by Alice Moore
The assessment stopped any response I could’ve given, and my brows came together sharply. Was that how people would see it? I’m a too-trusting delusional? My gaze flickered to Kiki, and I pursed my lips together as she rested her head on her paws. She seemed perfectly okay that this strange man was sitting on the couch with me- that I was essentially an invalid who he can easily take advantage of if he wanted to. Kiki’s ears weren’t tense, her tail was curled comfortably, and her eyes only watched James lazily.
There were no signs that she suspected him of any potential threat.
“… Do you really think that’s how people will see it? She’s a military dog-“
“Oh- bullshit. Caroline, she was a military candidate that was scrapped for whatever dumbass reason. To answer your question, though- yes. That’s exactly how people will see it. They’ll think you spend too much time with the dog and in the wilderness, and they’ll argue that it’s not healthy. Seriously, you can’t expect anyone to understand the bond you have with Kiki- least of all court officials. No matter how many times you say ‘he saved me; he’s not a creep’, all they’ll focus on is that you were injured and drugged unconscious for five hours on my kitchen table.”
My heart slammed against my chest as James’ sharp words assaulted my eardrums. Goosebumps rose on my skin, and in the growing silence my discomfort grew five fold. Trapped between my fingers, the spork creaked under my tightening grip before I took a deep, hard breath.
“S- so… why are you out here by yourself, anyway?” Changing the subject with no subtlety at all, I shoveled my goop into my mouth as James heaved a big sigh. Glancing at him out of the corner of my eye, I couldn’t help but notice the deep shadows that contoured his face. There wasn’t even much reason for them to be there; the television was right in front of us and on.
They just seemed to be anchored to his cheeks and eyes, and for a moment I wondered if he’d answer me until he opened his mouth.
James
“The woman I thought I loved chose my brother. Long story short- I fucked up, and she payed the price. So, I left.” Grimacing at my empty bag, I let my spork fall from my fingers to grind my teeth absently. “Not that it did much good because I just fucked myself all over again after getting here, but that’s a story for another time.”
I couldn’t even mention what happened with Hannah without automatically thinking of Frank, and the plastic bag in my hand crinkled loudly as I fisted my fingers. Nick was right, and time had only made that fact more glaringly obvious. Frank was someone I obsessed over, and no one could get in the way no matter how hard he or she tried.
“… That’s shitty… you know- I was engaged once.” Glancing up, I watched displeasure flitter across Caroline’s expression through narrowed eyes. Her hair was a pretty, dark, cherry blonde color now that it was clean, and she reached to push away her drying curls with steady fingers. “He left me when I told him I wanted to wait to have kids. I was barely 21 when he proposed to me after three years- I thought I hit the fucking jackpot. But he kept bringing up kids, or his parents would bring up grandkids, and I caught him poking holes into the condoms even though I was secretly on birth control. I went ballistic- Jesus… even thinking about it now gives me this shitty feeling for how bad I was.”
Blinking slowly, I sucked in air before realizing I’d been holding my breath. Across the couch, Caroline puffed out her cheeks, and I cocked my head as questions swirled behind my eyes. I couldn’t help but wonder why she was even revealing this crap to me. I was a stranger no matter how comfortable her dog was with me.
“Anyway- two weeks later I come to our shared apartment and all of his shit is gone. Even his roll of toilet paper. He left me a note saying he wasn’t going to wait until he was too old to want to play with his kids and all that stuff… but he was only 23 at the time. It’s ridiculous. After all these years, I still can’t think of a single reason why anyone, man or woman, would want children so bad it’s actually detrimental to their relationship.”
“He was probably going to fuck you over.” Spitting out the first thing I thought of, I silently recounted the horror stories I’d heard abroad from my fellow servicemen. Arching an eyebrow, Caroline turned all of her intense attention to me as I shrugged. “You know- marry you, get you pregnant, then instigate and make your lives miserable until you get a divorce. I mean, sure- he has to pay… but then he can be that guy with the crazy ex-wife and get sympathy from his work or women or whatever. Guys like that are dicks- plain and simple. You dodged a bullet, Caroline.”
My thoughts went to a man Nick knew that’d done just what Caroline had experienced. He’d gotten a thrill from stringing the poor girl along, and in the end, he turned her into a strung out, psycho-bitch with two kids and no support system. It was as insane as it was sad.
“Yeah, I’m aware. Now, I live with my dad and am happy as a peach… What about you? The woman? How did she fall in love with your brother? That’s some crazy stuff, you know.” Hannah’s image flashed in my mind’s eye, and for a moment I was quiet. She’d be four months pregnant by now, but the curiosity ringing in my ears banished the notion. Leaning back to cross my knees, I stared at the television blankly as I replayed those weeks. Everything felt like it’d happened to someone else- like my experience with Frank had fucked with me beyond repair.
And there’s that asshole again. In the same thought bubble. Fuck.
“I was just an idiot, reading too much into the situation. The harder I pressed, the more she went to Nick. It’s been months- I honestly can say that I haven’t really thought about her that much. There’s not much else to it.” Better leave the drugs out of it for now.
“And since then, you’ve just been out here- by yourself… doing nothing but eating Army rations and watching Channel 4 News and drinking beer?” Nodding firmly, I tilted my head just in time to watch Caroline bark out a harsh laugh. She was pretty, even when she was assaulting me with that condescending sound, and her light brown eyes sparkled when they met mine. “Aren’t soldiers supposed to be world-weary? I thought you guys didn’t have a gullible side, James.”
“There’s a difference between being gullible and being stupid, okay? I just picked the wrong fucking stripper that night-“ My defense cut off by more laughing, and Caroline doubled over to clutch her belly. Clenching my teeth tightly, I stood up stiffly as she was still trying to get control of herself. Her laughter followed my, gyrating my eardrums and taunting me as I grew hot and tense.
“She- she’s a st- stripper! Oh- you’re right! You were stupid! You debatably fell in love with a stripper, and she chose your brother… Oh- Oh Jesus… That’s amazing.” Amusement was clear in Caroline’s voice, and I tossed my lunch bag to yank open the refrigerator roughly.
“Fuck you, okay? You’d understand if you met her.” Grabbing two water bottles, I gnashed my teeth while Caroline sputtered her insincere apologies. She was still giggling when I dropped back onto the couch, and I tossed her the plastic container with annoyance coursing through my veins. “The point is, I’m perfectly fucking okay with where I’m at right now. So, how long ago did Mister Douchebag disappear on you?”
“Seven years ago. Afterwards, I moved in with my dad and decided to pursue photography full time. I got Kiki a year and a half ago under my dad’s suggestion. He’s always liked military dogs because they typically come pretty well trained even after failing or retiring. When Kiki didn’t like him, he got all butt hurt.” Easily Caroline offered up whatever information she was willing to give- which was quite a bit. Glancing between her and her dog, I drew my brows together before opening my mouth.
“What made you pick her?” I’d never been much of a pet person, and I couldn’t figure out why Caroline would pick one dog over another. The smile that crested her cheeks was reminisced and fond, and I held my breath as anticipation replaced blood in my veins.
“She was going to be put down because she was very violent and disobedient. The day I went to the kennels was
actually the last day she was supposed to be there. She’d failed her certified training courses twice- I guess they did it twice because she’s super smart… But- yeah- I went down the line and they all seemed like good dogs, you know? But I wanted more than a pet. And I get to the end, and there’s a door where they keep the bad ones. I can see her through the little window, and she looked at me… and I just knew. I knew she was the one for me. The officers at the kennel told me she couldn’t be adopted out, but I went back there, and Kiki wasn’t even nervous or anything. It was like we were meant for each other. One of the officers tried to take my shoulder, and she went crazy. Broke through a corner of the fencing and nearly took his arm off.”
“My dad was so pissed when we got home. Kiki hates his guts and he can’t understand why. He threw a fit that lasted an entire week before realizing I wasn’t taking her back. Then, I spent six or seven months training her on top of her Naval training. And this was the result.” Caroline’s anecdote came to a close, and I rested my head back against my bicep to digest her story. She was pretty incredible to successfully train a military dog; their orders were ingrained in them from the moment they were born.
Then again, she was probably smart about it and didn’t try to rewrite the dog’s brain, just add onto it.
“That’s a crazy story. When I was in the Marines, I had a partner who had a dog. That thing was fucking terrible. It shed everywhere and ate all of our helmets at least once.” A low, humorless chuckle escaped my lips, and I frowned into space as Caroline’s gaze bored into my cheek. “That piece of shit… Any normal service dog would’ve smelled the IED… we weren’t even going that fast. Next thing you know, the dog, my buddies, and the Humvee are splattered across the sand and on fire.”
“Did they die?” My leg ached at the question, and I reached to rub it hard with the butt of my palm. Taking a deep breath through my nose, I held it before letting my lungs deflate in a gust. Thinking of that day didn’t hurt much anymore, but my leg- fuck- my leg throbbed every time.
“Yeah. One of them. He sat right next to me. We couldn’t even find parts of his body. My CO is in a wheelchair- my XO is a fucking vegetable… And I’ve got this to remind me that shit happens.” Patting my thigh, I tossed my head to stare intently at Caroline’s face. Where I expected horror, pity, I only saw curiosity and pride. Just like when she woke up, she was surprising me.
“Would you go back if you could?” Slowly shaking my head, I lifted my water bottle to my lips only to pause. Tearing my eyes off Caroline, I frowned at the hard, plastic cap that closed the container. Forcefully twisting the top, I tossed the piece onto the coffee table with a grunt.
Talking about my service, even with a stranger, wasn’t difficult for me; it’d never been. As a veteran, you’re expected to talk about it. But I’d rather die than go through that again. Especially if it meant turning into Frank.
Caroline
Staring at the clock on the bottom of the Newscast, I couldn’t even bring myself to blink under the crushing weight of boredom. My body buzzed and itched to move, but even shuffling my legs sent needles to attack my broken bones and abused muscles. It hadn’t even been twenty minutes since my conversation with James had ended, but I was already starting to go crazy.
Reaching for my camera, my fingers were stiff as they wrapped around the metal and plastic. It’s a shame I can’t leave this couch without help…
“You should take a nap if you’re bored, Caroline. It’s not like you can do anything else.” Casting a glare at James, I crossed my arms over my chest while he sniggered. “Don’t be like that. You’re the one that decided to break your ankle.”
“Can you not, please? I’m not tired.” Frowning deeply, I sunk into the couch to huff as James shook his head. “I’m not tired.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not much of a stimulating conversationalist.” Even a deaf person could hear the conversation tapering off, and I focused on the television even as my mind wandered. James had revealed some seemingly personal things, but I wasn’t naïve. My father took a piece of shrapnel to the face, and everywhere we went, people asked him about it.
But I wanted to know more about what gave James that tortured look on his face, and I sucked my bottom lip between my teeth to bite hard. Strangers were the best people to talk to because they had no bias; someone in high school told me that, and I’d never forgotten it.
“… Just ask already, Caroline.” Resignation weighed down James’ voice, and my heart jumped into my throat. “You already know why I’m out here, so what else is there?”
“… You just… you look… haunted- and not like most vets…” Haltingly I spoke up, and this time it was James turn to watch me. His intense, dark stare dug deep trenches along my jaw and cheekbone, and I pursed my lips into a thin line. The silence was deafening, and goosebumps rose on my skin the longer it dragged out.
“I’m not going to go psycho on you, if that’s what you’re worried about. You’re perfectly safe even without Kiki.” James’ sigh tickled my arm, and discomfort festered in my gut as he shuffled in his seat. “I don’t really want to talk about it. One person is too many to know what I know.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry…” A million thoughts ran through my mind, but I knew they were comparable to adorable kittens to what he had experienced. He mentioned his friends being wounded- dying- without so much as a lilt in his voice, but this…
There was true fear and pain in his words. Creeping for my camera, my fingers twitched at the idea that something had scared James more than war. I carefully picked up the device, and when I glanced over, he still wore a dark expression. The mask he tried to build was faulty and already crumbling, and I brought my scope to my eye to capture it.
The shudder of my camera caused James to blink, and he scowled at me as I took a second picture. Through the lens, he looked meaner; there was a fire in his eyes I couldn’t see as clearly without help. Locked deep down, his emotions needed a magnifying glass to be seen.
“It’s not your fault. I did it to myself. Besides, you’ll be leaving in a day or two- there’s no reason for me to fuck up your life when I’m not even in it.” Gulping down the lump in my throat, I reached to adjust the lens as James’ lip twitched in a smirk filled with self-depreciation. “Just don’t publish these, and you can take as many as you want. I kind of want documentation for just how much I single-handedly fucked up.”
“You’re very photogenic. I don’t usually photograph people. I’ve won a few awards for my nature photography, though- so… it’s similar, I guess. It depends on the subject, too. Sometimes people that want to be photographed are very pretty in person, but not on a piece of paper.” Turning to me as I spoke, James stared dead down the lens with a stony look. There was no indication he was at all interested in what I had to say, but accomplishment blossomed in my chest regardless. My awards were nothing more than plaques, and small ones, but they were still incredibly hard to achieve.
“You said you publish under one of my brother’s photography firms, right? You do know he owns Sundance Photography Journal?” Nodding slightly, I lowered my camera before offering a response.
“Yeah. I’ve tried to get to that level, but they always reject me. Their focus is people and the places they inhabit, not animals. Life Perceived is the biggest wildlife journal I could get into.” Holding back the truth sent a sick feeling into my gut, but my voice was steady. Truth be told, I wanted to break into Sundance since I started photography when I was a kid. The Journal was the premier; anyone in even their smallest features was guaranteed to be famous and highly sought after.
But Sundance only did three wildlife journals in its entire 120 year history, and I hadn’t been alive for any of them.
“Is that why you’re out here? For a shoot for them?” Now that my camera wasn’t an obstacle between us, James’ curiosity was clear in his voice. Glancing over at him, I cracked a smile and nodded before he reached to scratch his cheek. “At least they�
��ll cover your medical bills when you eventually make it to a hospital. Do they pay well?”
“Yeah- I’ve been working for them since I was 16… it would’ve been longer, but my dad was deployed a lot when I was a kid. He would’ve had to be there for meetings and stuff, and when I turned 16 he just had a sign a piece of paper electronically. The head editor’s wife really likes me, so they buy a lot more than they do with other photographers.”
“That’s some crazy luck. What about your mom?” The conversation was so natural, and I frowned slightly at James’ question. I couldn’t imagine he was one to give pity, but my throat still clogged. I’d only ever discussed this with my dad, and this was ten times more uncomfortable.
“Eh… she’s in prison according to my dad. Fraud and federal tax evasion. From what I know, she and my dad had a one night stand, and she intentionally got pregnant to claim money and extort my dad. He was a pencil pusher until I turned 3 years old, and then the war broke out, so he hired a nanny and got sent east. He went back and forth until I turned 21 before he made his 20.” My mind filled with images, memories of video and phone calls that lasted precious minutes. Taking a shallow breath, I shook my head absently to push them away. “What about you- your parents, I mean?”
“Nick set them up. My dad was a real hard ass- he believed in corporal punishment like all the old people do. I always got this shit kicked out of me until he realized I wasn’t meant to be smart. So they’ve got Nick, the smartass businessman, and Ethan is the baby, and I did my 14 before being honorably discharged. But, to be honest, I really can’t stand my parents. They’re all about social propriety. I still get scolded for swearing in front of them.” Instantly my brain conjured images of gracefully aging, incredibly entitled old people, and I smiled widely. Across the couch, James smirked, as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. “Yeah- exactly.”