Good Enough (The Enough Series)

by Taryn Steele

  I can feel the burn already building in my chest. Twisting my long brown hair with my free hand, feeling the anxiety burning. It pains me to have to ask, just for the simple fact that I am a twenty-one-year-old who pays rent and has a curfew. That’s how much my own mother dislikes me.

  There’s a long silence on the line.

  “What time is your curfew, Hillary?”

  “But mom, we’re just hanging out at Dawn’s? Just give me till midnight and I’ll head home. It’s only a fifteen-minute drive.” I plead.

  “Stop whoring around town Hillary.”

  Her words immediately bite me.

  “Whores get raped and if you get raped I won’t feel bad for you.” She goes on. “Your curfew is 11:00 p.m. If you don’t want to get locked out of the house and have to sleep in your car, you better get home now.”

  I’m so pissed I don’t say anything and just hang up. Embarrassment, anger, frustration… it consumes me and I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I turn towards my friends and walk back to the picnic tables.

  Push it down. I tell myself. Don’t let them see you broken.

  “You okay?” Tess asks.

  “Yeah, I’m just tired. Long day. I’m gonna head home now actually.”

  “Me too, Tess.” I hear Jameson from behind me. “It was nice to meet you, Hillary. Hope to see you again.”

  “You too Jameson. I’m sure I’ll see you around.”

  I walk towards my car, wondering what I’d done in my short twenty-one years to make a mother despise her child so much that she doesn’t want her to enjoy her life with her friends.

  As I drive home, I think back to over-heard conversations, and remembering times my mom has called me ‘Heather’, her youngest sister’s name. I assumed it was because we both started with ‘H’. I heard stories of what it was like moving from the busy New York City life to the small country life, in Massachusetts for my mom’s family.

  My grandfather chose to move them all here for a simpler life and his painting business. My mom has an older sister Katy and an older brother Ronny. Heather was the youngest. She was only fourteen when they had moved to Massachusetts. It was the toughest adjustment for her. In her teens, she was into drugs and alcohol. From what I’d overheard my mother say in conversations about Heather’s therapy, Heather blamed my grandmother for her abuse. My grandmother then forever babied her, and my mother hated Heather for that. My Aunt Katy and Uncle Ronny have told me that my mom was the tattletale of the siblings. I am not surprised.

  You would think that since she has such a close relationship with her mom and loves her mom, she would want the same for her only daughter. She likes my brother Jerry though. I call him the golden boy; he can do no wrong. Ugh. I can feel the bile rise in my throat as I think about it.

  She has said she sees a lot of Heather in me and that’s why she accidentally calls me that sometimes. I guess she sees me as a hot mess. She assumes I drink and do drugs. Does she not believe me when I tell her I’m at Dawn’s drinking hot chocolate and smoking a cigarette? Does she think I’m drinking beer and smoking joints instead?

  “You were a mistake Hillary. I had your brother only three months prior.”

  Memorial Day Weekend, 2001!

  MY GOLDEN BOY BROTHER Jerry is graduating from college this weekend. I see the joy in my mother’s blue eyes as they shine and sparkle when she boasts about it to people. Then there’s me, the one who passed up the opportunity at Bay Path College to stay home and go to community college because I was rebellious in high school and my parents didn’t want to waste their money.

  I remember the day I had to make that choice.

  As Dad and I were both sitting in the garage on the back of his tailgate watching a thunderstorm pass by, he asked me about college. Dad’s not much of a talker, so I was taken back by his question.

  “So what are you going to do about college?”

  “I don’t know Dad. I guess I should be asking you. You and mom came to the decision that she would take care of Jerry and you would take care of me.” I remind him.

  “Well, since you no longer have a vehicle because you blew the engine in yours, how about this… instead of Bay Path, why don’t you try community college for a year and I’ll get you a car? Not a new one but I’ll find a good used one.”

  I hated not having my own car anymore. Being stuck in a small town. Trying to find rides back and forth to work. It was a struggle. I have to make a decision.

  Memorial Day weekend was party weekend at Jay’s house. I couldn’t wait. Bonfires and beer, and I had the whole weekend off.

  I’m hanging out with Lily, Bevan and Jameson at Dawn’s Coffee Depot today. I met Lily and Bevan through Tess. I really like Lily; she’s about an inch taller than my short five-foot-four frame, with shoulder length dirty blond hair, an infectious laugh, a fun personality and we hit it off right away. Lily and Bevan make a cute couple. She brings out his exuberance. Bevan is mysteriously quiet with his dark hair and dark eyes but Lily brings out the fun in him. When Bevan laughs you can’t help but join in because he has such a great smile, and laughs from him don’t come out often.

  “H-Bomb! Wassup?” Jameson yells as I arrive at Dawn’s. The pavement is black and slick from the rain we’ve been having off and on.

  “What? H what?” I question.

  “H-bomb. That’s your nickname. H for Hillary, and you da bomb.”

  “Oh-my-god!” I snicker. “Whatever you say, dude.”

  Jameson is such a dork, I think to myself. I’ve warmed up to him over the past few weeks. After our initial meeting at Dawn’s parking lot, we’ve chatted more and more, always around Tess and our other mutual friends. But he’s called me a lot lately, always late at night on his way in to work at his new job, when his shift starts. I’m usually going to bed around that time, so I just let it go to voicemail.

  “Where are you two chicken-heads headed to?” Bevan asks, snapping me out of my daydream. I don’t know Bevan very well; sure, we went to school together, but he was part of the “jocks” in high school, a group I didn’t have much to do with. Still, we’re friendly with each other.

  “I think we’re going to Amherst to get some good lawn chairs for the bonfire so we’re not standing all night, and then to the package store.” Lily replies.

  “Sounds like a plan. We’re going to get some pallets for Jay and then I guess we’ll meet back here later?”

  “Works for me guys. Let’s roll.” I boast.

  Lily and I have fun singing in the car in the twenty-minute drive to Amherst. The normal girly-girl talk. She mentions some of her girlfriends from her private high school are coming to the bonfire tonight. I’ve met them a couple of times. Nice girls, outgoing, like to party like catholic school girls do. Aside from them growing up with a lot more money than me I feel comfortable around them.

  “So, I hear Mike has been asking around about you,” Lily says, out of nowhere.

  “What? Mike Loman? Why?” My mind flitted to the boy I shared senior year English with.

  “Yeah. That’s what Jay told Bevan last night at Dawn’s.”

  Hmm… that’s news to me. I enjoyed flirting with him during English class a few years back but didn’t think much of it. He was cute, but not etting’ hot. He was a few inches taller than me, thin but not in a weird skinny boy way, short light brown hair, hazel eyes. He worked in the medical field delivering prescriptions or something, while living with his mom and little brother.

  We all meet back up at Dawn’s swapping party supplies into different vehicles. We say our good-byes and see-ya-laters, then I head back home to rest until party number one starts at 8:00 p.m. Mike is still on my mind.

  When I get home I hear a new voice coming from another room, which strikes me as odd because there weren’t any new vehicles in the driveway. I head down the narrow hallway of our raised ranch and see my grandmother in my parents’ bedroom with my mom.

  “Hillary! There you are!” She squawks with ar
ms raised up high to hug me.

  “Hi Grammy,” I say, with a fake smile spread across my face.

  I hug her gently.

  “Where have you been?”

  “Oh, just out running errands and stuff with my friend Lily. We were getting things ready for a bonfire tonight with friends.”

  “A bonfire? Well, that sounds like fun.”

  “Yeah it should be. It’s all weekend. Tonight, tomorrow night and Sunday night.”

  “Hillary.” My mom interjects. Her tone of voice stings as if she just slapped me. “Don’t forget your brother’s graduation tomorrow. We are leaving here at 10:00 a.m. sharp and you are going, no matter what.”

  Why wouldn’t I go? Just because I don’t have a close relationship with my brother doesn’t mean I wouldn’t go to his college graduation. I’m not an asshole, but I guess she thinks I am.

  I grate my teeth and breathe in deeply before I respond, trying to calm myself. “Yes, mother, I know.”

  I turn and walk towards my room, leaving my grandmother and mom behind, close the door and drop face down on my bed.

  I need a nap!

  “Why can’t you be more like your brother?”

  June 1, 2001

  JAY’S HOUSE IS IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. I’m not kidding, his driveway is a mile long track of dirt and rocks straight into nothingness. His dad, Matt, is at the top of the driveway taking keys, ever the responsible dad, making sure we don’t try to drive home hammered out of our senses. I get out of my car and approach him with a big smile, I love Jay’s parents.

  “Hillary, dear, lovely to see you! You drinking tonight?”

  “Yes, sir.” I hand my keys over and he drops them into a glass mason jar. “Is Shelly inside? I want to say ‘hi’, before I head down to the party.”

  “Yup, she’s in the living room with the dogs watching TV.”

  “Thanks.” I give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and head in to the house.

  “Helllloooooooo…?” I bellow as I open the front door.

  “Hi, sweetie. Get over here and give me a hug,”

  I’ve known Jay and his family forever. Jay and I went to elementary school together, and it’s always been a relief to come here where there’s a loving mother-figure happy to see me. Every little moment of banter like this with Shelly is a balm to the wounds my mom has worked to keep fresh my whole life. Shelly is a truly sweet woman, and even after a long day delivering mail where the exhaustion is apparent all over her face, she still has a whole-face smile for me. We chat for a few minutes, catching up, but I don’t stay long as much as part of me wants to curl up on the couch with her, have some girl time with a glass of wine, the dogs and her favorite: TLC.

  I tear myself away, grab my drinks, and head down to the party in the back yard. As I round the corner from the house, I see the big orange flames of fire coming from the burning pallets in the fire pit. Jay built it last summer under my careful supervision. Loud Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin” lyrics pour from Jay’s truck, and it brings a smile to my face because it’s from the CD I bought him a few weeks ago for his birthday. Always nice to know that you really ‘get’ your friends.

  Jay is a good friend. He’s not like most twenty-one-year-old guys. Well, don’t get me wrong. He is by the fact he likes to party and is always horny, but he has an emotional side he isn’t afraid to show. Most guys his age never let that sideshow. I appreciate that in him, and always have.

  I search for familiar faces. The closer I get to the fire I see two white resin chairs individually marked “Lily” and “Hillary.” I snicker, knowing if anyone other than us sits there, their asses will be tossed.

  “Hillary! Over here!” I see Tess and her boyfriend Brody waving me over. They are curled up on a blanket as cute as can be.

  A pang of jealousy clenches my gut. No, don’t think like that, I chastise myself. I can’t understand why I’m always attacked by a wave of envy every time I see the two of them together, happy as can be.

  “Hi,” I say, as I kneel down on the blanket with them giving hugs.

  “Nice fire, huh?” Tess says.

  “It is, and the rain has held out so far.” I mention, remembering how I had watched the forecast with my dad while eating dinner before I came here, and the weather man had said there would be a passing overnight shower.

  A few of us girls were sitting on top of a picnic table talking about guys and dating, with little girly drunken giggles here and there.

  “What’s going on over here?” Jameson asks, as he walks over toward us.

  “Oh, we’re just trying to find someone for Ally to hook up with.” Lily replies, throwing a glance over to her.

  Ally is one of Lily’s friend from high school. She’s only about an inch or so taller than me. Her face is covered in freckles, her pin straight, strawberry hair barely touches her shoulders. Her piercing green eyes glow with the flame of the bonfire.

  Jameson looks a little buzzed, with a devilish grin coming across his face as he looks at Ally. Again, the envy attacks me in my gut, but it’s different this time. Why does this sudden surge of jealousy come over me? I’ve never felt that way towards Jameson.

  I look down at my watch and see that it’s almost 5:00 a.m. I feel a slight drizzle of rain come over me. “Holy shit!” I exclaim “it’s starting to rain and my brother’s graduation is in a few hours. I’m gonna get going.”

  I turn and walk away, realizing too late that my hasty departure was probably considered rude. I hear my friends calling out to me as I leave.

  “Bye, Hil!”

  “See you later!”

  As I walk along the house to my car, I see Mike Loman leaning against Shelly’s car with his feet crossed at his ankles and his arms folded.

  “You’re still here?” I ask.

  “Yeah, I was waiting for you.”

  “You were? Why?” I walk towards him. I haven’t had a conversation with him in years. He was a stranger to me.

  He uncrosses his ankles, unfolds his arms and stands up straighter. He seems so much taller than I remembered. His grey eyes look serious as he stares down at me. What the hell is happening here? He puts his hands on my upper arms and squeezes them a little so I can’t move. My heart is beating so fast. I feel light headed. Did I drink too much?

  “Hillary, I like you and I want to kiss you.”

  I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. All that comes to mind is the jealousy I felt when I saw Jameson and Ally together. A smirk crawls its way on to my face. Well, if they’re going to have fun and hook up, why can’t I? He just said he wants to kiss me, not date me or marry me. Why do I even care if Jameson and Ally hook up? I’ve never liked Jameson like that anyway.

  I smile awkwardly. “Okay,” I say quietly, then laugh, hoping I’m being cute, not nerdy.

  I look up at Mike and lean into him. His lips are soft. His right hand moves from my arm to my cheek with his thumb making soft strokes on my face. I really like that gesture and I didn’t know it. I don’t think a guy has ever made that move on me. Soft, romantic kisses and then he tries to make entrance to my willing mouth with his tongue. Yes please. I need more. I deserve some action too this weekend. There’s no rush to his kiss. It’s as if he’s enjoying the moment just as much as I am. I’m enjoying this? I guess I am. I never thought of hooking up with Mike before.

  “Whoot whoot! Look at those two goin’ at it!” Two girls yell coming from the top of the driveway.

  We break apart and laugh a little out of breath. We just look at each other with an unspoken agreement that we aren’t done kissing yet even though the rain has gotten a little heavier.

  He removes his jacket, pulls me close and covers us both with it so we don’t get drenched.

  I like kissing Mike, but why does he like me? Why has he still thought about me after all this time? I can’t stop wondering that in my head. There’s nothing special about me. I’m short, a little chubby, I’m not as pretty as other girls here, so why me?


  I break the kiss and back away.

  “Mike, I need to get going. It’s late and I have my brother’s graduation later this morning.”

  He slides his hands down my arms as I pull back. His hands find mine and he pulls me back to him. “Do you really have to go, or did I make you uncomfortable?”

  “No Mike, it’s not you. I really do have to go.”

  “Are you coming back for tonight’s party?”

  “I am. Are you?”

  “Yes, most definitely if you are.” He smiles.

  “Alright then. I’ll see you tonight.”

  I walk up the driveway to my car and drive down the long bumpy driveway with complete and utter confusion as to what-the-fuck just happened.

  “You need to put some makeup on before you leave the house. You’re not one of those natural beauties.”

  June 2, 2001

  BANG! BANG! BANG!

  “Hillary, get up and get ready for the graduation!” My mother yells from the other side of my door.

  I realize I hadn’t even changed out of my clothes when I got home this morning. I am laying on top of my bed, face down with a pounding headache. I look up at my alarm clock. It reads 9:45 a.m. Shit. I have to get my ass in the shower.

  DRIVING ALMOST AN HOUR to Jerry’s graduation in the back seat of my parent’s car with my grandmother in total silence was actually welcoming considering from the moment I stepped out of my bedroom to get in the shower all I heard was yelling and bickering between my parents. My brother was smart to stay at the dorms last night with his friends.

  Once we find a parking spot and follow the signs to where the ceremony is, I attempt to beeline away from my parents. The sun is shining bright and hot. As I walk along the pavement to the seats I find myself already sweating. A long college graduation outside in the sun and I’m hungover. This is going to suck. I find myself walking a little faster in hopes of getting a seat in some sort of shade. Before I can do anything about it, my foot slips in my high-heeled sandal, and I fall face first onto the walkway.