The Newport Ladies Book Club: Daisy

by Kilpack, Josi S.

  I asked an employee to help me find it and followed him through the stacks, ending up in the classics section. When he placed the book in my hands, I was disappointed to see how slender it was. I wouldn’t get lost for long. Still, I paid for it and continued my trek to my car. I got a text from Paul saying he was going to Charlie’s to work on the deck his brother was building. I was glad he’d be gone before I got home.

  Paul knew something was wrong; I could tell by the way he looked at me too long. We lived in the same house, but I was avoiding him, and he knew it. Mason had come last weekend and that had been a good distraction for him. I pretended to have year-end stuff I needed to finish at the office so they could have time together.

  I drove home, let myself into my empty house, and finished off the potato chips out of spite for the healthy diet I was supposed to be following. I kicked off my shoes and changed into my frumpy-comfy clothes. In the process of getting changed, I caught my reflection in the mirror again, in profile. There was a definite bump—a perfect curve where the pregnancy was taking over. I froze. For a second. Then I picked up my shoe and threw it at the mirror.

  I didn’t want to be pregnant, and I certainly didn’t want to look pregnant. I stormed out of the bedroom and grabbed Silas Marner out of my purse, desperate for the escape. Paige had said it was a classic novel, so I hoped it was dark and more hopeless than my life was—like the Thomas Hardy novels we’d read in my English Literature class my sophomore year. I’d wanted happy endings for other books, but not this time. This time I wanted to read a tragedy that would make my life look a little brighter by comparison.

  After settling onto the couch—I couldn’t read in the bedroom because the traitorous mirror was in there—I started reading. It took me a while to adjust to the classical writing, but it was a good story, and I enjoyed the beautiful language as the book progressed. It was about a miser who treasured his money above all else until it was stolen. Then, as he’s trying to find purpose again, a child enters his life. A child with bright golden hair. Stormy had had bright blonde hair when she was a baby. I kept reading, but then the story started to change. I watched the old man change with it. His longing for his money began to fade, and in its place the love for the child began to grow.

  I felt my jaw clench as I tried to talk myself out of the suspicions creeping up my spine, but the parallels became stronger and stronger until I flattened the book against my chest and tried to breathe through the heated anger rising in my shoulders.

  She would not do this to me, I said in my mind. Paige wouldn’t be so mean.

  But within a few more pages, I was absolutely livid. I leaned forward on the couch, bracing my elbows on my knees and holding my head in my hands. When I opened my eyes, though, I was staring at my stomach, which looked absolutely huge. I heard my phone ding with a text message, and I practically ran into the kitchen, beside myself with rage that I knew was illogical but was there nonetheless. I snorted when I saw the text was from Paige.

  I’m done with my copy of Silas Marner. Did you want to borrow it? How are you doing?

  Oh, that girl! I stared at my purse, then looked back at the book I’d left on the living room floor.

  Twenty minutes later, I pulled up to Paige’s apartment complex still as mad as I’d been when I stormed out to my car. When I got to door 425, I knocked loudly and waited, my fingers clenching the book.

  I heard her footsteps as she got closer and I waited. I heard the knob twisting and I waited. She pulled the door open and had the audacity to smile when she saw me standing there.

  “Daisy, did you respond to my text and I missed it? I’m so sorry.” She pulled the door open to have me enter, but I held up my copy of the book instead.

  “I can’t believe you did this.”

  Paige’s expression fell but she simply looked confused. “Um, I’m not sure—”

  “I spent my whole childhood being preached to, Paige, and the last thing I need now is for people to pretend to be my friend simply to set me up for some kind of conversion.”

  Paige looked over her shoulder, and then pulled the door mostly shut. “Daisy, what is your deal?”

  “My deal is the fact that I trusted you with something that may prove to be the biggest trial I have ever faced, and you slapped me in the face with it. You are a stupid little girl who knows nothing about me or my life. The next time you want to make some kind of statement, do it on your own time.” I threw my book at her; she stepped out of the way, but it still hit her in the shoulder.

  Good.

  I turned on my heel and headed back toward the elevators. “Wait just a second!” I heard her say from behind me. I didn’t wait, and I didn’t turn around until I felt her hand on my arm. Then I turned sharply enough that she fell back a step, but my aggression didn’t shut her up.

  “What are you so mad about?” Her voice wasn’t nearly as submissive as I had hoped it would be.

  “Like you don’t know?” I lashed back, putting my hands on my hips. I was only a couple of inches taller than she was, and I suddenly wished I were six foot two.

  “No, I don’t know. You’re making no sense.”

  “You totally set me up, and I don’t appreciate it.”

  “How on earth did I set you up?” Paige asked. She held up the book. “And what does this have to do with anything?”

  “Oh, come on,” I said, rolling my eyes. “An old man whose greatest treasure becomes a child? Real stealthy, Paige. I don’t know how I ever figured it out.”

  Paige paused for half a second, and then she laughed humorlessly. I was ready to punch her. “You think this book was directed to you?” She shook her head. “Oh, that’s a bit of a stretch, don’t you think?” She put her hand on her hip. “First of all, I chose the book before you took those tests. Second, it’s a classic piece of literature that has a great message for anyone who loves anyone else. It’s about people, Daisy, not your baby. And thirdly”—she paused and her eyes narrowed—“you’re being a real b . . . b . . . brat about this whole thing. You’re pregnant, you don’t feel ready for it, but it’s a baby, and you treat it like it’s a terminal disease. You need to grow up and—”

  “You have no idea what you’re talking about; no idea what—”

  “Oh, whatever,” Paige said. “You are out of your head, lady. If a little book unhinges you, you’re trying way too hard to find a scapegoat for your misery. Frankly, I’ve got too many of my own problems to deal with any of yours.” She threw the book at my feet, and I stared at it while the words she’d said replayed through my mind. I tried to grab onto the vapors of my rage as her words sank in, but they were fading too fast to sustain me.

  Paige stared at me for another second before she turned and went back to her apartment. Her door opened, I heard snatches of canned laughter from the TV, and then her door snapped shut. I stood there for a few more seconds until the elevator dinged and I got on. I faced forward as the elevator closed with the book still in the hallway and took me back to the ground level. I went out to my car, slid into the driver’s seat, and sat there.

  What was wrong with me?

  I felt my chin trembling, and I leaned forward until my forehead rested on the steering wheel.

  I was pregnant . . . no, I was going to have a baby. And Paige was right. I might be forty-six years old, but I needed to grow up and face this. I had lived most of my adult life trying to prove to the people around me that I had it all together. Yet here I was, keeping a secret that was tearing me apart. I had to tell Paul, I might need to see a therapist to help me figure out how to handle this, but what I couldn’t do was keep myself holed up in this shell I’d created. If I didn’t trust the people I loved enough to tell them what was happening, then what did that say about my relationships? And I’d chewed out Paige, the only friend I had in this situation.

  Chapter 23

  The house was empty when I got home, and I headed for the bedroom. Could I just sleep for the next six months? Please?
r />   I sat heavily on the side of the bed and, for the first time, brought my hands up to my stomach. I didn’t think I really looked pregnant yet, just top-heavy, but I was pregnant. Within the next few weeks, I wouldn’t be able to hide it, and I would feel this . . . baby move. Whether I liked it or not, my condition would soon become obvious to everyone. I needed to make a plan. The first item on that list was telling Paul.

  Oh, my stomach rolled at the thought. I still, even after all this time, had no idea how he would react. But I couldn’t keep waiting for some kind of inspiration, and the longer I waited, the harder it was going to be to explain why I had waited. I looked at the alarm clock next to our bed. It was seven o’clock. He would be back anytime.

  I heard my cell phone ringing in the kitchen, so I stood up to answer it. I headed toward my purse on the counter before realizing my phone was on the table. Apparently, I hadn’t put it in my purse when I went to my showdown-gone-bad with Paige. I felt so embarrassed for having reacted like that. She must think I was totally insane.

  I picked up my phone. It was December’s number calling, but the display said it was the sixth missed call from her number. I quickly answered it. “Hey, sweetie,” I said, trying to focus on this moment.

  “Mom?” December said in her trying-to-be-strong voice. “I’ve been trying to call you. There’s something wrong. My doctor wants me admitted to the hospital.”

  Chapter 24

  By the time Paul came home, I’d already made my flight arrangements for the next morning, and I was almost packed.

  He sat on the bed while I went between my closet and my dresser, choosing clothes I knew had a looser fit. I had planned to tell him about the baby—our baby—tonight, but I couldn’t do that now. Not like this; not when I was leaving.

  While I finished packing, I explained that December had gone to her regular appointment yesterday but her doctor had had some concerns. They’d sent her home with instructions to follow, then told her to come back today to see how she was responding. Long story short, they told her to get to the hospital. Her blood pressure was nearing stroke level, her kidneys were shutting down, and she needed intervention quick. Lance, her husband, took her to the hospital immediately, and the doctors got her on some medication that was keeping her blood pressure stable, but it wasn’t going down like they wanted.

  “They’re watching her closely, but will have to do a C-section if things get any worse.”

  “How long will she be in the hospital?” Paul asked.

  “Until she has the baby,” I responded.

  “How far along is she?”

  “Thirty-four weeks,” I said, feeling my stomach drop. “She isn’t due until February.”

  “How long are you going to stay out there?”

  I turned to look at him and wished he was coming with me. Well, I kinda wished he was. I stopped my packing and came to stand in front of him, wondering if he’d noticed how fat I was getting. I touched his cheek. “I don’t know,” I said. “If they end up taking the baby early, I’ll stay as long as I can.”

  Right then, I had a horrible thought. What if something happened to December’s baby, and my baby was okay? I pushed that thought far away. As Paul rested his hands on my hips and looked into my eyes, I almost told him everything. For that brief moment, it seemed so plausible that he would be stunned and then excited. Maybe he’d kiss my belly and wrap his arms around my expanding waistline.

  But the moment passed quickly as everything else crowded in to take its place. Now wasn’t the right time; December needed to be my focus. I bent down and kissed Paul on the top of the head, then returned to my packing. My bags were by the door before I realized I hadn’t talked to Stormy. I called her cell phone and explained about her sister’s situation. She wanted to come with me, but since I didn’t know how long I’d be in Ohio and she still had school, that wasn’t an option. Luckily, she accepted my explanations.

  Eventually Paul and I went to bed, but I didn’t sleep much as I tried to sort through my daughter’s situation along with my own circumstances. I almost prayed for December and the baby, but then I remembered my last prayer—the one I’d offered when I took those pregnancy tests. I was making progress in my own acceptance of this baby, but that didn’t mean I’d let God off the hook for having done this to me. And now December? I’d been raised to believe in a loving God. But sometimes I wondered.

  Chapter 25

  I picked up a rental car at the Cincinnati airport and called Lance once I had finished signing the contracts. “How’s she doing?”

  “Fine,” he said, calm as always. “She’s showing some response to the medication. I hope we didn’t call you out here for nothing.”

  “No, I’m glad you called,” I said. Was I ever. “The rental car has a GPS so I should be there soon.”

  I found the hospital easily enough, and within an hour of my plane landing, I was marching down the hall of labor and delivery. When I stopped a nurse and asked where my daughter was, she showed me to December’s room. I could see right away how swollen she was. Her hands and her face were round almost to the point of looking painful. She teared up when she saw me, and I hurried over to hug her as tightly as I could.

  “Oh, sweetheart,” I said when I pulled back. We were both crying. “Are you okay?”

  I stayed for the rest of the afternoon, talking or being silent as the situation warranted. Mostly, December was just scared, but the doctors were optimistic that they could hold off labor a little longer. Lance came that evening; he’d gone into work to make notes on his different projects in case someone needed to step in for him next week. I stayed for another hour before finally admitting I was dead on my feet. I’d left California at six o’clock that morning, and the flight was catching up with me fast. I hugged December, made Lance promise to call me if anything happened, and followed the GPS directions to their house in an older suburb with big trees and cracked sidewalks.

  I was dragging when I finally shut the front door behind me but still went about making up a bed on the couch. It had only been a few months since I’d last been here, but I could see the changes in December’s little home. There was a car seat still in the box in the corner of the kitchen. On top was a pile of clothes and tiny little baby things. I touched a baby-sized baseball cap and felt a lump form in my throat. December had told me all about the baby shower her friends had thrown for her last weekend. She’d been absolutely glowing in the photos she’d posted to Facebook, but in hindsight, I remembered noticing that her face looked a little rounder than usual. I’d chalked it up to pregnancy weight gain, but more had been going on, and no one knew it. I’d sent her a gift certificate for Babies “R” Us.

  Would a better mother have done something more personal?

  The extra bedroom where Stormy and I had stayed when we visited last summer had been painted a light green—very calming. I sat down in the rocking chair, a hand-me-down from Lance’s mother, and began rocking back and forth. The crib wasn’t set up yet, but the pieces were stacked against the wall. Lance still hadn’t finished moving out the desk that had been in here when it was an office. I thought about trying to set up the crib, or at least move the desk out into the living room, but I didn’t feel up to it. I didn’t feel up to much of anything.

  I closed my eyes and let the rocking motion soothe me—or I tried to. It was hard to let go of the tension, both what I’d left behind and what I’d come to. Facing December’s impending motherhood while hiding my own was very surreal. But how could I tell anyone about it now? December needed my help and attention. It would take away from her if I suddenly made an announcement. Was I grateful for the excuse? If I was being totally honest, I would have to say that I was, but that didn’t mean I felt good about it. Paige’s words were fresh in my mind. I still needed to grow up, but when would I find the time for that?

  Chapter 26

  I fell asleep in the rocking chair and woke up around two o’clock in the morning when Lance came through the
front door.

  “I thought you were going to stay at the hospital,” I said as we met in the living room.

  “All they had was a chair,” he said, stretching out his back. “And my back is killing me. December has her phone, though, and I made her promise to call.”

  I’d forgotten that Lance had injured his back a few years ago in a waterskiing accident. He looked like he was in a lot of pain. Come to think of it, my back wasn’t feeling all that swell either.

  “I meant to borrow an air mattress for you to use like we did over the summer,” Lance said as he retrieved a prescription bottle from a kitchen cupboard.

  “The couch is fine,” I assured him, not wanting him to worry about something so trivial. “She was okay when you left?”

  “Yeah,” Lance said with a heavy sigh. “I’m hoping she’ll sleep better if she’s not worrying about me.”

  He offered me their bed, but I refused. He needed it more than I did. We both turned in, and while the couch wasn’t all that comfortable, it was better than the rocking chair. I slept until almost eight and then made coffee and instant oatmeal for breakfast. Lance was still asleep, so after getting dressed, I left him a note and headed for the hospital.

  On the way, I stopped at Kmart and, for the first time in years, headed to the baby department. I couldn’t believe how much stuff there was. Surely there hadn’t been so many things when my girls were little. I looked for several minutes before I found some preemie-sized pajamas, the dress kind with a drawstring at the bottom that I’d always preferred when my girls were little. They were so small, though. I shook my head, hoping that everything would be fine from here on out and December’s baby would wait until it was due. I knew better, though. The doctors were taking it one day at a time, but no one expected December to take my grandson to term.