by Taryn Steele
The rest of the night wasn’t that bad. Everyone seemed to like Jameson and he held his own really well. He was right, he was a real charmer. What made me smile were the conversations I saw him have with my dad. Jameson can chat it up with what appears to be anyone really, my dad not so much. My dad is more of an observer at first, then he’ll slowly start to talk with you. I overheard my dad asking Jameson where he grew up and that rolled on to topics of fishing, fast cars and dog tracks. My dad has spent many years driving and knows of a lot of places, so he knows exactly where Jameson is talking about. Their first conversation runs smoothly.
When I saw my mother pull him in to a conversation, I went on high alert. I refused to leave him alone with her because her questions don’t have anything to do with her being a protective mother. Her questions have to do with being intrusive, judgmental and to see if anything he says can benefit her in any way. But he played along well with all of her questions as if he knew what to expect. I’m sure most guys are used to the interrogation process from parents. He did well.
“You’re gonna take me in your mouth whether you like it or not.”
December 31, 2001
JAMESON SAID HE WOULD BE PATIENT and understanding with me as long as I promised not to run. Does booking a hotel room for New Year’s sound patient? I guess that all depends on who you ask. For some people patient might be a week. For some it might be a month. Either way I’m not ready. I’m actually scared to death of having sex with Jameson. I have so many doubts in my head, from years of mental abuse from my family. Even worse, physical abuse from my first love Robert. At least I had thought it was love, but I was wrong.
Not one soul new about him or what had transpired during our relationship. I was too scared and too ashamed to talk about it. It was a teenage summer romance at camp. A young girl with low self-esteem and a good-looking guy giving her the attention she craves. To keep him happy she did whatever he wanted, including sex.
I remember the first time he wanted a blow job. We were in a little rental cabin that was vacant at the campground. I’d never done it before, so I was really nervous. I wanted him to like it. I wanted to be good at it. I was hesitant at first. He was impatient. He pushed me down on to my knees, and unzipped his pants. Then grabbed the back of my head and pushed my face down on to him and held it there. With both of his hands on either side of my head he bobbed my head up and down, not once allowing me to come up for air with my mouth so I had to control my emotions and attempt to control my breathing through my nose.
I could feel him begin to throb in my mouth. He was moaning and grunting hard while pushing it further and further to the back of my mouth. All of a sudden I felt his hot ejaculation hit the back of my throat. I didn’t like the taste. I wanted to spit it out but he continued to hold me down. “Taste me baby! Swallow me baby!” He kept repeating till every last drop released in to my mouth. When he was finally done, he released his hands from my head. I looked up at him with his cum dripping out of the side of my mouth, tears prickling my eyes … and then it happened.
He slapped me across the face and said, “Don’t ever resist me!” That was just the first of many.
My eyes widen with this memory. I’m not ready. It’s that simple. I have to cancel New Year’s plans with Jameson. What if he turns out to be just like Robert? He got us a hotel room, he expects sex. What if he’s not like Robert though? What if his touch is soft, sensual, and caring? The kind of touch that gives you goosebumps all over. The kind of touch that makes you feel the heat rise in your body from your toes to your lips. The kind of touch that sends an erotic shock to your tingling lady parts.
But what if he just wants a blow job like Mike did the day of my birthday at Dawn’s? “How low can you go?” Ugh! I’ll never forget that stupid fucking line!
My mind is going in a million different directions. I can’t think straight. I promised him I wouldn’t run and he promised he’d be patient. So what the fuck is this night all about? What if I don’t run and just tell him I have a family party? Will he buy that? Fuck! He probably won’t believe me. He knows how I am with my family. I need to make a decision quickly since I know he’s sleeping right now and I’ll get his voicemail and I can just leave a message. Do I cancel and make up a lie about plans or do I go and pray he doesn’t turn out to be abusive like Robert?
I grapple for my phone and dial his number.
Hi. This is Jameson. I can’t get to my phone. Leave a message.
“Hey, it’s me. I hate to do this but my parents just reminded me about a family New Year’s thing that’s supposedly been planned for a while. I had no idea. I’m sorry.”
I ended the call, dropped the phone on the floor and dropped my face in my hands trying to prevent tears from shedding. I immediately stand up and start pacing in my tiny bedroom. Everything is going to be okay. He won’t be mad at me. He’ll forgive me. If I keep telling myself that, will it come true?
I feel like I’m going to throw up. What have I done?
Hours go by and I haven’t heard from Jameson. He must be mad.
We’re supposed to go out to dinner with Bevan and Lily in the city tonight. I could call them. Meh, what’s the point? They probably see it as me just ruining their night so they either won’t answer or they’ll yell at me. I decide to go for a drive to Dawn’s to see if anyone is around that could help me. When I pull in no one is there but across the street at The Dublin Bar I see Bevan’s brother Jack and his girlfriend, Aleyshia. I dart across the street, give them the gist of my night and they offer to drive me into the city to where they know Bevan and Lily are but no guarantees on Jameson. I thank them and take what I can get.
On the drive there Aleyshia makes some calls to Lily to find out exactly what is going on and who is where. They take me to the Marriott Hotel. Fuck! What if he’s not alone? Would he do that? My stomach is in knots and I have no one blame but myself.
Jack parks the car on the side street parking and tells me what room Jameson is in. Both he and Aleyshia come with me because they are going to hang out with Bevan and Lily in their room while I go see Jameson.
I knock on the door. I hope he doesn’t answer.
As the door swings open the look on Jameson’s face reads complete devastation and it breaks my heart. I caused that pained look on his face. He’s dressed up too: slacks and button down shirt. This night was special, and I ruined it. Dammit!
“Can I come in?” I quietly ask.
“Sure.” He replies with a tight, straight face.
“Before you yell at me, dump me or whatever, just let me say what I have to say first please. I’m scared. You scare me. You getting a hotel room tonight scared me. I thought we were going to take things slow. I don’t know. Maybe our perceptions of slow are different and we probably should have talked about that. I think there are a lot of conversations we haven’t had yet that we should discuss, like our past relationships. After that perhaps we’ll have a better understanding of each other. I’d like to go first. It’s not easy so please just give me time if you see me struggling.”
He nods to show he understands. I think he sees the seriousness in my face. He takes my hand and walks me to the bed. We both take a seat at the edge next to each other. I take a deep breath, say a silent prayer that he doesn’t think any less of me, and he still wants to date me.
“I mentioned my neighbors to you before, and how they knew I didn’t get much attention at home so they kind of took me under their wing and brought me camping with them a lot. I made a lot of friends there that I’m still friends with to this day. Also while I was there I met a guy named Robert. He showed interest in me. Having a serious case of low self-esteem I didn’t think much of it at first until he came right out and said it. I was on cloud nine. Robert was very forceful. He forced me to perform oral sex on him. He would hold my head down. If it wasn’t to his satisfaction he would hit me.”
“Hillary! Stop! Stop! Stop! You don’t need to go any further.”
; He quickly gets up off the bend. His hands are fisted and his knuckles are turning white. He’s pacing back and forth really quickly. Shit! I made him mad!
“Jameson, I’m sorry. I’m just trying to be honest with you. I didn’t mean to upset you or make you mad. I ….”
“Oh, God! No baby!” He interrupts. Quickly he comes back over to me still seated at the edge of the bed and kneels in front of me. “I’m not mad at you. I’m upset about what happened to you. And you’re right. We should have had this talk. This whole shitty night could have been prevented if my intentions were made clearer. I didn’t expect sex. My one and only intention was to go out with our friends for a nice dinner and lots of drinks and kiss you at midnight. I only got the room so we didn’t have to worry about drinking and driving.”
Who’s the asshole now? Yup. This girl right here. Shine the spotlight right on my face.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”
“You’re here now right? That took a lot of guts to come here and tell me what happened to you.”
“Jameson, there’s a lot more about me and Robert you should know. He hit me. Not usually on the face, so no one could see the evidence. He forced himself on me. He held my head down to suck his…”
He holds up his hand to stop me. “Don’t… Don’t say anymore.”
He rises up from his knees in front me and gently caresses my right cheek with his hand. I don’t think I’ve ever had a man look me in the eyes the way he is right now. I just can’t decipher if it’s fear, lust, love or all of them. What I do know is whatever it is, the feeling is true. He brushes a loose tendril of hair behind my ear. He wipes away one lonely tear that made its way out of my saddened blue eyes, then kisses me. He kisses me so softly it’s almost as if he’s afraid he’ll break me. I cover my hand with his and fall back onto the bed. He carefully lies on top of me and moans in to my mouth. It was the most beautiful sound I heard all day. I open my mouth a little wider to let him know I’m okay with more. I don’t want him to think I’m damaged goods. I may be bruised but I’m not broken. His hand grips my shoulder, runs down my side grazing my rib cage and then around to my ass. He grabs it hard. I love his roaming hands. I love his kisses. I think I might even love him. And even though I might be scared to love him, I’m even more scared of losing him.
There’s a knock at the door.
“Go away!” Jameson yells.
“Hillary! We’re leaving and we’re your ride back unless you’re staying!” I hear Jack shouting on the other side of the door.
“Hang on!” I shout back. “Jameson, I have to go. I’m sorry I can’t stay. I left my car at The Dublin. You know the shit I’ll get from my mom if I don’t come back.”
“I know. I don’t like it but I get it. I’m just glad you showed up here tonight.”
“I am too.”
“There’s no such thing as happily ever after, so give up on that thought now.”
January 3, 2002
OPENING UP TO JAMESON THAT NIGHT at the hotel on New Year’s helped him understand me a lot more. The following day we got together and he told me about his past relationships, including Pam, the girl he ran in to the night of the Christmas party at Ramsey’s.
He met Pam at college in 1996. They became friends at first like most college kids do. Passing by the same faces to and from class. At first that casual smile, then it turns into a “hi” or “hello.” Once you become familiar with that person you might even stop for a quick conversation in between classes. That’s how it started for them. They dated for two years. He said their relationship ended because Pam did not get along with his mom, Marcie. “That’s the reason most of my past relationships have ended, actually,” he said. I couldn’t understand why. It was nice to be able to talk to an actual mom and not be judged, ridiculed or put down in any way.
After our talk we made plans for Valentine’s Day. The celebration this year was on a Thursday, which means work for both of us. I was okay with that. What was more on my mind was if he was going to propose again. At least I wasn’t scared now that he might.
Lily asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner last night. We ended up at the mall, which is normal for us girls, but she kept stopping at jewelry stores. She was very nonchalant about looking at jewelry and trying on rings, and kept having me do it too. Lily and Bevan are already engaged. Why am I trying on rings? Maybe, just maybe Jameson put them up to it? I can only hope.
February 14, 2002
The lighting center I work at has a good handful of women in it. From what I’ve been told there’s usually a bet going on who will get flowers delivered to them first, who gets the biggest arrangement and who gets stiffed. Heidi, a single female pushing forty-years-old already called getting stiffed because she’s not dating anyone, so she knows she’ll win that bet. I bet on Marianne getting the biggest arrangement because after spending many hours with her at work and our business trip to Hoboken, I know Mark is a good guy. He still won’t propose, so he’ll make up for it with Valentine’s Day flowers. Plus, I’m pretty sure he knows about these bets at the office and wants to help Marianne win. I bet on myself to get stiffed too. Jameson and I have plans later tonight at Breakers to play pool, so I’m guessing if he has anything for me he’ll give it to me later.
By 9:05 a.m. Paula had the first flower delivery from her husband Tony of over twenty years. It was a beautiful bouquet of red roses. Jill got hers next from her husband with the non-traditional variety of yellow Gerber daisies and orange orchids in a small round glass vase. As I expected Mark did not disappoint in Marianne’s delivery. She had a very large display mixture of red and pink roses. Two dozen in total that were held in a tall, red crystal vase. It was beautiful!
But the kicker was that neither of them won the contest. I did! While sitting at my desk eating my lunch and surfing the internet, I hear Marianne gasp. I look up and Jameson is standing in front of my desk with a very large, clear glass vase filled with three dozen pink Stargazer lilies, my favorite! I can’t believe it! The sweet heavenly scent of the lilies immediately fills the office and I love it.
“Oh-my-god! Jameson they’re gorgeous!”
“Happy Valentine’s Day. I didn’t want you to struggle trying to drive home tonight with them in the car. I thought maybe you would want to keep them here. If you want to bring them home tomorrow after work I can try to find you a box tonight or something.”
“Holy crap, Jameson!”
“So are you saying you like them?”
“Yes! I love them! Thank you!”
“Good. Now, gimme a kiss so I can get going.”
I instantly reach around his neck and pull him in to a hard, tight lipped kiss. He on the other hand goes for an immediate ass grab and I don’t mind at all.
“Alright you two! Get a room!” Marianne yells.
“Oh, come on Marianne. I thought you were cool like that? You want a piece of this too? Is that it?” Jameson jokes.
“Ha ha! Don’t promise me a good time young man. I’ll take you up on it.” She jokes back.
“Should I leave you two alone and get back to work or…?”
“I’m leaving. I’m leaving. I’m leaving. I’ll see you tonight at Breakers. Bye Marianne. Happy Valentine’s Day.”
I didn’t even realize it until Marianne started laughing but after Jameson left and I sat back down at my desk I exhaled like a lovesick puppy.
“Why don’t you just start singing like a damn Disney princess to give the full effect?”
“Oh stop it. It’s not like that.”
“Oh – yeah – sure!”
“Come on Marianne. Let’s go outside for a cigarette break. My nerves are twitchy.”
BY THE TIME I GET HOME from work it’s already six o’clock. I had to meet Jameson at 7:30 p.m. at Breakers. That left me with an hour to eat dinner, freshen up and change my clothes.
I didn’t eat much for dinner. One reason, my mother cooked it. She cannot cook. She’s terrible. The ot
her reason I’m not eating much for dinner is because I’m too nervous. My stomach is in knots. What if Jameson proposes to me again tonight? What if he doesn’t? Will my disappointment be obvious? I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts. This is crazy! He’s not going to propose. He was drunk the night of the Christmas party. We haven’t even had sex yet. I’m not being rational. I need to just shake it off, relax and have fun.
Thirty minutes later I am pulling in to the open parking spot next to the white Mustang I know and love so well.
It is oddly quiet for a Thursday. I guess people had more romantic places to go tonight. I’m far from materialistic, I don’t need fancy romance. I like playing pool. I like Jameson. I’m cool with Breakers for Valentine’s Day. I spot him in the corner of the room and immediately smile. He’s so cute. Sometimes I swear I see a twinkle in his eye like they show in cartoons. Not often, but enough to remember.
“Hey. Guess what Bevan and I are doing tomorrow?”
“Well, hello to you too.” I say jokingly seeing the excitement on his face is too much to hide. “What are you and Bevan doing tomorrow?”
“Picking up my new motorcycle.”
“Oh-my-god! Seriously?”
“Yeah. I ended up taking the rest of the week off and we went looking today after I brought you your flowers this morning.”
“Wow! That’s awesome, but a motorcycle in the winter? It’s supposed to snow tomorrow. You’re going to drive it home in the snow?”
“I’m not worried about it. I’ll be fine. I have a surprise for you too. Close your eyes.”
Oh-my-god! Oh-my-god! Oh-my-god! Oh-my-god! This is it! He’s gonna do it!
“Open your eyes.”
He’s not down on one knee. He’s handing me an envelope. Okay. Don’t be upset. Don’t show emotion. Just open the envelope.
“What’s this?”
“Open it.”
Oh-my-god! He booked us a trip to New Hampshire! This is it! Time to seal the deal. Time to let my guard down and see if I can trust him one hundred percent. Time to pray that he doesn’t turn into Robert when it comes to sex.