Kissing Snowflakes

by Abby Sher

  Ugh. That was not a pretty night. I had even put on a tight miniskirt and one of Phoebe’s baby tees, which I kept on tugging at to make sure my belly button didn’t show. I got kind of drunk on some red punch that tasted like cough syrup, and I announced to everyone that I was going to get an ear job so that someone would find me attractive. Then for the grand finale I threw up in Dave’s driveway. Good times, right?

  After that, there was that month or so when Alan Neumar kept on waiting by my locker and asking if he could see my Chemistry homework. Alan was in the play, too — he was a migrant. Alan had saggy eyes like a basset hound’s, and I heard he couldn’t shower in the boys’ locker room because he had a contagious foot fungus. I don’t mean to be superficial, but those things aren’t exactly turn-ons. And he didn’t really talk either, except to tell me I had nice handwriting, but I had misspelled “alkaline.” Great.

  “Sam? Are you there?” came Phoebe’s voice.

  “Oh, yeah. Sorry. What’d you say?”

  “I said, what if you tried it out? I bet there’d be kids our age there.”

  “Tried out what?”

  “Skiing, dorko.”

  “Yeah, I dunno. I’ll see how I feel. What else have you guys been doing?”

  “You know. We ordered pizza, and some people were watching a movie that Mark and his friends made at school. It’s pretty funny. About frogs. And then some people went over to Bonnie Briar to go sledding. The rest of us are playing Murder. The usual.”

  “That sounds awesome right now.” I sighed.

  “Oh, come on, Sam. So, tell me about the inn. Is it pretty?” I knew she was working hard to cheer me up, so I tried to sound chipper.

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “You sharing a room with Jeremy?”

  “Ew, no way.”

  “Well, that’s good. What else?”

  “Nothing. Tonight they’re having a slide show. Woo-hoo.”

  “Well, why not curl up in front of the fire? Just relax. And then tomorrow you can hit the slopes and find some fun people to hang with. Remember — you’re on a mission,” she said.

  “Yeah, I know, it’s just I —”

  “Pheeb! Come on! We need you in here!”

  “Next round. Promise,” said Phoebe.

  “It’s okay, Pheebs. You can go,” I said, even though I wanted so badly for her to stay.

  “No, that’s all right. Tell me more about the mountains.”

  “Well … they’re tall. And snowy. I don’t know. Tell me about Mark’s friends.”

  “Oh! There’s this one guy, Paul, who’s super dreamy. I think he might be Greek originally, but he lives in New York now. He’s studying philosophy and he has this big space in between his front teeth. And then there’s Mark’s roommate, Beezus.”

  “Beezus?”

  “Yeah, I think because there’s a Scott R. and a Scott B., and he’s Scott B. But anyway, he is really funny and he’s staying with Mark because he’s from Montana and it’s too expensive to go home. He’s like nineteen I think because he took off a year before school to fix houses for people in Nepal. I think he’s going back there this summer, too. How cool is that? I was trying to get on the Internet so I could look up Nepal’s biggest export or something. How’s this sound, ‘Hey, so I heard there’s really good paprika over there. I love paprika, don’t you? It’s so spicy.’”

  Phoebe always knew how to cheer me up. She was laughing, too.

  “Oh, Pheebs. I wish you were here. Then it’d be fun.”

  “Yeah, well, you’re just gonna have to have fun for both of us.”

  “Yeah, I guess. First I have to deal with Ricecake.” Ricecake was our nickname for Kathy, because ricecakes are so bland and they’re made of mostly air.

  “Ah, just ignore her. This is your time to have fun.”

  “Yeah, you’re right. I know.”

  “Phoebe?”

  I didn’t recognize the voice on the other end now. Must’ve been one of Mark’s friends.

  “Yeah?” Phoebe sang sweetly.

  “Who is it? Who is it?” I asked.

  “Paprika,” she whispered.

  I felt a flutter in my chest. That was the best part of our friendship. I always got to live a little vicariously.

  “Hey, a bunch of us are going to head out to Bonnie Briar, if you wanted to come with?” I couldn’t tell. Did he have a Montana accent? Was there such a thing?

  “Oh, I guess I’ll meet you in a little bit,” said Phoebe.

  “GO! GO!” I barked.

  “Are you sure?” I could tell Phoebe was putting her face really close to the phone. Her voice was so close my ear felt itchy.

  “Yes! Yes! But Pheebs?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I don’t think it’s paprika. It’s probably something like wool or lentils.”

  “Got it,” she said.

  “And call me later. I want a full report.”

  “Definitismally.”

  I shut my phone. If Pheebs fell in love and moved to Nepal, I was going with her, even if I had to pitch a tent in her backyard. I’d be the spinster who wove blankets and cooked stews. Maybe I’d get a sheep of my own, too. At least then I wouldn’t be completely alone.

  I pressed my mom’s number. I hadn’t spoken to her since Jeremy and I left for Florida, even though I wanted to call her so badly while I was hiding during the wedding reception. But I knew that would be hard for her, so I didn’t.

  Four rings and then it went to voice mail. I clicked my phone off. Where was she on a Sunday night? She usually stayed home and read the paper. Unless Lois invited her over for a glass of white wine. Or maybe she went out with Jon.

  Ugh, Jon. Talk about a nerd. Jon had picked up Mom at the nursing home where she worked. I think he came in to play clarinet or something. He was good at the clarinet because he had this long, droopy lower lip. He was also 6'2", which was something, I guess. And he liked to take Mom to concerts at Lincoln Center and out for Chinese food. But he also talked way too close to my face, he had a thin, gray ponytail, and he was constantly chewing on mint toothpicks. Definitely not cool enough to be dating my mom. My mom is fun and smart and has the softest hair in the world and she can do the New York Times Sunday crossword in pen in less than two hours. And when we were little she used to take us on roller coasters at Rye Playland, even though it made her so scared that she had to put her head between her knees afterward. She also used to make batik shirts for us with stars and spaceships on them. She really is awesome. What was my dad’s problem? I knew it was more complicated than that, but still, I wouldn’t be out here in the middle of Nowheresville right now if he could see how great Mom was, right?

  I saw a warm shaft of light open and spread out on the snow as the front door to the inn opened.

  “Sam, is that you?”

  Exactly not what I needed right now.

  “Yeah. Hi, Kathy,” I said limply.

  “Phew! We’ve been looking all over for you. We were going to have some drinks and then sit down to dinner. What do you say, Miss Supercool?”

  Miss Supercool? What were we, like, five years old?

  I looked up. Kathy had changed into a long cowl-neck sweater and skinny jeans. Her hair was pulled back, too, and piled on top of her head. Of course, she had perfect, delicate, tiny ears.

  “Listen, Kathy. Just go ahead without me. I don’t really feel that hungry after all.” I tried to give her a fake smile and then looked back at the ground.

  “You okay?” she asked.

  “Yeah, sure.”

  I didn’t look up. Eye contact could be construed as an invitation to talk more. But I guess she couldn’t take the hint because she came and sat next to me on the stone step anyway.

  “It’s cold out here. You should have a coat on.”

  “I’m fine.” Why couldn’t she see that I just wanted to be alone?

  “Listen, I’m sorry this is so hard for you, Sam. I really am.” I felt her hand touch my back tentativel
y, like spider fingers. “I mean, here I am, suddenly in your life. I’m nothing like your mom, you know? I’m this totally new, different bird.”

  What was that supposed to mean?

  “And I know you have a very special relationship with your father. I really respect that, and I see how much you love him. And I love your father very much, too. Which must be hard. I get it. I really do.” Now she was sort of massaging the back of my neck, but it was really light and just next to the tag so mostly it just felt scratchy and annoying. I knew she was trying, but I couldn’t help it. I had had enough.

  “Do you get it? Do you really?” I said. “Because I don’t see how you could! Honestly, Kathy, no offense, but none of this would be happening if it wasn’t for you.”

  Her eyes got big and she was blinking a lot.

  “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way, Sam, I’m just trying to —”

  “No, I know you’re trying. Everybody’s trying. We’re trying to work this out, and then we’re trying to make this easy on you, and then we’re trying Florida, and try, try, try. But I don’t want to try anymore!”

  I could feel the back of my neck getting hot. My nose was drippy and I saw spit flying out of my mouth in the light from the inn. Like I said, I’m no stranger to speaking my mind. Even if it’s not pretty.

  Kathy took a controlled breath and nodded her head slowly. “Well, okay, then. I just came out to tell you the whole family is sitting in front of the fire and —”

  But I wasn’t done. As a matter of fact, I was just getting started.

  “No, don’t you get it?! We are not a family! I am not your daughter, and you can’t tell me when to eat dinner or when to put on a coat!”

  “I wasn’t trying to tell you what to do,” she whined. “I just wanted you to …” She left the sentence in midair and shook her head.

  “What? Wanted to what?” I pushed.

  “I don’t know,” she mumbled. I knew I should stop, but it made me mad that she wouldn’t even stick up for herself.

  “You know what, Kathy? I know you make my dad happy and that’s great and maybe Jeremy can sit there and act like it’s all good and fine, but I can’t! You are not my mom, and you are not my friend, and you are not going to be, okay?! I do not want to watch sunsets with you or see you snuggle with my dad and I certainly will not be kissing any snowflakes. Ever!”

  Told you I could be dramatic. I was standing up now, my hands on my hips. And even though I knew I was being a big brat, I have to say, it felt good. I wasn’t just screaming at Kathy now. I was letting it out at Dad and at Jeremy and at Leo and a little at Mom and a lot at Jon and his ponytail and his horrible lower lip.

  Kathy looked at her hands in her lap, wiggling her pink fingernails. She looked like a little girl who had just gotten punished.

  “If that’s the way you feel,” she said, standing up awkwardly. She still wouldn’t look at me, but I could see the corners of her eyes were damp. I had never been this nasty to anyone before.

  “It is,” I said as firmly as I could.

  “But I just want to say, for what it’s worth, that this is weird for me, too,” she said, still talking to her shoes. “I mean, it took me thirty-eight years to find the person I wanted to be with, and all of a sudden I have two teenage kids, too, and it’s great and it’s wonderful, but it’s a lot to adjust to all at once, and I know you don’t need to know this, but I just thought I’d say it so you … so you knew, I guess.”

  Her words spilled out so fast, it looked like her mouth was moving without her controlling it. And then she looked up at me and mashed her lips into this painful half smile. Her cheeks were dark and wet now. This time I was the one who had to look away. Then all I heard was her boots squeaking as she walked back into the inn.

  Nice, Levy. Real nice. I sat back down on the slate steps and tried to calm my breath down, pulling my fleece in tighter and wiping my nose with my sleeve.

  “Wow. I guess you told her,” said a raspy voice.

  I looked up. It was a guy, tall and lanky. I guessed he was probably Jeremy’s age. Long, thin nose. I couldn’t tell what color his eyes were in this light. He was looming over me, blocking out the moon. He had on a big, thick sweater and a scarf tucked around his neck. His dark hair hung down just above his eyes.

  “She must’ve pissed you off, huh?” he asked.

  “Excuse me?”

  “I mean, you were really letting her have it.”

  Great. Had he watched that whole thing?

  “Well, she was …” I started. My voice sounded unsteady. “Did you see …?”

  “Yeah.” He cut me off. “Pretty harsh,” he added. Then he just stood there, waiting for me to respond.

  “Well, I mean, I didn’t know you were there. Do you always sneak up on people like that?” I knew it sounded snooty, but I was feeling pretty defensive now. Who was this guy, anyway?

  “No. Not always,” he said. “Do you always make grown women cry?”

  Whoa. That one landed right on my chest. I felt the cold stinging my skin. For once in my life, I didn’t have anything to say.

  “Listen, whatever,” he said. “I know moms can be a pain sometimes.”

  I know I should’ve just let it go. But of course, good old Levy …

  “That’s the thing. She’s not my mom. She’s my dad’s new — Kathy.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  This guy was infuriating!

  “She’s not my mom. She’s nothing like my mom. In fact, she probably comes up to my mom’s navel. But you know what? It’s none of your business, anyway. You don’t know who she is or who I am or anything!”

  “You’re right,” he said calmly.

  All right, Levy. Just walk away. It’s not worth it. But the more this guy stood there with his arms crossed, just looking out into the nothingness, the madder I got.

  “You know, I didn’t want to come here. I don’t even plan on skiing. This whole trip is a big waste of time, and now I have to get a lecture on how to respect my elders?! You can think whatever you want. I really don’t care. You can stay out here and spy on people all night, if that’s your thing. But I’m freezing and hungry and tired and … done!”

  I tried to make a sweeping exit by spinning on my heels and stomping back into the inn. But one of my feet had fallen asleep, so it was more like a dramatic hobble. It felt pretty lame. Then I pulled open the heavy wooden door to the inn and let it slam behind me. At least it was warm in here. People were gathered in small groups, chatting and sipping drinks. I really was famished, but I didn’t see how I could join the family for dinner now. Dad and Kathy were sitting by the fire playing cards. They didn’t even look up when I came in the room. Neither did Jeremy, who was leaning on the mantel with some girl in a fuzzy cream-colored sweater laughing next to him. I wanted to tell her that he ate with his mouth open and that he never flossed. But I didn’t.

  Instead, I took two red delicious apples from the basket on one of the side tables and went up to my room. Someone had come in and turned the covers down. I was too cold to get undressed, though. I turned on the bathroom sink to run my hands under the hot water. It sputtered and spit out some brown-colored water. Great. But then it ran clear and the steam started rising from the sink. I put my hands under until they turned red, then quickly stripped down and slipped into my sweatpants, a thermal, and my warmest socks.

  I slid into the bed, turned on the television, and flipped around. There was some reality show on where the contestants were all trying to put together a puzzle. The puzzle was made of big wooden pieces, and it was supposed to turn into a map that would show them the way to a box of fruit on this island. Or something like that. I always thought that I’d be good on one of those shows. I love puzzles, and I’m really good under pressure. But I also get lost a lot, especially when I’m walking or on a bus or something and I zone out. And I guess tonight I had proven I wasn’t much of a team player. All right, maybe I wouldn’t be good on one of those shows.


  I rubbed my apple on my shirt and took a bite. I could just picture Jeremy ordering a big steak and chewing with his tongue hanging out. Dad would go for the pasta — and Kathy? Probably a side salad or something skimpy like that. Ugh. What did it matter now, anyway? I took another bite of my apple and wiggled down under the covers until all that was left above the sheets was my head.

  I knew I was acting like a baby. I knew I was being unfair to Kathy. I was just so mad at her for taking my dad away. I felt so lonely. It was like everyone had someone special in the world except for me. Even Jeremy with his new fuzzy girlfriend. Even the people running across the TV screen, holding hands as they searched for clues.

  I put my apple core on the night table and turned out the light. For a minute, I thought there was something wrong with the switch. It was still so bright in the room. The moon poured in through the window, making the ivy leaves on the wallpaper look mystical as they climbed up to the ceiling. I had to admit, it really was pretty amazing. Even through those four little panes of glass, the sky was so immense and vast and long in every direction. Much bigger than at home. A gazillion stars blinking and spreading out into the night. All I wanted was to be able to share that sky with someone. That was my wish. Just to have someone look up and point out Orion or trace the Big Dipper.

  Was it too much to ask?

  And then I did something I hadn’t done in a long time. I knew it was corny, but I tipped my head back and whispered it up at the moon. I didn’t know whom I was asking or how it could be answered, but I did it anyway.

  Please let me find someone to share this sky with. Please?