by Alice Ward
“You’re doing the right thing,” she assured me.
There were things I hadn’t told her; things I wasn’t sure I’d ever tell her. Ace was a troubled man, paralyzed at times with fear, riddled with pain, and had a constant battering in his own head about failure and an inability to please his father. I related to him, and that was a strong pull towards him, but I didn’t want to share Ace’s personal life tragedies without his consent, even if it would make my best friend understand why I loved him.
“Quit it,” she hissed without even turning to look at me.
“Quit what?”
“Rationalizing why Ace Newman is lovable and deserves a chance.”
Yup. She knew me too well.
Ace was a toxin, but I still loved him. I just had to let him go. It was time for one of us to grow up.
“Excuse me?” A tall, slender girl with light blonde hair was standing at the edge of Whitney’s lounge chair blocking the sun.
“Yes?” Whitney sat up in her chair and pushed her sunglasses to the top of her head.
“Are you Whitney Harris?”
“Yes.”
“Engaged to Calvin Malone?”
She nodded.
Her two girlfriends behind her let out a squeal. “You’re so lucky,” the blonde girl announced.
“You’re Holly Summer, right?” one of the other girls asked.
“Yeah, I am.” It was the first time I’d been recognized outside of New York or Indiana.
She bit her bottom lip. “You aren’t still dating Ace Newman, are you?”
How the hell did I answer that? Yes? No? It’s complicated? It’s a figment of my imagination? Seriously, there really was no label for what we were to each other.
“You seem so sweet,” the blonde offered up with a sympathetic voice when I took too long to answer.
Another added, “We’re really sorry,” before walking away.
“Really?” I frowned at Whitney, who was staring at me in amazement.
“I’m sorry, that’s just so funny,” she said, doing her best not to laugh and failing miserably.
“No. It really isn’t,” I snarled as I leaned back into my seat. “That pretty much sums it up though, doesn’t it?”
“Sums up what?” Whitney asked.
“The difference between Calvin and Ace.”
She sat up and turned until she was facing me. “What do you mean?”
“How many girls will Calvin fuck here before he gets home?” I asked.
“None,” Whitney boasted. “Besides me.”
“And how many would fuck him?”
“Uh, all of them, of course,” she smiled with pride.
“Yeah. And Ace would fuck ‘em all.”
“Well, that’s true, and he’s never pretended he wouldn’t. Ace is a charmer, and he’s extremely handsome.” Why was Whitney complimenting the man she hated? To confuse me?
“You need to quit trying to put Ace in the untouchable house. He’ll have other women, lots of them because there is something inside him driving him to do it. Maybe it makes him feel young. Or successful. Or hell, maybe they’re just a distraction from whatever is eating him up inside. I just don’t want you hurt in the process, Holly. I wish you would just let him go.”
I leaned back in my chair, not sure how to respond. I knew she was right, but I didn’t want to let him go. To distract her, I changed the subject to the wedding and upcoming party a bunch of her baseball girlfriends were throwing to celebrate her engagement. Whitney lifted an eyebrow but didn’t press me.
“Hannah is excited to see you again.”
Whitney smiled with affection. “I love your sister almost as much as I love you.”
My sister was flying in for the party, and to get away from our father. I couldn’t wait to see her. I didn’t know much about the party, just that one of the wives had asked me to come up with a game. I didn’t know many of the women invited; we’d never really been introduced. Most of the players on the team in relationships weren’t allowed to hang out with Ace.
“Thanksgiving is going to be here before you know it,” I told her. “Then your big day!”
She placed her hand over her heart and took a deep breath. She was overplaying her anxiety. Whitney Harris was born ready for this day. Her wedding had been thoroughly planned before her engagement photos hit the press.
“You can ask Jack to be your escort,” she pushed, her eyebrows bobbing.
“Stop it,” I ordered and closed my eyes. Ace would be at the wedding, of course, so I wouldn’t take a date out of respect. I wondered if he’d offer the same courtesy.
Another shadow formed over our lounge chairs. I looked up to see Calvin standing there. “How are you ladies doing?” he asked and bent to give Whitney a long kiss.
“Great. How was practice after…?” I didn’t finish the sentence. The entire team took the loss to the Yankees hard yesterday. Ace had done nothing but sit in the room and drink, only coming out of his fog to make love to me twice before taking some sort of pills and going to sleep early.
Calvin didn’t have time to answer because young girls started squealing when they recognized who was in their presence. He kissed Whitney again before turning and signing slips of papers thrust out at him from every direction The look on his face said all we needed to know about practice. It wasn’t good.
Calvin signed the autographs and then pulled Whitney and me inside to get away from the screaming girls. “I wanted to talk to you about Ace,” he said.
My heart sank. “What’s wrong?”
“He’s on a downward spiral, and I don’t want him to take you down with him.”
I gripped his arm. “What do you mean?”
He blew out a breath. “I mean he’s fucking himself up, and it’s getting worse.” He narrowed his eyes at me. “Do you know he’s been using?”
Using what?
Then it hit me… drugs. Calvin thought Ace was using drugs. I blinked rapidly, and everything began to make more sense. Ace’s highs and lows. His wild energy. His deep depression.
“I’ve seen drugs at parties,” I admitted, “but nothing since I got here. He took some pills last night to sleep, but I don’t know what they were…”
Was I so foolish that I didn’t see what was in front of me?
Whitney’s mouth was hanging open, her eyes glaring into mine. “Have you taken any of those drugs?”
“No,” I said quickly, shuddering at the idea. “Do you think it’s more than occasional? Do you think he has a real problem?”
And if he did, how could I leave him? How could I stay?
“Yes.”
“Rhett’s flying in today. He needs to keep his nose clean.” Calvin leaned against the wall in the long hallway where we stood. “In fact, Rhett mentioned he wanted to see you before you leave, Whitney.” He smiled like it was no big deal.
I loved their relationship, but it still confused me so badly. Rhett had been attracted to Whitney at one time. The fact that Calvin didn’t seem to mind Whitney working on redesigning his downtown offices showed just how much trust they had in one another.
A group of people who looked like tourists came down the hallway, and we moved out of the way and got onto the elevator. I felt like a trapped mouse in the metal box. I didn’t know where to go. What to do.
“You want to get dressed and go have dinner?” Whitney asked me, her hand rubbing up and down my arm.
“Sure.” I hid my stress with a smile.
The elevator stopped on the fourteenth floor, and Whitney and Calvin got off. I hit twenty-five and took a deep breath. The doors opened, and I stepped into the hallway, pulling out the keycard to open the door.
And froze.
The room looked like a hurricane had hit it, clothes strewn everywhere. Ace was pulling cushions off of the couch, tossing them against the wall.
I wasn’t sure what to do or say, so I stood there, watching him pull at this hair as he paced the room. He turned and saw me,
and a million emotions crossed his face.
Stepping inside the room, I closed the door softly behind me and tossed my bag on a table. Ace hadn’t moved. His eyes hadn’t left me, but his face was now carefully blank.
“Looking for something?” I asked lightly, deeply afraid I now knew what he was searching for.
My words seemed to break his paralysis because he lowered his hands and looked around. “Yeah, my keys.”
The lie was like a knife, but I ignored the pain and looked at the table. I picked up the key. “Found it.”
Shame swept over his features, then he turned away and paced to the wall of windows, looking out onto the sunny, beautiful day. I laid the key back down and went to stand beside him, careful not to get too close.
“I heard practice was a bitch today,” I said, trying to chip through the block of ice between us.
“I had a hell of a day if that’s any consolation.” He laughed. It was his nervous laugh.
“That’s great.”
Silence settled around us as I stared at the waves breaking onto the sand. In. Out. Over and over, as if the ocean was breathing, giving life to the land.
“I’m going home,” I told him before I could talk myself out of it. “Back to New York.”
His face turned pale, and he leaned forward, pressing his forehead against the glass. When he didn’t say anything, I turned away, looking around the mess the room had become.
“You need help, Ace,” I said softly and walked over to replace the cushions on the couch and chairs.
“I really don’t need a lecture right now.”
The sharpness of his tone left a wound in my heart, but I ignored it. I’d already known he wouldn’t take this conversation well. I bent to pick up another cushion, then dropped it when his arms circled around me. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. And I knew he was.
I remembered how often my dad apologized to my mother, but things never changed. She loved him no matter how bad his behavior became. I didn’t want to be like that.
Leaning back against his muscular chest, I murmured, “I want to help you. We all do.” I wasn’t sure that was exactly true. But it was true on my part.
“Why?”
I turned. He needed to be looking at me when I said this, and I needed to be looking at him. “Because I love you, Ace.” The words trembled, as if they were afraid to meet air. It was the first time I’d said those words to him, and possibly the last.
He lowered his head until our foreheads were pressed together, his breath warm against my face. “I don’t know why you love me.”
I wasn’t really certain of that myself.
“That’s why we have to talk.”
He lifted his head, gazing into my eyes. It was like the windows to his soul had been opened. That scared little boy, the one afraid to fail was standing in front of me right now. He needed me. He needed someone. I had to be strong enough to love him, without being in love with him.
“It’s Jack, isn’t it?” His words were soft, holding no accusation.
“No. It’s not Jack. It’s not anyone.”
He let me go and walked over to the bar, pouring himself a drink. I wanted to tell him to stop but didn’t dare. He tossed the drink back, then poured another before turning to face me.
“I wouldn’t blame you. He’s a good guy. A nice guy.” He set the drink down and pushed his thick, dark hair from his face and held his hands on the top of his head as he let out a growl. “Calvin told me you wanted a family. A life. He told me I wasn’t good enough for you.”
Such pain. It seemed to seep from his every pore.
“It’s true,” he went on. “I’m not good enough for you.”
“Can you sit with me, please?” I sat, then patted the seat cushion next to me.
He hesitated, but he walked over and sat down. His breathing was wild, and his heartbeat could be seen in his throat. I worried he would have a stroke if he didn’t calm down. “Will you get help?” I asked.
He shook his head. “I can’t go to rehab, Holly. It’ll end my career.”
I knew that wasn’t true. He would be given a chance to clean up, and if he turned himself in for help, they could probably keep everything private.
“And my dad, what if he dies while I’m in there?”
It was easy to see that he was making excuses, not truly wanting, or believing, that he needed help. I had to stop pushing for that.
“Ace. It’s time to grow up.” I kept my voice firm.
He looked shocked. I’d never talked to him like that before. I was as shocked as he was, but it was what needed to be said.
I exhaled and pushed my hair back from my face. “I love you. I truly do, and that’s why I can’t, we can’t do this anymore.”
“Wow. You love me, so you’re dumping me?” He pushed up from the couch and started pacing the room. “You’re a real piece of work, you know that?”
I stood up too and stood in front of him, making him look at me. “I wanted nothing more than for this to be something that could evolve into a real relationship. That isn’t fair to you. It’s obvious that it isn’t what you want. And it isn’t fair to me because it is what I want.”
“I get it. I’m a fuck up, and you deserve better. Jack’s probably waiting outside the door for you, isn’t he?” He walked to the door and flung it open. The hallway was empty. He slammed the door, turned to me and shook his head.
“I’ve been in love with you a long time, Ace. I just wouldn’t admit it. I didn’t want to get hurt. It was easier to just say, no big deal. Ace is Ace. But, the other night… the way you held me. The way you talked to me. It broke open my heart and now I can’t put it back to the way it was.”
“Why not leave it open?” he asked softly.
“Because I know you’ll tear it apart.”
His jaw tightened. “I never lied to you. I never promised you anything that I didn’t deliver. You knew who I was. You knew what you were stepping into, and you wanted it, darlin’. You wanted it bad.”
“That’s mostly true,” I agreed.
“But you, little sweet innocent Holly. Who was the one lying?” His words were harsh, but I accepted the truth in them. He was right.
“The only thing I lied about was my feelings for you. And trust me, I lied to myself about them even more. I didn’t tell you about Jack because there was nothing to say. We went out. We kissed but didn’t sleep together. I’m honestly surprised that you even care.”
He took a step toward me, then stopped, raking his hand through his hair again. “I don’t want to care,” he admitted, not meeting my eyes.
“Ace, I came here because I wanted to see you, but I wasn’t expecting anything between us to change.” I smiled softly. “I love having sex with you. I love how alive you make me feel. Then something changed that first night and I can’t unchange it.” I gave a tiny laugh and pointed at him playfully. “You fucked it up by opening up to me, by being so sweet and loving. Then you ripped it all away as soon as I let you into my heart.”
He didn’t laugh with me though. The pain was back in his eyes. “So, this is it?”
I nodded. “Yeah. We can still be friends because I do love you and probably always will. I want to be by your side when you see your dad. I want to help you in any way I can. But, if you care for me at all, you’ll understand that you aren’t the man to give me what I need, what I deserve, and you’ll be happy for me when I find that man.”
He sank down on the couch again, his face in his hands. “What if I get help?” He looked up at me, his eyes shining. “If I change and actually grow up?”
I looked into those dark depths, trying to find something I could believe in. He was high right now. His pupils were huge and didn’t change under the bright light of the room.
How can I believe him right now? Believe him ever?
“That would all have to happen first. Then we could start fresh if that’s what we both still wanted,” I said softly.
His face
changed, morphing back into the cynical smirk that was so familiar. “Oh. If that’s what we still wanted,” he mocked. “So you want me to do all the work, and then, if it takes too long and you’re married off to old Jack, then too bad Ace. I lose, right?” He laughed. It was his mean laugh.
My laugh resembled his. “I came down here at your invitation, only to find you about to double team some woman in a hot tub. I think I’ve been the epitome of understanding.”
I headed into the bedroom and started grabbing my clothes, stuffing them in a suitcase.
“Stop!” Ace gripped my arm and spun me around into his chest. I listened to his breathing, to his heartbeat, and to the rumblings in his stomach from all the stress. I melted against him. I hated to lose this man. I loved him. But, he wasn’t the man I needed him to be. That’s all there was to it.
He lifted my chin, forcing me to look up at him. He leaned down, kissed the tip of my nose and smiled. “I do want you to be happy. You’re right about everything. I need to straighten my life out. I need to stop partying. Hell, you’re even right about me needing to see my dad. I do want you happy. You deserve the best. I want to be that man, but if I can’t be, that’s okay too.” He finally sounded sincere.
I pressed my face into his chest, holding onto him tightly, breathing him in. “I love you,” I murmured, and he kissed the top of my head.
“I know. For whatever it’s worth, I love you too.”
I knew he did. As much as he was capable of loving anyone.
I smiled up at him and accepted his soft kiss before pulling away to finish packing.
“Are you going to stay in New York?” he asked, helping me fold a shirt.
“Yeah, I’ve got an interview at a bakery, and I’m going to work there until I can afford to open my own.”
“I’ll buy you a bakery. But, you have to name it Ace’s Cake Batter,” he said with a laugh.
So that was the offer Whitney told me about. The one I thought I’d never hear.
I smiled at him. “That has a nice ring to it. Thank you, but I couldn’t accept such a tremendous gift.”