No Kitten Around

by RJ Blain

  “Of course it does not make me happy, for it does not make you happy.”

  That startled me into silence, and my flaring anger died away. “I don’t understand.”

  “Is it so difficult to believe someone might actually care for you, Reed? I may be an angel, but I assure you I’m quite capable of such human emotions.”

  “I killed a man. That’s pretty against what you angels like.”

  Luna snorted, fisted her hand, and bonked the top of my head. “Intent matters.”

  “I wanted to kill him.”

  “Reason also matters.”

  I scowled. “He wasn’t a very nice man.”

  Luna thumped the top of my head again and circled my desk to return to her seat. “Tell me what you saw.”

  “He liked making them scream.”

  “It’s not an easy burden to bear, seeing the truth of someone’s heart. No one ever taught you how to close your inner eyes.”

  Close my inner eyes? If I listed the ways I’d tried, the stupid little magic rituals I’d attempted over the years without success, I’d be a long time writing them all down. “I tried every method in every book I’ve ever found. I’ve painted practitioner circles in blood, I even talked a gorgon into petrifying me, just to see if his gaze would blind mine.”

  “But an angel has never taught you?”

  I threw back my head and laughed. “Which one? My mother’s father or my dad’s mother? They can’t stand the sight of me. Every time they’d visit, the instant I showed up, they’d book it right out of town. Don’t think I didn’t notice the way you flinched the first time you met me.”

  “That was not why I flinched.”

  “Then why?” I crossed my arms over my chest, and not caring who saw me through my office window, planted my shoes on my desk.

  “I know what your heart desires.”

  How many times had I grimaced over what I’d seen in someone’s eyes? I couldn’t count them. “That’s fair.”

  “It’s amazing. You can be a reasonable human being. I despaired this day would never come.”

  I suspected cats had learned to be assholes from angels. “I’m still not opening my mail.”

  I got the feeling Luna smiled. “Then you only have yourself to blame for what you do not know.”

  “Can we go back to our old conversation? I think I liked it better.”

  “How about not? We can talk more next week, after you’ve had some time to think over what you now know. Instead, why don’t you tell me about your kitten.”

  “I think Shakespeare said it best, Luna: Hell is empty and the devils are here. It’s entirely possible I adopted Satan.”

  If angels had foreheads, I was certain Luna would have been rubbing hers. “You try my patience.”

  I managed a smile for her sake. “I know.”

  Chapter Three

  The last time I had seen Kennedy Isabella Young, it’d been at my sentencing, and she’d looked me in the eye long enough to throw the ring I’d given her in the trash. Then, I’d seen all I’d ever need to know about what had been left of us—nothing. Love and hate were the opposites of the same coin, and the red-haired woman I would’ve laid down my life for without hesitation had turned face.

  I wouldn’t have just given her my life. I would have offered her forever if she had stuck around, but she’d been like everyone else in my life that day. With blood staining my hands, whatever had been between us had shriveled to dust.

  I had lost my place in her heart.

  The instant I caught a glimpse of her strolling across the office floor heading in the vague direction of my office, I beelined for the only sanctuary I could think of, one no one would dare bother: my boss’s office. Fortunately for me, he wasn’t on the phone, and when I tapped on his door, he waved me in. I slipped inside. “I need a favor.”

  “You look like you’ve seen a ghost. What’s wrong?”

  “I need to hide under your desk until the woman with red hair leaves.”

  “Miss Young? She’s one of the IRS auditors. What’s going on?” My boss leaned to the side for a better look out his office’s window wall. “She does seem to be headed for your office, probably for a copy of your contract files. That is part of what auditors do. I know you dislike tax auditing, but hiding under my desk is a bit much.”

  “She’s one of the auditors?” Hell must have frozen over, giving my Shakespeare quip a bit more credence than I liked. Since when had Kennedy liked anything to do with math? Numbers had been my thing, something she’d only bothered with because I enjoyed toying with them and making them do fun things, like make my boss money.

  “There are at least fifteen of them running around the office this week. You’re going to have to get used to them eventually. I know you have trouble with government employees, but this is a little over the top. The auditors aren’t going to bite you.”

  “I knew her.” It hurt admitting even that little. The shaking started in my hands, as it always did whenever I thought about her. Given five minutes, it’d reach my chest, and then the worst would set in, the kind of breath-stealing anxiety that had landed me in the ER five times in the past year alone.

  My boss groaned and ran his hand through his hair. “You just have to go out of your way to vex me sometimes, don’t you?”

  “Sorry, sir,” I squeaked.

  Not good. Squeaking was never good. Squeaking meant I wasn’t doing the breathing thing like I was supposed to. If I didn’t do the breathing thing, then I got to take a nice ride in an ambulance. Inevitably, I’d get a visit from a cranky angel the next day I was back in work, often a Monday, since I usually ended up having my attacks in a bar somewhere thanks to spotting someone who looked a little too much like Kennedy for my good.

  Propping his elbow on his desk, my boss rested his chin in the palm of his hand and watched me with an arched brow. With his other hand, he picked up his phone and pressed several buttons. “Elise, please redirect the auditing team to the tenth floor for the rest of the day. Offer them my apologies, but we are going to be having a few unexpected and sensitive meetings on the sixteenth floor.”

  Once he hung up, he sighed, backed his chair away from his desk, and shook his head. “Just this once, Reed. You will never live it down, and so help me, if you faint under there, I will make certain Miss Young is the one to discover you.”

  To my credit, I didn’t vault over his desk although I was sorely tempted to. I scrambled beneath, grateful my boss had picked an oak monstrosity with a veneer panel blocking sight of his legs. The psychologists I’d seen over the years about my incarceration-induced PTSD found it odd how well I tolerated dark, confined spaces.

  I thought it was obvious, personally. When I went into enclosed spaces of my own volition, I had no issues. It was only when people started pushing me into spaces I didn’t want to go I started having problems, like my first time outside of the prison and the security guard had pushed down on my head so I wouldn’t crack my skull getting into the car. It’d been a habit for him when dealing with prisoners. I hadn’t even been handcuffed leaving, but it’d been enough to trigger my first attack.

  The doctor had claimed I’d faced too much stimulation after solitary confinement. The doctor hadn’t appreciated my opinion regarding his statements. I should have been a bit nicer about it, but could anyone really blame me? When I said stupid shit, someone inevitably called me out on it. In my case, it was usually someone like Luna who couldn’t mind her own fucking business.

  Closing my eyes helped as long as I ignored the sounds of my boss getting up and heading for his door. Without him hovering, it was a lot easier to remember how to breathe.

  I heard the office door open, and a moment later, my boss peeked under his desk, thrusting Kitten, Destroyer of Worlds into my hands. “You needed a therapy animal years ago. She’d do a lot better in your office rather than stinking up mine.”

  A laugh wheezed out of me, and I ducked my head and breathed through my kitten’s s
oft fur. “Dani’s office.”

  “There will be revenge, Mr. Matthews. Mark my words. When I come for you, the floor will be discussing it for years to come.” My boss chuckled, and while he sat and scooted his chair forward, he gave me plenty of space beneath his desk. “Elise is getting rid of the auditors now, although I expect it will be a few minutes. They’d like to review your files today. I intercepted one of them and told them to just pillage your office for what they needed, but if anything was missing, I’d be taking it up with the IRS. They promised to have the files back to us at the end of the day.”

  “Remember how you said I should contract some sort of illness? I think I have a terrible case of the Black Death, thus I will be unable to come in for at least a week.”

  “Ring around the rosy, pockets full of posy? There are treatments for that.”

  “Rabies.”

  “Also treatments for that. You’d be out a day max for that.”

  “Well shit, sir. What the hell do I need to catch to get out of work for a week?”

  “Use your vacation days. You have about four weeks of them banked up. You could also work from home.” My boss nudged me with his shoe. “Since our floor is the victim of the surprise audits this week, I see no reason why you can’t just take the week off. Keep your phone handy if I need you. No one is going to be pushing major contracts with them nosing around everywhere.”

  My boss’s phone rang. “Yes, Elise? Ah, excellent. Thank you.” He hung up. “It’s clear. Elise convinced them we’d ferry the files for them down to the conference room. Miss Young has left the floor.”

  I heaved a relieved sigh.

  The slight hiss of air heralded the worst stench I’d ever had the misfortune of smelling, and I wasn’t the only one who gagged. Kitten, Destroyer of Worlds mewed her satisfaction and wiggled against my chest.

  I was so, so tempted to toss my kitten across the room to escape the smell, but I couldn’t do it. She was just too cute. I coughed, lifting my sleeve to my nose in the futile effort of breathing without wanting to die. My eyes watered, and blinking didn’t help alleviate the sting at all.

  “Go home and take your kitten with you, Reed.” my boss begged in a strained voice. “Please.”

  I really needed to stop finding things on my hood. Instead of another kitten, I had an angel, and Luna fluttered her wings when I ignored her, opened the back door of my car, and set my kitten’s things inside. Reaching between the seats, I situated Kitten, Destroy of Worlds in the front. “Why are you denting my car?”

  “To give you an excuse to replace it, of course. It would cost you an extra five twenty to fix, which you’ll refuse. Then again, in twenty-five minutes, you’re going to be involved in a rather nasty car accident, so the little dent on your hood will be the least of your concerns. As such, you’re going to give me custody of your kitten so she isn’t involved, thus sparing you a great deal of anguish. Don’t worry, you’ll live. You won’t like it, but you’ll live.”

  “Since when did angels start predicting the future?”

  “I would call it less of a prediction and more of a very meticulous plan I happened to overhear by being a nosy angel who can’t mind her own business.”

  I blinked. “Excuse me?”

  “Was that too much for you so soon after your panic attack?”

  “If you had a neck, Luna, I would probably be strangling you right now.”

  “It’s like we were made this way on purpose.” Luna laughed, and the tension cramping my muscles eased. “I speak truth. You have my solemn vow and oath on it. It’s important your kitten isn’t in the car with you when you are in the accident. It is also important her carrier remains in the car. I will keep her safe.”

  “So if I stay here for twenty-six minutes, I won’t get into a car accident?”

  “No, you’d just be in an even worse accident. I recommend driving home as normal. That will mitigate the accident to survivable levels. I’d be rather disappointed if you died today. I can’t fix death.”

  I opened my mouth, closed it, and got out of my car, closing the back door. Sliding behind the wheel, I considered if I reversed really fast if I’d dislodge the angel from my hood.

  “No, you wouldn’t,” she answered. “I’d be rather cross with you for trying, too. I could help you along a bit. I could suggest to a certain woman upstairs there’s something interesting in the parking garage. I’m sure it wouldn’t take much to convince her to cooperate.”

  Sucking in a breath, I gaped at Luna with wide eyes. The trembling feeling started in my hands again. “You brought her here.”

  “You could have just read the letter, but no. You had to be stubborn about it. If you hadn’t insisted on being stubborn, I wouldn’t have suggested your company be audited by the IRS. If I hadn’t done that, then they wouldn’t have slipped Federal investigators into the auditing crew. You only have yourself to blame. All I did was make a single suggestion. Of course, my other vic—tar—ah, patient, yes, patient—hadn’t been expecting to see a certain name on the employee roster.” Luna pressed her palms together as though she prayed. “Such a miraculous coincidence.”

  I groaned and slumped in my seat, bowing my head. “Why do you hate me so much?”

  “If I hated you, I wouldn’t have told you about the accident. I would have just stolen your kitten. I thought I was being generous.”

  I took several moments to beat my steering wheel. “You’re completely missing the point!”

  “I am?”

  Praying for patience never worked, but I did it anyway. “Luna. What makes you think I want to be in a car accident?”

  “Oh! You don’t, of course. That would be silly. It’ll be in twenty-two minutes. You wouldn’t want to be late. It’s rather important you’re not late.”

  “Humor me, then. What happens if I’m not in the car accident?”

  “Oh, it’s very messy. Bullets to the brain always are. Your third option is drowning in the creek after you get shot in the chest, but I thought you wouldn’t be a fan of that one. I really disliked the one where you’re shoved through a sixteenth story window. For the record, you don’t actually learn to fly before you hit the ground. You do splatter rather spectacularly and leave a rather startling large hole in the sidewalk, though. Shoddy workmanship over a storm drain. It’s traumatizing for all parties involved. As far as deaths go, rather painless, since for you it’s over fairly quick. I could tell you how many seconds it would take you to fall if you’d like.”

  “Pass,” I choked out.

  “What have we learned here?”

  Closing my eyes, I hugged the steering wheel and rested my forehead on my wrist. “Don’t ask angels about the future.”

  “You were always a smart one. Now, what are you going to do now?”

  “I’m going to go home and hope you’re just fucking with me, Luna.” Since I’d never heard an instance of an angel lying, I’d hope the future held something harmless like a fender bender, though I had to give her credit where credit was due. I wouldn’t want my kitten involved in any sort of accident. “I’m not the cause of it, am I?”

  “Oh, no. Not at all. That honor belongs to someone else entirely. You’ll find out soon enough. Oh. When you get a chance, do pick up a weapon. I recommend a sword. You’re really not very good with a gun. Angels typically aren’t. It’s the whole fair fight issue. When we go to battle, we prefer to kill our opponents up close and very personal. You take after us in that regard.” Luna slid off my roof, circled my door, and tapped me on the shoulder. “Your kitten should come with me. Don’t worry. You’ll see her soon enough. It’s just not a good time for her quite yet.”

  “I thought it was against the rules for you angels to interfere with mortal affairs.”

  Luna dismissed me with a wave of her hand. “It’s been at least a hundred years since I’ve gotten in any trouble with Dad. Worth the risk. He should’ve known better than to let me out unsupervised for so long. I preferred it to the other op
tions. Who else am I going to bother at least once a month if you get yourself killed today?”

  “Anything else I should know?”

  “Oh, yes. When you’re ‘helped’ at the accident, just go along with it. I’m sure you’ll figure out how to rescue yourself in short order. This is the only scenario where anyone wants you alive, so do try not to waste the opportunity, all right? Look on the bright side. Your value skyrockets if you live to see tomorrow.” Luna patted my shoulder. “Now, why don’t you hand over your kitten? You need to get on the road or you’ll be late for a very important appointment.”

  I tried not to think too hard about what she’d told me, deciding to err on the side of caution, pushing away from my steering wheel so I could take Kitten, Destroyer of Worlds out of her carrier. Trusting my kitten to an angel couldn’t do any more harm than an accident and a kidnapping. “Wait. They’re going to kidnap me?”

  “That’s the idea, dear. It’s really a stupid thing to do, when I stop to think about it. Oh, well. What can I say? Humans. They do such unnecessary things sometimes.”

  “What did I possibly do to deserve this?”

  “Maybe if you had just read one of the letters instead of throwing them out, you wouldn’t be in this situation right now. But no, you just had to go be stubborn. It’s time to pay the piper. Try to have fun, dear.” Luna plucked my kitten out of my hands, and my tiny tabby terror hissed and scratched at the angel without landing a single hit. “You’ll have to work on that, little kitty. Completely ineffective. How are you going to live up to your name if you can’t touch me?”

  Maybe I hadn’t actually made it out of my boss’s office. Passing out during panic attacks happened often enough with me. I could believe I was having a really bad dream where an angel stole my kitten and warned me I was about to be in an accident. Traditionally, I called them nightmares.

  Yeah, I’d just go with a particularly vivid nightmare. What else could I do?

  “Die,” the angel helpfully answered.

  Angels really were assholes.