Dreamspinner

by Merita King

  “You enjoying your time here?” Hank asked.

  “Yeah, very much. You don’t realise what you’re missing until the opportunity is taken away.”

  Hank and Enrique exchanged a glance.

  Tearan noticed and frowned. “What? What was that look about?”

  “I guess we take it for granted that we can come down here and enjoy ourselves whenever we want,” Enrique replied. “You and the other volunteers have been stuck aboard the Novosentia for weeks and don’t have the choices we have. I guess I feel bad about it.”

  He blushed and Tearan grinned. “Thanks, man.”

  During dinner that evening, Tearan learned that he had been invited to attend the meeting the next day, to speak about his experience of the Dreamspinner Project. He was nervous about it and it showed.

  “They just want to ask a few questions about the project from a volunteer’s point of view. It’ll only be an hour or so at the most and it’ll give you a chance to speak your mind and tell them what you think we can do to improve the experience for others like you. You don’t have to do it; you can say no if you don’t want to.”

  Their faces were stern, Tearan noticed and felt himself shrink inwardly from their imposing presence. The twenty-four men and women sat in a semi-circle before him and without knowing why, he began to tremble in fear. A hand on his shoulder almost had him leaping from his seat and running from the room. He felt sweat beading on his brow and he swallowed the proffered glass of cool water in one go.

  “Good morning, Tearan,” a solidly built man of middle years said as he stared into his eyes. Tearan smiled nervously in response. “We twenty-four before you are those who pay for what you’ve experienced over the past few weeks. We do this because we believe this will be of positive benefit in the not too distant future. We know what all the scientists are telling us, but we want to know what it’s like from your point of view. You are the ones at the sharp end of this experience. It is you who will bring about any success or failure, so we need to ensure everything that can be done is being done. We’re not here to interrogate you or anything sinister like that. We want you to tell us, in your own words, what life has been like for you since you woke up aboard the Novosentia.”

  Tearan swallowed hard. “Okay, I guess I can do that. What exactly do you want to know?”

  The shuttle headed up into the light cloud and Tearan watched the military base shrink beneath him. He had enjoyed the week away from the Novosentia, even speaking at the meeting was a positive experience, he thought. The twenty-four quickly proved themselves benign and genuinely interested in his experience and he hoped his words would make a positive difference to future volunteers. Despite continuing to have disturbing and violent dreams alongside the pleasant ‘Tearan Lindo’ dreams, he had become used to their presence. Although frightening for them whilst in the midst of them, he found they faded quickly upon waking. The holiday had served to refresh him and he knew he had many happy memories that would stay with him for the rest of his life. The change of routine and environment also helped to clear his mind about how he would proceed with regard to the dreams and he decided to announce to Hunter that the disturbing ones had stopped. He wanted to know about his original personality and felt instinctively that it held the key to his dreams. If he was to continue as Tearan Lindo and leave any troubles from the past behind, he had to reconcile himself to that past, whatever it may contain. A little subterfuge would not hurt, he surmised.

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  17

  Tearan returned to his duties a security guard aboard the Novosentia refreshed and with a new purpose. The daily tests continued; he answered the questions, put up with the brain scans and tried not to complain. As days became weeks, his dreams settled into a regular pattern, with one of the violent dreams every three or four nights. Although the pattern continued with reliable regularity, he slowly began to report a lessening of the violent dreams. He thought it best to pretend that they reduce slowly, rather than trying to convince Doctor Hunter that they had ceased completely all of a sudden. When he had not reported one of the violent dreams for two weeks, he risked asking Hunter about his prognosis.

  “I haven’t had any of the bad dreams for a couple of weeks now, Doctor. This has to be a good sign, yes?”

  “Yes indeed it does. It’s a very good sign.”

  “So does this mean I’m anywhere near being at the end of this procedure? When do I get to live a normal life, out there? When do I get to find out about the old me?” Tearan pointed out of the window into the void.

  Hunter gazed out of the viewing window as he thought about the question. Tearan did not want to push the point for fear of appearing obsessive, so he waited patiently while the doctor pondered. “I’ll level with you, Tearan. I’m worried about taking the next step.”

  “Why?”

  “Because we’ve not had someone take the procedure in the way you’ve done.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “The violent dreams.”

  “But they’ve stopped.”

  “So you say, but that’s not the problem.”

  “Then what is? I’m sorry to push, but I want to know. How can I move forward unless I understand? This is me we’re talking about remember. I’m a person and I did volunteer for this. It’s not punishment that I have to submit to or anything, so I deserve the truth. I understood when you told me a few months ago that telling me about my old self might jeopardise the whole thing, but that was then and things have progressed since then. Cut me a little slack huh?”

  “Please believe me when I tell you that we only hold out on you to avoid you regressing and getting into difficulty. It is precisely because this is you we’re dealing with that we are being so careful. If we were using robots or cadavers, we would not need to be quite so careful. It is because we are aware that you volunteered for this, put your trust in us, that we are being cautious. Rushing it now and failing at this late juncture would not only be a damn shame after all this time and effort, but it might damage your mind and make further attempts difficult.”

  Tearan put both hands to his temples, closed his eyes and waited for the frustration he felt rising within, to dissipate. Hunter had a valid point and he found no adequate argument against him, so he had no choice but to resort to pleading.

  “Please, Doctor. I’ve put my faith in you and your people since I woke up here and I’ve never gone against any of your demands.”

  “Requests, Tearan, we have never demanded anything of you. At least I hope we haven’t.”

  “I’m sorry. I’ve gone along with every request. I’ve done the tests, answered the questions, slept with that uncomfortable hat on every night for weeks on end, and now I’m asking you to have a little trust in me. I’m Tearan Lindo, completely. I’ve told you my life history several times over, down to the finest detail and you’ve no doubt verified everything I’ve told you from my, umm his, records. I feel like Tearan Lindo. I can’t imagine being anyone other than Tearan Lindo.”

  “Then why the stubborn curiosity about the old you?”

  “Because he was who I was. I lived as him for thirty-three years until coming here. I’m alive and able to be here because of him. I have this new chance because of him and whatever the problems were that made this procedure necessary, he deserves some acknowledgement for his suffering. I feel like I killed someone. Maybe it was a mercy killing, but I can’t walk away without acknowledging who I used to be. If I was a good person or bad, I have to know. To be able to leave him behind and move on whole. Please at least try to understand.”

  Hunter held Tearan’s eyes for several seconds as something passed between them. finally, he nodded and slapped the table. “Okay. I will meet with the team and discuss the matter this evening. I will let you know at the earliest opportunity.”

  “Thank you. That’s all I ask. At least stop putting it off and think about it.”

  Tearan entered and sat down. Having been aboard the Novosentia for many
months, he knew everyone and was on first name terms with most. He regarded a couple of them as real friends, but despite this familiarity, he was nervous and it showed. Sweat beaded on his brow and heat flushed across the back of his neck and under his armpits. Gently caressing his top lip with a finger to stop the twitching, he took several deep breaths to calm himself.

  “Are you sure you want to continue, Tearan?” Hunter asked. “We are here at your request and if you don’t wish to go on, we can stop and leave it for another day.”

  Tearan thought about it. Since finding out the truth about the Dreamspinner Project, his every waking moment had been filled with the need to know who he used to be. Everything he told Doctor Hunter the previous evening was true; he was Tearan Lindo right through to the marrow and that would never change. There was this aching hole deep inside where his old self used to be, that Tearan Lindo could not fill, would never fill. That hole hurt. Sometimes it hurt gently, like a dark spot deep inside that gently tugged. At other times, it hurt so much it shredded his insides and tore at his mind. Those moments found him bent over the toilet puking up his dinner, after which he would cry himself to sleep and the inevitably violent imagery of his dream. Despite what he told Hunter, Tearan knew that living with that hole unplugged was impossible. He would go mad with the pain of it and lose his second chance of life as Tearan Lindo. He would die twice yet still be alive as some raging thing driven mad with grief and pain. No, he knew he had to know, but that did not stop him being nervous about what he was to find out.

  “I want to continue. This is the only way I can move forward with one hundred percent of my focus.”

  Hunter looked at each of his colleagues in turn, then at Tearan. “Okay, what do you want to know?”

  Tearan looked instinctively at Doctor Melissa Frost, whom he always felt to be the most open, honest, and compassionate. “Who was I? Y’know, before.”

  “Your name was Dosmik Lolien. Does that ring any bells?”

  Tearan said the name over and over, but it felt foreign to him. He did not know whether to be pleased or disappointed. “No. It means nothing to me. I guess I was expecting some kind of feeling, but it’s like you told me anyone’s name.”

  “That’s wonderful,” Doctor Danvers said as he wrote furiously on a pad in front of him. “Believe me, Tearan, that is just what we wanted to happen.”

  “Can I see a picture of me, as I was back then?”

  “Sure,” Doctor Hunter said and opened a thick file. He slid a photograph across the table and Tearan found himself gazing into a photograph of himself.

  He laughed. “But that’s me.”

  “Of course it’s you, Tearan,” Melissa replied, the corners of her eyes crinkling. “It’s your personality that has changed not your body.”

  Tearan blushed. “Sorry. That was stupid.”

  “No it wasn’t,” Danvers said. “Nothing you feel is ever stupid and don’t you forget that. You are experiencing something only a handful of others have experienced, something we still know precious little about. You are teaching us something valuable each and every day and nothing you feel is ever stupid. You are struggling to understand something so incredible, so hugely out there that it’s a wonder you cope with this whole amazing thing so well.”

  “Thanks. So I was Dosmik Lolien?” The question was aimed at Melissa Frost again.

  “Yes.”

  “What did I do? What kind of man was I?”

  Melissa hesitated for a split second and Tearan knew that meant he was not going to like what he was about to hear. Instantly, Melissa regained her composure. “You came to the Dreamspinner Project from Fila Dostil Penitentiary, Menaskil Island, Arlenika Prime. You were a prisoner there and volunteered for the Dreamspinner Project in return for a reduction in sentence.”

  Tearan’s eyes misted over until a thick white fog enveloped him. His heart thudded in his chest as the aching empty hole inside, twisted painfully. The blood rushed in his ears as he gasped for breath and waited for the fog to clear. When it did, he found a hand clasping his and an arm around his shoulder. The hand belonged to Melissa; the arm was Danvers’ and gripped him with surprising strength.

  “Take your time, Tearan,” Hunter said as he placed a mug of something hot in front of him. “Remember, we can stop anytime you want. Just say the word and this is over.”

  “I was a criminal?”

  “Yes.” Danvers said as he returned to his seat.

  “What did I do? Was I inside for a long time? Did I hurt someone?”

  “Tearan, I really think we should...”

  “What did I do?” Tearan repeated, his voice raised significantly.

  “You killed someone.” Melissa’s voice drew Tearan’s gaze and everyone else faded from sight. For long moments, silence hung between them as their eyes held each other’s gaze. “Dosmik Lolien killed someone and went to prison. He was sentenced to be executed for the crime and was offered the chance to avoid the death penalty by volunteering for the Dreamspinner project.”

  “You say that like it was someone else who did it.”

  “It was. You are Tearan Lindo, serving member of the IGEC with an exemplary record.”

  “But I was him. This Dosmik Lolien was me.”

  “And he has served his punishment for his crimes,” Hunter said. “You said it yourself many times that it feels like your old self was killed and he has been. Besides, Tearan Lindo has killed. In the line of duty of course.”

  Tearan sniffed. “So you take one killer and turn me into a different kind of killer.”

  “Believe me, Tearan, there is a world of difference between Tearan’s killing and Dosmik’s.”

  “Who did he kill?” It was several seconds before Tearan realised he had referred to his old self in the third person. When he did, he was surprised. “I said he, not me.”

  “Of course you did,” Hunter said. “Dosmik Lolien was another person. You are Tearan Lindo and as far as your mind is aware, you’ve always been Tearan Lindo.”

  “So who did he kill?”

  “His wife and children,” Danvers said.

  “His wife, she was called Elestra?” Everyone nodded. “No wonder I dreamt of her and felt so connected. Why have I never dreamed of children though? Why kill a child? That is the sickest thing imaginable.” Tears ran down Tearan’s cheeks. “I’m sorry I did that, when I was him. I don’t care what his excuse was, I’m sorry. He killed kids? What can anyone possibly say to make that right?”

  “There is never anything right about murder,” Hunter said. “That’s why Dosmik was sent to prison and that’s why he received such a severe penalty. No one will ever say we’re trying to lessen the severity of his crimes by having you on this project. He was sentenced to die and he has died. His personality was wiped from his body, wiped from the universal consciousness if you want to be poetic about it. Either way, he has served his sentence.”

  “Why did he kill them?”

  “He met her when she was dating his childhood friend. They were attracted to each other and she left the friend for Dosmik. A few months later, their daughter was born and they married when she was a few months old. When she was six years old, the child became ill and had to go into hospital, where it was discovered that her DNA did not match Dosmik. He confronted Elestra, who admitted that the child had been conceived before she had left Dosmik’s friend. When she later admitted that she had known at the time she was pregnant, but chose to keep the fact from Dosmik, he became enraged. He had always been a little on the possessive side and this made him more paranoid than ever. He also chose to assume that their infant son was the product of secret liaisons between her and this childhood friend. His own mother had cheated on his father, and Dosmik knew the effect it had upon him. It drove him further over the edge and he murdered them all one night after hours of noisy rows that kept the entire street awake.”

  Tearan sobbed openly for the lives lost at the hands of the man he used to be, the monster of a man who was not
fit to be alive in his opinion. Inside, the black and aching hole he believed would forever remain an open wound and which brought him such anguished dreams, melted away forever. The man who sat at the table with tears on his cheeks was now Tearan Lindo completely, wholly, fully.

  “He cut her up didn’t he?” he asked and Hunter nodded. “And that’s why I never dreamed of the daughter, because she wasn’t his. How did he kill her?”

  “He drugged her and then suffocated her with his bare hands before cutting off her head. She was not aware of suffering, the level of drugs in her body made her totally unconscious. She just went to sleep and never woke up.”

  “And the infant? What happened to him? All that stuff Doctor Arma wrote on the walls of the medical bay. It wasn’t crazy ramblings was it? It was Dosmik’s memories.”

  “Yes,” Hunter admitted. “The infant was also drugged first. He would not have been aware of anything happening.”

  Tearan was glad of that at least. “Of course, it makes sense he would do that.”

  “What do you mean?” Danvers asked.

  “His anger was directed to Elestra, not the children. It was his wife who had betrayed him, not them. His killing of the children was not driven by rage, as it was with Elestra. No, they were simply in the way, a loose end he did not want to have to deal with. Single fathers don’t bring up children on Arlenika; it simply isn’t our custom. If a mother dies, the father puts the children with other female family members. He pays for them, visits them and has as much contact with them as he always did, but he never raises them alone. The daughter was not Dosmik’s natural child and he believed the son wasn’t either, so placing them with family members was out of the question; it would be a burden they did not deserve. He obviously felt the only possible option was kill them too. In his twisted mind, he probably felt he was being compassionate to everyone’s place in the situation.”