Collapse: The Tale of Waking Marissa

by Jessica L. Gaffney

  “Hawke, they are so beautiful.” It had been forever since she’d received flowers— and not the usual roses. These were gorgeous wild flowers.

  His eyes danced as he watched her reaction. “I know it’s kind of corny, but there’s one flower for each month I’ve been thinking about you.”

  Her heart blossomed at the thought. She wanted to kiss him, there in public. She stepped closer and reached up to touch his hair. “You are so sweet.”

  He placed his hands on her hips and lowered his head.

  The bathroom door slammed behind them. Marissa didn’t think twice about it but Hawke stood up and cleared his throat.

  Stephanie stood there, her arms shaking and her mouth open. Had she been standing there the whole time?

  The girl lunged back into the bathroom and Marissa gasped. “Stephanie, wait.” She pressed the flowers into Hawke’s chest and charged after her. “Stephanie!”

  She followed her into the bathroom. Heads were turning as they stormed inside. Stephanie ran into the only available stall.

  Marissa rapped her knuckles on the door. “Stephanie, come on. You’re overdoing it, don’t you think?”

  “Go away. You’ve done enough damage.”

  Marissa remembered the techniques her therapist gave her. She felt the tension in her hands and neck. Her anger was beginning to rise. She stepped back, breathed deeply, and tried to think of what to say to diffuse the situation. Marissa closed her eyes and loosened her hands. Stephanie was hurting and if there was an emotion she understood, pain was it. She opened her eyes again, smile sincerely and assured Stephanie she was not leaving until they talked.

  “I’m not talking to you,” she seethed.

  Marissa heard the roll of toilet paper turn over and over as she pulled it from inside. “All you’ve done is cause trouble.”

  Marissa backed up to the row of sinks. “Me? You’re the one who’s causing it.”

  She was sure the girl was crying. “You know what? If you want Hawke to cheat on you and ruin your life, then go ahead. Have a blast.”

  It may not have happened to Marissa, but girls were always locking themselves in the bathroom during class. It seemed like once a week some girl saw her boyfriend cheat, or found out that he cheated, or sometimes just dumped her in front of the whole school. She was lucky enough to have avoided those days but Stephanie was reacting like one of those girls.

  Marissa folded her arms and hung her head. This wouldn’t be easy for her to say, but she felt compelled to explain. “I showed up on this trip as a last resort. I didn’t come here to find Hawke, nor did I even know he was here. And whatever happened with you two, it has nothing to do with me.”

  Stephanie yelled until her scream turned into terror. “I hate him!”

  Hawke rapped on the door and stuck his head in. “Are you girls all right?”

  “We’re fine!” they both shouted.

  Marissa felt her lips quiver. “Did you ever think that I need him, the same way you did? Have you even considered that maybe I’m the one who needed this trip just to keep me going?”

  “You don’t know anything!”

  It was dawning on her that Stephanie really was in love with Hawke. And he didn’t love her back. Marissa began to put the pieces together: Stephanie was probably a virgin before she met Hawke. He saw her as just another toy, the way most boys do. Marissa had happened to be the right girl two times in a row, unless she was wrong now.

  “No, you don’t know him like I do.”

  Marissa folded her arms and paced outside the stall.

  “Stephanie, I lost my father and a baby. I do know a lot about heartache. My ex left town and hasn’t even called to tell me where he is. So, yeah. I do know how you are feeling.”

  Stephanie unlatched the lock. Her jaw trembled as tears spilled down her cheeks. “Oh Marissa, I am so sorry.”

  She opened her harms to hug Marissa but now she was feeling vulnerable. Why did she tell her all that stuff?

  As Stephanie’s arms opened, she felt a wave of guilt peel off her shoulders. She pushed back the tears and smiled.

  “I’m sorry you went through so much with Hawke,” Marissa said. It must have been awful to be so close to him and yet watch him fall into drugs.”

  Stephanie wiped her nose. “It was awful, watching him get high and try to break free.” She swallowed and continued. “He was slipping away and I couldn’t help him.” She sat back down on the toilet. “He pushed me away. We were getting close, I’d say friends even, but then something happened and he snapped. I’ve chased him ever since.”

  She looked Marissa in the eye. “I tried to forget him, I really did. But then he’d come around the corner at church or we’d meet up in the doorway. My heart would break all over again.”

  Marissa listened intently as Stephanie went on. “Then this group of girls started coming. Some of them knew him from his GED course. They were older and really provocative. One day Hawke had a hickey on him. And when I asked him about it, he told me he didn’t even realize it was there. But it was too late.” She started to cry. “I already gave myself to him.”

  Marissa didn’t want to hear the details. She had already decided not to compare her past with Hawke’s. It was girls like Stephanie that made that process so hard. Hawke hurt her; she couldn’t deny that, but Stephanie held on to a runaway train.

  Regardless of her opinion, the reason Stephanie took the drawing was now obvious. She just wanted something that was his, something to make her feel close to him again.

  Stephanie fanned her face. “We haven’t talked in over a year. Then he finds me outside the lodge with Evan, and pulls me inside to ask about your picture. I thought I was going to die.”

  Her eyes started to water. “Then Evan got mad, wanting to know why I would even touch something that belonged to Hawke. It was a mess.”

  She blew her nose and kept talking. “I don’t even know what’s going on with Evan and him. They used to be friends. Then one night last summer we saw Hawke down by the lake. Evan wanted to talk to him alone, so I waited by the car. But he didn’t come back.”

  I hopped a ride home with a friend and Evan showed up at my house later that night, screaming like a madman. He said Hawke stole his wallet and he went after him. His face was all bloody when he came home.”

  “It was just a nose bleed, right? Hawke wouldn’t hit him.”

  Stephanie shrugged. “I don’t know what happened. But they’ve been enemies ever since.”

  The noise above sounded like a stampede. Dinner let out and a new corral of girls swarmed into the bathroom.

  Stephanie pulled Marissa up and gave her a hug. “Please don’t repeat this to Hawke. And don’t say anything to Kirsten. I’m afraid she’s already disappointed in me.”

  “I won’t.”

  The girls locked pinkies and glanced at each other in the mirror. “We look terrible.”

  Marissa shrugged it off. “It’s better to be real though, right?”

  Stephanie walked away from the door. “Yeah, right.”

  Marissa nodded and then opened the door. She knew she’d have to tell Hawke. But she would wait until the time was right.

  Hawke was outside pacing. Marissa walked toward him, his eyes steady on her. “I’m guessing you two had a heart to heart?”

  Stephanie’s smile was the first sign of a truce. “We did.”

  Hawke held out a single flower and gave it to Stephanie. She stared at it and looked up at him. He met her trusting eyes. “I hope Evan won’t mind, but I wanted to brighten your day.”

  She brushed the petals under her nose. “Thank you. It means a lot.”

  He cupped his hand over Marissa’s shoulder. “You’re welcome. And for the record, I shouldn’t have avoided you this past year. I want to apologize.”

  The meaning behind Stephanie’s smile was undeniable. “Apology accepted.”

  With a quick squeeze of Hawke’s arm she looked back at Marissa. “You take care of him, you h
ear?”

  Marissa nuzzled close to the boy beside her. “I will.” She slid her arms around his back and winked up at him. “And that’s a promise.”

  16 Confession

  Hawke sat next to Marissa as the other church group joined St. Steven’s for the annual talent show. Dressed as cheerleaders, Evan and Jedd strolled out on stage for the opening act and the laughter soon began. Skit after skit, people performed routines, comedy, magic tricks, and lip-syncing. Then it was their turn.

  Corbin met the group backstage and gave Hawke a jacket from Rod’s room. Hawke was so nervous his hands shook as he put it on.

  “All right people, this is it.” Stephanie looked each member in the eye. “Take your time. Don’t speak your line until it’s time. If you forget, just improvise.”

  They were about to put their hands together like a team in a huddle when Rod grabbed the microphone and announced the last performance. Burton looked terrified. “I can’t do this. I can’t get up there.”

  Stephanie poked his shoulder. “Sure you can. Just act like Jedd and you’ll be fine.”

  He laughed a bit and his face relaxed.

  The lights went out as everyone took their place. Then the spotlight went on. Marissa checked her footing. Was she in the right spot?

  “Rodney, Rodney dear, are you still in the bathroom?”

  The kids roared as the actors chided Pastor Rod about his lengthy visits to the men’s room. Burton was dolled up with rosy-red cheeks and Vaseline-greased hair. With a can of Lysol in hand, he strolled out on stage. “He’s out, Mom.”

  The staff members in the front row were in tears over the crude but truthful jokes. Marissa sputtered her lines with a fake cough caused by an overdose of Lysol. That was Hawke’s cue. He tugged at the jacket and strolled out with a newspaper in hand.

  “Good morning, dear.” The room fell silent as Hawke sat down.

  “What’s your sermon about today, dear?”

  He pulled two phone books out from beneath a chair and said he was speaking on what goes in a man comes out the other end. Again the crowd chuckled. Then the doorbell rang, and Burton opened it. On the other side was a younger version of Stephanie who pretended to be Rod’s oldest daughter. “Hey, Mom. I’m back from the store.”

  She wheeled in a wagon full of Lysol and stacks of commercial toilet paper borrowed from the lodge. The crowd roared as the other kids rang a pretend doorbell. “Excuse us. Is this the Rodney household?”

  “Yes it is.” Marissa curtsied in her apron.

  Flashing badges, the team of Blue’s Brothers characters marched into the house. “Ma’am, we’re investigating a shortage of Lysol in the area, and our research concludes that this residence and the place of your husband’s work seem to be the headquarters of this product.” They saw the phonebooks—the pretend Bibles — sprawled out on the table and asked Hawke if he had any comment.

  “Lysol, huh?” Hawke made up his own line. “Well, you may know my wife here took cooking lessons from the lodge’s kitchen. You ever eaten there?”

  “Is that the place up near the pond and tubing hill?”

  “Why, yes it is,” he replied.

  “We understand, sir. No further investigation is needed.”

  The crowd applauded when the troupe exited the stage. Rod took a bow as the inspiration of the piece. As the lights came up, the group returned to their seats. Each team was voted on by applause. Evan and Jedd drew many cheers, but the team who pulled a prank on the pastor won, fair and square.

  Burton gave Hawke a high five and the other boys followed suit. Stephanie and Marissa hugged in the excitement, and Stephanie thanked Hawke for helping.

  The sentiments were cut short as Rod took the stage. “I hope you all had a wonderful day. I know many of you are tired and banged up from skiing, but let’s stand one more time and give God our thanks and praise.”

  Hawke headed for the drums and the lights dimmed. This time the music made sense to Marissa. The kids sang, “I am a friend of God,” something she could understand. The song was simple, a beat you could almost dance to. Imagine that: dancing in church!

  With one hand placed over her heart, Marissa began to picture the beautiful creation that surrounded her. The way the mountains swept down to the earth, and how God covered it with snow. Then the snow would melt and assist nature in the spring by replenishing the water tables and giving life to the creatures that lived within its reach. It was more than just a coincidence. It was mastery.

  With her eyes closed and her hand on the chair in front of her, she listened to the next song. You came from Heaven to earth, to show the way, from the earth to the cross, our debt to pay. From the cross to the grave, from the grave to the sky, Lord I lift Your name on high.

  Two other songs followed. The slow beat of the drums and the strum of Rod’s guitar resounded. There was a stillness that lingered. Marissa asked God to surround her. She pictured these warm, loving arms reaching around her. In an instant the shudder of His presence ran through her body.

  Rod spoke softly, encouraging those who needed a touch from God, but felt unlovable or unworthy. He listed the reasons that could keep someone from God—reasons like too much bad had happened, or that trusting in God was too hard. He asked people who had those thoughts to join him up front.

  The music continued. Marissa gave into the feeling that someone was beside her. She let her imagination take over. Could that someone be Jesus? She wanted it to be Him.

  What did He look like? Was He happy to see her?

  The man she envisioned was now holding out His hand, waiting for her to take His invitation. She stretched out her hand as if touching Him would make her crumble. But rather than feeling broken, she sensed overwhelming peace. The wholeness of being with Him enshrouded her as she swayed back and forth.

  She forgot about Hawke, the ski trip and her father, envisioning herself wearing a beautiful, flowing white dress. Her feet were bare and her steps gentle as she walked along a pristine and bright-colored path. She was happier than she could remember. The sun was high, watching over the people below. She passed them one by one, young and old, each in perfect form and health.

  There was a light in the distance, but she could not make it out. The trees alongside her were swaying in the breeze, and she saw a swing held up by a brilliant rope. Without needing to walk to it, she just thought of it and was suddenly there.

  The serenity that surrounded Marissa was heavenly. As she climbed on the swing, her legs dangled over the grass as the gentle kiss of its silky tips tickled the backs of her feet. She swayed over the ground as if she were flying. Her hands wrapped loosely around the braided cord bathed in sunlight.

  She relaxed into the vision, extending her arms. Her hair brushed against the peaceful greens as she soared above the ground. Her heart raced again, the way it did as a child, the way all children feel when they run and sprint and push themselves to the limit. She was in utter ecstasy, allowing her whole heart and body to be free.

  Her understanding in that moment was that the swing was a gift from God, a symbol of his protection and love. This was a gift she truly needed and wanted to embrace -- and only needed to receive. The reality of the vision overtook her. It was as real as anything in front of her. Time and space had no effect on her. She didn’t notice when the music stopped.

  Marissa opened her eyes slowly, unaware that nine or ten teenagers were clinging to the arms of a chaperone or lying on the floor. Her legs felt weak and she plopped into her seat. Her heart pounded as a girl came forward from the back of the room.

  Rod made another invitation. “Come. Any of you who are stuck with anger toward somebody, or who are at a loss from a parent or loved one who betrayed you, hurt you, abandoned you. Come up here and get that hole in your heart sealed by Jesus. He is longing to meet with you.”

  Marissa felt a prick on the back of her neck that told her she should go, too. She watched closely as Jedd and Evan snickered at Burton as he passed them by. S
he knew they were too proud to go forward, but the ones who went were the ones with courage.

  Rod’s words pulled her from her sorrow. “Only a fool believes he can manage on his own. It’s always okay to admit we need help. The Bible says when we ask for help it shows our strength. It takes courage to come up here.” The gullible seemed to get what they need. And Marissa needed a great deal.

  The kids who went forward abandoned their façade and met God face to face. In front of a room full of people, they seemed unaware of who was around them. She studied his smile as Burton stood before Corbin, his arms heavy on the boy’s shoulders. With no understanding of how it was happening, she knew people were leaving their burdens at the foot of the stage.

  She wanted to do the same. If love was available she wanted it. If freedom from the memories of Sean and the loss of her father was obtainable, she longed to have it. If knowing that one day she would see her father again, and that all of life would make sense again— she wanted that too.

  She looked at her own hands and doubted that possibility. Could it happen? Could she leave this retreat with a new part of herself just emerging? Could she manage without the reminders and pain? She witnessed how love enveloped those who dared to leave their seats. Burton was up there becoming a man instead of caring about the opinion of his friends. Girls she knew from junior high were clinging to the chaperone and bawling as if they had just had their hearts broken.

  She had never seen anything like it. People were still going forward and breaking down as they neared the stage. Some blubbered, some bent forward in pain and other kids knelt down. Only then did Marissa realize she was not the only one in need. Marissa slipped off her chair. “God, I realize that I need you. That you can make my life better and happier, and you can make me smarter and make me whole.” She paused and struggled for the words.

  “I hate the way I feel, which is empty and often angry. I need you. I need you to end my sadness and take away my painful memories. Protect me because I can’t do it myself. I know you sent Jesus to die for me, so I could always be with You. And I don’t want to be separated from You anymore.”