Julie

by Polly Stenham

  (Angry.) I said. Go. ON.

  He doesn’t respond.

  You’re proud of it. What just happened. You wanted it too.

  Jean Maybe.

  Beat.

  Although the conquest was a little too easy to give me genuine pleasure.

  Julie You can’t see beyond the idea of conquest, can you? Of winning in some way. You only see it, me, as a thing to have. You ‘had’ me. That’s what you think, isn’t it? Which is ironic. Because if anyone conquered anyone, if anyone had anyone. I had you.

  Beat.

  And you can’t bear that, can you?

  So go on. Do it. Hit me.

  Jean What?

  Julie It’s what you want to do.

  Jean What? No.

  Julie Admit it, you hate me.

  Jean No.

  Julie AT LEAST HAVE THE GUTS TO ADMIT IT

  Jean (urgent) Shhhh …

  I don’t hate you.

  Julie Look at me and say that. Look right at me.

  He does. He is suddenly sad.

  Jean You look –

  Julie What?

  Jean Fool’s gold.

  Julie What does that mean?

  He doesn’t respond.

  What does it mean?

  Jean It means it’s what I wanted to know. That you were just the same. But it also hurts to know. That you’re just the same. That your nails are just as dirty. That the parts of you no one sees taste just as metallic, as sour.

  Julie My body ‘hurts’ you? My reality. The reality of me, of this, ‘hurts’ you?

  Jean Yes.

  It makes it all worse somehow.

  Julie All?

  Jean Yes.

  Everything.

  Small pause.

  What are we going to do?

  Julie We’re going to leave here. Together.

  Jean To talk like this to each other forever?

  Julie No. To enjoy ourselves. As long as we can. And then die.

  Jean Die? No. Let’s build our restaurant.

  Julie In Cape Verde. Oranges on the trees.

  Jean We could be there so soon.

  She smiles at him. He smiles back.

  Julie We could wake up there.

  In one of those beds with the netting around it. Ocean breeze. No things. No things around us. No stuff. No things.

  Just our bodies.

  Clean sheets.

  Warm.

  Skin.

  He closes his eyes as if imagining it.

  Jean Do we have enough. For a flight? Just the flight? We could figure the rest out when we’re there, we’d work it out somehow –

  Julie Money money money –

  Jean Why is it so dirty to you? Money? You can do something with what you have, don’t you get that? Stop being ashamed. Own it. Own this. Use what you have to build something. To make something. To be strong.

  Julie Money money money, then we die.

  Jean (genuine) I don’t want to die.

  Julie Really?

  Jean It scares me.

  Julie I think it’s like before being born. A sort of wonderful. Nothing.

  Jean I don’t think it’s like that. I think it’s worse.

  Julie Hell?

  He doesn’t reply.

  Oh my God, you believe in God.

  He doesn’t reply.

  No pun intended.

  Was that even a pun? I’m not sure.

  You do, don’t you? Wow.

  She laughs.

  Jean Why are you laughing?

  Julie I’m sorry, it’s just a bit like someone believing in Santa, it’s sweet actually.

  Beat.

  What would your God make of tonight? Do you think he’s thrilled?

  Jean I’m tired of this. I’m going to the car.

  Julie You’re tired, are you? You’re done?

  Jean This is stupid. We’re being stupid –

  Julie You think I can be brushed off like that? You owe me more than that –

  Jean Do you know why he really stayed away? It’s because he hates seeing you like this. Out of control. Slurring. Popping pills. It reminds him of her before she did it. It’s too painful. And you know that. Deep down you know that –

  Julie You’re right. It doesn’t look good.

  Jean What do you mean?

  Julie You said it yourself.

  Jean What?

  Julie People might not believe it was my choice.

  He steps back.

  Jean You shouldn’t drink.

  Julie Why?

  Jean It makes you say things you don’t mean.

  Julie So?

  Jean It makes you talk too much.

  Julie I shouldn’t talk? Is that what you’d like? You’d like me nice and mute? Is that what the women are like where you came from, is that how you like them? Nice and QUIET –

  Jean Shhh …

  She stares at him silently.

  (Dawning on him.) You actually would. Wouldn’t you?

  Julie I didn’t say anything. I just repeated what you said to me.

  He steps back again, eyes wide.

  Fine. I regret it. I regret the insinuation.

  He doesn’t respond.

  I’m completely desperate. Don’t you see –

  Jean What do you want me to do? What is it you want from me? I don’t understand. I don’t understand you. Do you want me to cry? Kiss you? Take you away? And then what? What will I do? What will you do? This is getting painful. Look. I can see that you’re miserable. I can see that in some way you’ve always been miserable. But I don’t understand you. I don’t have the luxury, we don’t have the luxury of being sad like you. Love to me is a game I can play when I have a few hours off, I don’t have all day and night like you do. It’s not a blood sport to me. That’s a luxury. To torment yourself like this is a luxury. To have the fucking time.

  Julie stares at him, almost amused.

  Why are you looking at me like that?

  Julie At least now you’re talking like a human being.

  Jean Was I not a human being to you before?

  She comes closer.

  Julie I want to do it. I want to be with you. Let’s do it.

  Let’s go.

  Jean I’m yours.

  Julie Are you?

  Jean I’m yours.

  Julie Hold on. I need a drink.

  He hesitates, then pours one.

  She drains the glass.

  She holds out her glass for more.

  Jean You’ll get drunk.

  Julie I am drunk.

  Jean Drunker.

  Julie Why does it matter? If we’re leaving why does it matter how drunk I am? How anything I am –

  Jean Do you really want to go?

  Julie Yes. I do.

  Jean Then we should go now –

  Julie We’ll do it. We’ll run away together. But I need you to know me properly, I need to tell you something before we –

  Jean (starting to get anxious about the time) Kristina will get up soon –

  Julie She was a complicated woman. My mother.

  She waits for him to say something. He doesn’t.

  You know I was the one to find her?

  He says nothing.

  Money isn’t everything. And love is a joke.

  Jean But you got engaged.

  Julie Exactly. Ha ha.

  Jean What happened?

  Julie I got bored of him.

  Jean (gently) That’s not what happened, is it?

  Julie What do you mean? What did he say?

  He doesn’t reply.

  I broke it off. Has he said it was him? The liar.

  Jean I saw you tell him you were tired. That you just wanted to rest. To stop looking.

  Julie Cruel.

  Jean It’s what I saw.

  Julie I hate you.

  Jean Do you?

  Julie I think I’d like to kill you. Like an animal.

  Jean I’m sorry.

  Julie
No, you’re not. You wanted me to be ashamed of loving. I will never be ashamed of loving. Of wanting. OF NEEDING. Fuck you.

  She is close to him. Closer. Nearly kiss.

  He notices Kristina’s coat is gone.

  Jean Where’s her coat?

  Julie Who’s coat?

  Jean Kristina’s. She hung it up, before she went upstairs.

  Julie Did she?

  Jean Yes.

  Julie Are you sure?

  Jean Yes.

  He exits.

  Julie digs around in drawers looking for cigarettes. She suddenly remembers where she hid some; she finds q hidden, nearly empty packet, takes one out, lights it and inhales gratefully. She takes a pill from her red make-up bag and swallows it quickly

  Jean re-enters.

  Jean She’s gone.

  Julie What do you mean, gone?

  Jean She’s not in her room and her coat is gone.

  Julie Maybe she’s taken the dog out again.

  He opens the door to the side room. The dog wakes up and starts barking manically. Jean then goes to the sink and picks up the glasses. He sees they’ve been washed.

  Jean They’re clean.

  Julie So?

  Jean Did you wash them up?

  It dawns on her.

  Julie You don’t know that she saw –

  Jean Why else would she leave –

  Julie You don’t know for sure –

  Jean I do –

  Julie How –

  Jean BECAUSE SHE’S NOT FUCKING STUPID.

  Julie Why do you care? If we’re going to leave together, why do you care if she knows?

  He doesn’t answer.

  What are we going to do?

  Jean You could leave first.

  Julie Me?

  Jean Today. Travel. Go anywhere. Just for a while. Enough time for –

  Julie For what? You to patch things up with your fiancée?

  Jean Enough time for me to follow you, without it looking –

  Julie No. I can’t go alone. I don’t like. To be alone. Alone? No. I won’t do that.

  Jean She could tell him. She’ll be so angry, she could tell him –

  Julie I’ll go if you come with me.

  Jean I’ll follow you. I promise.

  Julie Really?

  Jean Really.

  Julie I’m so tired. I’m so so tired. Just tell me what to do. I can’t think any more.

  Jean Go upstairs. Get dressed. Get what you need for the journey, then come downstairs.

  Julie Come with me upstairs.

  The room is starting to get light.

  Jean To your room? No. I can’t do that.

  Go. Now.

  He takes her hand and leads her offstage a little roughly.

  She exits.

  Jean is on his own. He starts tidying, getting rid of the evidence. The sun has risen. The room is now full of light. Julie enters carrying a bag and a birdcage covered with a towel which she places on a chair.

  Jean You should …

  He gestures to her face.

  Julie How? What?

  Jean Your face is dirty.

  Julie goes to the sink and splashes her face.

  Julie Better?

  He nods. She looks towards the window. The brightening light.

  It’s light.

  Come with me.

  Come with me.

  Please. I can’t be on my own today. A crammed plane. People staring at me. The queues, the headache, children screaming. No. I can’t. I can’t.

  Jean You’ll be fine –

  Julie I can’t stop remembering. Today. I can’t stop. Remembering. Being a child. I keep having flashes of summer. Of afternoons in the garden. Of making strange things with sticks. Talking to animals. Bruises. The good kind of bruises. Not. Finding chocolate in my pocket melted in the wrapper that I could push and twist into new shapes and give to her. What’s happened to me since then? What’s happened to me? So much has happened but also nothing at all. Even if I run. Memories come and with them the guilt guilt guilt and what I’ve become.

  He comes closer. They are nose to nose. She crumples into him. The moment is tender.

  You’re not pretending?

  Jean’s phone beeps. He checks it. He looks pale.

  Jean He’s on his way back. He’s on his way back now.

  Julie What?

  Jean I thought he was going to call, so I could pick him up, I was waiting for him to call –

  Julie He must have taken a taxi –

  Jean Now, let’s do it right now. Let’s go.

  Julie picks up the birdcage.

  Jean What’s that?

  Julie My bird –

  Jean We can’t take that –

  Julie I can’t leave him behind, he won’t look after him –

  Jean That’s insane, put it down –

  Julie It’s the only thing I’m taking –

  Jean Put it down –

  Julie I’m not leaving him here on his own –

  Jean He could walk in any minute –

  Julie I’d rather kill him.

  Jean Fine.

  Give it to me.

  Julie takes the bird out of the cage. Jean takes it. He puts the bird in the blender.

  Julie screams.

  Julie How could you do that?

  Julie goes to the blender. She opens the lid.

  Jean Don’t –

  Julie Do you think I’m afraid? Do you think I’m afraid of that? Afraid of looking at it? Do you worry it might upset me?

  She puts her finger in the blender. And takes it out. Blood.

  Thing is. When you’ve seen the worst thing. When you’ve had the worst thing. Happen. Nothing really frightens you again. Because what’s really frightening. Is already inside you. It. IS. You.

  She smears the blood on her face. He steps back.

  Kristina enters. She holds a takeaway coffee.

  Pause.

  Kristina You’ve made a mess, haven’t you?

  Pause.

  Better tidy up, hadn’t you?

  Jean manically starts to tidy.

  Julie Listen to me, Kristina, listen to me and I’ll tell you everything.

  Kristina I don’t want you to tell me everything.

  Julie I can’t stay here and Jean can’t stay here. So we have to go.

  Kristina I see.

  Julie But I’ve had an idea.

  Kristina And what’s that?

  Julie Why don’t the three of us go together?

  Kristina doesn’t respond, Julie pushes on.

  To Cape Verde. To open a restaurant together. Wouldn’t it be good?

  No response.

  We could run it together. We’ve got different skills, haven’t we? Complementary skills, I think together we could. It could be such a success, couldn’t it? Our restaurant …

  She tails off.

  Kristina Do you believe that?

  Julie Do I believe it?

  Kristina Yes.

  Julie No.

  Kristina turns to Jean.

  Kristina Are you insane? Are you both insane?

  Julie Yes. Maybe.

  No. I don’t know.

  Kristina (to Jean) I wanted so badly for you to surprise me.

  Jean I –

  Kristina And I went to church with you. To please you.

  Julie It was me. It wasn’t him.

  Jean That’s not true.

  Julie I started it. I’m sorry.

  Kristina I hold your hair up when you’re sick. I pick you up after your abortion. I wash your bloodstained underwear. I get up most days and I serve you. But I tell myself, it’s not her fault. She’s a nice girl. It could be the other way round. She treats me well. She treats me like a person. She didn’t write history. She’s just snared in the story like me. Sometimes she even makes it possible for us to both pretend that we’re not hostage to our situation. Sometimes when we’re talking in the kitchen we can both pretend that it’s all pretend.
And that makes the job, sort of bearable, that we both have moments of pretending. That it all isn’t so fucked. That it all isn’t so fucking unfair. You see all I had here, was a tiny bit of dignity. But even that you’ve snatched, and it wasn’t even precious to you. I don’t think you even knew I had it. That I need it. I don’t think you know what it’s like to need something. Just what it’s like to want. And want. And want. Because, what you’ve done, what you’ve just done, is worse than sex with someone you shouldn’t. That’s child’s play really. It’s ordinary. It’s the oldest trick in the book. What you’ve actually done is you’ve turned the light on. When we’d both agreed to sometimes have it off. In what you’ve done, you’ve reiterated everything. In your action is the whole world. Of taking and taken. You are wrong. You are what’s wrong.

  Julie I –

  Kristina If I were you I’d go upstairs. Before he comes back. You look awful.

  Kristina exits.

  Pause.

  Julie She’s right. I do.

  She turns to Jean.

  Clean sheets, empty room. Let’s go.

  Pause.

  Jean I should clear up.

  The front door sounds. Jean startles. Alarmed. He’s back.

  Jean’s phone rings. He takes a breath, then answers. Without him noticing Julie takes a sheet of pills from her red make-up bag and takes another.

  I’m sorry, sir, I –

  I understand. It’s too much.

  She’s here.

  Yes.

  Downstairs.

  Julie is trying to straighten herself out for her father.

  I’ll bring the car round.

  The front door slams. Jean hangs up.

  He’s seen the state of the house. He’s leaving.

  Julie Where is he going?

  Jean I don’t know. I should go –

  Julie Is he angry with me?

  Jean I’ve got to go.

  He exits.

  The sunlight has reached the floor. Julie is alone on stage. She takes three more pills. After a minute she takes out another pill and grinds it up and snorts it. She stands. Closes her eyes. She feels her own heartbeat slow. We enter her experience. The light brightens. Time passes. Everything slows.