Confessions of a Carpool Captive

by Dawn L. Chiletz

  “I think we blew a tire.”

  As Finn and Kel jump out of the car to check for a spare, I unbuckle my seat belt and lean over to feel Emerson’s forehead. She’s not warm, although she’s sweating.

  A minute later, a very cold Finn and Kel come back.

  “No spare.”

  “Now what do we do?” I ask.

  “Does anyone have cell service?”

  We all check our phones. Nothing.

  Emerson’s eyes open wide and she moans loudly in pain.

  “Are you okay? What’s going on? Em, you’re scaring me,” I ask nervously.

  She sighs. “Oh God. My water broke.”

  “Your what?” Kel asks. “What in the hell are you talking about?”

  I turn to Finn and he’s as shocked as I am.

  “Your water?” I question.

  “The baby’s coming. It’s time.”

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Kel shouts. “What baby? What the fuck are you talking about?”

  Emerson scans the car and sees the confusion and shock on our faces.

  “Are you kidding me? You didn’t know I was pregnant?”

  I gasp and cover my mouth with my hands as the pieces fall into place.

  “What do you mean you’re pregnant? How the fuck is that possible? You’re married to a woman. Does she have a dick?”

  “Kel, you are the dumbest man I’ve ever met in my life. I was inseminated.” She glances from one person to the next. “You mean to tell me that none of you realized I was pregnant?”

  “I just thought you were fat,” Kel says with a shrug.

  “Em, I’m so sorry. I mean, all the signs were there: the snacking and constant hunger, no alcohol, the emotions. I’m so sorry. I should have known. We’re gonna have a baby!” I announce proudly, as if I’m going to be a mom myself.

  Finn huffs out a small laugh and Kel’s mouth drops open wide.

  “I hate you all for thinking I was only fat!”

  We start to laugh and she cries out in pain. We shuffle in our seats, trying to figure out what to do to help her. But it’s obvious no one has a clue.

  Ernesto holds out his hand to her and she takes it, squeezing tightly. He turns his wrist and looks at his watch. He almost seems to be counting. Maybe he has a child at home. We really know nothing about him at all.

  Emerson releases her grip as the contraction subsides and Ernesto lets out a sigh. His head turns as he gazes at each one of us from left to right. He seems concerned. We all stare at him. I don’t know what we’re waiting for. I wish I knew what he was thinking.

  Ernesto opens his mouth and pauses. Then he says, “Her contractions are about five minutes apart. Unless we want to have a baby on the side of the road, I suggest we bundle up and see if we can get her to that cabin we passed a few minutes ago.”

  “What the ever-loving fuck?” Kel shouts as he jumps back in his seat like he’s seen a ghost.

  Even Emerson’s head spins. Our mouths hang open and the car is completely silent.

  “So, yeah. I might have left out the fact that I speak English. At first I thought it was just a free ride home. I thought it would be funny to allow you to believe a lowly Hispanic guy in need of a ride couldn’t speak English. But then you all mentioned the carpool. I have a driver who takes me to and from work every day, but I figured I’d save on gas money if I just went with you. So I did.

  “You all were so funny and interesting, I started wondering if a reality TV carpool would be a good idea. The dynamic among us fascinated me. I started doing research, but after a while, I stopped. I found myself liking you all and I stayed because you were… I don’t know, like family.”

  Emerson shifts a bit in her seat. I turn my head and see Finn smiling. I’d never thought of it that way, but we are a family; a weird, dysfunctional one, but a family nonetheless.

  “I went to Tahoe because it sounded fun. I didn’t mean to worry you all. I didn’t think you’d look for me. It really touched me that you cared enough to miss your flight. Oh, and I don’t actually live where you drop me. I didn’t change my address on my driver’s license over the last few years because I bought my parents’ old house to use as a decoy. That way the press can’t trace me. My driver picks me up from there and brings me home,” Ernesto continues.

  “A driver? Who the fuck are you?” Kel asks.

  “Oh, where are my manners.” He holds out his hand to Kel and Kel shakes it. “My name is Ernesto Rivera. I’m an executive producer at Seamore. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

  “It’s nice to meet you too, man,” Kel says with a smile. “What exactly does an executive producer do?”

  Ernesto smiles and nods. “Sure. Well, I handle the financial decisions for—”

  Emerson cries out in pain. “Are you kidding me right now? Can you all catch up later?”

  “Right,” Finn says, clapping his hands together. “Well fuck. What a day. Let’s bundle up with whatever we can find and see if we can make it to this house. How far did you say it was?”

  “I’d say maybe a mile back. I bet I can carry Emerson there, but we definitely need to put on some layers. It’s cold and there’s snow on the ground. We don’t want to freeze.”

  “Let’s take turns going to the back and pulling some clothes out of our carry-ons. Liz, why don’t you go first. See what you can find in Emerson’s too.”

  I nod my head and wrap my sweater around me tightly. Finn turns up the heat.

  I rummage through my bag and then Emerson’s as the wind whips around me. I grab two sweaters from my bag and a hooded sweatshirt and scarf from Emerson’s. I really didn’t pack well for the cold. I should have checked the weather.

  I run back to my seat, shivering.

  When I sit down, my teeth are chattering.

  “Okay Kel, you and Ernesto go next.”

  They open the doors and I hand the sweatshirt and scarf to Emerson. She starts pulling it over her head. Finn reaches over and rubs my arms with his hands.

  “You’re a Popsicle.”

  “I-kn-know. It’s s-s-so cold. How d-did you ever s-s-survive N-N-New York?”

  He grins and it melts my cold heart. “It’s a little different when you grow up with it.” He helps me with my sweaters and I help Emerson with her scarf.

  The door opens and Ernesto climbs back inside, wearing a hoodie with a blazer over it. Then Kel climbs in and I gawk at him. He’s got my red bra around his head like ear muffs.

  “No way!” I shout as I reach for him.

  Finn bursts out in laughter.

  “I don’t have a sweatshirt with a hood. Do you want me to freeze?” he asks. “I wish you had bigger tits. Thirty-eight B barely covers my ears.”

  I reach for him again, practically throwing myself over the seat and Finn pulls me back.

  “And people say I’m the one with the temper,” Kel laughs.

  Ernesto motions to him with his thumb. “I told him you’d be pissed, but he didn’t care. It’s actually pretty damn creative when you think about it.”

  “Thanks, man,” Kel responds.

  “You’re welcome, man,” Ernesto replies.

  “Oh, so now you have opinions to share? Now you’ll open your mouth and side with Kelly?”

  “Kelly?” Finn asks.

  Emerson gawks as she takes deep breaths.

  “Oh yeah. I forgot to tell you. I found out Kel is short for Kelly. Kel has a girl’s name. Now it makes sense why you’re so intimidated by women. It’s because you’re named after one. Kelly Williams,” I say, waving in a grand gesture.

  Kel grits his teeth and scowls at me. “You bitch.”

  “Ooh, are you trying to intimidate me? Because it’s not working. It’s hard to be scared of a man with a bra on his head,” I say, folding my arms.

  “Can we focus here?” Emerson asks through a breath. “There will be plenty of time to make fun of Kelly later.”

  “If you weren’t preggo, I’d—”

  “You’d w
hat, tough guy with a girl’s name?”

  “Okay, settle down. Let me get some clothes and we’ll take off. No fighting. No talking, actually,” Finn says as he closes his door.

  I face forward and mumble under my breath, “What an asshole.”

  “I hear you, Lizard. Is that why Finn can’t stand you anymore? Did you prick him with one of your spikes?”

  “Kel, really…” Ernesto whispers.

  “Calm your boyfriend down, Ernie,” I respond. I’m suddenly angry that Ernesto misled us for so long. “You know I always liked you best because I thought you were the quiet one. The one who wasn’t judging me. It turns out you were judging us all in silence. We must be some kind of joke to you.”

  Finn reenters the car and we’re all speechless. “Okay then,” he says, falsely impressed that we listened.

  “Emerson, are you ready?”

  “As ready as I can be.” She turns to Ernesto. “Do you think you can lift me?”

  “I bench press two hundred pounds. I think I can carry you,” he says with a smile.

  And so we ditch the car and start back up the road, seeking salvation from the cold, and each other.

  Just down the road was a bold-faced lie. We walked for almost forty minutes to that cabin. Kel and Finn took turns carrying Emerson after Ernesto got tired, and she apologized profusely for insisting we drive home.

  When the cabin comes into view, you’d think we all won the lottery. And as a bonus, there’s smoke coming from the chimney, which means there’s heat.

  When we arrive on the porch, Finn knocks on the door. We shiver and bounce up and down to stay warm. It seems like forever before he answers.

  A kindly old man opens the door, but just a crack. He’s a bit shocked to see us. “Can I help you?”

  “Excuse me, sir, but our car got a flat and we ended up in a ditch with no spare. Our friend here went into labor and we’re in desperate need of some shelter and a phone with service.”

  He glances from person to person and sees Emerson in Kel’s arms.

  “Oh God, this one’s bad!” she screams.

  The old man jumps. “Yes, of course, come in!”

  He opens his door to us and I immediately feel the warmth.

  We begin to remove our shoes and snow-covered layers as the old man leads Kel to a couch near the fire.

  “You’re gonna be okay, Em,” Kel reassures. “I’m gonna take care of you, I promise.”

  The old man rubs his hands together nervously. “I’d offer my bedroom, but it’s not as warm in there. She looks like she needs to get warm.”

  “Thank you so much, sir. I can’t tell you how much this means to us,” Finn says as he rubs his cheeks with his hands to get feeling in them again.

  “It’s no trouble. It’s kinda nice to have some company. I don’t get many visitors out this way.”

  I wrap my arms around myself and make my way toward the fire. Ernesto and I prop Emerson up with pillows. She’s breathing heavily.

  “I need a doctor. I want my doctor and pain medicine. I want an epidural now!”

  I brush my fingers over her forehead in an attempt to comfort her. I don’t know what to do.

  “Do you have a landline by any chance?” Finn asks.

  “Sure do. Right this way.”

  Finn leaves the room and a short while later, I hear him on the phone trying to get help. I lean over Emerson and whisper, “Finn’s going to take care of everything. Don’t worry. I don’t know what I’d do without him. I mean, what we’d do. Without him.”

  She nods her head as another contraction comes.

  “They’re three minutes apart. Finn?” Ernesto shouts. “How long for that ambulance?”

  Finn rounds the corner, looking white as a ghost. “They said it could be up to two hours. The roads are a mess and there are a ton of emergencies.”

  “Two hours?” Emerson cries. “I can’t… There’s no way… My wife isn’t even here. This wasn’t supposed to happen for three more weeks. I should have listened when the doctor said I shouldn’t travel. But I felt fine and I didn’t want to miss training with you all. Maybe it’ll stop if I just rest. I can’t have this baby without Julie. I can’t!” she sobs, tears flowing down her cheeks.

  I kneel next to her and hold her hand. “Do you want us to try to call her?” I ask.

  “Yes!” Her eyes dart to mine and I see hope in them for the first time. She hands me her cell phone and I scroll until I find the number. The old man points me to the phone and stands nervously by as I dial. I get her voicemail.

  “Should I leave a message?” I shout to Emerson.

  “Yes! Tell her I need her. Tell her the baby is on the way.”

  The phone beeps and I speak into the receiver. “Hi, Julie, this is Liz, Em’s friend from work. Um, we had some problems with our flight and long story short, we’re stranded in a cabin somewhere close to Lake Tahoe and Em’s in labor. Could you give me a call at—”

  I turn to the man. I repeat each number as he gives it to me.

  “Julie, I know you’re probably freaking out right now, but we’re all here with her. Me, Finn, Kel, and Ernesto. We’d never let anything happen to her. We love her and we’re going to take care of her, I promise you. So don’t worry and call us back as soon as you can. We’ll be waiting.”

  I hang up the phone and round the corner. All eyes are on me.

  “You love me?” Emerson asks through her tears.

  “Of course we do,” Kel whispers as he leans down next to her. “If I had a sister, I’d want her to be just like you. This baby is going to be one lucky kid. His mom is pretty kick-ass.”

  He bends down and kisses her cheek. I don’t know if it’s the fire or the people in the room, but I suddenly feel warmer than I’ve ever felt before.

  “We’re going to need some hot water, blankets, scissors, and towels. But first, do you have a bathroom I can use?” Ernesto asks. “I’ve been holding it for over an hour and my bladder may burst.”

  “Oh, sure thing. First door on the left. I mean, right!” he shouts.

  It’s too late. Ernesto already opened the door on the left. Two chickens and a mini pig join us in the room. The chickens’ wings are flapping and the pig is snorting. I jump on the chair on instinct.

  “Oh dear, well I guess the chicken’s out of the bag,” the old man laughs.

  Emerson gawks as she tries to breathe through another contraction with feathers floating through the air.

  “It gets a bit lonely at times and it’s too cold for them outside,” he explains, “so I keep them in here with me. I used to have a farm. I sold it when I moved out here to retire, but I couldn’t part with my girls. They’re real tame, I promise you. They’ll even let you pet them once they get to know you a little bit.”

  “Do they have names?” Kel asks, crouching down to pet the pig.

  “The chickens are sisters. Their names are Rachel and Monica.”

  “Rachel and Monica?” Kel questions.

  “Yeah. I love those girls from Friends. I always said I’d marry the both of them. Monica would keep my house clean and cook for me and Rachel… well, I’m sure she’d earn her keep.”

  I glance over to Finn and he smiles at me.

  Ernesto exits the bathroom, moving around the chickens that have nested on a blanket near the door and goes back to attending to Emerson.

  “And the pig?” Kel asks as he scratches behind its ears.

  The old man laughs and points to him. “Hey, she likes you. I call her Kelly ‘cause she’s cute as a button, like Kelly Clarkson.”

  “Kelly you say?” I ask with a chuckle.

  Kel frowns. I stumble off the chair and make my way over to him, scratching him behind the ears as he scratches the pig.

  “Look, we’re both petting Kelly,” I say with a laugh.

  Kel shakes his head and tries to stand. I wrap my arms around him and hug him. He smirks and pats my back. I glance over to Emerson and she’s smiling through the p
ain. She makes it look easier than it is.

  “What’s your name, sir?” Finn asks.

  “Oh I’m sorry. My name’s Johnny Kennedy,” he says, shaking Finn’s hand.

  “John Kennedy?” Finn questions. “Like the thirty-fifth president?”

  “Yep, except I never had me a Jackie or a Marilyn. Lucky son of a bitch.”

  Finn smiles and I can’t help but stare. Our eyes meet and I turn away. He’s a good man. A really good man. What in the hell is wrong with me?

  “You can do this, Em,” Ernesto insists.

  “I really can’t and neither can you. I need a doctor, not a producer. I hate that you’ve seen my vagina. I really and truly hate it.”

  “Would you rather I stood down there?” Kel asks.

  “If you fucking go near that cloth over me, I swear to you, I will bite your head off with my teeth and throw it in the fire.”

  “Okay, okay… sheesh,” he mumbles.

  “Would it help you to know that I did an insane amount of research on childbirth for the devil birth scene in that TV show Wicked Unholy?” Ernesto asks.

  “No! It doesn’t help me at all.”

  “Dude,” Kel begins, “I loved that show. Did you produce that?”

  “Yeah, man. I even directed a few. Thanks. That means a lot to me.”

  “No prob. Hey, you know that one part where the doctor reaches up into that one chick and pulls out her heart? Who did the makeup and props for that? I swore that shit was the real thing.”

  “It was actually—”

  “I’m in labor here, you assholes!” Emerson shouts.

  “Another time then,” Ernesto says through gritted teeth.

  Finn brings in a pot of hot water and some towels. I take them from him and our hands touch. I try not to overthink my mistakes.

  I bring the items over to Ernesto and take my place alongside Emerson, opposite from Kel. She’s gripping his hand so hard he’s flinching.

  “I need this hand, Em. You’re gonna break it.”

  “Stop being such a pussy!” she shouts through a contraction.

  Ernesto gasps. “Em, I think I see the head! You need to push.”

  “No. I can’t do it!” she shouts.

  “Yes you can,” I whisper just as the phone rings.