Finn sits down at their table. Emerson jumps up to hug him and Kel offers him his fist for a bump.
Finn looks good. He looks…happy. Is he happy? Has not being around my negative aura made him somehow feel better than he did before?
My shoulders slump and I spin on my heel, heading back to the door.
“Liz?” Finn’s voice cuts through the room like a knife.
I stand perfectly still, unable to move. Maybe there’s another Liz here.
Then I feel his hand on my arm. I don’t have to see him to know it’s him. He’s the only one who sets my skin on fire with a simple touch.
He leans in toward me to speak and I close my eyes. I’m frozen.
“Can I speak to you for a moment?” he asks.
Who does he think he is? He shouldn’t be touching me at all. The ice shoots through my heart once again. “I think you’ve said more than enough.”
He takes my arm and pushes me toward the exit. “What are you doing?” I ask under my breath through gritted teeth.
He doesn’t answer, but once we’re in the hall, he releases his hold on me.
“Was that necessary?” I ask angrily.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I didn’t want to cause a scene. Look, I know it’s awkward for the both of us to be here together so all I want to say is let’s just make the best of it. There’s no need for us to be cold or try to avoid each other. We work at the same company. We’re bound to run into each other from time to time.”
I slowly lift my eyes from the floor to his face as he speaks. He brushes his hand through his hair and my fingers tingle with the memory of touching him myself.
“Alright?” he asks when I stand silent.
I nod my head because words escape me. He’s so close, yet so far.
“I know the group misses you, so why don’t you join them. I can eat somewhere else.”
He steps away from me and I reach for his arm. He stills at my touch.
“I can be a grown-up. Can you? We can still eat at the same table together, right?” I ask.
“Of course,” he replies with a fake smile. I know it’s fake because I’ve never seen it before. My body tenses. Did I change him for the worse?
He motions with his hand for me to walk first. He follows at a relatively distant pace behind me and I hate it. Any other time, his hand would be on the small of my back, leading me. I miss the security that feeling represented. Knowing he had my back helped me face my fears. Too bad none of it was real.
“Liz!” Emerson mumbles with a mouth full of food, rising from her seat to hug me.
Kel’s eyes flicker from Finn to me. He’s searching for something, but I don’t know what.
“Hey, Lizar… Liz,” he corrects himself.
“Hi, Kel.”
I wave to Ernesto and he waves back.
As I take a seat next to Emerson, I whisper, “Ernesto is management?”
She shakes her head. “I have no idea. He just showed up at the airport with us and got on the plane,” she laughs. “I don’t even know if he has a room.”
“Us?” I question.
“Yeah, we all took a flight together. Like old times, except we missed you.”
“I miss you guys too. Who got my seat in the carpool?” I whisper.
“No one,” she whispers back, leaning toward me. “We don’t carpool anymore. I know something happened between you and Finn, but he won’t talk about it. He called us New Year’s Day and told us he couldn’t do it anymore.”
Wrinkling my brow, I slowly gaze in Finn’s direction. He’s unusually quiet and focused on his meal.
“Get a plate,” Kel insists, motioning to the buffet.
I nod and push up from my seat. Finn stands out of respect and my heart breaks a little bit more.
“I’ll go with you. The beef is to die for.”
Emerson follows me to the table. I take a plate and stand there, immobile, as she begins refilling her own. Turning my head, I watch Finn as he plays with his food. He doesn’t look up and he doesn’t speak.
Emerson steps next to me and follows my line of vision. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but, I think you broke him,” she says.
“I did?” I gasp.
“He’s different. Something’s changed. He doesn’t have that fire in his eyes anymore.”
Setting my empty plate on the table next to the buffet, I rush from the room. I can feel the tears building and I don’t want anyone to see me like this.
Once I’m in the hall, I search left and right for the nearest exit. There’s a door leading outside to the right and I run for it. The air is much colder here than in L.A. and it feels good against my skin. It shocks me out of balling my eyes out.
Staring up at the mountains in the distance, I wrap my arms around myself. Did I break him?
“This isn’t California, Liz.” A warm jacket falls over my shoulders and I turn to see Finn standing next to me. “Come inside before you freeze.”
“Did I break you?” I blurt out.
“What?” he questions, confused.
I regret not thinking it through before speaking and feel I should explain. “You don’t seem like you. And I know it’s not just me because even Emerson said so and she wouldn’t say it if she didn’t mean it because that’s how she is. And I saw you eating and you weren’t talking or even looking at people and that’s not like you. At all. I shouldn’t have blocked you like a child but I was scared of talking to you and so I told Emerson I couldn’t do carpool but I figured you all were still doing it. Today Emerson told me you said you couldn’t anymore and on top of that she said you don’t have the fire in your eyes like you used to have, and it scares me because that fire was what made you, you, and I’m not even good enough to tie your shoes, much less be the reason you aren’t Finn anymore. Then she said I broke you and I freaked out because I never meant to hurt you. So did I? Did I break you?”
His eyes search mine in wonder and a slow smile builds on his face. “How are you not the least bit out of breath right now?”
“Finn, answer the question.” I feel the nervousness in my voice.
“No. You didn’t break me, Liz. Don’t give yourself that kind of power.”
He spins around and marches into the building. I follow him.
“Finn!” I yell, trying to make him stop so I can catch up. He slows.
“I’m not trying to insinuate that I have any power over you at all. I would never.” I slide his suit coat off my arms and return it to him.
“Finnigan…” a man shouts from the entrance. “Could you join us for a moment?”
He takes his jacket from me. “That’s my boss. If you’ll excuse me.”
My pulse races as he walks away. I can’t blame him for not wanting to talk to me. I walked away from him first. I wish I could explain how I feel, but words always escape me when I need them the most. I’m not even sure I understand what I’m thinking anymore. Seeing him again makes everything a blur. I need to get a grip and fast.
“What I’m saying is I think they should give us snack options. I mean, carrots are great if you’re a rabbit, but I’m not a freaking rabbit,” Kel announces, crossing his arms.
Emerson rolls her eyes and I laugh.
“You’ll survive without an unhealthy snack, Kel,” she adds.
“No I won’t. I can barely keep my eyes open during this bullshit. I need caffeine or chocolate if they expect me to hear a word they say. I haven’t learned jack shit. I thought I’d walk out of here a different man.”
“They’re not miracle workers,” Emerson says as she files her nails. “You’re only going to get out of it what you put into it.”
Her words ring in my ears. Did I put anything into my relationship with Finn? Was any of it real?
The next session is about to start, so the three of us hurry into the room to find seats. We’ve been moving from place to place together all day, and it’s been so much more enjoyable being with friends. It’s nice to use that
word and mean it.
I almost caused a scene in the last session when Emerson compared the trainer to Daffy Duck. She did an impression of his voice, and I almost lost it. It was like being in church with my parents. I wanted to laugh that much more because I couldn’t. She’s not allowed to sit by me anymore.
I search the room. No Ernesto. None of us have seen him all day, and I’m getting worried. I haven’t seen Finn since yesterday, but that’s expected since he’s a trainer, not a trainee. Still, every time I see a suit out of the corner of my eye, I jump. I wonder if it means I want to see him more than I realize.
This is the final scheduled session of the day and then we pick our two electives. There are seven to choose from. I know I definitely want to go to the “How to Listen More Effectively” seminar and the “Building a Team” sounds great as well, but I can’t help but be drawn to Finn. To hear him speak would be amazing. I’ve never seen him in his element and I’m curious how he comes across. I manage to convince myself I need to learn more about marketing and tell myself it’s the real reason I’m even considering it. We said we could be professional. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind my being there. After all, it’s only about work.
During training, I scribble in my blue notebook. I write what I’m feeling now and how I felt seeing Finn again. The session is over quickly, and it’s time to make a decision.
“You’re going?” Emerson asks, mortified.
“I was going to until you put it that way,” I reply.
“Just ignore me. I’m not feeling the best today. Lunch made me sick. If you think his training would help you, then I think you should go.”
I scowl. “Now I’m starting to wonder if it’s a bad idea.”
“What happened between you two anyway?” Kel asks as he grimaces while toying with a celery stick.
“It’s none of our business. I’m sure if they wanted us to know they would have told us. Right?” Emerson asks with uncertainty.
“Right.” I nod.
Kel holds a piece of celery in his hands and uses it as a pointer while he speaks. “I think you two should work it out. When you find the one, you need to fight for them.”
Emerson and I both turn to stare at him in awe. He plugs his nose and takes another bite of the celery.
He sees us glaring. “What? I don’t like how it tastes.”
“That’s not why we’re staring. That was sweet, Kel.” Emerson puts her arms around him and side-squeezes him.
“Am I not supposed to have deep thoughts?”
“I think you should eat celery more often. I like you more.”
“Fuck this shit,” he says, standing and tossing it in the nearest trash can. “I’m going to find a vending machine. I’ll meet you guys there.”
Emerson and I make what seems to be the longest walk of my life to Finn’s room. I peek inside and see him speaking to a guy in the front of the room. My stomach curls.
Spinning around and leaning on the wall by the door, I turn to Emerson. “Maybe this is a bad idea.”
She shrugs. “I don’t know what happened, so…”
“Just between us?” I ask.
“Yes!” she smiles excitedly. I pull her away from the door.
“We slept together.”
“About time,” she replies calmly. “Was he that bad?”
“No.” I wave her off. “That wasn’t why. He’s amazing, attentive, and skilled.”
Emerson grins. “So?”
“He told me I was a project.”
“A what?” she questions, placing her hands on her hips.
I shuffle my feet. “He was telling me about his brother and how his positive energy made him a better person. He told me he could see himself in me and wanted to help me break out of my shell. Then he said I was like a project to him.”
“Okay, then what?” she asks, waiting for more.
“I got pissed.”
“Wait, he said he wanted to help you and you got mad?”
“I felt like he was trying to change me. Like it was all a game to him to see if he could mold me.”
“Do you really believe that?” she asks.
“What do you mean?”
“Do you think that’s the kind of man he is? Do you think his eyes lit up when you walked in a room because he wanted to change you?”
“I… don’t know.”
“Oh Liz.” Her eyes grow soft, like she feels sorry for me.
“But, you weren’t there. You didn’t hear it in context. There’s more to it.”
“Okay. Tell me.”
I stare at her for a moment and decide I don’t want to discuss it anymore. “I’ve already said too much. Just forget it.” I bite my nail and wander away from her. She wasn’t there. She doesn’t understand how it felt to hear that come out of his mouth.
“I’m sorry,” she says, touching my arm. “You’re right. I wasn’t there. The thing is, I love you both and I want a happily ever after. I got mine and I want you to have yours.”
“I don’t think I’m meant to be happy. I must have been a serious bitch in a past life to be so fucked up in this one.”
“What do you mean in a past life?” Kel says with a mouthful of something as he approaches. “You’re kind of a bitch now.”
“Thanks. That’s just what I needed to hear.”
Emerson grabs the chocolate bar out of his hand. “See, I told you. Sugar makes you a dick. No more candy!” She marches to the garbage can and throws it away.
“Plenty more where that came from.” He reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out another. Emerson lunges for it and he moves it out of her reach.
“I have two more in my pants. If you want to stick your hand down there and feel around for them, that would be fine with me.”
“We’re about to begin. Can someone get the doors?” Finn says from inside the room.
It’s too late for me to change my mind now. The three of us scoot in as the double doors are being closed. His back is facing us. There aren’t many chairs left so we have to split up. I take the chair near the back. There are a lot of rows in front of me. Hopefully he won’t even know I’m here.
“Good afternoon. My name is Finnigan Walsh and I’ll be your captor for the next hour or so.”
Captor… I chuckle to myself. He’s always been the captor and I, his prisoner, both of his carpool and of his game.
He sits on the edge of a table in the front of the room and I can’t take my eyes off of him. He has that sparkle in his eyes again. I glance around the room and notice everyone is at full attention as he speaks. Guys want to be him and girls want to have him.
“You might ask, what’s the difference between marketing myself and marketing the company? The answer is absolutely nothing. There’s not a damn difference. Because as a representative of Seamore Productions, everything you say, everything you do, and every move you make reflects not only on your character, but the character of the company as well. You are Seamore and they are you.”
I zone out as I watch him work the room. He’s dressed to near perfection. His suit fits him tightly in all the right places; enough to draw attention to his chest, his arms and his thighs. He’s wearing black today and it brings out the color in his eyes. Eyes I’ve gotten lost in.
I shake my head. I have to remind myself why it all fell apart. It was him. He was playing games with me. Just like all the other guys before him.
He walks to the side of the room closest to me, so I slide down in my seat, hoping he doesn’t see me. The chair in front of me has a white streak across the back. It looks like a shooting star. I focus on it and get lost in my thoughts once again.
He is like the other guys, right? I mean, they lied to me and so did he. He was collecting data in his quest to make me a better person. I bet he’s got a spreadsheet of progress. He took a loner girl and made her want to be around other people. Maybe he deserves an award.
A bunch of hands go up in the air. I haven’t been paying attention so I rais
e mine as well.
He counts the hands from left to right and stops when he sees me. “Excuse me, but if you’d been paying attention, you would have noticed that I asked the men to raise their hands. You most certainly are not a man, Ms. Foley.”
My eyes widen as every chair turns to look at me. Sure as shit, the only hands in the air belong to men.
My hand falls into my lap and I feel my cheeks blush red-hot. I turn to my right and see Emerson gritting her teeth in embarrassment for me. Kel is next to her, laughing with his hand in the air. He’s an asshole and so is Finn for calling me out in front of the room.
I want to make a run for the doors, but I don’t want to draw any more attention to myself. The fact is, I have to complete two of these stupid fucking sessions and I already started this one. I’m stuck. And now, worse yet, he knows I’m here. He knows I made a conscious decision to go to his class.
My mind races as I attempt to come up with excuses to give him for why I came. Emerson begged me too. Kel tricked me. I didn’t know this was your class.
“Ms. Foley?” Finn says from the front of the room, causing all eyes to turn to me again.
“I asked the women to raise their hands. Are you not sure you’re a woman?”
I glance around the room and notice all female hands are in the air. There are a few chuckles and outright laughs. Damn it all to hell. I slowly raise my hand and my middle finger in the process.
He smirks as he’s counting and I know he’s taking sick pleasure in tormenting me. I hate him. I really hate him.
The blood boils under my skin as he talks about the stereotypes in marketing. I watch his eyes. He knows he’s getting to me and that makes me all the angrier. There’s a cute blonde in the front row and he winks at her. She smiles giddily and I want to jump out of my seat and strangle him. Is he trying to make me jealous?
Typical man. They tell you they love you to get what they want and then switch ships the first time another woman gives them attention. I fidget in my seat and strain to study him.
Confessions of a Carpool Captive Page 17