Broken Melody (Graffiti On Tour Series)

by Jennifer Miller

  Opening my eyes, I look at the page I opened my notebook to that contains the lyrics I wrote. Taking a deep breath, I picture in my mind the exact source of my song. I tap into the heartache and pain that resides within me, and sing the chorus. At first, they’re nothing more than words, and I stutter over them, over myself, having no idea what I’m doing, or how I want anything to sound. But after singing the words over and over again, they eventually turn into something. Adding music to the words of my heart makes them seem tangible and turns them into fluid motion. They may not be perfect or flow exactly right just yet, but they’re mine.

  Feeling my emotions start to bubble up inside of me, I let my fingers fall from the piano keys and lay in my lap. The silence in the room feels deafening. Memories assault my mind and I remember the day I felt empty, broken, and lonelier than I ever thought possible. My eyes close again, as if doing so helps fight the pain of remembering the day I packed up my minimal things and left my home forever. Home - such a foreign word when the things that used to define it are no longer there. I haven’t had a home since I was thirteen years old. My space with Britt now is the closest I’ve come to it in years. But, they say home is where the heart is. If I don’t know where my heart is anymore, if I’m not even sure my heart works like it should half the time, then how can I ever be home again?

  Opening my eyes, I startle when I see Maddox standing inside the door staring at me. A look of concern, sadness, apprehension, and I’m not sure what else is on his face. His eyes widen when mine find his, “I, uh, I didn’t want to interrupt,” he says.

  “It’s okay. I’m sorry. Don’t mind me,” I tell him embarrassed at having been caught during such an emotional moment.

  He moves to me and I quickly close my notebook before he can see what I have there, although it’s silly considering he may have heard everything anyway. I have no idea how long he’s been standing in the doorway. Without a word he moves to sit on the bench and I slide to the side giving him room. Hesitantly, he reaches a hand toward my face and brushes it with the slightest touch of his thumb against my skin. When he pulls his hand away, I notice wetness from a tear on his finger.

  “What’s wrong?” he asks me, his voice quiet, his eyes on the tear frowning as if the mere sight of it offends him.

  “Nothing. I’m fine,” I tell him quickly.

  His jaw clenches and he looks me in the eyes for longer than comfortable. Then to my shock he brings his thumb to his mouth and kisses it. My eyes couldn’t look away from his lips if I tried. I can almost feel his lips upon my cheek instead of on his own finger, which is maybe the point. Swallowing harshly, I try to force down the feelings that well within me. It doesn’t escape my notice that the same heart I was just reflecting on, the one that always feels dormant and lost, is now beating like a drum against my chest. That seems to be happening a lot since I met Maddox Colt and I’m not sure what to make of it.

  “Hey guys,” Rocco says when he walks in the room. Maddox stands from the piano bench and walks to the usual spot he takes across the room. I appreciate the action, for it allows enough of a distraction to minimize the likelihood that he will notice anything is amiss and inquire if something is wrong.

  Doing my best to compose myself I discreetly wipe at my face, rise, and move easily to my usual seat, “Good morning,” I tell Rocco and attempt a smile. He doesn’t notice though, his face is buried in his phone.

  Nixon and Henley aren’t far behind Rocco and to my surprise Jace walks into the room. “Sailor, hi!” he says enthusiastically and his smile is so wide and happy that I can’t help but smile at him in return.

  “Hi, Jace. You’re joining us today?”

  “Absolutely. I had hoped to be here before now, but things have been busy getting you guys all set for the tour. Lots of interviews and fun stuff lined up!” he says rubbing his hands together.

  “Can’t wait to find out what you’ve arranged,” I tell him trying to ignore the mix of nerves and excitement I’m feeling at his words.

  “Besides, I made it in time for the good stuff. I love sitting at the sound panel while they record and then getting to hear the final tracks. This is going to be great.” He walks up to me and I stand to greet him, ready to shake his hand, but he surprises me when he pulls me into a hug. “I haven’t seen you since you signed the contract, so I have to hug you and tell you congratulations and thanks for an opportunity to work with you too. I won’t let you down. I know the guys are thrilled to have you.”

  I look around at them my eyes catching Maddox’s who only has eyes for Jace. He’s frowning deeply. Looking back at Jace, I shrug, “Well they do a good job faking it anyway.”

  He shakes his head, “I doubt they have to fake a thing.”

  “Alright, let’s rock and roll,” Rocco says and at that we all jump into our schedule for the day. We perform some vocal exercises and then sing a song to add to the warm up. Other than that, we’re ready to go. We’ve already worked out any possible questions or concerns about melody, timing, and music. We’ve got everything down. Or at least I thought. When we get to the fourth song we’re recording today, ‘Fill Me Up,’ I keep screwing up the chorus. Something isn’t feeling right. “Maybe we should take a break,” Maddox suggests.

  “I don’t need a break,” I snap, my frustration at myself making me lash out. “Something about that part isn’t working for me.”

  “Why don’t we run through it again? You’ll get it. You got it fine before,” Maddox encourages, but maybe I’m spoiling for a fight. Maybe I’m embarrassed that he found me earlier in such a vulnerable position. Maybe I’m just pissed because I don’t understand the way he makes me feel when I’m around him. I barely know him, and half the time he’s kind of a douche and the other half I want to jump on him and rip his clothes off. It’s all ridiculous.

  “I said it isn’t working for me. Do I need to speak louder? I think we need to rework it. I’m thinking if we-”

  “No,” Maddox says loudly. “Not happening.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “It was working just fine yesterday, and all the times we sang it before that,” Maddox snaps back at me, and the truth is, I deserve it. I’m acting like a brat but I can’t seem to stop myself.

  “What’s your point?”

  “My point,” he practically sneers, “Is that we aren’t changing it. Not now.”

  “Yes, we are,” I insist and look at the other guys to help me, but none of them are looking at me. I get the feeling they agree with Maddox but don’t want to say so.

  “I said no. The time for us to have changed the music is over – that’s why we spent all the time we did practicing first, before recording. Either get it right, or don’t sing that part at all. We’ll do it without you.”

  “Fuck you,” I say pointing at him. “Who the hell do you think you are?”

  “I think I’m the guy that’s been part of this band since we formed it, that had the idea to start it. I’m the guy that isn’t going to be told what to do by some part time member we were forced to hire.”

  “Jesus,” Nixon curses and shakes his head.

  “Dude, seriously?” Henley says.

  “Whoa,” Rocco has his hands up in a surrender position. “Okay, enough. I think it’s time for a break. It’s lunch time anyway.”

  Without a word Maddox walks out of the room slamming the door behind him. I collapse into my seat and rub my temples. “I’m sorry,” I say quietly. “I’m sorry. He didn’t deserve that. I’m just feeling…off today. I’ll get it. I will.”

  “Yes, you will,” Nixon says kindly and I look at him and nod.

  “We’ve been putting in a lot of hours,” Henley says, “Don’t beat yourself up. But, Maddox is right, I’m sorry. Now is the time we lay it all down. That takes long enough given the times we have to run through it, repeat parts, record the various layers – there isn’t time to go back and change things.”

  I nod, “I understand. I’ll get it. When we come back from
lunch I’ll be ready to go.”

  “Great,” Rocco says.

  Standing, I grab my purse and dig around for my keys, “Sailor,” Jace says and I look up at him distractedly. “Would you go to lunch with me? I’ll drive,” he says holding up his keys and shaking them.

  “Yes, sure. That would be great.” I tell him although part of me wishes I could go sit in my car and cry my eyes out, but I know having a pity party of one won’t fix a thing. I immediately become concerned wondering if I’m about to experience my first lecture from Jace. I certainly could have chosen a better time for this argument.

  “Great,” he says and leads me out of the studio. When we’re in his car he asks, “Anything in particular you’re in the mood for?”

  “No, anything will do, I’m not picky.” He nods and we take off. It’s quiet at first and then I clear my throat, “Sorry. For what happened in there.”

  “You don’t have to apologize. Henley is right. I know you guys have been putting in a lot of hours, and the guys argue all the time. I think they’re just behaving around you. Usually at this point they’re all practically ripping each other’s throats out, so don’t worry about it.”

  I nod trying to figure out what else I should say, and silently exhale now that I know I’m not going to receive a lecture. I’m saved from thinking of something when Jace pulls into a parking lot and parks the car. “This is a hole in the wall Mexican food place that’s fantastic.”

  “Sounds good to me,” I tell him.

  We are seated and order in no time and my stomach rumbles loudly with impatience. The smells made me aware of just how hungry I am. “One of the reasons I asked you to come to lunch with me is because I want to talk to you about something,” Jace says.

  “Okay,” I reply feeling nervous again.

  “Don’t look so scared,” he laughs and grabs a chip and dunks it into salsa. “I want to talk to you about Maddox.” I remain quiet not sure what to say or think. “I’d like what I say to remain between us. I don’t make it a habit to gossip about the guys, and that’s not my intent here. But, I know you’re in a somewhat awkward position and you are no less my client than he is, so it seemed appropriate for the good of all.”

  “Ok. What about Maddox?”

  “Being hired to come into the band after they’ve been together for quite some time has several challenges. Knowing that you’re here to help them escape the hole they’ve dug themselves into…well… that Maddox helped dig them into… I can imagine you feel pressure, a bit out of place, and that you’re trying to navigate through it all.”

  “Yes, but I think I’m doing okay so far.”

  “You are, absolutely, that’s not what I mean. What I mean is that I want to give you a little bit of background. About Maddox.”

  “Okay,” I say hesitantly not entirely comfortable yet curious at the same time.

  “I thought about talking to you before, right after you signed the contract and contacted me, but then things became hectic like I mentioned before. Then, I sort of second-guessed myself about saying anything, and it got away from me. After today…well I think it’s a good time.” I take a sip of my drink and wait. “Maddox isn’t a bad guy.”

  “I don’t think that he is.”

  He holds his hands up, “No, and I’m not suggesting that you do. You see, I’ve known them all for a while, and Maddox is one of the coolest and kindest guys I’ve ever met. The guys are all still growing in their career, and I believe their time to really shine is forthcoming. Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t doing bad for themselves so far, but they’ve taken some steps back given the latest complications with Maddox.”

  “They’re doing great,” I tell him. “I would never tell them this, okay? So you have to keep a secret too.” He nods and smiles. “I’m a huge Graffiti fan. I knew all of them and their music before I auditioned. I researched them personally a bit, the label, you…but I was still aware of their hits and the fact they’ve had a record go platinum.”

  He smiles even wider, and right then our server delivers our food and we take a moment to dig in. “They did, and it was an exciting milestone. They became very popular, very fast. Especially Maddox. At first, it was fine. I mean, they were all kind of cocky at first. Posing for the cameras, craving the attention they were receiving, that kind of thing, but then last year, things changed.”

  “Because Maddox started getting in trouble?”

  “Yes. But, I think what’s important to say here is that Maddox isn’t some spoiled, shit-faced all the time, druggie rocker that’s gotten a huge ego and so he’s screwing off and thumbing his nose at basic decency. He’s actually working his way through a trauma and unfortunately is making some shitty choices along the way.”

  “A trauma?”

  He nods solemnly. “Without going into too much detail, I’ll tell you that someone he loves was brutally attacked and is in a coma. The likelihood she will come out of it is slim.”

  “Oh my god, that’s awful.”

  “It is. She was a girlfriend of Maddox’s and they stayed together for a little while when the band signed their record deal. Eventually, she got a job opportunity and moved away. They tried to maintain a long-distance relationship for a while, but the distance and the changes they were making individually in their lives didn’t make for an easy relationship.”

  I put my fork down my appetite dissipating. “No wonder he’s having some trouble dealing.”

  “Exactly, and for reasons that are private to Maddox, he blames himself.”

  “I don’t even know what to say.”

  “You don’t have to say anything. And I’m sorry that telling you this makes you feel bad. It’s not an easy story to tell or hear, but I wanted you to understand that Maddox’s actions are because he’s angry, dealing, and sad. We’ve been able to keep the story out of the press, so everyone thinks he’s just a rocker with a shit attitude, but it’s much more than that.”

  “I guess so,” I nod, still feeling at a loss for words.

  “Please be patient with him. I know that he’s an ass some of the time, but I swear underneath all that he’s a man that is decent, kind and good – an overall great guy. An even better friend.”

  I think of the moments I’ve seen exactly what he’s talking about. A sweetness and an almost vulnerability underneath the façade that Maddox hides behind half the time. I know what Jace is telling me is true - he is a good man. “Thank you for telling me. When I want to punch him, I’ll remember to have patience,” I smile at my joke.

  “Hey, I’m not saying that he doesn’t damn well deserve punched half the time, by all means punch him. It will probably be good for him,” he laughs and I join in. “I just thought maybe yes, it would make you tolerate his seemingly short tempered and ill-timed projections on you and the other guys. I also wanted you to know we didn’t bring you into the middle of an asshole rocker acting like a child type situation – it’s a bit more complex than that.”

  “No, it’s okay. I mean, I’m a big girl. I knew what I was getting myself into – well not this of course - when I agreed to join. I knew the band wasn’t exactly thrilled about adding someone, but I can damn well handle myself.”

  He smiles, “That you can. And I’m glad for it. No doubt you’ll need to do just that at times.”

  “No worries, Jace. I got this. And also, thank you for telling me.”

  He nods, and we change the subject talking about the tour, the songs we’re singing, practice for the tour next week and things we have to do like get fitted for wardrobe and do a photo shoot. All the while my thoughts keep straying to Maddox and the fact he’s dealing with a tragedy, and my heart goes out to him.

  She’s staring at me again. I’ve caught Sailor’s eyes on me a lot during the last week. Normally, I’d find this an unspoken invitation for some time between the sheets, but the look in Sailor’s eyes is anything but an invitation. It’s more like she’s looking into me, instead of just at me, trying to figure me out and
waiting for me to do or say something. But what? I’ve considered asking her what the deal is a few times, but that would only start an argument that I’m not interested initiating. In fact, I’d prefer to avoid it like the plague. And she’s seemed different, softer, meeker. Truth is I miss the sassy Sailor like hell. Talk about sexy. Sailor riled up is a memory that comes in handy – especially when I need some…uh…stress relief.

  We’re finished recording the songs for the album, other than the ones they want to record while we’re on tour. Rather than have all studio music, this time around they want to do a couple songs live, which is cool. Our first single comes out next week and we’re all pretty stoked about its release. We voted to release the single ‘Chaos’ first, a fast-paced song we anticipate will be played from dance club to dance club. It features both my and Sailor’s voices alone as well as some sweet harmony so people get a taste of the change, but can rest assured they’ll still hear some fantastic music and lyrics just like they’ve become accustomed. So new and old combined. We didn’t write this one, it was written for us with the intent of featuring Sailor and me in mind. However, there are plenty of new songs that we did write and they will be part of the album too. In my opinion, we outdid ourselves with this album and I’m quite proud of it. It’s different for us, a new sound. Perhaps, as much as I hate to admit it, the label was right about what we needed after all. We haven’t lost anything and all seem to becoming the best of ourselves in this new arrangement.