Elephant in the Sky

by Heather A. Clark

  “Mommy? How come they don’t crash into Earth?” Nate asked.

  It was another good question, and I wasn’t sure I even knew the answer. As an arts major, science wasn’t exactly my forte. “Hmmm … I’m not really sure, to tell you the truth. But we could look it up tomorrow and find out together. What do you think?”

  “That would be good. I like finding things out together.”

  “Me too, Bean.” I pulled him closer. Squeezed him tighter.

  “Mommy? Will we always be together?” Nate had asked. He sat up and I could barely make him out, peering at me through the dark. My heart melted.

  “We’ll be together lots, Bean. As much as possible. But sometimes we might be apart from each other. Just for a little while.”

  “Like when?”

  “Well, like when you’re at school and I’m at work, for example.” I paused, watching Nate’s reaction. “Or, when you get older, and you might want to go for a sleepover at a friend’s house, or at Cub Camp. Wouldn’t that be fun?”

  “Nah … I don’t want to sleep over anywhere. I want to stay with you.” Nate lay back down, returning to our snuggly position.

  “You might not always feel that way, Bean. But I’ll tell you what. You see that moon up there? That really big, crater-filled moon? Well, I happen to know that no matter where you are … or where I am … that moon will always be in the night sky. So if you’re ever lonely, or not with me for whatever reason, just … look up. Find the moon, and know that I’m looking at that same moon, and thinking of you.”

  “Okay, Mommy …” Nate’s voice trailed off and I knew he was getting sleepy.

  I sat up and gently carried my son to the warmly lit cottage to tuck him into bed. I kissed his forehead good night. When I turned off the light in the room he was sleeping in, the bright glow from the full moon outside filled the room. It shone directly over of the cottage, its light streaming through the open window of the bedroom. As I stood in the doorway, watching Nate sleep in the cozy moonlight, my soul filled with warmth and peace.

  Years later, sitting in the back of the chilly cop car, peering out the window into the cold, dark night and looking for my lost son, I couldn’t have been further from what I felt that night. But one thing was the same. That full, crater-filled moon high in the sky.

  I glanced up, taking in the shadowy glow of the moon and thought of Nate. My son. My baby. I watched the moon’s shine play peek-a-boo with me through the dark clouds surrounding it. Like it was teasing me, just to see if I’d keep watching.

  I held my glance, staring at that moon, and wondered if Nate, wherever he was, was looking at it too, and thinking of me.

  31

  We continued to circle the city, but Nate was nowhere. And we weren’t finding any clues as to his whereabouts. We showed his picture to anyone we saw. But in the wee hours of the morning, most people were at home, sleeping soundly. At first, I had gone with them, but I knew they thought I was too anxious. Too forceful in my approach, and it wasn’t helping anyone. Instead, they’d asked me to stay in the car while they approached people with Nate’s most recent picture. In the meantime, I frantically called every person I could think of.

  As I waited for the officers to finish talking to a group of teenagers who were hanging out at a park, Constable Baker’s words raced through my mind.

  “Mrs. Carter? Is there a chance Nate might hurt himself or someone else?”

  I shuddered. No matter how hard I tried to get the words out of my mind, I heard Constable Matthews’s voice over and over and over. The recurring words intensified my panic.

  The police officers returned to the car, jerking open the door and snapping me back to reality. “Did you find anything out?” I asked anxiously. I felt as though I’d asked the question a hundred times that night.

  “I’m afraid not. Although we did scare the pants off them with a warning about drinking underage,” Constable Matthews answered. “I bet they’re barely sixteen. I always wonder … where the hell are their parents?”

  “Do you need to take them home?” I asked weakly. I needed them to keep looking for Nate, but was empathetic for the kids’ parents. I imagined their mother pacing at home and worried about her own children.

  “No, no … we gave them a serious warning and told them to head home. They seemed to be scared enough to just do it. We’re committed to finding Nate, Mrs. Carter. The whole department is doing everything possible to find your son.”

  “I’m really grateful for that. Pete and I … we’re so scared.” The fresh tears I expected did not come, and I wondered if I had literally cried myself out of them. “And please, call me Ashley. I should have told you that hours ago.”

  “Okay, then. We’ll do that. Do you need anything, Ashley? Water? Coffee?” Constable Baker asked.

  “No. I just want to keep going. I need to find him.”

  Just then, my phone rang. It was Tay.

  “Tay! Have you heard anything?” I asked frantically.

  “No, hon. I’m sorry. I was just calling to check in and see how you are. And to see if you’ve found him yet.”

  “No, we haven’t. And I’m so scared.” The tears returned. Tay’s voice sounded like home, and it made me even sadder.

  “I know, sweetie. I know …”

  “How’s Grace?” I asked. “Is she freaking out?”

  “She was, but she’s finally fallen asleep. We had hot chocolate to try to make her feel better, and she’s sleeping with Julia.” Tay’s voice was smooth. Somehow calming. “And Braeden’s out looking for Nate as we speak. We rallied a group of people, and they’re all out looking for him. We’ll find him, Ash. You need to keep believing that.”

  “They’re all out looking for him?” Gratitude flooded through me. We needed all the help we could get.

  “Yes. Almost everyone you and I called. There have to be twenty of them, at least. We’re all here for you, sweetie. There are a lot of people looking for Nate. We’ll find him soon.”

  I tried to believe Tay. I knew she was right. I needed to remain positive. I had to have faith. Nate needed me to never give up, and I wouldn’t. I couldn’t.

  After I’d hung up the phone, I called Pete to let him know that a neighbourhood search team had been championed by Braeden.

  “I need to join them, Ash. I’m going crazy here waiting. I can’t do it for one minute more.”

  “Yes, you can. You have to. What if Nate goes home? Pete, you don’t have a choice.”

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right …” Pete’s voice trailed off.

  “Why don’t you call your sister? Maybe Kaitlyn could keep you company over the phone while you wait,” I suggested. “Have you called her yet?”

  “No. I don’t want to bug her this late. Besides, there’s nothing she can do and I don’t want to alarm her.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. She’s your sister. Of course she’d want you to call her. Just do it. Please. It will make me feel better knowing that you aren’t going crazy by yourself over there.”

  I paused at my choice of words. They stung once I heard them out loud, suddenly sounding clichéd and horrible. I’d never stopped to think of them in that way, but the phrase “going crazy” suddenly hit way too close to home. Not only because of the possibility of what Nate was going through, but also because of my father.

  I pushed the thoughts of my father from my mind. I forced myself to think of Nate. To focus on my son so we could bring him home.

  At two o’clock in the morning, we stopped by the mobile command post that had been set up. It looked like a large motor home, but the inside was filled with cops, computers, and coffee.

  “Are you Mrs. Carter?” a friendly man asked when we walked inside.

  I nodded.

  “I’m Oliver … the search commander assigned to Nate’s case. We’re doing everything we ca
n to find him.”

  “Thank you.” I tried to smile at him but couldn’t muster up the energy.

  “And I’ve got good news for you. We just got a great lead. We recently found out that Nate was at a pool hall about two hours ago. One of the patrons had seen him, and took pity on him after he’d left. We’ve searched the entire pool hall from top to bottom, and Nate is no longer there, I’m afraid. But we’re close. And we aren’t stopping tonight until we find him.”

  “A pool hall? Which one?” While I was shocked that my nine-year-old son was at a pool hall by himself, the flood of hope that shot through my veins trumped all other feelings. My son was still alive two hours ago. It had to be a good sign.

  “Ian’s Billiards,” Oliver responded.

  “Ian’s Billiards? Isn’t that … isn’t that really far from our house?”

  “Yes. Very far. We’re not sure how he made it there, but the patron’s description matched him perfectly. I had two officers pay him a visit at home with Nate’s picture, and he confirmed that it was Nate he saw.”

  “Why wouldn’t he help him?” I cried. “Why did he wait to call?”

  “We don’t know for sure. We suspect he was doing something illegal himself and was likely afraid of bringing attention to himself. Turns out he had a guilty conscience, though, which is good for us. It’s our best lead yet, and we know he’s still around here.”

  “Still around here?” I asked. Was the search commander talking about … kidnapping? He couldn’t be. Not Nate.

  Oh God. Please, please … not Nate. Please, God, keep him safe. He’s just a little boy.

  “We’re going to keep going. We’re searching all around the pool hall, Mrs. Carter. We’ve got cops going up and down streets, knocking on doors and asking for any clue that might find him.”

  I nodded and looked around for a chair. I was beginning to feel faint.

  “Here, Mrs. Carter. Why don’t you sit down?” Oliver grabbed a folding chair from one of the desks, and gently guided me into it.

  “You need some rest, Ashley. Why don’t you let us take you home?” Constable Matthews asked. “You can be with your husband, and we’ll update you the minute we have any more information about your son.”

  “No. I’m not doing that,” I replied, more forcefully than I intended. Taking a deep breath, I continued gently, “I’m sorry … I know you’re looking out for me. But I won’t go home. I need to stay out. For Nate. No matter what, I will not give up on my son. I just can’t.”

  Constable Matthews nodded, looking at me sympathetically, and I knew she understood. I wondered if she had children of her own. And what she might be thinking or feeling to witness another mother looking for her child.

  “Why don’t you call your husband to let him know about the good news, and then we’ll keep going. I understand why you want to stay out. You can do whatever makes you feel comfortable. We’ll find Nate together. Okay?” Constable Matthews smiled at me, filling me with a quick burst of renewed energy.

  Her response and the way she looked at me suggested that she was, indeed, a mother. That her stomach was in knots, just as my own was.

  As I pulled out my iPhone to call Pete, I took comfort in Constable Matthews’s compassion. It made me feel better to know that an empathetic mother was on my side during the horrific ordeal. Nate wasn’t her son but, as a mother, she felt my panic. Shared in my dread. And if she was experiencing even one millionth of what I was feeling, I knew she’d never let them stop looking for my son.

  32

  Nate

  It’s cold. Really, really cold. I can’t stop my teeth from chattering and I don’t know where I am or how I got here.

  I’m so scared.

  I keep hearing my name being called all around me. I think it is the monsters who won’t leave me alone and they’re going to hurt me really badly. I’m so scared I feel like I can’t breathe. I don’t know how to breathe.

  It is really dark and I don’t like the dark and the dark makes me more scared because the monsters like the dark and they are all around me. They are like shadows. Really scary shadows.

  I’m so afraid.

  It is really smelly and I’m beside a garbage can filled with rotten stink. I don’t like it at all but I feel like if I climb into the stink the monsters will leave me alone because they won’t like the smell either and then I will be saved and then I will be able to breathe again.

  I walk towards the big stinky bin and trip over something but I don’t know what made me trip and I hit the ground and both my hands instantly hurt because I hit something sharp. I think I am bleeding. I sit down and start to cry but then I force myself to keep going because I need to get into the big stinky bin so the elephant monsters will stop chasing me and I won’t be scared anymore.

  It’s so dark but I feel a little ledge that I can use to climb. I keep climbing and think I might make it to the top but then I slip back to the ground.

  I am crying because I am hurting and scared but I need to keep going. I need to get inside the big bin so the monsters will not get me.

  I try again and finally make it to the top of the bin and fall inside. It is wet and slimy and stinks more than anything I’ve smelled before but I feel better because it is dark and quiet and the elephant is too huge to get in here and I feel safe.

  I finally feel safe.

  33

  Ashley

  I sipped at the bitter coffee Oliver had handed me. It was lukewarm and tasted burnt and old. I tried to ignore the fact that brewed coffee past its prime also hinted at a search that had been going on for far too long.

  It was four o’clock in the morning. We still hadn’t found Nate. And no other clues had come in since the anonymous tip from the pool hall. Police teams were out in full force, and Oliver was in the process of working with the sergeant, a man named Ross whom I hadn’t yet met, to decide if we should leverage the media to help find Nate.

  “Yes! Oliver, yes! Please … let’s do whatever we can to help find him!” I noticed Oliver shoot Officer Matthews a pointed look, to which she responded by nodding her head and steering me clear of his conversation.

  “Look, Ashley, we’re okay with you staying here because we know you need to be here. But you have to let the search commander and his teams do their jobs, okay?” Her eyes searched mine.

  “I know. Constable Matthews …” I responded.

  “Hey, we’re like old friends now. Please, call me Sarah.”

  “Okay.”

  “Why don’t you come and sit down? Take a rest for a minute. I’ll sit with you.”

  I nodded and followed her to two chairs in a corner. I pulled my coat tighter around me to prevent myself from shivering in the chilly RV, and finished the black coffee. At least it had caffeine in it.

  “It’s a big decision. Whether to alert the media or not. We’ve got to make it soon if we’re going to hit the morning news, but there can be negative consequences as well.”

  “Like what?”

  “Well, we think there’s a good chance we’ll find Nate. In the majority of cases similar to this one, the child is located quickly and unharmed.”

  “You call this quickly?” I asked Sarah sarcastically. I regretted the clipped sound of my voice the minute I heard it.

  But Sarah was understanding enough to be patient with my rudeness, and answered calmly, “Yes. If we find Nate soon, like we’re hoping, and it turns out we didn’t need media support, there are other things to consider.”

  I stared at her. She wasn’t making any sense. What could be more important than actually getting Nate home?

  “Ashley,” Sarah began gently. “We think we’re close. Given everything we know, we believe Nate is likely hiding somewhere, and we’ll find him soon. Daylight is coming, and that will help us a great deal.”

  “But why wouldn’t we want extra
help from the media? Just in case?”

  “If Nate’s absence is made public, everyone will know about it. And that could make reintegration hard for him. And for you, and the rest of your family. We don’t know anything yet, but if it turns out that Nate does require medical treatments for mental health issues … well … then that information will likely be public too. You will lose control of what, and who, finds out very personal information about your son.”

  “Are you saying I should be embarrassed? That I should be embarrassed about my son?” I asked her with a sharpness to my voice. Or my father? I thought to myself. Should I be embarrassed about my bipolar father?

  “No, Ashley.” Sarah shook her head. “I’m not saying that at all. But you and your family … you could have a long road ahead of you. Yes, we absolutely want to find Nate, and we’re doing everything we can to find him as soon as possible. And we believe we will find him soon. But we also want to protect you from any unnecessary harm. It’s a balance, and a delicate choice. One that Oliver won’t make lightly. I’ve worked with him many times on different cases, and you should trust him. He’s the right person to be running this search.”

  I nodded. I knew she was right, but so many thoughts were swirling together in my mind that I could no longer be logical. Nothing seemed to be making sense anymore, and I felt like my own sanity was being stitched together by nothing more than a few isolated bursts of determination and will. I was running on empty, and wondering how long I could keep myself together.

  “Oliver!” a woman with short brown hair called out. She was sitting at the laptop farthest from Sarah and me. “I just got word that we found a shoe matching the clothing description.”

  I stood up quickly and felt Sarah holding onto my arm. “Nate’s shoe?” I croaked. My voice sounded like a scream in my mind, but came out as something barely louder than a whisper.

  A mash-up of emotions, encompassing both panic and relief, raced through my entire body. Hot prickles crept to the surface of my neck, making me feel even more raw and vulnerable.