dinner’s ready,’ she says.
‘Thanks, babe,’ he simpers.
(Babe? Are you kidding!)
‘There’s nothing to thank me for. I wouldn’t have come if I’d found it a pain.’
‘So, it was a pleasure?’
‘Yeah, like having a knife at my throat. Listen, if you’re not hungry, just forget it.’ And she stalks off, leaving him to work it out.
‘“I’ve been sent to tell you dinner’s ready”,’ he echoes. ‘There’s a double meaning in that! “I wouldn’t have come if I’d found it a pain”, which means she wanted to bring me the message. Well,
I’m a lowlife if I don’t respond. Yes, I’ll definitely love her back!’
Act Three
Hotting Up or Cooling Down?
Love meters at the ready, everyone! You’re in for the biggest gossip-fest of the decade, and the question is, can Ben escape his playboy past and will wild-child Bea settle down with her man? 31% of viewers have called in to vote Yes, 69% said No. It’s Claudia Ricci, still here at the villa, with my finger on the pulse, and I promise you, thing are really hotting up.
Move number one – Hero tells her friend Margaret the plan:
‘Bring Beatrice out here onto the terrace and say that we’re talking about her. Persuade her to hide behind that stack of sun loungers so she can listen in on our conversation.’
‘Got it!’ Margaret dashes off.
Move number two – Hero brings her other girlfriend, Ursula, up to speed:
‘We’re gonna wait until Bea’s in position, then we play Cupid. We’re gonna gossip about Benedick – you must big him up, I’ll say he’s crazy for Bea.’
They see Beatrice sneak in and take up her place behind the sun loungers.
‘Ready?’ Hero whispers. Then she turns up the volume.
HERO: No, I’m telling you – Beatrice is a tough cookie. No man stands a chance of taming her.
URSULA (proving she’s a quick learner): But you’re sure Benedick’s in love with her?
HERO: I heard it from Claudio and Pedro. They think I should tell her, but I said it was a bad idea.
URSULA: How come?
HERO: It’s obvious. Beatrice is too big headed to listen. She’ll never fall in love with anyone except herself.
URSULA: You’re right. Better not tell her in case she laughs in Ben’s face.
HERO: There’s not a guy on this planet that Bea would fancy, no matter how smart, classy or gorgeous he is. If he’s too handsome, she makes her sarcastic lady-boy put-downs. Too dark, too tall, too short – she’ll always find something to make fun of. Either the guy talks too little or not enough – he can’t win.
URSULA (sighing): That’s not good.
HERO: But who’s going to tell Bea she’s out of order. No, don’t look at me – she’d make mincemeat out of me.
Much Ado About Nothing Page 2