Good Enough (The Enough Series)

by Taryn Steele

October 8, 2001

  To: hillarynowal@aol.com

  From: jmichaels@hotmail.com

  October 8, 2001 08:33 a.m.

  Hillary,

  I got your voicemail while driving in to work. I’m glad you reached out to me. I’ve been wracking my brain about all that went down between us. I wish you could just be honest and upfront with me about your feelings. If I’m coming on too strong or something. If you just need a minute to breath, tell me. Don’t run away! If you want to work this out with me we have a lot to talk about, and we can talk about why Tess said what she said too.

  Jameson

  To: jmichaels@hotmail.com

  From: hillarynowal@aol.com

  October 8, 2001 09:07 a.m.

  Jameson,

  Thank you for writing to me. You want honesty? Here’s my version of brutal honesty… I don’t know how to be open with my feelings. Growing up in my house my opinion never mattered, still doesn’t. So, I’ve learned to just keep my mouth shut. On the flip side; you, this whole thing, scares the shit out of me (not in a bad way). I know you probably want me to say more but like I said, I’m still learning how to be open with my thoughts and feelings.

  I hope you write back.

  Hillary

  To: hillarynowal@aol.com

  From: jmichaels@hotmail.com

  October 8, 2001 09:27 a.m.

  Hillary,

  I didn’t expect such a fast response. Please don’t freak out if I don’t write back quickly to you after this. I’m really tired from working all night.

  I have never felt about anyone, the way I feel about you. If something isn’t right in your mind, you have to tell me. I can’t fix what I don’t know is broken. I do want to get back together but it’s up to you now.

  Jameson

  To: jmichaels@hotmail.com

  From: hillarynowal@aol.com

  October 8, 2001 11:34 a.m.

  Jameson,

  I’m sure you’re asleep by now. I was in a meeting.

  Anyway, I do want to talk to you. Do you want to meet for coffee or something? I know our schedules are completely opposite. I have to go to Hoboken Wednesday through Friday for a work thing. Hoping to get a new client. What are your plans this coming weekend?

  I want to be open and honest but I need something from you. Patience and understanding, for so many reasons I can’t get in to right now. If you can’t do that I understand, just let me know.

  Hillary

  5:30 p. m.

  Sitting at my desk staring at my computer even though technically my workday is now done but for some reason I can’t move.

  He’s sleeping. That’s why he hasn’t written back. Don’t freak out! Don’t over analyze it!

  “Hey Hillary, James has my car still and he’s out on a fire call. Can you please drop me off at home?” Maria, my co-worker, asks.

  I guess I have to leave sometime.

  “Of course. I was just shutting down my computer. Let’s go.”

  10:04 p.m.

  I’m lying on my bed in my pajamas, staring at my ceiling fan going around, and around and around. It’s making me incredibly dizzy but I can’t look away. It’s keeping me distracted from thinking about Jameson. Is he still sleeping? Did he read my email? If he did, is he happy or mad or sad or anything? Will he call me tonight? If he doesn’t how will I ever fall asleep?

  11:23 p.m.

  Dark and silent. A horrible combination for a tortured mind and heart.

  12:36 a.m.

  Still nothing and sleep is starting to win this battle.

  “You’re not smart enough.”

  October 10, 2001

  PACKING SOME LAST MINUTE THINGS for my three-day business trip to Hoboken. Selling lighting was never in my life plan. Starting at this company, it was never my plan to sell lighting. Hell, I applied for the receptionist position and they moved me up to sales coordinator. Something about having the charm with clients on the phone when I was a receptionist. Hey, I’m not complaining.

  My boss Dan really wants to land this client. I told him I’m not comfortable talking to these people about the specifics but he can count on me to put on the charm for them. Luckily, I’m not going alone. I’m driving with Marianne. She’s been with the company for over ten years. We’re going to meet John, the Vice President and Dan Jr., the owner’s son. They run the Hoboken office. All three of them are fun and down to earth. After the business part of the trip is over I know we will have a blast!

  That’s exactly what I’ll need to keep my paranoid eyes off of my phone waiting to hear from Jameson. I need to get a handle on my emotions today. Yesterday I was a fucking mess. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Not hearing from him drove me nuts.

  October 11, 2001

  Marianne and I are laughing in our hotel bathroom, fighting over the sink while brushing our teeth. She knows I am a nervous wreck so this is her way of calming me down.

  “Bitch, I will spit this toothpaste on you. Just watch.” She threatens jokingly.

  “You will not. You said my boobs look great in this blouse. You wouldn’t risk ruining it when my girls look so great. Our meeting has four middle-aged men. I need this blouse intact.”

  She couldn’t hold it in. Toothpaste foam all over the bathroom mirror and sink.

  “You’re right. Wilma and Betty are looking spectacular. After we nail this meeting you’re taking me bra shopping. Maybe Mark will finally propose if my boobs look like yours.”

  “Ba-ha-ha! After seventeen years you think a new bra will get you a ring?”

  “Yeah, you’re probably right. I should get matching panties too.”

  “Let’s go crazy, lady.” I respond with a huge eye roll followed by a smile.

  October 12, 2001

  Marianne and I are driving back to Massachusetts with a feeling of accomplishment, and hungover. We did a little bit too much celebrating over dinner with alcohol, but when the company is footing the bill you don’t skimp on it.

  “Do you want music?” Marianne asks.

  “I’m good but if you want it’s cool. It’s your car.”

  “Nah, I’m good. I’m sure my head is pounding just as much as yours.”

  “You got that right.”

  “You know the only difference is I’m not driving myself crazy over a guy.”

  I turn my head and give her a half smile, turning my head back the other way and stare out the window. She understands my silence, gives my hand a slight squeeze and leaves me alone for the rest of the drive home.

  October 13, 2001

  The silence from Jameson is making me feel like a lunatic. I can’t handle it. I have to call him. I grab my phone and dial his number.

  “Hello?” a female voice answers the phone.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I must have dialed the wrong number.”

  “Okay.”

  And she hangs up.

  Shoot. My eyes must still be a little foggy from the long drive home yesterday. I dial again.

  “Hello?” the same female voice answers.

  “Um, hi. I’m looking for Jameson.”

  “He’s busy at the moment. Can I take a message?” she asks.

  I recognize that voice.

  “No thanks.”

  Fuck! That was Gloria!

  I drop the phone. Fall to my knees on my bedroom floor and cry. It’s over. I’ve lost him.

  “You’re a major screw up.”

  October 14, 2001

  I HAVE ELEVEN MISSED CALLS and three voicemails, all from Jameson.

  Of course I do.

  How did we go from him telling me he wants to get back together to another female answering his phone?

  You have three new messages. Press one to hear your messages.

  “Hillary. I just saw Gloria on my phone. Don’t think the worst, please. Our jump was cancelled last weekend due to the rain and rescheduled for right now, actually. I’m about to get on the plane now. David is here too. I’m calling you back when I’m done.”
<
br />   Next message.

  “It’s me again. Please call me back.”

  Next message.

  “He-ey. It’s Dave. Jameson is freaking out. Will you please call him back? Nothing happened with him and Gloria. She was just holding our shit for a second while we were gearing up. He even yelled at her for answering his phone. I swear!”

  Whoa!

  “Hello?”

  “David, its Hillary. Are you still with Jameson?”

  “No, I just got home a little while ago actually. For the love of God, will you please call him and work this out? Nothing happened with Gloria. I think it was a bit of a misunderstanding. I was supposed to hook up with Gloria at the hotel but Marcie sent Jameson there for some reason. I think she was confused as to who Gloria was calling about.” David admits.

  “Wait a second! Marcie did what?” I bark.

  “Gloria called about plans for the morning jump and what time we were all meeting. Me and Gloria have been talking, trying to hook up. I think Marcie was confused as to who Gloria was asking about meeting at her hotel room. She sent Jameson over there. I don’t know. It’s straight though. No worries kid, nothing happened. Are you going to call him then, and work this out?”

  “I need to go clear my head, go for a drive or something.”

  “I can understand that. Even though he’s my brother I wouldn’t lie for him. Not to you. I think you’re cool shit, Hillary.”

  “I appreciate that, David. Thanks.”

  “You got my number. Call me if you need to.”

  “Thanks.”

  THE WATER ON THE RIVER is so still, so calm, so peaceful. I could sit here for hours. I have sat here for hours before, actually. This is where I need to be right now. For how long? I have no idea. If I stare and space out long enough maybe I can figure out what to say to Jameson.

  The sun is starting to set and is turning the entire sky in to a tie-dye effect of oranges and pinks. It’s absolutely beautiful. With my arms perched behind me on the dock I close my eyes and soak in what’s left of the sun and breathe. I feel as though I’ve been holding in that breath for days.

  “Did you know that when the sun is low on the horizon, the light rays must pass through more of the atmosphere, and for that reason bounce off more molecules than at other times of the day? So more blue light gets scattered away before the light reaches your eyes. Other colors like the orange you see now can continue to pass through the atmosphere unaffected, creating this beauty at the start and the end of the day.”

  I didn’t turn around once to look him in the face when he was talking. I never had to question that was Jameson standing behind me. All I could think about was if I had another pair of panties in my car because I think I just came in mine. I don’t even remember exactly all of those facts he just said but it was fucking beautiful.

  “How long have you been standing there watching me like a stalker?” I jokingly ask him.

  “Does more than five minutes constitute stalking?”

  “Technically there is no allotted time frame with stalking it’s just classified as prolonged.”

  “Well, in that case then I’m just going to say I was admiring. It sounds better, and not creepy.”

  “So how did you find me? Wait, never mind. You talked to David didn’t you?”

  “Yes, he called me. I asked him if he knew where you were. He said at the time you were home but you said you were going to go for a drive to think or something like that. I know this is your place. I was hoping I could help with your thinking maybe.”

  “Is that right? How do you think you could do that?”

  “Can I sit down with you?”

  “Sure.”

  “Thank you. I’m not sure where to start, so I guess I’m just going to ramble about everything. First off, the night at the pool hall, I think that was just a big misunderstanding on both of our parts. Am I right on that?”

  “I believe so, yes.” I also nod in agreement.

  “The thing with Tess, I don’t even know what the hell that was. I think between her and Brody breaking up and what was going on with us, I don’t know maybe, she had unresolved feelings for me? She didn’t really say all that much. She just came over and was overly flirty and touchy feely with me. I put a stop to it though, before it went any further. I just want you to know that. It wasn’t you. I only wanted you there. The last thing I want to bring up is Gloria answering my phone. David and I had her holding on to our stuff while we talked to our instructors. I swear I never told her she could answer my phone, let alone play mind games with anyone who answered it. Is there anything you want to ask me?”

  I can feel his eyes on me but for some reason I can’t take my eyes off of the water. It’s almost as if I’m too scared to look at him. I’m scared to see the pain in his eyes. I’m scared for him to see the fear in my eyes. I’m scared to be vulnerable with him. I’m scared of being hurt by him. I’m scared of not being enough for him.

  “Hillary, look at me.”

  I give in to his request and turn to meet his eyes.

  “These past few days not talking to you has been nothing short of torture for me. When I got here and saw you sitting here on the dock I could actually feel my heart start beating again. Please Hillary, talk to me. Say something. Anything.”

  “Jameson… I… I… I can’t. I’m sorry.”

  I get up as fast as I can without tripping over my own feet and walk away as fast as I can.

  “Hillary! No! Stop! I won’t let you do this! I won’t let you run away!”

  I can feel the tears prickling my eyes.

  Don’t stop! Don’t listen to him! Keep walking! Get in your car! You can’t do this! He needs more than what you can offer! You’re not enough.

  I make it halfway to my car and I feel a hand grab my arm, pull me and then I’m spun around. Jameson then grabs both of my wrists and holds them in front of me.

  “Goddammit Hillary! Stop running away from me! Why are you doing this?” He yells at me.

  “Because I’m scared, okay!” I shout back. I can feel myself trembling. My chest is tight, as if I’m struggling for a breath.

  “What are you scared of?”

  “Everything! Why didn’t you mention going to the hotel to see Gloria? I know your mom set that shit up. Why is she trying to ruin us?”

  I take a deep breath to finish my thoughts. “I’m scared that I’m going to fall too hard, too fast for you and you’re going to dump me. I’m scared I’m not experienced enough for you. I’m scared I’m not enough for you physically, mentally or emotionally. I’m a fucking mess, Jameson! I’m just not good enough, okay?”

  “No, it’s not okay. You are more, so much more! You hear me? Nothing, and no one is going to come between us. I have a handle on my mother. That’s why I didn’t say anything. I’ve unfortunately had to have more talks with her than I’d like. I didn’t say anything because nothing happened and because I didn’t want to upset you.”

  He looks up to the sky with his eyes closed and lets out a deep breath I didn’t realize he was holding in. It immediately chokes me up. I can’t understand it. He let’s go of my wrists, looks back down to me and grabs either side of my face. His hands are warm. His thumbs brush at my cheeks.

  “Sometimes, all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve. You deserve more Hillary, and so do I. We deserve each other. I’m not going to let you run anymore.”

  And in that moment I forgot how to breathe. Jameson pulled me toward him and pressed his to lips to mine. It was hard and animalistic, the grip on my face from his hands got harder but it didn’t hurt. It turned me on. My arms immediately went around his neck. He pushed me back a few steps. Our kiss grew rougher with each passing minute. Our hands were all over each other. Our tongues thrashing through each other’s mouth tasting and savoring every bit as if we’re afraid was the last. I know now not to be afraid. I’m not afraid this is the last kiss, it’s just the start of many. I break away first f
rom the kiss. Both of us looking drunk in our eyes, trying to catch our breaths.

  “Don’t run Hillary. Please don’t run.”

  I hesitate, my heart exploding from happiness. Everything’s alright. “I’m not going to run Jameson.”

  “Really?”

  I can’t help it but I smile. To see what is usually a reflection of my own fears someone else has now.

  “You’re smiling.” He notices. “When I see that smile break out on your face, I feel like I get a high no drug can ever come close to.”

  “Oh-my-god Jameson! Stop saying shit like that to me. I don’t have enough underwear in the world to change into because of what you’re doing to me right now.”

  He starts laughing. To see that smile on his face, it just warms my heart. Then I see the tension release from his shoulders, brings back some of that hurt knowing I’m the one who caused it. I quickly try to remind myself not to dwell on it and remember that he’s smiling now.

  “Can we please start over, Hillary?”

  “Can you be patient with me? Emotionally and physically?” I ask.

  “Patience is desire that is controlled. I will be understanding, patient, loyal, kind, everything as long as you promise to be open and honest and everything else along with me. NO MORE RUNNING!”

  “I promise.”

  “Pathetic! I can count all of your friends on one hand.”

  December 21, 2001

  I’M EXCITED FOR OUR FIRST “friends” Christmas party at Ramsey’s house. Everyone is bringing food, alcohol and a grab bag gift. Jameson took the night off from work so he could go, and I’ll meet him there. Things have been going well since we got back together. We don’t see much of each other during the week due to our opposite schedules but the weekends we’re always together. We’re taking things slow so we don’t get in to a fight and break up like we did in September. I’m really looking forward to a fun night.

  7:00 p.m.

  “Ramsey, that tree is huge! The lights are so pretty. Just one problem, your star on top is bent.” Aleyshia states.