No Matter What

by Michelle Betham

  When it felt as though she’d cried everything she possibly could, when it was impossible for anymore tears to fall she sat up and pulled her knees to her chest, the empty feeling inside her almost too much to bear.

  “It’s my fault,” she said quietly, hugging her knees against her, staring straight ahead. “It’s all my fault. Losing this baby ... it’s a punishment.”

  Reece looked at her. “What do you mean, a punishment? India, you’re upset sweetheart, it’s nobody’s fault.”

  She shook her head. “No, you see, I never really wanted this baby. Not in the beginning anyway. I thought I did, I went through all those feelings of excitement, I did, I was happy. But when I thought about it, when I actually sat down and thought about it I got scared and I fought against it. I fought against it so hard.” She looked up at Reece. She needed to talk, she needed to say these things, to get them out in the open. Things she couldn’t say to Michael, but things she needed to get off her chest. “I didn’t want this baby. I didn’t want to have that responsibility. Michael never knew how I felt and I never want him to know but, I didn’t want the baby. Not in the beginning.”

  Reece took her hand, squeezing it tight. “India, you can’t blame yourself, those feelings are only natural when you’re thrown into something new and different.”

  “It wasn’t just the baby, though. Everything with Kenny, the fact I felt the need to sleep with him again when I was with Michael ... it was wrong, I know that now, it was wrong and it was stupid but I had to do it. I had to sleep with him, I couldn’t stop myself. Oh God, that sounds so weak. But my head was all over the place and I know that’s no excuse, there is no excuse but with a baby on the way and marriage on the cards ... I wanted my old life back. For a few days I just wanted my old life back.” She looked at Reece. “I could have lost him, couldn’t I? Michael? I could have lost him. But it’s payback time now, isn’t it?”

  “India, honey, stop this, come on. This isn’t doing anyone any good, you can’t blame yourself.”

  “But I do.” She looked at him again, right at him, her worn out face determined and serious. “It all fell into place, though. Eventually. I love Michael, I know that now, and the thought of him not being in my life scared the hell out of me. That, and finding out you were my dad, it put everything into perspective. I realised what was important. I realised what I really wanted. I wanted Michael, and I wanted our baby. I wanted a family.” Silent tears started to fall down her cheeks again. She didn’t think she’d had anymore left to cry but here they were. “I wanted our baby so they took it away from me. As punishment. And Terry ... my brother, my beautiful brother ... oh, Jesus, he’s really not coming back is he?”

  Reece pulled her into his arms again as she fell against him, the pain she was feeling seeping right through into him. Seeing her in this state was torture. Knowing what she’d gone through and everything that was going through her head, it was like a living hell.

  “It will be ok my darling,” Reece said, rocking her in his arms again. “It might not seem like it because right now it’ll feel like it can never be ok, but I promise you ... I promise you that it will. One day. It will be ok. We’ll make it ok.”

  And, as he sat holding his daughter, his own little girl, he meant every word. Every single word. He’d make it ok. No matter what.

  ***

  Michael couldn’t hold it back any longer; he couldn’t hold back the pain and the anger of the whole situation any more. So he let the tears fall, he let the frustration out, banging the wall with his fist, letting the anger out by shouting out at the unfairness of it all. This hadn’t been in the plan. This wasn’t the happy-ever-after he’d wanted for him and India. This wasn’t what should be happening. He’d wanted that baby, so much. He’d wanted that baby and he’d needed that baby. He’d needed India to have that baby, to keep that bond, to make sure they always had that connection because if he ever lost her...

  Kicking the door of the toilet cubicle hard he shouted out again, needing to take his frustration out on something, someone, needing to get the pain out into the open before he went back to India because she couldn’t see him like this. She couldn’t, that wasn’t fair on her. But he was feeling so much here, so many emotions he never thought he could feel and he just couldn’t handle them all crashing down around him at once.

  He splashed cold water over his face and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked tired and worn out, he was totally drained. What else could he possibly look like after the night they’d just had?

  He leaned back against the sink and folded his arms, closing his eyes as he threw his head back. This was worse than any nightmare he’d ever experienced. But he had to make sure they got through it, together - him and India. He needed to make sure that this didn’t pull them apart because situations like this had a habit of doing that sometimes, and he couldn’t afford for that to happen. He had to be strong and he had to be there for her. He had to make sure she had no opportunity, no need to go running to Kenny Ross.

  He opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling for a few seconds, more hot tears starting to fall down his face as the realisation continued to sink in. They’d just lost their child. Their baby was gone and it hurt like hell. But he was going to do everything in his power to make sure that this only made him and India stronger. He had to. All the pain and the hurt and the sadness, it would bring them closer, he’d make sure of that. And when the time was right they’d try again. The family he wanted was still his for the taking. His life with India was still only just beginning. They just had a bigger mountain to climb now, that was all. It was just a bigger mountain. But he loved that woman with everything he had and this wouldn’t take her away from him, it wouldn’t do that. Michael Walsh could make things happen, he knew that. And right now, that knowledge was the only thing that was keeping him going.

  ***

  Reece looked up as Michael came back into the room.

  “Is she alright?” Michael asked, even though it was very much a rhetorical question.

  Reece nodded, even though it was quite obvious to anyone that she wasn’t.

  And she probably wouldn’t be for quite a while.

  “Kenny’s gone with the police,” Michael sighed, pushing a hand through his hair. “They want a statement from him. He’ll be back as soon as they’re finished with him.”

  “Are you ok?” Reece asked, watching Michael as he sat back down on the bed, India curling up next to him.

  “I’ll be fine, Reece.”

  “You should get some rest too you know.”

  Michael nodded, pulling India in closer. “I know, but I’ll sleep here.”

  “Are you sure? You really should get some rest, Michael. You look exhausted.”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  Reece left them to it, not wanting to interrupt them anymore. They had so much to deal with, so much to get through and they needed to do that, on their own. So he closed the door behind him, glad to see that Vince had arrived, glad of the company, glad that he didn’t have to cope with the silence.

  “How are they?” Vince asked, immediately realising what a stupid question that was.

  Reece sat down and took the cup of coffee Vince handed him. “They’re coping. Just. But God knows how she’s getting through this, Vince. To lose her brother like that was bad enough but to have to … to have to go through a miscarriage just a few hours later ... who the hell decides that’s fair?”

  Vince couldn’t answer that. There was nothing to say to something that bore no explanation. What had happened tonight was something nobody could have predicted and nobody could have prepared for. The two people who meant the most to him were going through a nightmare and that tore him up inside.

  But he’d help, in the only way he knew how. He’d get them to Vegas. They’d need some privacy and Vince had just the place. He’d make sure they had all the time and space they needed to try and get over this, it was the least he could do. And he had to do something. A
nything, because a long road lay ahead for everyone, a road with so many obstacles, a road that would bring many changes to all of their lives. But it was a road they’d all have to travel down. Eventually. Whether they liked it or not.

  BOOK TWO

  CHAPTER 29

  2002

  India had been in L.A. for ten years. Ten years in which so much had happened. It had been a rollercoaster of emotions that rivalled any storyline from a movie, the last five years having been both the hardest and the best, in almost equal measures.

  Terry’s death had hit her hard, harder than she’d ever thought possible. She’d known she was going to miss him, she’d known she was going to wake up every morning for weeks and months to follow thinking it had all been a dream and then have that crashing reality hit her like a truck when she realised it was all real, but she hadn’t been able to predict just how tough that was going to be.

  Jimmy Cash had been found guilty of murdering her brother. She didn’t know how they’d managed to prove it was him, with there being no witnesses, and she’d never really questioned it. She was just happy it was over.

  As for Charley, she didn’t know what had happened to her. There was talk that she’d upped and moved to Vegas but India didn’t really care. She hadn’t blamed her, that did no good in the long run, but she’d made no attempt to contact her either.

  The news that she was the daughter of Reece Brogan had also inevitably come out – keeping it a secret for any longer, and especially at a time when the media was already focusing heavily on them, would have only been a mistake – and that was news that had sent yet more shockwaves throughout the town, putting them more in the spotlight than ever before. So getting away from everything had been the only option left for India because it had all been too much for her to deal with at the time. Her relationship with Michael had taken the brunt of the stress, and because of the extra media intrusion that had followed the revelation that Reece was her father, they’d taken up Vince’s offer of some time out in Vegas, spending a good few months there just getting themselves together - no work, no interviews, no appearances of any kind. Vince had an amazing hideaway that he’d handed over to them both, leaving them alone to deal with the events of that night, and it was something they’d both had to do. They’d talked, sometimes they’d just sat there holding each other, and there’d been days when emotions had got too much and they’d shouted and argued and cried, but those few months away from everything had been the saving grace their relationship had so badly needed. She knew now that if they’d stayed in L.A. then they may not have survived.

  But when they did return to L.A. they’d returned with news of a wedding, and in the autumn of 1997, India Steven became India Walsh in a simple but beautiful ceremony in the grounds of Reece’s home in the Hollywood Hills. It had been a wedding that had attracted media attention from all over the world, taking place on a warm and sunny day with clear blue skies and a gentle breeze, and for India, it had signalled the start of the rest of her life. It had been the first day in months that she’d felt truly happy and alive. Even the circling of helicopters above them, the attempts from the media to get photographs, none of that could take away from that perfect day. The day she’d married her wonderful American man.

  Michael had looked handsome and happy, and for the first time in so long, relaxed. He’d worn a simple dark suit with an open necked shirt, no tie. It hadn’t been that kind of wedding. India had worn an understated yet stunning ivory strapless sheath dress and she’d looked beautiful. Her blonde hair had been piled up loosely on top of her head with flowers placed here and there, giving her an almost hippy-ish look, with loose strands falling over her tanned shoulders, and she’d carried a small bouquet of white roses as she’d walked up the petal strewn aisle on the arm of the man she now called dad – Reece Brogan.

  She and Michael had said vows they’d written themselves in front of guests that had included just a few close friends, including Kenny Ross. India’s relationship with him had stayed steady and strong throughout everything that had happened. He was still her closest friend, he always would be, and, if anything, what had happened had only strengthened that bond even more. Vince had been best man. It had been a perfect day, a dream wedding. And it had put India and Michael firmly on the map as one of Hollywood’s most powerful couples.

  As far as children were concerned, though, they’d never tried again. India had never really wanted to. The pain of losing that baby was always with her, that night and its terrible events had affected her badly and she’d become almost fiercely independent, despite being married to Michael. It hadn’t always been that way, though. In the beginning, in the first few months after Terry’s death and the miscarriage, and even in the early days of their marriage, she’d clung to Michael with an almost child-like need so scared was she of losing him too. But, as time had moved on and things started to settle down again, she’d begun to realise that she didn’t need to do that. She could function on her own, she could trust him to be there and she didn’t need to have him by her side 24/7.

  So she’d thrown herself back into work. She became one of the hardest working actresses in Hollywood, nominated for and winning various awards for a number of movies, including one for another film she’d made with Michael and Reece. They’d co-starred alongside her, and Michael had directed it and co-produced it along with Reece and Vince. It had been a project they’d all needed to do together. Something to focus on. A way to move forward. And the fact it was a movie that had starred real-life husband and wife, not to mention India’s father, had made it box office gold. India was an even bigger star now. Hollywood elite. She was the wife of Michael Walsh, the daughter of Reece Brogan, the best friend of Kenny Ross. She truly was Hollywood royalty.

  After everything that had happened, life was finally good again. It had taken a while, and there’d been times when she’d wondered whether getting married had been the right thing to do, she’d wondered whether it had almost been a knee-jerk reaction to everything that had happened, but she loved Michael. She loved him so much and after everything they’d gone through together, she didn’t want to be with anyone else.

  They’d been married for almost five years now and sometimes she found it hard to believe that time could pass so quickly. They’d moved out of the house in Beverly Hills shortly after returning from Las Vegas; neither of them had wanted to stay there, there were far too many memories. Their new home was a large and very private estate in the Hollywood Hills, close to Reece, and a place where both she and Michael could make that fresh start, a new beginning. But they’d also bought a beautiful beach house in Malibu, their get-away-from-it-all place, and she loved it there. The beach had always been a special place for India. It brought her a feeling of calm, and she often went there when Michael was out of town. She loved to just sit and watch the ocean, listening to music or just thinking about the future. A future she’d finally realised she could look forward to.

  Today was her thirty-third birthday, but, more importantly as far as she was concerned, it was also the day Michael was due home. He’d been away for a few months now shooting a movie in the U.K., and she’d just finished filming in Arizona, so they hadn’t seen each other for what felt like an eternity. She’d come to their Malibu beach house because she wanted a bit of time alone with the man she hadn’t seen for so long, and this was the perfect place to spend that time. In the most perfect of settings. She’d already seen Reece for a birthday breakfast, already been to lunch at Venice Beach with Kenny - where they’d also had something else to celebrate - and she’d spoken to Vince on the ‘phone after he’d sent her the most incredible diamond necklace from Vegas. But the present she really wanted was her husband home.

  She pulled the lounger further into the sun and stepped out of the short chiffon kaftan she was wearing to reveal a white bikini and an incredible body, toned and tanned and constantly in demand from photographers and advertisers. She had a beauty that people craved, and companies
fought to win her as the face of their brand, but she had favourites she always worked with and she was fiercely loyal to them, while they in turn were more than grateful to have her on board, paying her vast amounts of money to keep her loyalty.

  Settling down on the lounger she pushed her sunglasses down over her eyes, leaning over to switch the CD player on, the sounds of The Steve Miller Band’s ‘Rock’n Me’ making her tap her fingers and smile as she thought about Michael. Their last ‘phone conversation, not ten minutes ago as he was leaving the airport to drive home, had been full of promises, talk of birthday presents that didn’t need wrapping, and just knowing he was on his way made India feel like a kid waiting for Christmas Day.

  They’d had their ups and downs in these first few years of marriage, but then, who didn’t? No-one had promised them life would be a fairytale, and she’d certainly had proof of that. Michael had mood swings, days when he became quite introverted, when he would sit in his study alone for hours, and there were also times when he’d become quite possessive, usually when he was away from home and she was in L.A., alone. He’d ask questions about who she’d seen that day and what she was doing that evening but it soon passed. He just cared about her, that’s all. And after everything that had happened he just wanted to protect her as much as he could. She understood that. But she didn’t need protecting. Not anymore.

  The music changed to a Bon Jovi track and she closed her eyes, letting the music wash over her. Michael would be home soon and then her birthday could really begin.

  ***

  Kenny Ross had realised, on the day she’d married Michael Walsh, that India was never coming back to him, and, as hard as that was for him to come to terms with, he knew that night back in 1997 had somehow changed something in everyone. None of them could waste life, none of them wanted to, and although he was always going to love India – always – he’d known that he couldn’t wait for something that was never going to happen. Even though a part of him could never really put to rest what he felt for that woman. His ex-wife. His best friend. But, as he’d watched her walk up the aisle on Reece’s arm, and seen how beautiful she was, knowing she’d once been his, it had been hard. Very hard.