Collapse: The Tale of Waking Marissa

by Jessica L. Gaffney

  She raised her eyebrow. “You didn’t see me in the cafeteria? I walked in with Kirsten.”

  “I didn’t think you were there, Corbin said you went back to your room. I waited outside hoping to catch you.”

  His smile softened her. Why was it that every time he pursued her, something went wrong? Her heart fluttered again. And why was he so good at exposing the parts of her that were so vulnerable?

  Hawke waited for her response. She had already forgotten about the morning assignment and how she reacted. But the paper was in her pocket. That would explain things. “Corbin was right. He gave us this assignment. I just wanted to fill it out when I was alone. That’s all.”

  “Oh. I remember doing that.”

  She smiled. “Yeah. That’s a tough one.”

  Hawke’s words were encouraging. She wanted him to say more. She didn’t know exactly why, but she felt safe near him. Sean didn’t make her feel safe; he made her feel excited but still empty.

  “So everything is good and you’re not wishing you were back in Chatham?”

  Marissa nodded. Of course she didn’t wish she was back there. Hawke was here, in New York.

  She flipped her hair over her shoulder and started to walk up the hallway. “I need a miracle this weekend, really.”

  Hawke took her hand again. “Trust me, you are in the right place.”

  She bit her lip, unsure what was stirring inside her. Whatever was happening, she liked it.

  7 Awkward

  Hawke led Marissa toward the front of the meeting room. “Save me a seat,” he said, ambling towards the stage.

  Before she knew what was happening, the lights dimmed and Corbin hopped up with a guitar strapped around his neck. Three backup singers filed out behind him and each took their microphone off its stand.

  Corbin gave Hawke a nod as he adjusted the drum throne. He tapped his sticks as Marissa stared, shocked. The pressure of sitting up front, the confusion as to why everyone was singing, the embarrassment of not knowing the words and the sheer absurdity made her anger resurface.

  The kids sang loud. Some of them jumped around, others stood there stoic like her. The music was Christian, a weird version of rock with pansy lyrics. She found it funny that they were even singing about God. And why were they doing it like he was listening? He didn’t care. All was not forgiven by saying some special prayer or rosary.

  God had made it very clear to her that she was being punished. She knew he hated sin, and she had committed plenty in her eighteen years. The best thing she could do for God was stay away.

  The kids were halfway through their fourth song before Marissa pried her fingers from the chair. This singing stuff wasn’t what she signed up for. The other kids seemed okay with it, but it was not normal to sing to something you couldn’t see. Sure, the words were poetic and beautiful, but they were also strange and began to rub her the wrong way.

  She crossed her arms as Hawke tried to keep eye contact from behind the drum cage. His eyes were gentle and understanding so she focused on him. He would understand what she was talking about. He was playing the drums because it was a gig. She knew he’d agree that these people were crazy.

  Marissa loved to sing just as much as the next person. But she did it in the privacy of the shower or in her car, when no one was looking. There was no way she would sing these songs.

  She studied the words that flashed up on a screen above the band. There was a background which mirrored the theme of the song but each song said the same thing. They spoke of a life that was buried at the cross. How was that even possible? What did it mean? Another verse used the term, “joy unspeakable.” Was that even English? Oh and how about a love that is everlasting, when all else fails? She could prove that one wrong.

  These songs referenced God as some patriarchal father. That was ridiculous. How could God love people when they couldn’t see him, hear him or feel him? Marissa didn’t think God loved anyone. She might have been taught that as a child but it was a lie.

  Her mind wandered again. Love was something Marissa wanted. All she knew was that love was wonderful and then it left. And living without it was unbearable.

  The next song lulled into a quiet serenade. The soft words painted a picture of a beautiful, eternal gift. Stephanie raised her hand during that song. Marissa snickered. Who was going to answer her question? Then another girl lifted her hand, as did Kirsten.

  Marissa glanced at Hawke, hoping he would be able to explain, but he drew the sticks to his lap and closed his eyes. The song slowed and the music repeated. There was a hush in the room.

  She closed her eyes hoping to see what everyone else seemed to be looking at. But all she saw was black. Just before she opened her eyes to again declare that they were crazy, a wave of unbridled heat crept over her shoulders. It spread down her back like warm milk.

  Marissa heard Rod’s voice as he asked everyone to bow their heads. “Just let Him speak to you.”

  His tone was soft and gracious but Marissa still believed they were crazy. She felt the heat, but hearing God, that was lunacy.

  ~~~

  Everywhere Marissa turned, Stephanie seemed to be watching. It got creepy until she realized that hanging with Hawke had its benefits. It rattled Stephanie to the core. Exes were always jealous, so why not play into that?

  After the morning session, Corbin summoned the kids to get ideas for the talent contest. Stephanie proposed a skit that actually sounded funny. Not that Marissa voted for it. The skit would center on the pastor and his quirks. Her idea won the vote 6-2.

  Corbin stayed out of the voting process but did assure the group that Stephanie’s idea would bring the audience to their knees. And everyone knew the funny skit would win. Of course, Marissa wanted it to backfire. That would be the icing on the cake.

  Stephanie was an absolute slave driver. She divided the group into two teams and directed the first to search for props, while the second wrote the script. There were to be six roles, leaving one opening for a stage manager and the other for a sub. The only problem was, no one wanted to play the part of Rod.

  When the group split, Marissa snuck over to the main lodge under the guise of searching for props. Right now her life was in turmoil. Her heart had been tossed about since she left Chatham. And even though she loved being away from the twins, they did provide a convenient distraction any time of day. She could always abandon her depressed mood by playing kitchen or making castles out of couch cushions.

  It was no secret that her mother wanted a break from her. She was quite clear that the reason she paid for the ski trip was to get her moody, ungrateful, depressed daughter out of the house where she could get her mind off herself and onto something productive.

  The past months had been strained. While she was dating Sean she kept herself busy afterschool, working and with hobbies. But not this year; she quit everything. Her mom was pissed. First came the silent treatment. Then it turned to emotional separation, her other stopped including her on family activities. Household duties became rituals and now she didn’t even ask Marissa to babysit.

  Offended by the whole ordeal, Marissa was seething inside. She barely spoke to her mother since Christmas. Her mother even tried to ship her back to Connecticut to stay with her aunt. But she wouldn’t leave, not with the possibility of Sean returning.

  She had thought about it, though she’d realize how pathetic that sounded. If he missed her, he would have called. Besides, who wants to date a girl that sits at home pining over him? Not a single one. All the magazines and social clips say, it is better to be chased than to chase.

  She looked at the towering pines lining the property. The slope beyond the driveway curved into a small valley where the summer festivities took place. Campo Station sported a sledding hill, a baseball field, and a skate shop, but in this cold, the only thing she wished for was a nice cup of hot cocoa and a budding prince to wrap his arm around her.

  Some of that wish was spoiled at Christmas. Marissa had her hop
es set on Sean returning to Chatham for the holiday. Imagine his parents’ surprise when he skipped out on that. Marissa had kept her head up, assuming he would be home for New Year’s, but even that came and went. Rather than sit home idly, she applied for a job at the mall. It wasn’t glamorous but it did get her out of the house. It turns out folding clothes and restocking items wasn’t her thing; she quit a month later.

  Fashion was her newest venture. She’d been searching online for some design schools. The Art Institute in California seemed interesting. In fact, it was the only exciting thing in her life, outside of reuniting with Hawke. At least he treated her well, but even then she was mad at him for not being the outcast. And why did she want him to be a rebel anyway? Didn’t she have enough trouble with her own past?

  Wouldn’t it be nice to settle down with a guy who had no baggage? She was about to say yes when she remembered Stephanie. Hawke’s baggage was all around him. Still, how long had it been since she snuggled up with someone other than Sean? She hadn’t shared thoughts about boys or her personal life in a long time. In fact all of high school was spent dating Sean, and what did she have to show for it? If she didn’t do something to change it now, it would all be over.

  She managed to walk around the main building to the far back door. She wanted to remain out of sight for as long as possible. As the door shut behind her, she unzipped her coat. The downstairs was cozy and eclectic, reminiscent of the old west. She noticed that another church group had arrived that morning. There was no escaping the thunderous claps overhead. She wished her group had been having fun like that.

  Marissa traipsed up the hall with her eyes roaming the walls. She needed a little reprieve from all this thinking. The restroom was the perfect spot. She didn’t bother with the overhead light; the windows above the stalls were enough. When the door closed behind her, a poster floated down to her feet. It settled on her shoes like a feather from heaven.

  She stared at the fancy fonts covering the page. The photo was a likeness of the mountains she saw that morning.

  “The heavens declare the glory of God and the sky foretells the work of His hands. Day to day it pours forth speech and the night sky speaks of His wonderful name.”

  She understood its meaning. Where did all this beauty come from? How could it be just an accident? Believing there was no creator, or no master plan, was depressing. Sure, it alleviated the problem of why bad things happen. But it also put anxiety in her heart to believe that life was random and she had no control.

  She picked up the picture and realized why she had escaped to the main lodge. She wanted to stare at the view from the dining room. That would explain things to her.

  She trudged up the steps in her Madden clogs. There was still an hour before lunch, giving her time to just sit and think.

  Peeling a cup from the stack beside the juice maker, Marissa filled it with ice. Without warning an avalanche of frozen water shot into her cup and spilled over her hand. She grabbed a towel off a nearby table and lapped up the mess.

  “Marissa, have you seen Evan or Burton?” She looked up to see Jedd with one girl latched onto each arm.

  She wiped the water off and tossed the towel back to the table. “Nope. And I don’t want to either.”

  Jedd left as she eased closer to the window. This place was pretty amazing when you had the time to just stop and think. She set her mug down on the windowsill and studied the endless treetops. The snow weighed down some branches while others bounced in the reckless wind.

  She cradled the mug in her hands and brought it to her lips. “Maybe if I were a tree, life would be easier.” She stood in awe. The landscape was so peaceful, so harmonious.

  The chatter of passersby drew her attention. She glanced down to see Stephanie and Evan heading toward the Little Lodge. Evan stood behind her as she prattled on and on, waving her hand like a baton. Evan scooped her backside with his hand and she stopped.

  “Ew.”

  “Are you spying?” Hawke’s voice boomed in the empty room.

  Marissa jumped. “I am…” she pressed on her lungs, and set down her mug. Turning around she saw Hawke meandering toward her. “I am not spying.”

  “Then what are you doing?’ He crossed the room and slid one leg over the table. “What was that noise all about?”

  She did not reply.

  “What? Are you ignoring me now?”

  “Maybe I am, or maybe I’m not.” She hiccupped and her cheeks flushed.

  He dropped his book bag to the floor. “Well, something’s wrong.”

  She could feel the heat rising in her veins. Why did he do this? Why did he push her to a point where she wanted to erupt? She didn’t want to argue. She didn’t want to talk, but here he was, pushing her. “Look,” she inched toward the window, “I came in here to be alone. You’re kind of ruining it.”

  “Is that your idea of being a friend? That I should recognize you’re upset, show concern and then leave you to deal with it, alone?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “You’re gritting your teeth, look at you.”

  She turned to face him. She could tell by the stubborn grin on his face that Hawke was not moving. “I was just admiring the view but then Evan and Stephanie walked by. He had his grimy mitts all over her. It grossed me out.”

  She shivered for effect and Hawke folded his arms. “You are adorable.”

  She cracked a smile.

  “Well, if Evan is your biggest worry, I’d say you were doing okay.”

  She crossed her arms and looked away. “You’re weirding me out today.”

  “Why is that?”

  She put down her cup and turned to face him. “I saw you up there, with your hands raised. You can’t make a fool out of me. I told you I don’t want any part of this God crap.”

  “Sorry, but I’m not following. Explain yourself.”

  Now she was fuming. Was he serious? Or was he baiting her? “You know what? You’re all crazy! You, Corbin, Rod, all of you.”

  “We’re crazy? And why is that? Marissa, we just know something you don’t. You shouldn’t be so quick to judge.”

  She dug her heels into the carpet and resisted the urge to explain.

  “Say it. Why am I crazy?”

  She blurted it out. “Because you stand up there acting all mighty and stuck on yourself, and I know what you’ve done. Sean told me everything you did at the frat. Everything.”

  “So Sean’s a part of this now? Where is all this coming from?”

  “I am not going to be some girl you sleep with and forget about.”

  She blushed. Did she just say that? Out loud?

  Hawke jerked his head. “What?”

  She took a deep breath and felt the tears forming in her eyes. “I remember everything he said about you, how you were peddling drugs through the sorority and sleeping with every girl there who could and couldn’t pay you. He said you were dirty and that you use people. And I’m not falling for that.”

  “Marissa. What in the world are you talking about?”

  Her sides hurt from spewing such foolishness. She was falling for him, just like that morning in the frat. It had to stop. She wanted it to stop.

  Hawke walked passed her and traced the rim of the window with his thumb. She stared at his strong hands and baggy pants, and the silence fell like a tarp over the room. How many times had she done something similar? She ran her mouth at home, devastating her mother and scaring the twins. And now Hawke? Why did she say that? Why couldn’t she keep her thoughts inside?

  She stared at the worn pockets of his jeans and his broad shoulders. “Hawke.” She spoke softly waiting for his reply.

  He didn’t.

  Something in her wanted to comfort him. Why had she lashed out when all she wanted to do was jump in his arms the second she saw him? She dreamt of holding him, smelling his neck and touching his hair. She wanted to feel him beside her. But she was lost in the pain she had inflicted.

  He was none of the th
ings Sean had told her. Sean may have said he did them, but this boy had a heart of gold and she saw that now. She had seen it all along.

  Hawke straightened his back and put both hands on the window. “Those things are true, Marissa. But I am not like that anymore. I was a different person, a very hurt person. Which is why I believe in God now.”

  He turned around to face her. His eyes were red and he looked feverish. “When I first came to St. Steven’s I knew people would talk about me, but I didn’t care.” He slid his hands in his pockets. “I had done everything I was accused of. I had no intentions of making my life better, I only wanted to bide my time and get my life back together. And you should do the same.”

  Marissa froze. She didn’t need God. She didn’t even want him. Sure she begged here and there for something, like the night in the parking lot when Evan was bothering her. But she didn’t need him. She didn’t need anyone.

  8 Importance of Paper

  Back in her room, Marissa collapsed onto her bed and turned toward the wall. Tears streamed down her face and soaked her pillow as she curled into a ball. Her confession to Hawke was both liberating and terrifying. She’d told him she wanted to take a quick rest but at this rate she was afraid she would be bawling even when he returned.

  The sadness she’d held at bay for so long settled in. Suddenly she was back in Chatham, the night everything happened. As planned, she and Sean spent the evening at the Hilton hotel for their three-year anniversary. The next day he was leaving for tryouts up in New York. If he made the team, he would quit school and move her up there after Christmas. She’d finish her last semester of high school as Mrs. Sean Moffit.

  Sean’s prom had been in the same hotel they visited that night. She bought a simple dress from a local boutique and admired her new figure. She’d gained some weight in certain places but it made her even more womanly for seventeen.

  Wearing a sport coat and new shoes Sean appeared at her door, slipping a dozen roses into her hand. He wasn’t the most original guy, but he was a gentleman on most occasions. For the past two years of their relationship they had seen each other twice a month, with the exception of holidays and the summer.