by Taryn Steele
“Jesus Christ, Hillary!” I hear my dad yell.
“Oh God!” My mother sneers.
“Are you okay, Hillary?” Grammy asks.
At least one of them asked if I was okay. My hands are full of tiny little gravel pieces, red and scraped. I stare at them, attempting to get up as quickly as possible to avoid embarrassment. I realize it’s too late as a couple of strangers look down at me as they walk by. I stand up wiping myself off.
“I’m fine.” I whisper, and keep walking on the verge of tears.
The graduation ceremony was long, hot and boring just as I expected. Walking back to the car, I stayed behind everyone, walking slower and in a bit of a slump. Listening to my mother boast about how proud of my brother she is, and that the money was well spent on the expensive tuition, and telling her mother how he’s going to make something of himself.
My mom has never said she’s proud of me. Better not hold my breath.
Bzzzzzz bzzzzzz bzzzzzz
I wake up in a bit of a daze with drool on the side of my mouth.
Bzzzzzz bzzzzzz bzzzzzz
What the hell is that noise?
Bzzzzzz bzzzzzz bzzzzzz
Lifting my head and wiping my drool I see my alarm clock flashing 6:00 p.m. I slap the snooze button and drop my head back down to my pillow. I don’t think I’ve ever had to set my alarm for 6:00 p.m. before. 6:00 a.m.? Sure, but not 6:00 p.m. I feel like shit but I am determined to enjoy this weekend. I know the only reason I’m getting away with my curfew is because my grandmother is here, and my mom won’t start shit with me while she’s staying with us.
I stare at my old popcorn ceiling wondering what tonight will bring. Last night… that was some shit. Why did seeing Jameson and Ally bother me? Why does Mike like me? What in the fucking hell?
Someone lightly rapped on my bedroom door.
“Hillary, wake up darling. Dinner is ready,” Grammy says through the door, her voice muffled.
“Thanks Grammy. I’ll be out in a minute.”
FULL BELLY, FRESHLY SHOWERED, makeup done, decent looking outfit, and I’m ready to go. I quickly say my goodbyes before anyone can stop me and fly down the stairs, through the garage and hop in my car. Necessities; stop at the store for cigarettes. The combination of alcohol, possible stress and hormones means I will smoke more than normal.
I don’t see anyone at the top of Jay’s driveway taking keys, so I just hide them under my driver’s seat. The less I have to carry the better.
There are more people here tonight than last night. I see the familiar orange glow as I round the house but I don’t hear Limp Bizkit, I hear “Kryptonite” by 3 Doors Down.
The crowd is big and loud. I love it. Time to find some familiar faces and have some fun.
“Hillary! Come over here!” There’s Lily. She’s sitting with Ally, and Jameson right next to Ally. My stomach tightens again. Fuuuuuuuccckk! Why do I care? I take a long swig from my cold Bud Light bottle and saunter over to them.
“Hi guys.”
“How was your brother’s graduation?” Lily asks.
I shrug. “Umm, it was okay, I guess. Time-consuming, sweltering heat and monotonous. Nothing exciting, at least not for me.”
I spot Tess out of the corner of my eye so I excuse myself. Tess is in the same spot as she was last night. Just hanging out on her blanket. “Where’s Brody?” I ask.
“He didn’t want to come. He’s hanging out with some guy friends and I didn’t want to go there, so here I am.”
I sit down next to her and she pulls me in to a hug. I needed that. She could tell.
“How was graduation?”
“Painful.” I show her my hands.
“What the hell happened?”
I told her the whole story. My parents arguing at home before we left, my sweaty feet in the heels, falling, my mother’s joyful bluster about being proud of Jerry – and then as I stare at the fire I see Mike staring at me from the other side of the burning pallets.
“Hey.” Tess snaps her fingers at me. “Are you gonna finish your story?”
I opened my mouth to say something, then closed it again. All words escaped me.
THE NIGHT CONTINUES ON with laughs and drinks much like last night except I find myself dodging Mike, but I’m not sure why. We shared a quick kiss last night; it was more fun than anything. No strings attached. Right?
The dodging doesn’t last long though. He catches me with my guard down while I was staring at the bonfire by myself lost in my own little world.
“Hey.” Mike says coming up from behind me.
I gulp my beer. “Hi.”
“Is it just me or have you been avoiding me all night?”
Caught. I backpedal, trying to make amends.
“Listen, I’m sorry. It’s just been a really long day. I’m tired and pretty out of it.” I lie but I honestly don’t know what I’m thinking or feeling so that’s the best I can come up with to not hurt his feelings.
“Want to go for a walk?”
“Um, sure.”
He grabs my hand and we start towards the house. I’m not sure how I feel about my hand in his. All I can think about right now is that I hope my palm isn’t sweaty.
He guides us towards the empty garage. There’s one folding chair sitting in the middle of the room, he sits down on it pulling me to sit on his lap.
“No Mike.” I can’t sit on his lap. I’ll break his legs.
“Sit. You’re fine.” He says with a smile.
“No! I’m too heavy. I don’t want to sit on your lap.” I plead.
He gets up and turns me so I sit in the chair and he crouches down in front of me on the cement floor with his hands resting on my knees. “Listen. I don’t know about you but last night I went to sleep with a smile on my face. You’re a good kisser. I’ve wanted to kiss you for a while now. I just get the feeling after seeing you tonight you don’t have the same feelings.”
My chest feels tight. My head is spinning. I’ve never been on this end of a relationship before. I’m the one who always ends up heartbroken. I don’t know what to do.
“Why didn’t you say anything to me?” I ask him. “All these years have passed.”
“I don’t know. You always have all these guys around you. I guess I was intimidated?”
“Intimidated? Why? What guys?”
“You know, the guys. Jay, Bevan, Jameson, everyone.”
“They’re my friends. That’s all. I’ve always had more guy friends than girl friends. I guess I just don’t understand why you’re interested in me? What with all the pretty girls around here.”
My hands are sweating.
He looks down at the floor shaking his head snickering. I don’t get it. What’s so funny?
“Hillary, you’re very pretty. The blue in your eyes is mesmerizing. Did you know sometimes they change to grey? You have a great smile with the straightest teeth I’ve ever seen. You’re funny, easy to get along with and I like that you’re laid back. You don’t seem stuck up and materialistic like Lily and her Catholic School girlfriends.”
Well, I guess that was nice to hear, right? Oh, what the hell. I grab him by the face and kiss him. I wait until I feel him kiss me back and plunge my tongue in to his mouth. Swirling it around to add some fun and gratification to let him know I’m blissfully enjoying this. He growls. Yes. He likes it. I fist my hands in the back of his head at his hair. He pulls me tighter in response. Our breathing gets heavier. He takes his hand and runs it up and down my back then grabs at my hip. Quickly he moves his other hand to my neck then slowly down to my breast, grazing it ever so softly. Without delay I squeeze my thighs together, the searing sensation taking me over. I’m no longer coherent of what I’m doing.
“Oh yeah baby! Do it good!” Some guy yells at us while walking by.
I push Mike away attempting to catch my breath and quickly stand up. The moment is gone.
“Thanks for the walk.” And I walk back to the party to find Tess.
&
nbsp; “No girlfriend of mine says no to me.”
June 14, 2001
IT’S MY 22nd BIRTHDAY. Mike and I have been very casually seeing each other. Nothing exclusive, just kind of hanging out. He asked me to meet him at Dawn’s. Maybe he has a birthday present for me?
As I drive up Route 66 I see his red Jeep already parked and he’s leaning against it. I park next to him.
“Hey,” I say casually, climbing out of my car.
“Happy birthday.”
“Thank you.”
“So… I’ve been meaning to ask you… how low can you go?”
“What?” I don’t get it, and he cackles in response.
“How low can you go?”
Oh-my-god! Is he serious? He wants me to suck his dick!
“Oh-my-god Mike!” I shout while pushing at his chest. He laughs, puts his hands on my shoulders and pushes me down. Oh God. Flashbacks. Bad flashbacks, of Robert. This can’t be happening again.
He’s not acting like himself. Is that beer I smell on his breath?
“Come on, let’s go for a scenic birthday drive.” A silly grin stretches across his face. I try and shake my thoughts from my head and convince myself that I am overthinking.
I climb into his Jeep and buckle my seat belt, Mike roars the vehicle to life and immediately presses play on CD player. He grinds the shifter in to gear, slams on the gas pedal and screeches out of the parking lot without even looking for oncoming traffic.
“Jesus, Mike!” I shout, and see he’s snickering. He pulls his Yankees ball cap down further on his head and grips the wheel tighter. Is he trying to scare me? If he is, it’s not working. All I’m feeling right now is anger. Is this how he reacts to getting turned down for a blow job?
A few minutes in to the drive and he’s still not speaking. All I can hear is the sound of Garth Brooks coming through the speakers singing about thunder rolling. His speed is accelerating by the minute. The back roads he’s taking to god-knows-where are narrow and winding.
“Where are we going Mike?” I ask, my voice now a bit shaky. I suddenly have fear flaring up in my chest. I had Mike in my senior English class all those years ago, but it hits me: I don’t know this guy at all. I don’t know what he’s capable of.
His voice breaks into my thoughts.
“You’ll see. We’re almost there.”
He was right. Less than one mile later he turns right in to the drive of Orange River Park. It’s a popular area for paddling and fishing. Long hiking trails lined with hundreds of pine trees make for a romantic walk on a summer night much like this. My gut is telling me that romance is not Mike’s plan – maybe it was, but before I turned down his blow job request.
As we pull down the dirt entrance I notice there are only two other vehicles here, which is pretty quiet for this time of year. Mike pulls into a parking spot, shuts off the engine and gets out of the Jeep. He doesn’t say a word, so I decide to follow his lead and get out as well. When I walk around to his side of the Jeep I notice he has the seat pushed forward and he’s reaching for something. Seconds later he slams the door shut and starts walking towards the hiking trail with a can of beer in his hand. I’m almost tempted to stay back at the Jeep to see how long it takes him to notice I’m not following him, but I don’t.
About a quarter of a mile in to the hiking trail I notice a large man who appears to be in his early forties down the small embankment fly fishing. I smile to myself remembering all of the times I’ve gone fishing with my dad and asking him why he never fly fishes. His answer was always the same, “it’s stupid.”
I see Mike walking toward an old wooden picnic table on the grass off to the side of the trail, so I continue to follow. He sits on top of the table, rests his elbows on his knees and cracks open his can of Budweiser beer. “I didn’t get you anything for your birthday,” he tells me, then takes a big gulp of his beer.
“I didn’t expect a gift. Is that what your attitude is about?” I retort.
“Attitude? I don’t have a fucking attitude Hillary.” He wails at me. Moving a few steps closer to stand directly in front of him, placing my hands on my curvy hips I laugh out loud at his response. He’s joking right? Is this the beer talking?
“Did you miss the last fifteen minutes of our conversation at Dawn’s to here? Driving like an asshole? Driving while intoxicated with me in the vehicle without telling me? Was this your way of saying happy birthday, but requesting a blow job first?”
I hear a gasp as soon as the words are out of my mouth. I turn my head and see a young twenty something year old mother walking the trail with her toddler son, and she covers his ears.
“Sorry,” I say harshly to the woman as she walks by.
My annoyance is now increasing by the minute. Jumping up from the picnic table Mike chugs the last of his beer and crushes it to the ground.
“If you weren’t acting like such a tease I wouldn’t have expected a blow job,” he says.
I stood in complete shock with his admission. I take a couple of steps back and turn away from him and notice the fisherman and the young mom watching our argument. I calmly and quietly step back to him. My voice comes out like a hiss. “Mike, there are people around. Let’s keep this conversation civilized, okay?”
He chuckles and shakes his head in response to me.
“Do you know how long I’ve liked you Hillary? Do you know how long I’ve wanted that sweet mouth of yours on my cock? Now, after all this time I’ve finally gotten your attention away from Jay, Bevan, Jameson, all those guys, and you won’t give it up.” He takes a step towards me. “Do you like a challenge? Is that it?” Another step. “Do you want me to chase you for it? Play it rough?”
With every question he asks he takes another step closer to me. I’ve never seen him act like this before. He’s always been so sweet and respectful. Something else must be bothering him. Something in addition to god-knows-how-much-beer he’s consumed.
“Mike, I don’t know what’s going on with you right now but I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression of me—”
“Don’t!” He shouts, interrupting me. “You don’t get to apologize and act like everything is okay. My ex Katie did that and now you. Next thing you know you’ll be calling me telling me you’re getting married and invite me to the wedding just like she did earlier today. Then your mom will tell you you’re old enough to get your own place like mine did today.”
It’s making sense now. “Give me your keys and I’ll drive you home.” I say. “You’re upset and you’ve been drinking.”
“No, I’m fine!” He shouts back at me again. As I reach for his keys on the picnic table Mike darts in front of me shoving me out the way. “I said I’m fine, Goddammit!”
“Obviously you’re not. You’re upset and you’ve had too much to drink. Give me your keys, we’re leaving.” I demand. I stick out my hand, palm up, waiting for him to hand me his keys. I hope he doesn’t see my fingers trembling.
“Suck my dick like I wanted you to before and we’ll go.” He tells me with a complete straight face; no smirk, no wink.
He’s not joking.
Immediately I can feel bile rising in my throat, tears are prickling my eyes as images of Robert forcing himself on me flash through my mind. A slap across the face, a punch between my shoulder blades, whenever I said ‘no.’
I try to take a deep breath and remind myself this is Mike, not Robert. Robert knew what he was saying and doing. Mike is visibly upset and drunk. I can talk him down. My brain and my body are not cooperating. That deep breath I just took I’m still holding in. My head is starting to pound and I feel as though I’m becoming light headed. I can’t lose my shit right now. I need to be strong.
Exhale.
“You’re not in the right frame of mind right now,” I say authoritatively, although I don’t feel it. “I’m willing to overlook your behavior due to the circumstances and you’re drinking if you just let me drive you home. Please Mike,” I say to him, with pleading eyes.
That was a mistake. I might as well have shown my throbbing jugular to a lion.
“I love a challenge.” He growls and pulls me towards him grabbing the back of my head, forcing my lips to come crashing to his. He laughs into my mouth.
The thought that he’s enjoying this sends fury through my body. With all of my strength and all of my fury I put my hands to his chest and push him back away from me. But when I take a step back from the situation, the back of my right foot hits an old tree stump and I go tumbling backwards down the small embankment.
Four tumbles down and I dig my fingers in to the ground to try to prevent myself from landing in the river. I hear Mike shouting my name. I feel myself stop but all I see is stars and I’m really dizzy. As soon as I realize my feet are wet and in the river I push back up higher on to the embankment.
Out of the corner of my eye I see the fisherman coming towards me. I hear him ask me if I’m okay and I just nod. I see him get closer but continue to walk past me. I turn to see where he’s going. He is quickly approaching Mike who is attempting to make his drunken way down to me.
“Hillary, are you okay?” Mike asks, but before I can answer the fisherman grabs Mike by his shirt collar and tosses him to the ground.
“I’ve seen and heard your entire conversation with this young lady,” the fisherman spits. “When you sober up later you’re going to realize what an asshole you’ve been.”
The young mother we passed earlier on the hiking trail comes running down to me with her toddler on her hip. Reaching her hand out to me to help me up she says, “Get up. I’m taking you home and away from him.” I take her hand, walk up the embankment, follow her to her car and get in. She asks me where I’d like to go, and I give her the directions to Dawn’s.
“My name is Sarah by the way,” she tells me as we pull in to Dawn’s. “I’ve seen your boyfriend here a lot. He’s always seemed so kind hearted. The look on his face today was different. Like something more serious was bothering him. Unfortunately he thought beer would help and only made it worse. I know I don’t know him but—”