No Kitten Around

by RJ Blain

  Elves needed to get over their gemstone fetish. Fortunately, I was wise enough not to say that to their faces.

  It took them almost two hours to dress me to their satisfaction, and I considered myself lucky I’d escaped without additional jewelry. Both of them eyed my tie like they wanted to rip it off and replace it with something as gaudy as Kitten’s cloak and collar.

  It was a good thing they hadn’t told me their names; I would’ve spent the whole time cursing them both to eternal damnation.

  “I just have one question.” I glared at each of the picture-perfect elves in suits that made me look like a reaper of death out for souls compared to their blue-green peacocks. Add in their elven features and pointy ears, and no woman would look twice at me with them present.

  I’d forgive Kennedy if her jaw dropped in their presence; they oozed natural appeal out of their pores, which woke the more demonic side of my nature. I supposed territorial disputes were part of elven culture in some fashion, as the more I’d bristled over the week, the happier they’d been about it.

  Damned annoying elves.

  They stared at me, and their perfect brows rose in unison in silent questioning.

  “Are you a test of temptation for her? Because seriously? No sane woman is going to look twice at me with you two standing around.”

  They chuckled, and the one I’d dubbed the leader of the duo shook his head. “We’re the ones Samantha deemed most likely to survive a week training you with minimal injury to you and to us. It is our honor to present ourselves accordingly for your ceremony.”

  “If Kennedy uses her Japanese death scythe on you for covering me in bruises, it’s not my fault. And don’t ask about Evening Star.”

  The elves only seemed amused. “I think we’ll be fine.”

  “I’m not carrying your skull around if you get yourself killed underestimating her,” I warned.

  “You concern is appreciated. Our families would take care of our skulls, so don’t worry. The only skull you need to worry about is hers should you outlive her, and yours should she outlive you.”

  Kitten, Destroyer of Worlds regarded me, and if she had eyebrows, I was positive she would’ve hiked one up. Ever since she’d devoured Kimaris’s seed, she’d abandoned her purely feline ways for something a little more cunning, a little more intellectual, and a lot more troublesome.

  She’d developed a taste for human food, as had Puppy, and with the understanding they were more than just a cat and a dog, I’d gone along with it, planning meals for four instead of two. Kennedy accepted my insistence they live the high life for one reason alone: Kitten, Destroyer of Worlds no longer inflicted biological warfare on us for feeding her cat food.

  Nowadays, she reserved her most potent weapon in her arsenal for when we withheld milk or catnip, both of which transformed her into a menace.

  “Where is the wedding taking place?”

  “A short drive from here. Part of the ceremony is simple. You will walk a path lined by members of her family and associates. They’ve been encouraged to add to your bruises to prove your dedication to your bride. You’re invited to return blows as you see fit. The only rules are any who challenge you must do so with handheld weapons; no guns.” The elf turned his nose up at that. “As we’ve been warned you will not fight in earnest, we’ve taken the liberty of coaxing Redemption into dulling his edge and using only the flat for your challenge to reach your bride. Once you have met in the middle, you will walk to the altar. This represents you completing your journey to becoming a partnership together. At that point, you will take your traditional human vows.”

  “What would elves do?”

  “Fight, of course. We’ve determined that you two have weathered enough conflict and do not need to participate in the marital brawl.”

  Marital brawl? “Elves fight each other before they’re wed?”

  “First they fight each other to the first blood, then they fight a mutual enemy. Alas, the enemy typically doesn’t survive, as two elves attacking the same target usually doesn’t end well for someone. Samantha thought it would be wise if we skipped that phase of the ceremony. It seems there will be those law enforcement types on your bride’s side.” Both elves rolled their eyes. “And there have been rumors of angels joining in, so you may get your marital brawl after all.”

  “You know what? I don’t want to know. Just point where I’m supposed to go.”

  Next time an elf volunteered to coordinate anything for me, I’d make sure I respectfully declined. Then I’d pack my bags and leave for a place so remote they wouldn’t be able to find me and carve out my heart for the insult of refusing their help.

  I understood why I wore a plain suit around the time I saw the gauntlet waiting for me, and at the front of the line was my grinning boss, who held a wooden baseball bat in his hand. “It’s not every day I get to send off an employee to the rest of his life with a baseball bat. I absolutely couldn’t refuse that invitation. I can’t believe you’re leaving me for a woman who drove you into hiding beneath my desk with your cat.”

  Kitten, Destroyer of Worlds purred and rubbed against the legs of the elves holding her leash so I could wade through the mayhem to reach my bride. I wondered if my side of the family was giving Kennedy issues.

  Kennedy’s side had at least a hundred men and women, all armed with some form of weapon, eager and willing to add to my bruises. I drew Redemption, and the golden diamond flared before encasing the blade in its glow. “So you joined her team? How is that fair?”

  “You resigned. Her team got me a baseball bat with your name on it.”

  I pointed Redemption at him. “I resigned because she’s convincing about career changes.”

  “I’m sure your future co-workers are going to enjoy discovering if you’re even remotely up to par,” he taunted.

  I turned to my elven escorts. “Just for clarification, this is a non-lethal beating, right?”

  “They’ve been asked to limit your beating to survival levels. We’ve a few people, including a pair of unwanted angels, who can help with the injuries afterwards.”

  “Am I attending my own wedding or my murder?” I sighed and rolled my shoulders. “All right. If you folks insist on being in the way, then I’ll just have to go through you.”

  My newly former boss laughed. “Who are you trying to fool, Reed? You’re an angel in disguise. You wouldn’t hurt a fly without a damned good reason.”

  “Coming between me and my bride is a damned good reason.” When it came to winning a fight, I’d given up on the idea of being the better man. I’d leave him only a little battered and bruised, but I’d leave no doubt in anyone’s mind I meant to make it to the altar no matter how many people I had to beat to do it.

  Everything went to plan until an entire quartet of elves, Samantha included, decided I hadn’t earned Kennedy. I thought I’d done a good job; I’d beaten bruises into every last one of my contesters without drawing a drop of blood. Maybe the lack of blood annoyed them, although I suspected Samantha had joined Team Kennedy to make certain I was worthy of my bride.

  In either case, if the elf wanted a fight, I’d give her one.

  Had she wanted to kill me, she would’ve, but as she didn’t, Samantha beat me with a stick, one she’d wrapped in padding. It still hurt when she thwacked me with it. Her trio of accomplices, all women, went for me like I was their favorite dessert.

  Any other man might’ve liked the idea of four women out for him, but I knew better. Alone, one of them could pound me into the ground. Four of them? I was a dead man walking, and I’d need a miracle to make it to the altar.

  “I don’t fucking think so!” Kennedy howled and waded into the fray.

  A miracle or Kennedy on a rampage would work. Like Redemption, golden light enveloped Evening Star’s blade, transforming the lethal weapon into the equivalent of a club. Her war cry alerted the quartet of elves, not that I held much faith the changed odds would work in our favor. As Kennedy wanted to fig
ht with the elves, too, I’d join her.

  And I’d also marvel how the hell she fought in a white, frilly dress with a fortune in pearls covering it. It had a slit up the side that convinced me my new goal in life was to get her somewhere private so I could take my time admiring—and removing—her clothes, especially the taunting little garter hugging her leg.

  Despite the dress adhering to modern standards of decency, the top clung to her chest and left no doubt she was a woman in her prime, the slit drove me crazy, and even her shoes, spiked weapons attached to her feet and encrusted with pearls, existed only to make me want her more.

  “More fighting, less drooling!” Kennedy barked.

  The elves laughed and engaged with my bride, leaving me to enjoy the view. A year ago, I never would’ve imagined Kennedy holding her own against four elves, but she’d lost all her hesitancies around Samantha and her pointy-eared cohorts. My bride wanted their blood, and she meant to get it. I relaxed my grip on Redemption, torn between watching her go for them, one of the sexiest things I’d seen in my life, or wading in to help her.

  Did she need my help? Despite the odds, I thought she held her own, which made the whole thing even sexier.

  “I think you’re supposed to go in and help her,” my father said, and he had the evidence of a black eye forming. “Though I’m not sure she needs it. Your woman hits hard.”

  “What did you do to deserve it?”

  “I didn’t get out of her way fast enough.”

  “Sounds about right.” I rolled my shoulders. “Did Mother decide to attend?”

  “With minimal protest, much to the surprise of that elf, who swore vengeance on the entire family line, save for you, if we breathed wrong and ruined your wedding.”

  Elves liked it when their students hit them. I could repay her with a few good hits. “Excuse me for a moment. I have an elf to thank.”

  “Just how to do you plan on thanking her?”

  “I’ll hit her a few times.”

  My father sighed. “Damned elves.”

  “This won’t take long,” I promised. It wouldn’t take long because I’d turn murderous at unnecessary delays between marrying Kennedy and escaping everyone. Firming my grip on Redemption’s hilt, I wielded it like a baseball bat and waded into the fray.

  Smacking the blade into the back of Samantha’s knees counted as cheating. The elf yelped, whirled, and spat curses at me. “Why the hell did I teach you to cheat?”

  “Poor foresight,” I replied, unable to hide my grin. Since giving her a single chance to retaliate would either hurt or knock me out of the fight, I joined Kennedy in beating back the quartet preventing us from getting to the happily married portion of our day. “Why are we fighting you?”

  “We were fresh out of enemies for you two to fight together, so we’re standing in as evidence of your willingness to fight together.” Samantha hopped back and lifted her hand. The rest of the elves backed away. “I forgot to account for your maleness.”

  “My maleness?”

  “You saw her and you lost your ability to string two words together.”

  “Samantha, any man with functional eyes is going to have trouble stringing words together when she’s looking like that.”

  She’d been a marvel to behold while diving into the fray to battle with elves, but her smile stole my breath. “You’re not too bad yourself in that pretty suit, although I have to admit, there was something rather satisfying watching you spank my co-workers and boss.”

  Well, shit. “One of them was your boss?”

  “Your boss starting in a month,” she confirmed.

  “Should I be worried?”

  Kennedy stepped closer and returned Evening Star to her gem-encrusted sheath hidden among the skirts of her dress. I followed her example, and as soon as I’d sheathed Redemption, she linked her arm with mine. “You have nothing to worry about. He’s never gotten to meet an elf before. There are twenty-two here today for the festivities.”

  “Why so many?” I whispered.

  “Friends of Sammy’s. They wanted to witness her students marrying each other.”

  “I don’t suppose they told you how this was actually supposed to work, did they?”

  “Sammy assumed you’d see me in this dress after being worked up in a fight and be incapable of remembering your own name, so she coached me on what we needed to do.”

  Considering my common sense had dribbled right out of my ears, I couldn’t blame the elf. “Please tell me we go to the altar and then get to run away.”

  “Sammy was also concerned after a week of seclusion, you would be rather eager to get to our evening activities.”

  “With you in that dress? Only a fool would assume otherwise.”

  “I’m glad you like the dress.”

  “Please tell me you get to keep the dress.”

  Laughing, she nodded before checking over her shoulder. I checked, too. The guests gathered behind us, a mix of my family, hers, too many elves for anyone’s comfort, and more of Kennedy’s friends and co-workers than mine. They must have been coached on what to do, as there seemed to be order to the chaos.

  Both of my angelic grandparents stood with their demonic counterparts and my human grandparents, and as my father had promised, my mother stood with them. She didn’t smile, but I refused to worry about it. She’d bothered to come, which exceeded my expectations and hopes. I doubted we’d ever become anything more than a wary mother and a wayward son, but I could live with the memory of her coming despite failing her expectations.

  I would make it enough.

  Samantha strode to us, and a tall, golden-skinned man with ivory wings and a laurel wreath encircling his curled hair followed her. I’d heard of divines who walked among men and choose to meddle in their affairs, much like angels, but I’d never met one before. I could make a guess at who joined Samantha in standing before us: some called him Cupid, others called him Eros, but I couldn’t think of any other divine who fit the mold.

  The divine flashed a smile at me. “I do enjoy when the mortals recognize me for who I am without thinking my mother’s the better choice. How refreshing.”

  If anyone dared to question my union with Kennedy, I’d laugh myself sick. I should’ve known better than to expect a normal marriage with an elf at the helm.

  Samantha clasped her hands in front of her. “The altar’s a metaphorical one today, but I don’t think you’ll mind. The results are the same. Forces beyond mortal understanding brought you here. Some may say it began with The Almighty, as two of his angels found love within their hearts pure and strong enough for them to leave their mark on this Earth in the form of their mortal children. Their children, touched by the heaven’s angels and the hell’s demons with the spark of human life led to you.”

  I supposed I was living evidence of the Christian faith in more ways than I cared to admit.

  “If we were to judge you by those who came before you, we’d be mistaken to ignore the presence of elven blood in your heritage, strong enough we welcome you among us. But it’s not your blood that defines you, it’s your deeds. You’re much like the still surface of a lake. We think we understand it peering through the water, but in truth, your depths hide a complexity that’s been a joy to watch grow. The road you’ve walked here was a long one, and for much of the journey, you were hidden from the light. Those days are done. You have surpassed them.”

  Kennedy tightened her hold on my arm, and I placed my hand over hers.

  Samantha’s attention shifted to Kennedy. “Your journey has been a much different one, and your haunting regrets transformed you from a girl to a woman, one with an understanding of truth, consequence, and loyalty. Some will judge you for your choices. Let them judge. They have not walked in your shoes. They have not endured the darkness like you have. You have earned your place at his side as much as he has earned his place at your side. When they judge you, remind yourself of one thing: they did not endure the tender, loving care of an elf for so
long and live to tell the tale. Like him, your journey here was long, and you, too, were hidden from the light. Those days are done. You have surpassed them.”

  The crowd behind us broke into titters, which they did their best to quell. The elven men who’d kept me busy brought Kitten, Destroyer of Worlds forward while two elven women brought Puppy, Savior of Worlds over. I released my hold on Kennedy’s hand so I could take my cat’s leash.

  She climbed up my leg, dug her claws into my back, and settled on my shoulder.

  Kennedy regarded her corgi with an arched brow. “Don’t even think about trying that stunt, pup.”

  Puppy, Savior of Worlds sat down and panted, the image of canine contentment.

  “We would be amiss if we didn’t welcome the two lives that made so much of a difference in binding you both together until your dying day. Throughout my long life, there have been few beings quite capable of healing broken hearts quite like a pet. For you, Reed, it took a little kitten who found her way to the hood of your car in the wee hours of the morning. For you, Kennedy, it took the help of an abandoned puppy you found on the side of the road. They taught you both many lessons, and I expect they’ll teach you many more throughout the years. They’ve earned their spot here as much as you have, although I refuse to wed a cat and a dog.”

  I pressed my lips together so I wouldn’t snicker, and Kennedy bumped my foot with her weaponized shoe. Our family and friends laughed behind us.

  “Elves do not speak vows, not in the way humans do. We prove our devotion through the deeds of our life. The exchange of rings become a visible symbol of deeds already done. You have done this. In elven eyes, you were wed the instant you dedicated yourselves to each other the day you exchanged rings and confirmed your determination to see your journey to its end together. All this does is satisfy human laws for tax purposes, so I’ll leave that nonsense to Eros.”