by Taryn Steele
“I know,” I say cutting her off. “Thank you Sarah. I’m Hillary.” I shake her hand.
“Maybe we’ll run into each other here for coffee some day?” She smiles at me.
I try not to show how shaken up I am inside, and smile back. It seems to work. “I hope so,” I say as I get out of her car, and thank her again.
I turn around and see Jay, Lily, Bevan, Tess, Brody, Jameson, Karolyn and a few other familiar faces but no one I know all that well sitting at the picnic tables. I take a deep breath and try to collect myself. I make my way across the parking lot and wave to everyone. Tess and Brody stand up and start singing happy birthday to me.
“Happy birthday, H-bomb!” Jameson hollers.
“Thanks everyone. I’m sorry I can’t stay. I’m not feeling all that well but thank you for the lovely song.”
Tess walks over to me and grabs my hand. “Hey, have you been crying?”
“A little, just from a bad migraine though. I need to go home and get some sleep.” I tell her. I give her a hug and with shaky feet walk towards my car.
“Hillary, wait up.” Jameson shouts. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Just a migraine.” I lie. I don’t want to admit what really happened.
“Okay. Just checking. So, what are you doing Saturday night? I’m driving up to Worthington to visit my dad and he asked if I’d like to bring a friend. You mentioned you grew up like a redneck, and like redneck bars so I thought this would be fun.”
“You know what, I could really use a carefree night out after the day I’ve had. Thanks Jameson.”
Jameson claps me on the back, like he would a friend, not a lover. “Drive safe H-bomb, and happy birthday again.”
“He’s too good for you.”
June 16, 2001
THE DRIVE TO WORTHINGTON is a long boring stretch of highway, and then rural back roads. Jameson and I rock out to music and have minor chitchat. Totally casual. We pull in to the small town bar of The Tavern to meet Jameson’s dad, Rick. Jameson pulls around to the back of the building. With his hand on the small of my back he ushers me in through the back entryway. I like his hand there. I feel protected even though I know I don’t need to be. It’s dark, a little raw and a very loud live band is playing, but it’s not crowded. I think Jameson spots his father, so I follow him.
“Hey Pop.”
“Jameson! How are ya son?”
“I’m good Pop. Pop, this is my friend, Hillary.”
Jameson’s dad is not what I envisioned. He’s short and round like Humpty Dumpty with the biggest blue eyes I have ever seen. He’s adorable.
“Nice to meet you, Miss. Can I get you a drink?”
“Nice to meet you too. I would love a Bud Light, if they have it.” I request.
Rick ushers me to a seat as he and Jameson approach the bar to get our drinks.
The night is full of fun; playing pool, laughing, telling stories, singing, and dancing. From talking to Rick I notice he and my father have a lot in common. They would get along really well. Massachusetts is so small they might even know each other. When I told my dad where I was going tonight he knew of the bar, so, maybe?
We left The Tavern around midnight and headed home on Route 66. I had a smile on my face the whole ride back. I had such a good time hanging out with Jameson and his dad. When we get back to Dawn’s no one is around. No sign of anybody, not even across the street at the Dublin bar. I hug Jameson, and thank him for a fun night. My drive home is shorter than his so I tell him I expect a phone call when he gets home, so I know he’s safe.
When I get home I pray I’m not locked out. I’m very late. I walk through the garage, up the stairs, put my hand on the doorknob. I say a silent prayer. I turn the knob, push and look up hoping not to see the chain connected on the other end. It opens.
Thank you God!
I quietly tip toe to in to my room, close the door and turn my light on. In fear of waking up my mother and getting yelled at I skip washing my face and brushing my teeth. Once I’m in my pajamas and I crawl in to bed I hear my phone ringing. It’s Jameson.
“Hello?” I whisper.
“H-bomb! I’m home.”
“Okay, good. Thanks again I had a lot of fun with you and your dad. Next time you go back I’ll go with you!”
“Cool. I’ll tell my dad. He thinks you’re cool shit.”
“Awesome Get some sleep.”
“Yeah, I’m whooped.”
“Good night Jameson.”
I really like this guy.
“Good night Hillary. Sweet dreams.”
“You’re fooling everyone to think you’re a good person.”
June 23, 2001
IT’S SATURDAY, I HAVE THE DAY off from work and no plans. How pitiful am I? What typical twenty-two-year-old person doesn’t have anything to do on a Saturday night in the summer?
I think about my job – the declining hours, my waning interest – and I decide to spend my Saturday filling out job applications. I applied to SS Lighting, to hopefully use my managerial skills in a different industry. We’ll see what happens.
I eat an early dinner and decide to take a drive to see if anyone is hanging out at Dawn’s. When I pull in the parking lot and see it only has one vehicle which means the only one here is just whomever is working inside. I decide to park my car and just listen to the radio and close my eyes. A few minutes later I’m startled by beeping and loud music. I turn my head and see Kayla in her sporty red car. I groan inwardly.
“Hey Hillary. Watcha doin’?”
“Oh, nothing just hanging out. I didn’t feel like staying home.”
“Why aren’t you with Mike?”
I know why she’s asking. She doesn’t know I know, but Lily told me Kayla was bummed about Mike liking me. She likes him. She can have him.
“Um, I don’t know. I’m not sure it’s going to work out. I’m actually going to break it off with him tonight. I’m just trying to get the nerve.” I reply honestly.
“Oh, wow! Really? I just saw him at the gas station on my way here. Does he know you’re here?” She asks.
“No, but I’m guessing once he drives by and sees me he’s going to pull in.”
“Good luck. I’ll be around if you want to hang out after.”
Seriously? Kayla and I have never hung out alone before. She’s either just as bored as I am or she wants to ask permission to go after Mike when I dump him.
As if on cue I see Mike’s red Jeep heading up the road and it slows as he drives towards Dawn’s Coffee Depot. Kayla notices too. She just looks at me, waves and pulls out of the parking lot. My stomach immediately aches. I feel like throwing up.
“Mike….um…”
My throat has swollen shut. Is this what anaphylactic shock feels like? I feel dizzy. I need to get out of my car. Yes! Stand up, fresh air. That will help.
“How was your day? You want a coffee?” he asks.
Is he really going to act like nothing seriously fucking dramatic happened?
“No thanks. I’m good. I can’t really stay. I’m actually glad you stopped here I wanted to talk to you.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah…um…Mike I just don’t think this is working out between us.”
He looks serious. “Oh…”
“I didn’t think you’d be surprised after what happened by the water.”
He’s not looking at me. His hands go to his hips, he blows out a hard breath and starts pacing between our vehicles. My heartbeat is increasing dramatically. I’m getting nervous now. I start to wonder if he’s been drinking today. Will there be a repeat of my birthday? I need to get out of here fast.
“Mike I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”
“Nope! Nope! Nope! You don’t owe me anything!”
Fuck! He’s mad!
“I’m sorry Mike. I need to get going.”
He gets in his Jeep and just sits there staring straight ahead with a pained expression on his face. I caused th
at. I made that look. It’s my fault. My mom was right. I’m not good enough, for anybody.
I get in my car and leave without saying another word to him.
Twenty minutes later I find myself driving to the Massachusetts River. It’s peaceful there. Something about listening to the water calms me. I don’t know how long I stay there and I don’t worry about the time either. It’s calming me sitting here on the dock and that’s what I want right now. It’s what I need right now. I just wish I had a friend here with me. Why don’t I have more friends?
I decide I do need company, so I head back towards Route 66. I pull in to the store to buy a drink and more cigarettes. When I’m about to get back in my car I hear a car beeping at me and realize its Kayla.
“Hey Hillary. Did you do it?”
Talk about not bothering to beat around the bush. I guess she doesn’t care about being a rebound chick. I try to hide my disdain.
“Hey Kayla. Yeah, I did.”
“So how did he take it?”
“He didn’t say much.”
“Oh wow! So where is he now?”
Holy fucking shit girl! Is she serious?
I can’t hide my chuckle at her absurdity.
“I don’t know Kayla. Why don’t you call him?”
“Oh, um…I don’t want to hang out with him I was just wondering…”
Sure Kayla. Whatever you say.
“Okay.” I hide my smile at her bullshit.
“Want to hang out at Dawn’s?”
“Sure why not?”
If nothing else, her bullshit stories will be humorous.
I look down at my phone and see I have a ton of missed calls, all from Jay. There are several voice mails.
“Hillary! What the fuck? I’m over here at The Dublin and Mike is completely fucking drunk and upset out of his mind because of you! How could you dump him? He’s so fucking drunk!”
“Next message”
“Where the fuck are you? Come over to the bar and help Mike. Fix this! He’s really upset! He’s crying!”
Holy shit!
I look up at Kayla.
“Jay’s across the street at the bar with Mike. I guess he was really upset about me dumping him and decided to get cocked out of his mind.”
Kayla just stares at me with her jaw dropped open.
“I should go over there. I don’t see their vehicles. I guess they parked around back. I’m gonna take a look.” I tell her.
“I’ll go with you.”
I don’t really mind, no matter what her motive, if there is one. Even though we could easily dart across the street I choose to drive. Maybe I’m afraid I might need a fast getaway. I drive around back and see both Jay and Mike’s vehicles, so I park my car next to them. I get out of my car but I’m scared to go inside so instead I call Jay on his cell phone.
“Hillary, where the fuck are you?” He shouts at me.
“I’m standing next to your truck. Come outside.” He doesn’t say anything. I just hear a click that he hung up. I see the back door of the bar swing open and Jay comes stomping out.
“Will you please tell me what the fuck happened and why you dumped my friend?” He shouts at me.
“Jay, he took me out for my birthday and drove drunk. Then he proceeded to be pissed because I wouldn’t give him a blow job. We got into a fight. I fell and it went to hell from there. The end.”
“He really liked you Hillary? He’s upset!” He shouts at me.
With my hands on my hips I stare up at the dark starry night walking in circles and taking deep breaths.
“Jay, I’m sorry, but did you not just hear what I said? I don’t know what else to say but that.” I can feel the tears coming. How am I the asshole here?
“What am I supposed to say to him when I go back in?”
“He knows I’m out here?” I yell at him!”
“Yeah, I told him.”
The back door of the bar blows open and Mike comes staggering out. He doesn’t say a word just looks over at us, turns to the side, and leans over the railing and vomits.
“Oh shit, dude.” Jay complains.
“I’m sorry Jay… I can’t … I just can’t… I have to go.”
I feel a small wash of relief come over me. I don’t like it when I know someone doesn’t like me. I tend to be a people pleaser. I guess it comes from not feeling any real love or want from my parents growing up. I look at Kayla to let her know I’m leaving to see if she wants to come with me or walk back to her car.
“I’ll stay with Jay and help him with Mike.” Kayla says.
Not surprised but I don’t really care.
“Okay then. I’m going home.” Feeling like a coward, I drive away.
June 30, 2001
I got it – I got the job at SS Lighting! You’re looking at the company’s newest employee – a receptionist. It’s not much, but I know I can start from the bottom and work my way up. Everyone has to start somewhere.
I love fresh starts.
“You’re not worth listening to.”
September 7, 2001
“H-BOMB! WHAT ARE YOU DOING in two weeks?” I hear Jameson shout from the parking lot at Dawn’s.
“Um, I don’t know. Why?”
“I’m going to Worthington to see my dad for my birthday. Wanna go?”
“Oh hell yes! I love your dad!” I jump up and down, unable to contain my excitement. I had so much fun when he took me there a couple of months ago. I’ve been bugging him ever since to take me back there. “Well, we should bring a designated driver because it’s your birthday and you need to drink and I’m not familiar with that area, so I won’t be able to drive back and I want to drink too! Ha!” I say as a matter of fact.
“I’ll be your designated driver.” I hear Christian shout.
“I want to go too!” Tess exclaims.
“Okay, okay, okay! But we’re taking Hillary’s car. No one besides me is driving my Mustang.” Jameson says.
“Yay!” I can’t hide my excitement.
Jameson laughs, and I like the sound.
I SIT IN MY CAR in Dawn’s Coffee Depot parking lot checking my makeup and hair in the visor mirror humming along to “Hemorrhage (In My Hands)” by Fuel on the radio. I’m so excited for tonight my knees won’t stop bouncing. I notice a dark red truck backing up next to me in my side mirror, it’s Christian. He’s an okay guy. I don’t really know him that well – he’s Jameson’s friend; they worked at Subway together – but I’m comfortable talking to him.
“Hey, how’s it going?” He asks with a tip up of his chin like some guys do with that silent sup they do with each other.
“Hey. I’m good. Glad the work week is over.” I politely reply.
Tess pulls in with Jameson right behind her in his rumbling white Mustang, and I scan my back seat for garbage or crap so everyone can sit comfortably. Christian and I both get out of our vehicles to great Tess and Jameson, and it’s decided that since Jameson will be our driver on the drive up and Christian will be our designated driver on the drive back home, the girls get the back seat.
When we pull in to the parking lot of The Tavern I notice this time Jameson parks in the front of the building and not in the back like he did last time when it just the two of us. Jameson jumps out of the car and dashes inside not even waiting for the rest of us. He must be really excited, I think to myself. Christian, Tess and I just look at each other and laugh at our birthday boy.
I walk inside to find Rick and run right over to him and give him a great big hug. He squeezes back tight and I smile wide. Jameson introduces Christian and Tess to his dad, and I’m surprised Tess has never met him before, because she had mentioned that her and Jameson were really good friends.
“Hey Jameson. David’s coming tonight.” Rick mentions.
“Oh man.” Jameson replies rolling his eyes to the back of his head.
“Who’s David?” I ask.
“My brother.”
“You have a brother?”
&
nbsp; “Stepbrother. My dad was married to his mom but they divorced, but we still acknowledge each other as brothers since we grew up together and still keep in touch.” Jameson explains.
“So why did you say ‘oh man’ when your dad told you he was coming tonight?”
“You’ll see when he gets here.”
The fun is nonstop here at the bar celebrating Jameson’s birthday with his dad. Christian is being a good boy drinking Sprite, along with Rick. Rick’s health put a stop on his drinking a few years ago according to Jameson. The bar is packed, filled with music and conversation, and I can’t stop smiling.
Tess and I are sitting on a couple of bar stools while we watch Jameson and Rick play a game of pool. I shout in Tess’s ear that I have to pee and to save my seat. I have had a lot to drink and my bladder can’t hold any more. Once I’m done peeing and washing my hands I check my hair and makeup. I need to reapply my lip gloss. The self-conscious part of me will never go away. I’ll never be tall enough, thin enough, pretty enough or good enough but I try anyway for the hell of it.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
“You’re up Hillary! Rick won!” Christian shouts through the bathroom door.
“Okay thanks. One sec.”
One last look in the mirror, I swing the door open and Jameson is standing there. Butterflies come alive in my stomach.
“Hi!” He says with a big smile on his face.
“Hi!” I say with a laugh. He picks me up and hugs me.
“I’m having so much fun. Thanks for coming.” He whispers in my ear.
I can’t help but feel a warm tingle through my body. “Thank you for inviting me.”
We notice complete silence come over everyone in the bar. Still in some sort of embrace we turn our heads to the front of the bar. I see an average height young male covered from head to toe in fur with what appears to be two prostitutes on either arm. He looks like a pimp.
What in the fucking hell?
“Oh shit!” Jameson says low and slow.