No Matter What

by Michelle Betham

  But then, almost as if they’d appeared from out of nowhere, a mass of people started to gather around her, throwing questions at her from all directions for a reason she couldn’t explain. She was totally confused. She had no idea what was happening, or why it was happening, and she swung around to see what was going on behind her. But, in that split second, in the time it took for her to turn around, she wished with all her heart that she hadn’t looked at all.

  CHAPTER 64

  She felt as though someone had just punched her in the stomach. All she could do was stare at him, even though every fibre of her being just wanted to run away. But she couldn’t take her eyes of him. It was like some kind of cruel joke, as though someone was almost forcing her to look at him when she’d managed to keep him out of her life for so long, and she was finding it very hard to understand.

  It took everything she had to turn away and this was something that hadn’t gone unnoticed by everyone around them, because everyone knew their history and everyone was waiting to see what their next step would be. This is what the commotion was all about. They were the commotion.

  “India ...”

  His voice cut through her like a knife. It had been so long since she’d heard him talk to her. So long since she’d heard him say her name.

  She turned back around but she didn’t move.

  “It ... it’s good to see you,” he said, unable to take his eyes off her. She was still so beautiful, still the same India he’d fallen in love with. The same India he still loved now.

  She couldn’t say anything. No words would come out. It was like she’d gone into some kind of shock.

  “India ... how do you feel about your ex-husband being named as the director on your new movie?”

  She swung round as that question was asked, aware that photographers had somehow gotten wind of this unexpected and unwanted reunion as cameras were now going off all around her and Michael as they desperately tried to get the first picture of them together again in almost six years.

  “Director? I didn’t ...?” She was confused as she turned back around to look at Michael. “Is this true? Are you ... you’re the director?”

  “India, please, can we ...?”

  “We need to go, Ms Walsh.” The runner smiled at her, gently taking her arm. “We need to get you miked up for the interview.”

  India took one last look at Michael. He looked different, with the beard. He looked like a different man but she knew, deep down, she knew he was still the man that had hurt her. He was still the man she’d thought she’d never get over. He was still that man.

  Suddenly her whole world felt as though it had been turned on its head. She had no idea what to do, all she knew was that she had to get through tonight and she wanted to get through it without this affecting her, without Michael getting to her all over again, not when she’d managed to put him away in the back of her mind. Not when she’d managed to move on. It had taken her too long to achieve that to let him ruin it all.

  But she also knew it was now inevitable that this news would have already reached the studio floor, which meant this interview was now going to be twice as difficult as it had been before. And she needed to tell Kenny, she needed to tell him herself what had happened before he heard it from somebody else. He was the only one who knew the truth, the only one, and she couldn’t predict what he would do if he knew Michael was around.

  JJ was hanging around on the sidelines of the studio floor when she arrived. He was watching them set up for the interview, his hands shoved deep in his pockets as he paced the floor and she walked over to him, hoping she didn’t look as shaken as she felt.

  “You not sitting down yet?” she asked, trying hard to get her head around what had just happened, but there were so many things going on in there that she couldn’t really think straight. But she had to start. She had work to do.

  He looked at her. “Are you ok?” She seemed a little distant, upset even.

  She put her arms around his waist and he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close, kissing the top of her head.

  “Where’s Kenny?” she asked.

  “He’s over there.” JJ tilted her chin up so she was looking at him. “India ... what’s happened? Because something obviously has.”

  “It’s Michael,” she whispered.

  He narrowed his eyes. “Michael?”

  She looked at him, right into the beautiful eyes of her new husband as every memory of her ex-husband came flooding back, plunging her into a confusion she didn’t want and didn’t need.

  “He was here. I’ve just seen him, Joe. He was here.”

  “Who was here?” Kenny asked, coming over to them.

  India looked at him. He knew what Michael had done to her, why she’d never wanted to see him again. Joe didn’t. So Kenny had to hear this from her. He had to.

  “Michael.”

  “Michael?” For a brief second, one brief, fleeting second that hopefully JJ didn’t see, a look passed over Kenny’s face that concerned India, but he said nothing that gave anything away, much to her relief. She really didn’t need anything to kick-off now and Kenny could sometimes act without thinking. She had this interview to get through, and that was going to be tough enough now, given these new circumstances. What happened after that, though, she didn’t even want to think about.

  “Did you speak to him?” Kenny asked, watching her as she stayed wrapped in JJ’s arms, her hands down the back pockets of his jeans.

  “Not really, no. I haven’t seen him in almost six years, Kenny, it was a shock.” She broke away from JJ and turned to look at Kenny. “But there’s something else you need to know. The director for the movie it’s ... it’s Michael.”

  She’d turned away from JJ to throw Kenny a warning look, which he got immediately.

  “And how do you feel about that?” JJ asked India, saving Kenny from saying anything.

  She looked at her husband and shrugged. “To be honest, Joe, I just feel numb. I don’t know.”

  “India ...” Kenny started, but she threw him another look.

  “I don’t know how I feel about any of this at the minute, ok? I’ve not had time to get my head around it. I’ve got to get through this evening and I refuse to let him get to me. Those days are gone; I’m stronger than that now.”

  “Where was he going?” Kenny asked.

  JJ looked at him through narrowed eyes. “Why would that bother you?”

  India threw Kenny yet another look, which he received loud and clear.

  “I just wondered if he was still here.”

  “It looked like he was on his way out,” India said, taking JJ’s hand. “I’m not sure. Look, I don’t care, ok? Maybe this was always going to happen at some point and I’ve just been naïve to think it wouldn’t. The timing’s just a bit crap, that’s all. But I’m ok.” She looked at a worried JJ, smiling.

  “I’m fine, baby, really. I can deal with this.”

  “Ms Walsh? Sorry, but we really need to get you miked up now.” The floor manager smiled at her and she nodded, squeezing JJ’s hand.

  He kissed her slowly. “I love you.”

  She smiled at him. “Yeah. I kinda love you too.”

  As she walked away she threw Kenny another look that said “later”, and she could only hope that he’d say nothing to JJ. This really wasn’t the time or the place.

  But she couldn’t deny that seeing Michael like that had rattled her. Something had happened the second she’d looked at him and she couldn’t work out what that was or how she was really feeling. And that worried her.

  Michael Walsh; the father of her beautiful little boy and a man she’d once loved beyond anything or anybody. A man she’d once loved almost to the point of obsession. But he was a man she hadn’t seen or spoken to in almost six years and seeing him again had shaken her. More than she’d thought it would, because, in the back of her mind, she’d always known this day would come, the day when she saw him again. But the way it had happ
ened, how it had just come out of nowhere, that’s what had shaken her the most. Whether that was because she hadn’t ever wanted to see him again or because she’d only just realised that keeping him at arms length had been a mistake, she didn’t know. And she didn’t really want to find out.

  ***

  Michael had known she was going to be at the studios that evening. He’d overheard people talking about how she and JJ were turning up together, how excited everyone was to have her do this close up and personal interview here in the U.K. But he hadn’t really thought he would see her tonight, he hadn’t planned for it, he hadn’t expected it to happen and he hadn’t realised how much it was going to affect him. He hadn’t realised how much having her look at him after all this time would get to him.

  He hadn’t wanted her to find out about him directing the movie in quite the way that she had either. That particular announcement was supposed to have been happening tomorrow – that’s why he’d been at the studios today, recording an interview - but that was out of his hands now. She knew that he was back in her life and, in the long run, that was all he wanted. For now.

  Switching on the TV back in his hotel room he tuned in to India’s interview, sitting back and watching as his ex-wife spoke frankly and openly about her life, her face showing no signs of the obvious shock she’d experienced not an hour and a half ago. He watched her closely, looking at a face that was still so beautiful, listening as she spoke about their life together, how she’d loved him so much and it broke his heart to hear her use the past tense. She’d loved him. He was still in love with her. He always had been, and that would never change.

  She started talking about Ethan and her face lit up as she spoke about their son. Her eyes shone, her smile was real and Michael felt like crying because even that little boy, that beautiful, perfect little boy hadn’t been enough to keep them together, and it almost killed him when he thought about the life the three of them could have had together if only he hadn’t been so stupid. So jealous and paranoid and unbelievably stupid. But he had to stop dwelling on the past, he couldn’t change that. It was done. Over. He had to concentrate on the future; he had to think about that, about the possibilities that could bring.

  He turned up the volume as he got up and poured himself a drink. He could hear her laughing, that still familiar laugh that he’d heard so many times when they’d been together. He’d always been able to make her laugh, always been able to make her smile. Until he’d single-handedly brought all of that to a crashing end.

  He knocked back a large shot of whisky and immediately poured himself another one, turning back to look at the TV, and his heart lurched in his chest as he saw JJ sit down next to India, taking her hand. It was a small, insignificant gesture in the grand scheme of things but just the way she wrapped her fingers around his, absent-mindedly stroking them with her thumb, it hit Michael like a slap across the face. She was looking at JJ as he talked about how they’d met, how much in love they were, her eyes saying so much as she looked at her new husband and Michael just wanted to look away, he couldn’t bear it. It was the most painful thing he’d ever experienced. And then it happened; they were telling the interviewer how, just a couple of weeks ago, they’d got married in a secret ceremony at their home in Los Angeles and JJ was putting the ring back on her finger and kissing her gently and even though Michael had known it was coming, he’d known they were going to do this tonight, hearing it out loud and seeing the way she looked at JJ as he told everyone India Walsh was his wife, hearing that, seeing it, it made it real. It made that obstacle taller and harder to get over, but not insurmountable. It wasn’t impossible; he had to keep telling himself that. It wasn’t impossible.

  She’d loved him once, she’d said so, right there on national TV, she’d said that she’d loved him so, so much, and she could do that again, surely. Couldn’t she? She could love him again. He could change. Whatever it was she needed from him he could give it to her. He’d give her anything, she only had to tell him what to do. Whatever it took he could do it. All he needed to do was make her see that they still belonged together, that was all. She just needed to talk to him, she needed to be with him, she needed to see what they could still have together, and it would take time, he knew that, he wasn’t stupid. Of course it would take time. But they were going to be spending a lot of time together now, weren’t they? A lot of time. And once Ethan got here and saw his mommy and daddy together, surely then she’d see? It was that thought that Michael held onto. That hope that he couldn’t let go of. Because hope was all he had left now.

  ***

  Ray hadn’t really wanted to watch the interview but something had made him switch it on, and once India had appeared on screen he couldn’t take his eyes off her. She was the most compelling, the most captivating woman he’d ever met. Before that night - that incredible, mind-blowing but ultimately painful night - he’d never really given her that much thought. He’d always admired her talent, always harboured a desire to work with her, and yes, he’d always thought she was beautiful. That went without saying. But until he’d actually met her he hadn’t realised how much of an enigma she really was. She got under your skin; she took you over and never let that grip loosen and no matter how hard you tried to pretend it wasn’t happening, it was. And she never let you forget that.

  She was speaking extremely candidly about her life there on the TV screen, speaking about her relationships, and Ray almost felt cheated that he’d never get a mention, despite the fact something had happened between them. Something. It was such a small word for something so big. What had gone on between them was etched in his mind forever and he knew she’d never forgotten it either. It was there, it was always there and they couldn’t avoid it now. They were family. They were linked, they were a part of the others lives now and they couldn’t change that. It wasn’t ideal, under the circumstances, but they were going to have to deal with it. Ray just didn’t exactly know how yet.

  He closed his eyes and rested his head back against the chair, thinking back to that night five years ago. He’d been working in London and was at a TV studio doing promotion work for his new movie, which was exactly what India had been doing too. He remembered looking at her as she’d sat in the green room, alone with her thoughts, idly flicking through a magazine, but he’d sensed the loneliness in her. He’d known she was in the middle of divorcing Michael Walsh at the time, he’d known she was away from her baby and he’d known there was no Kenny Ross by her side. Had he used all of that to his advantage? Knowing how vulnerable she’d been at the time? He didn’t know, he didn’t want to try and analyse what had happened and why. What was the point?

  She’d seemed tired, he remembered that too. He’d sat next to her and introduced himself and she’d smiled at him, a visible sign of relief spreading across her face. He’d been a friendly English voice and she’d welcomed his company.

  He remembered how that smile had reached her amazing blue eyes, she’d been genuinely happy to have him talk to her, just small talk, that’s all it had been in the beginning but she’d been happy to jut sit back and talk about everything and nothing.

  Then she’d had to go and speak to the waiting journalists and he’d thought that had been it, that she was gone, out of his life. But just a couple of hours later he’d seen her again, in the hotel close to the TV studios. She’d been sitting at the bar by herself, that same feeling of loneliness exuding from her but this time, when he’d looked at her and their eyes had met, that’s all it had taken. Just one look, one look that had told him exactly what was going to happen next.

  He’d left the bar first, after slipping her his address on the back of a coaster, knowing she’d follow him. Leaving together – or even staying in the hotel – it would only have drawn unwanted attention to them and that wasn’t what either of them had wanted. They hadn’t spoken a word in that hotel bar but they’d both known instinctively what the other one had wanted. Each other. That’s all they’d wanted. Each other. A night
of no strings, no holds barred, no questions asked sex and they’d got that, beyond anything they’d ever imagined they’d got that.

  She’d walked through his front door and the world as they’d known it had stopped turning. Everything had stood still while they’d lived out every fantasy, every wild, uninhibited, incredible fantasy they could think of over a number of hours with no sleep, no stopping to catch breath, no talking. They hadn’t needed to speak, hadn’t wanted to talk, there’d been no need.

  Even now he could remember every detail of every act they’d undertaken. He could remember every inch of her perfect, naked body as she’d stretched out on his bed and let him do the things he’d done to her. He remembered every touch, every kiss; his mouth, his fingers, his tongue exploring everything and everywhere but it was only supposed to have been one night, a night where two strangers had come together in a way that only happened in dreams. That’s all it was supposed to have been. Just one night. What had happened after that was something neither of them had looked for.

  Like they’d agreed, he’d tried to forget it and it had worked, up to a point. He’d put her to the back of his mind. But then she’d met his brother and that had changed everything. They’d been thrown together again, and that had to mean something, didn’t it?

  Ray pushed a hand through his hair and sighed. He didn’t want to hurt JJ. He didn’t want to do that but could he avoid it? Because he needed to talk to India. He needed to find out how she felt, how that night had left things. He had to do that now he had the chance and then maybe, finally, he could move on too.

  ***

  With the interview over, next came the job of answering the barrage of questions being thrown at them about their marriage before they could even begin to think about getting back to the hotel but Bobby, as usual, was the ultimate professional that he always was at times like this. He referred everyone back to their publicists while at the same time refusing to answer any questions on the subject of Michael directing India’s new movie. That wasn’t even up for discussion at the moment, not until she’d got her head around it all.