Captivated

by Leen Elle

  They all sipped coffee while the cookies baked and Sarah pulled out an old board game for them to play. The radio's special programs filled the room with festive music and Lilli laughed in delight as she beat Sam in all three games. Finally as midnight neared, Sam swung Sarah up and insisted upon a New Years Eve dance. Annie was next and then finally, he offered a hand to Lilli, who, though hesitant, accepted graciously.

  Sam smiled down at her in complete contentment. She felt wonderful in his arms, her hand fit perfectly in his and his arm pulled in all of her slim frame. Holding her as close as she would allow, he could smell the fragrance of her hair and again he felt himself captivated by her.

  When the song ended, he hated to let her go. His hand lingered for a moment and then he released her. She was flushed again, but something in her manner told him that the blush was not because of embarrassment, but another emotion entirely. Hope was building in Sam as it never had before. The temptation was to move quickly, but he knew if he had any kind of chance he would have to move at Lilli's pace, which for now, was slow.

  . . .

  Sam and Annie had stayed until almost one and Lilli was just now getting to bed at one-thirty after helping Sarah clean up from their small party. The entire evening had been more fun that she had ever imagined it would be, but one moment stood out in her mind more than the others. Being held in Sam's gentle but strong arms was like nothing she'd ever experienced. She fought herself to keep from pressing her nose into his chest, the smell of his cologne so compelling. That combined with his arms, strong chest and tender gaze, it was hard not to kiss him right then and there and even harder to remember his deception.

  Feeling as though she needed to get all of these thoughts out of her head, she reached for the journal that was currently beside her bed. She opened to the first page and re-read Sam's first letter before beginning her own.

  Dear Sam,

  I must admit, it's strange writing that new name at the top, and yet, you seem just like a Sam. I don't know that any other name really fits. I just wanted to let you know that I had a wonderful time tonight.

  I was so embarrassed when you came in and saw me in my pajamas, but throughout the night, pajamas just seemed to fit the fun. Your sisters really are wonderful and I'm so glad they were both here.

  I also wanted to thank you for the dance. The way you looked at me made me feel like I was in the ball gown instead of an old sweater. Last New Years Eve, I dreamt of dancing with you someday, my dream was nothing to the reality.

  I hope you can understand my feelings Sam and how confused I am. In reality, you're wonderful but in the back of my mind lingers the memory of your deliberately keeping something from me. Please don't think I mean to take back my forgiveness, because I don't, I'm just finding forgetting an entirely different matter. I want to forget, and I will continue to try to do just that.

  The one thing I don't think I could ever have done was forget I loved you. After we talked in the coffee shop, I was shocked, but I knew you were the man I loved. The tenderness in your eyes, the way you ate your pie, the gentle way you slipped your arm around my shoulder. Somehow, I knew you were going to tell me that Joe was dead, but that he hadn't been writing me all the time. As I tried to stay angry, I still found myself thinking about you. Part of me was overjoyed to see you that day in the orchard and another part of me was terrified. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but if it doesn't, then you are right where I am. Thanks for being so wonderful, understanding and patient.

  All My Love,

  Lilli

  Chapter 24

  March 17, 1945

  Lilli hummed happily as she walked slowly through the orchard. It was still fairly cool, but spring seemed to be creeping up on them. Leaves had begun to show on the trees and Lilli had been spending her free time on the paths that lead to different sections of the orchard. It had become her favorite place. Usually, Sam found her somewhere along the path, making it an even better place.

  His limp had become less pronounced and his blonde hair was always sweeping across his forehead. Lilli couldn't help but smile whenever she saw him. They had been seeing more and more of each other since New Years Eve. Lilli spent evenings with his family and he took her to the theater and out for special dinners. He had gotten her a beautiful silver necklace for her twenty first birthday, and she was always happy to surprise him with some kind of pie.

  Her feelings had certainly grown for him in the past four months, feelings even greater than the ones she felt when they were exchanging letters. She documented all of them in letters that were written consistently in her journal. Despite the great strides she had made toward Sam, she still couldn't manage to forget the feeling of betrayal that hit when Sam admitted to being the man she was writing.

  She checked her watch, realizing that she needed to be home in ten minutes to take Grace while Sarah went for a routine doctors appointment. Quickening her pace, she made it back to the house with time to spare, but instead of finding Sarah bustling around the house in her usual sporadic way, she was sunken down on the couch, her eyes staring at a spot on the wall.

  "Sarah?" Lilli said softly, walking toward her, not bothering to take off her coat. "Sarah, you need to leave for the doctors."

  Lilli had just reached the sofa and saw that Sarah was clutching a piece of paper in her hand. Lilli sat down beside her, but Sarah didn't seem to notice. She tried to coax Sarah into talking, but still couldn't manage to get any kind of recognition. Gently, she pulled the paper from Sarah's hand, and flattened it on her own lap.

  WESTERN

  UNION

  MARCH 7, 1945

  DEAR MRS. HAWKINS,

  IT IS WITH DEEP REGRET THAT I INFORM YOU THAT YOUR HUSBAND, PRIVATE ROBERT HAWKINS HAS BEEN REPORTED MISSING IN ACTION. WHEN WE RECEIVE MORE INFORMATION, WE WILL BE IN TOUCH.

  CAPTAIN HUGH MACINTOSH

  "Oh Sarah!" Lilli threw her arms around Sarah and listened as she began to cry for the first time since she entered the cottage.

  Lilli sat with her arms around her friend, Sarah's sobs filling the room with noise. The collar of Lilli's coat was soaked with tears and she did her best to calm the harsh intake of breath that seemed to rack her body. Lilli did her best to calm her, but had to go get Grace after a while, picking out the infants cries over her mothers. Eventually, Sarah fell asleep, and Lilli was left with a happy Grace.

  Feeding her allowed Lilli to think as she never had before. Rob was missing, anything could have happened to him. He could be a prisoner of war, dead, injured to the point of not being recognized, or alive somewhere with a different command and no way to contact his wife. Suddenly memories of the days without hearing from Sam flooded into her mind. She was beside herself with grief, unsure of whether Sam was dead or alive, spending every spare moment praying for his safety.

  Sam could have died, and she would have never known the truth, would have never known that it was him that she had been writing all along. And wouldn't she had grieved over his death when she found out? Of course, she would be crying out Joe's name, but it would be Sam's soul that she would always love. It would have been him she had missed, not Joe, never Joe. Joe was a womanizer, and she would have stopped writing to him had he survived any longer than he had.

  Tears welled in her own eyes as she realized how foolish she had been. She was still punishing the man she loved for doing something foolish, something he regretted, something he had apologized for. He had proved that he wasn't a liar, or deceptive. She had seen his true colors from the moment he stepped off the boat. Surely he could have never told her the truth, told her Joe had died and then been the shoulder for her to cry on. But he came clean, immediately, knowing it could cost him the woman he loved.

  With Sarah still sleeping and grief stricken, she pulled Grace out of the chair she was sitting in and put her right into her jacket. Scribbling a note for Sarah in case she woke, and grabbing her journal, Lilli left the small cottage baby in arms and had all she could do
not to run to the big house. She knocked on the door, bouncing anxiously on the small porch, waiting for someone to answer. Annie was there with a smile a moment later instantly inviting Lilli in.

  "Are you busy Annie?" Lilli asked in a rush, not even waiting until both feet were inside the door.

  "Well, I was doing homework, but if you have something more fun..."

  "Could you watch Grace? Just for a little while? Sarah is taking a nap, and I really need to see Sam, it's important," Lilli pleaded.

  "Sure, is everything alright?"

  "Not exactly, nothing life threatening, but I really need to talk to Sam, I'm sorry Annie is that alright?"

  "Will you tell me later?"

  "Yes," Lilli promised.

  "Then it's fine, here give me that baby, she is much more fun than homework." Annie opened her arms and Lilli passed her off. She raced toward the door, then turned back toward Annie, a near frantic look on her face. Annie laughed, "He's in the barn."

  Lilli wasted no time, not even saying thank you to Annie. She raced toward the barn, speeding through the beauty of the trees around her. By the time she reached the barn, she was panting. Searching the large expanse of the barn, she didn't see Sam's tall frame anywhere. She was about to leave, when she heard his familiar whistle coming from somewhere. "Sam!" she yelled, her eyes sweeping every corner.

  "Lilli?" his head came from behind a large tractor. There was a streak of grease under his left eye, and his skin glistened with perspiration. A smile split across his face as she came into view, but seriousness came soon after. "What's wrong?"

  She ran into his arms, clinging to his neck. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry for treating you the way I did. I'm sorry for not wanting anything to do with you, and I'm sorry for making you promise to stay away from me. I'm sorry I've made you prove yourself again and for doubting you for as long as I have, can you ever forgive me?"

  "Forgive you? Lilli, you've done nothing wrong..."

  "Yes I have! I promised I would love you no matter how you returned, and I was so angry with you..."

  "Lilli, I lied to you, I pretended like I was someone else, you thought you couldn't trust me." he lifted her chin, and she looked at him through glassy eyes. "I hope I've proven that you can."

  "You have, you have! You've been so patient and understanding and kind, I don't deserve you."

  "Yes Lilli, you do. I love you, and all you have to do is be you to deserve that."

  "I love you Sam," she sighed, her eyes taking in all of his handsome face. A hand reached up to brush his hair out of his eyes. Sam's eyes softened, entwining his hand in her hair. His head lowered and he pressed a kiss onto her lips for the first time. She sighed softly and tightened her own grasp on his neck. It was like nothing she'd ever experienced, kissing the man that she loved. Something about it was freeing and incredibly extraordinary.

  Sam pulled away, concern re-appearing on his face, "What happened? Why now? When you came into the barn you looked like something..."

  "Rob is missing in action. Sarah just got the telegram, I found her sitting in stunned shock in the living room. I got to thinking that it could have been you. Anything could have happened to you over there, and when you were hurt, I thought you were gone. And yes, I might have mourned Joe's name, but it would have been you that I missed. Your humor and charm, your dreams and ambitions, all of you. I finally understood that it didn't matter, all that matters is that I love you, and that I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

  "Does that mean you'll marry me?" Sam asked with a hopeful smile.

  "Yes, but I hope that wasn't your way of asking, you know a girl dreams her whole life of that question," she said innocently, letting him kiss her again.

  "I'll find a better way to ask, I promise, but you could start telling Gracie that you're Aunt Lilli."

  "I like the sound of that, Aunt Lilli."

  "Do you know what I like the sound of?" he asked playfully. Lilli rested her chin on his chest and shook her head. "Lilli Carter."

  Lilli popped up to her toes and pressed her lips to his again. She loved the protective warmth of his arms and wished she had allowed herself to take this step months ago. Finally, she pulled out of Sam's arms, knowing they couldn't spend the entire day this way. "We need to go see Sarah, she needs you. But, when you find yourself alone, will you read this?" She passed him the leather bound journal, he took it, piercing her with the most tender gaze. Together they walked hand in hand toward the cottage and Sarah.

  Chapter 25

  March 2, 1945

  Sam spent the entire day with Sarah and Lilli. He was there as a shoulder to cry on, and Lilli took care of everything, making dinner, bringing tissues, wrapping blankets tightly around his sisters shoulders. She was the picture of helpfulness and care. Just watching her move through the small house, knowing exactly what to do, made Sam fall more deeply in love with her. For the first time in weeks, he allowed his mind to wander to what life would be like with Lilli by his side.

  When he finally made it home, he went straight to his bedroom, not wanting to tell his family about the events of the day just yet. Tomorrow would certainly be soon enough to let his parents know that Rob was missing. After all, it seemed like Sarah could use a nights sleep without everyone calling to see how she was doing, and he knew Lilli would take good care of her. Without wasting any time, he slid out of his clothes and into his pajamas. Propped up against his pillows, he opened the leather journal and fanned through the pages, he saw Lilli's penmanship on more pages than he expected.

  The very first letter brought a smile to his lips, New Years Eve. He remembered her hesitation to dance with him, and was happy to discover that she had actually wanted to. His eyes moved slowly along to the next entry, enjoying every word she had taken the time to write.

  Dear Sam,

  I had so much fun with Kate and Wes tonight! I am so glad you talked me into going to the restaurant with them. I think they fit together perfectly! Kate smiles constantly, and the way Wes looks at her, let's just say, you don't need to wonder if he really loves her, it's obvious that he does. Do you look at me like that? Whenever I catch your eye, you give me a smile that makes my pulse quicken, but when I don't notice, do you look at me like Wes does, with your love showing on your face? Maybe it's a secret that girls aren't supposed to know about, but I have to admit my feelings would only increase if I knew that was how you looked at me.

  I think I told you at the coffee shop that I thought you were dead, because Joe never mentioned you. Of course I know now that you never mentioned yourself. When you sent the picture, my eyes were fixed almost permanently to Joe's face. I would look at him when I woke up, and again before I went to sleep. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I am getting to the point I am trying to make. One day Viv came over, and I showed her the picture, and she thought you were the cutest. After our meeting, I couldn't keep my eyes off of you in the picture. It made so much sense that the words were coming from you, if I had only taken the time to look at all the faces in the picture, maybe I would have figured out that you were the one writing.

  I don't know why I said all of that, perhaps that was more of a journal admission than something I would normally write in a letter. I am so thankful for you Sam Carter, I don't know how I let not talking to you go so long. I love each and every conversation we have. I don't think I realized how badly I missed you.

  All My Love,

  Lilli

  Dear Sam,

  Thank you for taking me around town today! I loved seeing your High School and the lookout. The sunset was breathtaking, but it wouldn't have been as breathtaking if you weren't sitting beside me. I feel so safe when you're near, your arm around my shoulder, the slight smell of your cologne. Have I ever mentioned that I think you smell wonderfully? You might think my admission funny, but smell has always been the thing I notice first. And I think you have the perfect smell.

  Sometimes I think you are too wonderful to be true. I know you've tal
ked about never having a girlfriend, but it's hard to believe. Not because I don't believe you, but because I can't imagine that girls weren't after you! I am sure you were highly sought after when you were in high school. I can only imagine how many girls talked about you at their lockers at the end of the day. And to think, you like me, love, me! It's enough to make me nearly giddy. I don't know what it is that you see in me, but I'm so glad you see it.

  All My Love,

  Lilli

  Dear Sam,

  I miss you! I know that you had to go with your dad, to wherever it is you went. But, I have been thinking about you all night. Somehow I was still expecting you to knock on the door and sweep me off to dinner, or for a walk in the orchard. It's incredible how much you fill my thoughts. When I sleep, I see you smiling at me. I never tire of that smile. I wonder if you are ever angry or sad. You've certainly had the opportunity to be angry with me, and yet, you never have been. Thank you for never giving up on me.

  Love,

  Lilli

  Dear Sam,

  Seeing you today was like an early Christmas! I can not tell you the excitement I felt when I first saw your tousled blonde hair! You make me so happy Sam Carter, I can't tell you how much. How could I have ever thought myself in love with Joe. Even on our first date, I should have known that he was a charmer and a ladies man. I should have known that very night that when I couldn't imagine a life with him, it meant something. But with you, I can always imagine our future. It always plays out so wonderfully in my mind, especially now that I have seen this orchard and know your family. To think, Grace will be my very own niece, and I'll get to watch her grow up even after Rob comes home!