Goddamned Freaky Monsters (The Tome of Bill Book 5)

by Rick Gualtieri

  I wasn’t overly joyed at that part myself.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “I want you to get out of town. Maybe head to your stepfather’s place. Grab Tom and Christy, if you can, on the way.”

  “Not happening. I already talked to Tom. I’m swinging by home and then we’re heading to where you are.”

  “Are you fucking insane? Listen I...”

  “First off, Bill, my pop’s place is in the middle of the fucking woods. We both know what’s out there. No thank you. Secondly, that motherfucker from earlier was coming after me, not you.”

  I opened my mouth to argue, but he had me there. I’d certainly done my fair share to piss off that freaking ogre, but his focus in the office had initially been on Ed. “Sorry. I’m just so used to everything wanting me dead.”

  “Trust me, it’s new for me, too,” he replied. “Can’t say I really like it, either.”

  “So you think he could track you down again?”

  “He already did once. If he catches us somewhere else...”

  He didn’t need to finish. Ed might have had something weird going on with his blood, but neither he nor Tom would be able to do much against an ancient vamp intent on tearing them to pieces. Christy might be able to help them out, but she was pregnant - undoubtedly a lot more so than when last I’d seen her. I had no idea what effect that might have on her powers, but even if I did, I wasn’t entirely cool with potentially putting her in the line of fire.

  Fuck! It could never be easy, could it?

  “I get what you’re saying,” I said at last, “but I don’t stand a chance against...”

  “Maybe not alone, but at least if we’re all together we might.”

  His words, while potentially suicidal in their stupidity, warmed my non-beating heart nevertheless.

  “There’s also the fact that Tom and I are pieces of shit as far as the supernatural world is concerned. You, however, the other vamps want alive. If we happen to get saved as a side effect of whatever they can do for you...I’m cool with that.”

  He’d been reading my mind. That was exactly what I’d been planning. “You remember where this place is?”

  “How could I forget?”

  “Just get here before dark.”

  “You don’t need to tell me that twice.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I had an important phone call to make. But first, being that my hidey hole hadn’t been invaded as of yet, I chanced a quick shower. In the movies, vampires are always happily covered in filth, either from their graves or their victims. In reality, I liked smelling like shit about as much as the next person with any sense of personal hygiene, which isn’t to say very much.

  Thank goodness the safe house had a washing machine and dryer too, because the available spare clothing would have only suited me had I been a cross-dresser several sizes smaller. Since I had no plans to walk Forty-Second Street that night looking for Johns, that wasn’t going to cut the mustard. I really needed to tell Sally - Starlight, I corrected myself - to stock these places with stuff that would fit me.

  Thus, I found myself clad in an ill-fitting pink bathrobe as I sat down about an hour later and dialed the central seat of power for vampires in the Northeastern United States - Boston.

  I’ll admit to being a bit apprehensive about doing so. Part of the problem was that I’d escaped from Alexander the Great, the guy in charge of the Draculas. Putting myself back on his radar wasn’t really something I was looking forward to. Then again, it was probably a moot point anyway. Most of the grunts I’d met in the paranormal world were little more than super-powered dumbasses. The folks in charge, however, weren’t exactly stupid.

  What had I done upon making a run for it? I’d made a beeline straight back home. Even one of the aforementioned dumbasses would know to check someplace obvious like that first.

  The truth was, if I was indeed trying to hide from the upper hierarchy of vampiredom, I was doing a crap job of it. There was no point in pretending to play Mission Impossible.

  Also, the guy I’d unintentionally released from Alex’s personal collection of trophy heads scared the ever-living fuck out of me. That played no small part in my decision.

  Bottom line was, member of the Draculas or not, I needed James’s help on this one.

  Sadly, unlike Sally, I had no idea what his personal cell number was. It just goes to show how unfair things are. Be the chosen one that legends speak of and you’ll be lucky to get cab fare out of it. Own a pair of perky tits, though, and the world is your oyster.

  That left me having to deal with the equivalent of their 800 number. “Lucky me,” I grumbled as I dialed. Vampire bureaucracy was every bit as bad as that in the world of the living. That meant I had best find a charger, because I had a feeling I was gonna be on hold for a while.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “I’m sorry, but what was your name again?”

  “It’s Bill Ryder. For the last time, I’m the motherfucking Freewill.”

  “Sir, the legendary Freewill is listed in our database as ‘whereabouts unknown.’ I will ask nicely that you disengage from this call or I shall have to report this to my superiors. I need not remind you that prank calls are severely frowned upon by the...”

  I had to restrain myself, hearing the creak of the cheap phone in my grasp. Much more and I’d crush it in my annoyance. If that happened, I’d just have to start all over again. Finding myself back at the end of the hold queue would probably be the final straw that would cause me to run outside and embrace the sunshine.

  I took a deep breath and mentally counted to ten before deciding upon a tactful response. “Fine, report me. Maybe your superiors are less fucking stupid than you are, you fangless cocksucking twat.”

  I’ll admit that might have sounded slightly more respectful in my head.

  There was silence for a moment, followed by a terse, “Hold, please.” Bland music began to play in the background. Would the world be somewhat less fearful of the coming horrors, I mused, if they knew that vampires utilized elevator music in their day-to-day dealings?

  I continued to wait on hold for several minutes longer, prompting me to get up and grab a few pints of blood from the now unplugged fridge before they went bad. Might as well suck down a few while I listened to the instrumental version of That’s What Friends Are For.

  I was just about to conclude that I’d been abandoned, left to the dark Hell of waiting forever or hanging up, when the phone picked up on the other end.

  It was about fucking time. Maybe I would finally be allowed to speak to someone who held a position higher on the food chain than drone.

  I heard an intake of breath and felt a tickle at the back of my skull. Wait, were they...

  “IDENTIFY YOURSELF AND YOUR LOCATION!!”

  I dropped the phone with a startled cry as the compulsion rang through my head like a mini-sledgehammer. It wasn’t the loudest thing I’d had bounce around in my brain lately, but it had caught me completely by surprise.

  Popping out of my chair, I knelt and looked beneath the desk I’d been sitting behind. I grabbed the phone off the floor and was just bringing it back to my ear when it rang out again.

  “IDENTIFY YOURSELF NOW!!”

  “I heard you the fucking first time,” I snarled. “I told you already, this is Bill Ryder. I’m the...”

  “The Freewill would not have obeyed my compulsion,” the person, a female whose voice I didn’t recognize, replied.

  What kind of chicken and egg bullshit was this? I swear, if it weren’t for the fact that the Sasquatches smelled like shit and would probably have us all eating grubs, some days I really wouldn’t mind if they overran the vamps. “You’ll notice,” I said, trying to control the vein that really wanted to pop out of my forehead, “I didn’t give my location.”

  “I will concede that point. However, the fact remains that the Freewill’s whereabouts...”

  “Are unknown. Yeah, I surmised that already. Who the hell is this, anyway?
”

  An annoyed sniff came from the other end. Most vampires were not overly appreciative of a little back-sass. What a surprise that I’d get one who fit the stereotype.

  “Know, child, that you are speaking to Calibra, acting Prefect of the Northeastern United States, and I am not particularly pleased right now. You have exactly two seconds to convince me not to sentence you to summary execution.”

  “Wait, Prefect? I thought that was Colin’s job.”

  “One second...”

  Oh, for Christ’s sake. “Fine. If I’m not who I say I am, then you can kill me to your heart’s content. There ain’t shit I can do about that. If I am, though, then I have a feeling there might be a few people who’ll take offense at executing the one foretold to lead our forces to victory.” Ugh, I had to swallow back the bile at reciting that bullshit. “So what does that tell you?”

  There was a momentary pause, then this Calibra person replied, “That tells me either you are suicidal or...”

  “The Freewill?”

  “Perhaps.”

  Fuck, it was better than nothing.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Calibra seemed somewhat hesitant to summon James. I couldn’t blame her for that one. He was a member of the Draculas, and their reputation preceded them. One didn’t bother them frivolously if one wanted to keep living. Of course, I’d always found James to be an exception to that rule. Even so, it was quite possible he kept up appearances for protocol’s sake - something he seemed somewhat fond of doing.

  While we waited for him to join us, I figured I’d use the time to try and mend the bridges I’d just burnt to ash. “So, Calibra...” - I wasn’t sure if her name sounded exotic or stupidly obtuse - “I apologize if we got off on the wrong foot. Congratulations on your posting.”

  “Assuming you are who you say, I accept your apology and well wishes. Having met briefly, I am familiar with you and your colleague’s casual flippancy.”

  We’d met? Um, okay. I never was good with names, but whatever. This chick seemed to have all the personality of a pile of wet cardboard.

  Fuck it. Rather than try to kiss her ass, I decided to satisfy some base curiosity. “Speaking of your new job, is he dead?”

  “Is who dead?”

  “Colin.” The glee in my voice was probably a little too apparent, but I didn’t care. This was potentially the best bit of news I’d heard since returning. “That’s why you took over, right? Someone finally wised up and staked his smarmy ass.”

  “I can assure you, Freewill,” an oily male voice replied - goddamn, I hated being on speaker, “my smarmy ass is quite intact.”

  So much for good news.

  Class Reunion

  “Hi, Colin.”

  “That’s Colin, personal attaché to the Wanderer - esteemed member of the First Coven - to you.”

  Oh, how I despised that guy. “Personal attaché?”

  “Yes. I have been tasked with the glorious privilege of managing the Wanderer’s busy schedule.” There was something in his tone that made me think he wasn’t all too pleased with his new rank.

  Then it hit me. When last I’d heard from him, he’d been freshly promoted to Northeastern Prefect - the smarm practically oozing from his voice. Now, despite the supposed promotion, he was back to being little more than James’s assistant again.

  Oh, that was rich. A toady to a king was still just little more than a toady.

  “Well,” I replied, grinning despite myself. “I’m back.”

  “So I hear.” I could practically smell the acid in his remark through the phone. “Perhaps now we can finally get an accurate accounting of what happened to Remington’s team.”

  “Didn’t Sally fill you in?”

  “Her report left a lot to be desired.”

  “Oh, well, I’m sure she got the details right.” I wasn’t about to forget this fucker had been responsible for sending that goon and his hit squad. He’d been responsible for Sheila’s...

  Once more, I had to mind my grip on the phone’s fragile plastic. Smashing it to bits wouldn’t do me much good. However, maybe an extra turning of the screw would. “What can I say? Remington did an incompetent job. Whoever picked him for that mission fucked up to the nth degree.”

  If it were possible for silence to be frosty, I’d say the connection on the other end was entering subarctic temperatures. Now it all made sense. His promotion was in name only. He’d been blamed and subsequently removed from the seat of power he’d so craved. In his new capacity, he couldn’t do any more harm than scheduling a bad lunch date. It wasn’t quite the punishment I’d have chosen, but it had definitely hurt him. I could dig that.

  “I will let the Wanderer know this is not another prank call.” Colin’s voice registered about as much disgust as one could and still not be gargling sewage. A beep on the other end told me I’d been put on hold yet again.

  Waiting as patiently as I could, I noted flashing lights passing by outside. The walls of the safe house were thick and muffled sound fairly well, but even so, the high-pitched whine of multiple sirens came through. That was the third time since I’d locked myself in here. It seemed like Manhattan was going nuts. It couldn’t have all been because of that one vamp, could it? Not with the sun still out, it couldn’t be.

  Plenty of other stuff could be going down. Who knew what the hell those supernatural storms were spitting out? Even outside of that, this was New York. Shit happened here.

  There came another low beep on the other end of the line, and all of those thoughts instantly fled as the smooth voice of James, the Wanderer, filled the line.

  “We have been eagerly awaiting your return, Dr. Death.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The mixed feelings I’d had earlier vanished in a second upon hearing him. James represented all of the positive aspects of the vampire nation: intelligence, dignity, honor, and power. Normally, I admired those former virtues, but I had to admit that last one was of interest to me right at that moment. I wasn’t sure if he’d get personally involved in this little dilemma of mine, but I had my fingers crossed. I’d seen him in action and knew he was one badass of a vamp.

  “There have been a lot of people worried about you, you know.”

  “So I hear.”

  “It is good to hear your voice. Now, if you don’t mind me dispensing with the small talk, where have you been all this time?”

  “Likewise; it’s good to hear yours. Listen, James, the whole story of where I’ve been will have to wait. I have a hell of a problem right now...”

  “All in good time, my friend. I’m sure Calibra will be able to help you with...”

  “I don’t need her, I need you.” Okay, perhaps that sounded a bit whiny. The startled gasps from the others on the call told me it was probably out of order too.

  “Forgive him, Wanderer,” that Calibra chick said. Oh great, another suck-up. “I shall make sure he receives correction as to the proper ways of speaking with a...”

  “It is quite all right, my dear,” James replied. “I am well used to Dr. Death’s mannerisms.”

  “Good...” I started, but he wasn’t finished.

  “At the same time, Freewill or not, he should be well aware that any escalations in priority must first be signed-off by a respective coven master and only then directed to the office of the standing Prefect. Protocol must be maintained, especially in these dire days.”

  “Coven master?”

  “Yes. I take it you were not informed that...”

  “I know that Starlight took over, but...”

  “Do not interrupt the Wanderer!”

  “It’s quite fine, really it is, Colin.”

  Oh God, were we back to this? When I saw Sally next, I was gonna make it a point to steal her contacts list. “Starlight handed the keys back to me.”

  “There have been no records of an abdication from any of my covens,” Calibra said.

  “That’s because she was kidnapped before she could do it.” I gritted my
teeth and counted to ten. God, this group could be maddening to deal with.

  “Be that as it may, Dr. Death,” James said, “while I would love to give your return the pomp and circumstance it deserves, please know that the situation is on the verge of escalating and requires my full...”

  Oh, Jesus Christ. “Will you listen for just a second?” I pleaded, knowing my interruption would potentially be a painful one. “When I escaped from Switzerland, I may have accidentally...”

  “How dare you?” Colin chimed in right on cue. “You pathetic excuse for a...”

  “Wait, did you say Switzerland?” James asked.

  “Yes.”

  “But...”

  “That will be enough for now, Colin,” came the terse reply before I was addressed again. “What were you doing there?”

  “Chillin’ in the dungeon of Chillon Castle.”

  There was a brief pause, but before I could lapse into my tale of bodiless vamps sprouting new limbs, James said, “Hold for one moment, please.” He put me on mute for a few seconds before he spoke again. “I have sent the others from the room. I want you to start at the beginning. Leave nothing out.”

  “Yeah, but the most...”

  “I insist.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The tone of James’s voice was not one to be disobeyed. Even I, purveyor of fine ways of telling folks much stronger than me to go fuck themselves, knew better than to question him. Instead, I lapsed into a quick retelling of where I’d been and what had happened. As I did, my eyes crept over to the clock on the wall.

  Where the hell were my friends?

  James was silent as I brought him up to speed on my return. Despite his insistence, I omitted some details, like where I found the head and what I did to Alex in order to escape. No point in putting any more of a spotlight on my gross insubordination.

  Likewise, I most definitely glossed over Dave’s experiments on me. That was strictly on a need-to-cover-my-ass basis. James had partially achieved his current rank by outing another vamp performing similar research. Of course, that asshole had been working for the Nazis at the time, but even so. The last thing I needed was him saving me, only to dole out swift and brutal punishment. So I did what I do best: played dumb and made up some stupid lie about accidentally leaving the errant cranium behind.