Secrets of My Hollywood Life #2: On Location

by Jen Calonita

  "But Kaitlin's paying you, which means you're supposed to actually help out," Nadine retorts. "Or are you so rich you forgot about your paycheck?"

  "I'm sick of you treating me like your intern," Liz com plains. "Why am I the one who has to arrange Kaitlin's weekly birds-of-paradise flower arrangement and get her Coffee Bean &Tea Leaf fix and pick up her dry-cleaning?"

  "I can't trust you enough to do anything else, that's why," Nadine replies bitterly. "I worked my way through college and I've been assisting Kaitlin for a few years so that I can pay for business school." She glances at me. "And I care about this job and work hard to do it well. Why are you here? So you can tell Daddy you have a real job? You're just a spoiled rich kid who thinks the world owes her something. Well, you know what? It doesn't." Nadine's face is almost the same color as her hair.

  Liz lunges forward, but I hold on to her Pucci t-shirt with my right arm. WHOA. I've never heard either of them so an gry. Before they started working together, they always got along.

  "How dare you talk to me like that?" Liz counters. "It's not my fault you're stuck working as Kaitlin's slave."

  "Slave?" I jump in, getting upset. "I guess that spa week end I gave Nadine in Palm Springs last month was torture."

  HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER THIRTEEN: Nadine and Liz's job isn't a picnic, but it isn't all chores either. Nadine has some pretty great perks as a celebrity personal assistant--a nice paycheck, first-class flights anywhere she goes with me, her own hotel room, killer freebies (Jacob &Co. recently gave her some pretty nice bling that's usually reserved for celebrities), and a sideline view to all of the Hollywood ac tion. I should remind them that not all personal assistants have it this easy. Sky makes her ever-changing assistant do heinous things like pop her zits (EWW!). A teen country music star I know makes his assistant run all over town to find Air Force One sneakers (he never wears the same pair more than twice). Another acquaintance makes his assistant have his Evian purified by a shaman before he'll drink it. And one of my married costars on FA makes his assistant, um, pay his girlfriend's bills on the sly.

  Liz sighs. "I'm sorry, Kates. I didn't mean that. I got car ried away."

  "Me too," Nadine grumbles.

  "I don't want to lose either of you," I plead. "Now that you've both said everything you've been holding in, maybe you can just make up?" I suggest hopefully.

  Nadine and Liz continue to glare at each other. "I'm a professional," Nadine says stiffly. "Working together won't be a problem."

  "Whatever she said," Liz mutters.

  Well, neither actually apologized, but I guess this is a start.

  Liz opens the door to the living room and walks out without looking back. She picks up her Sidekick. "Accord ing to Nadine's tight schedule, I'm supposed to get you cof fee right now," Liz says to me. "What do you want?"

  "I'll take a Mocha Frappuccino," Matty calls out from the couch where he's watching Dr. Phil. Mom sits next to him reading the latest issue of Hollywood Nation. "With extra whipped cream."

  Liz and I look at each other.

  "This came for you, Katie-Kins, while you were inside." Dad holds out two sheets of white paper. "It's tomorrow's schedule."

  "I'll bet it is," I grumble. "Can one of you double-check this?" I ask Nadine and Liz.

  Liz sighs loudly. "I can't believe you still think Maddy is trying to sabotage you--"

  Nadine snatches the paper. "I'll double-check it," she in terrupts. "I'm starting to think there have been one too many mistakes involving Madison for them all to be accidents." I smile gratefully.

  "Why would someone give you a fake call sheet?" Dad asks.

  "Madison hates Kaitlin." Matt yawns. "So do Sky and Drew. And Hutch half the time." I glare at Matt.

  "You mean the Nation article is true?" Dad looks confused. "I heard Hutch was a screamer and bad with staying on sched ule, but I can't believe anyone would hate our Katie-Kat."

  "You knew all that and didn't tell me?" I'm incredulous. "Why would you let me work with someone like that?"

  "You've always admired him, sweetie, and Mom thought the role was good for your career," Dad says gently. "You're a fighter! We knew you could handle him. Besides, this is your first two-million-dollar paycheck. Isn't the headache worth it?"

  I don't know if I should laugh or cry. Before I can do ei ther, Mom lets out a small sob.

  "Who the hell is Hayley Meyers?" she asks, holding up an article with a picture of Austin and me. "And why is she talk ing to Hollywood Nation about your relationship? Or about that boy's ex-girlfriend?"

  I look from Liz to Nadine, since they still won't glance at each other, and try not to laugh. Hayley. The poor kid prob ably got cold-called and didn't know what hit her.

  "Seriously, Katie-Kat, do you think this relationship is worth it?" Mom starts, but she's interrupted by Nadine's walkie-talkie.

  "Kaitlin Burke. Matt Burke. You're needed on the library set in ten," Hank shouts cheerfully.

  I've never been so happy to get back to set. "I've got to go," I say quickly, snatching the magazine from her hands to read the article on the golf cart ride over. I gather my cue cards and motion to Rodney to get the door.

  "Kaitlin, I'm talking to you," Mom persists. "We need to discuss getting the confidentiality agreements signed by the Meyers. What if the whole family is trying to make money off you?"

  I grab Matty's arm and race out the door. I've had enough drama for one day.

  WEDNESDAY 7/11

  NOTE TO SELF:

  Thurs. Calltime 8 PM--Canyon Creek Park Fri.-Sun. On location in San Diego, calltime 6 AM--(PACK SUITCASE! Have Nadine check hotel res. Does hotel have masseuse???) 7/21 Hollywood Girl bash

  FourTEEN: Your Typical Hollywood Girl

  "Kaitlin, where are the three-carat diamond earrings we borrowed for you to wear?" Mom demands.

  I'm so happy to be cuddled next to Austin in the black stretch limo that I completely forgot anyone else was here. I look across the aisle at Mom, who has her right eyebrow raised menacingly. I slowly reach up and touch my unaccessorized earlobe. Uh-oh.

  "Rodney turn the car around," Mom commands. "I can't believe you forgot your earrings!" she scolds. Her own dia monds chandelier earrings sway as she shakes her head.

  I smile sheepishly but I'm at a loss for words. Liz and Nadine are in the dog house so I didn't expect them to pipe up, but my other limo mates--Dad, Matt, Austin, and Rodney--don't jump to my defense either. I guess Mom can be pretty scary.

  I've been so looking forward to tonight. Not only because I'm being honored by Hollywood Girl magazine as one of their five women of the year, but also, and most important, because I get to spend the whole evening with Austin. Even though we've been speaking and e-mailing every day, I've been counting down the hours till I could see Austin (and drool over him in a suit). He's been on a family vacation in San Francisco. He brought me back a cool t-shirt and Hayley got me a box of saltwater taffy. Austin said his mom grounded her post-vacay for three weeks for talking to the press. Poor girl.

  But all thoughts of Austin flew out the window when Rodney and I got home and found Mom, hair half-done, still in her True Religion capri-length jeans, yelling at Na-dine and Liz, who had left the set early to pick up my gorgeous, one-of-a-kind white chiffon and silver sequined dress. Laney was fighting with them too--she was scream ing obscenities over the speaker phone.

  "You two are supposed to have Kaitlin's back!" Mom said frostily as she paced back and forth while Nadine and Liz looked on, white-faced. "Instead, you're adding to her problems!"

  "WHAT WERE YOU TWO THINKING?" Laney yelled over the roar of the highway she was probably speeding down. "YOU NEVER DISCUSS YOUR BOSS IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE...WHAT? ARE YOU TALKING TO ME? WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T MAKE A U-TURN HERE?"

  "Laney, we didn't discuss work in front of anyone but Kaitlin," Liz squeaked as Mom glared at her. "Someone must have overheard us fighting that day in her trailer."

  "Please! It's obvious you two haven't been
getting along," Mom snapped hoarsely. "No one had to overhear your con versation to know that."

  "What's going on?" I demanded wearily. The three of them jumped. I don't think any of them realized I was home yet.

  "Well, tell her." Mom folded her arms across her chest and motioned to Nadine and Liz.

  "There's an article about all of us in this week's Hollywood Nation," Nadine said quietly, her eyes on our Italian marble-tiled floor instead of my face.

  "We're so sorry Kates." Liz stepped towards me as Mom smacked the magazine down on the black granite-topped kitchen island. Rodney and I looked at each other and rushed over to read it.

  KAITLIN BURKE'S ASSISTANT BLUES Family Affair star Kaitlin Burke is making enemies even inside her own camp. Sources close to the star, who is currently shooting Hutch Adams's as yet untitled actioner, say her assistants are ready to walk off the job. Just last week, executive assistant Nadine Cobb and re cently hired best pal turned gofer, Liz Mendes, were caught bickering on set over their boss's increasingly outrageous demands. "Liz was saying how over she was of picking up after Kaitlin's wannabe actor/ brother Matthew and Nadine was saying how tired she was of making Starbucks coffee runs three times a day," says the source. The pair reportedly fought over who would have to get Kaitlin's green tea and who would stick around set to have lunch with the star. "By the end of the heated argument, both were saying how much they hate their gigs." Looks like Kaitlin Burke has another war raging--in her own backyard!

  When I finished reading, I was too shocked to say any thing. They would never talk about me to the press. Would they? "I thought we settled this," I said quietly too hurt to be angry.

  "W-we did," Liz stuttered. "Kates, you have to believe me, I mean us." Liz grabbed Nadine's arm in sudden solidarity and the two clung to each other. "We would never say those things. You know why we're fighting."

  "Madison is behind this," Nadine said firmly. "I saw her hanging outside Kaitlin's trailer that afternoon but didn't think anything of it. She must have leaked our fight to the magazine."

  "That's why she asked me if I was getting along with you!" Liz hit her hand against her forehead. "I thought it was weird when she asked me if I ever felt like your intern. I can't believe I trusted her! I feel so stupid. I'm sorry I didn't be lieve you, Kates," Liz added. I just nodded.

  "Laney we have to go after this girl," Nadine pleaded to the phone. "I've been doing some digging the past few days and I'm convinced that Madison is behind all these bad tabloid stories."

  "NADINE, WE CAN DISCUSS THIS LATER," Laney yelled. "A COP IS PULLING ME OVER. THE NERVE! I'LL SEE YOU THERE, KAIT--" The line went dead.

  Mom snatched the magazine from my hands. "I'm not wasting any more time talking about this. Kaitlin and I have to get ready The limo will be here in two hours, right, Nadine?"

  "Yes," Nadine whispered. Mom stomped up the stairs to slip into her pale pink empire gown.

  "I'm sorry we didn't listen to you about Madison. Espe cially me. I can't believe I sided with her over my best friend." Liz looked practically in tears.

  "We're going to prove we didn't do this," Nadine added. "You'll see."

  I wanted to believe they weren't bashing me to the press. But the three of us were the only ones in the room when they had their fight. Mom wasn't forgiving anyone. She didn't talk at all while she got ready. Neither did Matty, who wasn't thrilled about being referred to as a "wannabe actor."

  With everything going on, is it any surprise I forgot the jewels? Thankfully, after the quick detour home, we arrive at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel in less than a half hour, including traffic. I powder my nose to control shine and slip the compact back into my Tod's Girelli pochette. Then I'm ready to hit the red carpet with fellow winner Mina Burrows, escorted by her P.A. boyfriend.

  As Austin and I walk the line together, I can't stop smil ing. Austin may be nervous, but he's acting like a complete pro, steering me through the cameramen and answering questions from the interviewers (I almost fainted when Austin replied that his favorite things about me are my "in ner strength--and killer eyes"). I'm the one having trouble talking to the press! I can't concentrate. All I can think about is the gentle pressure of Austin's hand on the small of my back and the secret wink he gave me when freakishly tall and skinny Larry the Liar asked to take a picture of me solo.

  Before I know it, we're being ushered through the restored lobby of the 1920s hotel and outside past the palm trees to the Tropicana Bar where everyone else, including Laney is waiting. A dozen round tables surround the pool and the low-lit bar area. Each "reserved" table is covered with a taffeta tablecloth in Hollywood Girl's signature color, crimson red. Small votive candles, surrounded by rose petals, light up the appetizer (a walnut and pear salad). Each place set ting has a red brochure, which, as I know from past years as a guest, contains the five winners' pictures along with copies of our profiles from the current issue. At each winner's ta bles, there are poster-size pictures from our articles. In my shot, I'm laughing at the Celebrity Cares Circus, handing out cotton candy to needy kids from the Watts section of LA. I can tell Austin is still nervous hanging with the likes of Scarlett Johansson, so I try to distract him by pointing out hotel landmarks, like the David Hockney mural on the bot tom of the still pool.

  "That's nice, but more importantly, what is this award for?" Austin's eyes twinkle mischievously. He knows as well as I do this is no Oscar.

  "Well, according to Laney, Hollywood Girl looks for stars who are likable, have great projects, and have overcome some sort of obstacle," I explain.

  "You mean like enrolling at a public high school as some one else?" he teases.

  "Yeah, like that." I lightly punch him in the arm and cringe as a flashbulb goes off to capture the moment. We're almost at our table. "It's going to be a long night if they're still fighting," I whisper, referring to the tag team of Mom and Laney versus Nadine and Liz. After the storm I walked into at my house, I quickly called Austin to warn him about the possibly tense evening.

  "They'll be fine." Austin hits the table first and pulls out my chair. "Burke, you're forgetting your own celebrity rules," he whispers in my ear. "Rule number one: When in public, never air your dirty laundry."

  I laugh. "How could I forget?" I say softly as I sink into my cushioned seat at our VIP table.

  "Katie-Kat, finally!" Mom squeals as I place a red silk nap kin in my lap. She looks much happier than she was an hour ago. I'm not sure if that's due to the Chocolate Martini she's sipping or the fact that Liz and Nadine are seated as far away from Mom as possible. "Wait till you hear the amazing news Laney has!"

  "I just got off the phone with Seth," Laney says breath lessly, talking about my agent, Seth. "You've been asked to be the new face of Fever cosmetics!"

  "W-wow," I stammer and grin at Austin. He looks confused. Why am I surprised that he doesn't know his elite and oh-so-expensive ($350 for night cream) cosmetic lines? "Fever is a huge makeup company," I explain. "Hallie Diament did their campaign last year and she had ads in every fashion book, a billboard in Times Square, and a commercial shot by Baz Luhrmann."

  HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER FOURTEEN: Real celebrity en dorsement deals--and I don't mean stars talking about their favorite watch on Ellen in the hopes they'll get a free one delivered to their house the next day--are quite lucra tive. (We're talking seven figures! But you didn't hear that from me. Celebrities never reveal how much a company paid them for advertising gigs.) My mom and Seth have al ways been picky about who they thought was worthy of the "Kaitlin Burke brand," which is why you won't see me hawk ing zit medication anytime soon. But Fever is a no-brainer: classy high-end, and popular. Still, if I sign on, I've got to watch my step. If you're caught using a rival brand's product, or you talk about another brand in a magazine, you can get fired. A supermodel I know got canned from her diet soda contract after she was caught on film sipping the enemy's beverage on three separate occasions. And my friend Gina, who was hired by a brand that's known for their all-
natural soaps, begged a magazine not to reveal that she used a rival body wash on the set of her new movie.

  "So this Fever offer is a good thing, right?" Austin asks.

  "Good?" Laney's smile reveals her recently laser-whitened teeth. "Are you kidding? This is huge!" She clinks martini glasses with my mom. "It certainly will help me spin some positive press for you. The only downside, Kaitlin, is that you have to use your next two days off to shoot their fall ads. And then when the Hutch movie wraps in three weeks, they'll want to shoot a commercial before you start pro duction on FA, which starts up on August twenty-first," Laney adds.

  "That's not a problem," Mom answers for me as a Holly wood Girl editor stops by to steal me away for some pictures.

  Before the main course of roasted chicken with cran berry chutney is served, I pose with Hollywood Girl's editor-in-chief and the publisher, then take a few more shots with the other recipients before my official duties are done. Hollywood Girl doesn't have a formal awards ceremony, but they do hand out little gold statues that look like the Hollywood sign to each of the winners. When I'm finished, I find Liz and Nadine whispering heatedly near the cor ner of the sleek bar. I stop short and eye them both suspiciously.

  "Are you two fighting again?"

  "We're not fighting," Nadine promises.

  "Good. Where's Austin and Matty?" I look across the pool at our semi-empty table where Mom, Dad, and Laney are deep in conversation

  "The bathroom." Liz looks glum. "We want to apologize again for bringing you into the middle of our argument. We should have handled our differences ourselves, which is what we're going to do from now on."

  "Just don't ask us what we're up to, okay?" Nadine adds. "We'd rather you not be implicated if anything were to, say blow up in our faces."

  "Um, okay," I laugh. Frankly I'm just relieved they're speak ing again.

  "Mina Burrows and her boyfriend have to be the cutest couple ever," Liz gushes, changing the subject. The three of us turn to look at Mina and the tall, dark-haired PA. slow dancing. Mina is caressing his hair while he's kissing her neck.