The Pain Eater

by Beth Goobie

  “It’s all yours now, Maddy,” she whispered, and walked to her seat.

  . . .

  One hour later found Maddy and Kara sitting on bright orange stacking chairs outside Vice Principal Vaughn’s office. August hadn’t been able to join them due to a dental appointment, but Kara had been filled in on all the pertinent details, and was wearing a determined, don’t-mess-with-me expression. It made her look remarkably like August. Maddy wasn’t sure if this made her feel nervous or possible. Her growing friendship with these two girls was changing so many things. Was she ready for all of it? Did it make any difference if she was ready?

  “This man is a lot more popular than he looks,” muttered Kara, twisting a loose strand of her long brown hair around one finger. “Come on, Mr. Vaughn – we’ve got life waiting for us sometime this century.”

  The door to Mr. Vaughn’s office opened. “You can go in now, girls,” said a secretary, nodding at them.

  They stepped into the office. With a smile, the vice principal closed the door and sat down behind his desk. “Take a seat, ladies,” he said. “What can I do for you?”

  Kara sat down, then leaned forward. “We’re here because we’d like to know what’s happening with that assault on Maddy,” she said. “When those guys tried to pull her into the can. It happened last week – five whole days ago.”

  “Yes, I remember,” said Mr. Vaughn. “Well, Maddy, I spoke with all three of them, and we reviewed the footage from the security camera posted in that area of the hall. Some of the incident was recorded, though most of it was at an angle the camera doesn’t catch.”

  “And?” prodded Kara.

  Mr. Vaughn cleared his throat. “The boys say it was a harmless prank, a spur-of-the-moment thing,” he said. “They weren’t intending anything by it. They’ve apologized and served some detention time.”

  A frown crossed Kara’s face. “They didn’t apologize to Maddy,” she said.

  Mr. Vaughn’s eyebrows rose slightly. Steepling his fingers, he tapped them together. “You’re right,” he said. “I overlooked that, and I apologize. It’s a bit late in the process now, but I can set up a meeting for an apology from the boys if you’d like, Maddy.”

  Maddy watched his fingertips tap together. She thought of the three boys, the contempt that had twisted their faces. Come over to my house to play. Come over to my house to fuck, Mad Maddy. Any apology from those guys would be a mere formality – it wouldn’t mean a thing. Mr. Vaughn knew it, and Maddy knew it. But she understood why Kara was pushing for it.

  “Did you call their parents?” Kara asked.

  Mr. Vaughn nodded. “Parents are routinely notified in cases like these,” he said.

  “Mine weren’t,” blurted Maddy. Her voice came out hoarse, an explosion in her throat.

  Mr. Vaughn looked surprised. “I’ll double-check on that,” he said. “It is policy. They should have been.”

  “Well, they weren’t,” Maddy said.

  Mr. Vaughn wrote something down on a notepad. “I’ll get to that right away,” he said.

  Maddy ran her gaze over him – the expressionless face, the natty striped tie, the once-again steepled hands. Dislike engulfed her. She sat up straighter. “They’re lying, Mr. Vaughn,” she said gruffly. “They wanted to get me in there and rape me. I know, because it’s happened to me before – rape. It happens a lot, you know. It would’ve happened then if August hadn’t rescued me.”

  Mr. Vaughn’s eyebrows rose again. “None of us know what might have happened,” he said. “And I can’t punish the boys for something they didn’t do. But I will certainly bring them in to apologize to you, if that’s what you would like.”

  Maddy took a long, raw breath. “I don’t know if that’s what I’d like,” she said. “But yeah, that’s what I want.” As Kara swelled with pride beside her, Maddy leaned forward in her chair, strengthening her focus on Mr. Vaughn’s face, intensifying it. “Because this is serious, Mr. Vaughn,” she continued. “I’m not a bump on a log, I’m a person. I’m important. And I deserve an apology, whether they mean it or not.”

  Mr. Vaughn observed her silently.

  Whether you mean it or not, Maddy added in her head. She got to her feet. “Don’t you have to go babysit your neighbor’s kids?” she said to Kara.

  They left Mr. Vaughn’s office without saying anything further to him, then stood in the empty hall outside the main office door, thinking over what had taken place. “He wasn’t even going to get them to apologize to you!” Kara fumed. “He was just going to ignore you, like you weren’t hardly even involved. But you told him, Maddy! You told him just fine!”

  “Yeah?” asked Maddy, glancing at her.

  “Yeah,” said Kara, her voice punching the air. She took a deep breath. “And I have something for you. Just a sec.” Sliding her knapsack off her back, she rooted around in it and pulled out a single piece of paper. “I wrote this for you last night. It’s a poem. Not a masterpiece, so don’t expect Shakespeare. Here.”

  “This is for me?” asked Maddy, surprise welling up through her as she accepted the piece of paper. White with blue lines, it was a regular piece of foolscap. Still floating in astonishment, Maddy read the hand-printed words:

  A Poem for Maddy Malone

  Now sky is my sky.

  I feel the sun rise up my throat.

  I speak starshine, moon wonder, flying meteors.

  Until the end of the world,

  I am here to begin.

  Warmth washed Maddy’s face. She blinked swiftly. “That’s way better than Shakespeare,” she said. “Thank you.”

  “I was sitting on my bed after doing homework and I got to thinking,” Kara told her softly. “About how when things get really crappy, it can feel like you’re over. There’s no chance for a change, something better to happen. Like with Frank.” Her voice trembled and she stopped, staring at the floor. “I guess sometimes it really is like that. But not always. Not with you, Maddy. Okay?”

  Their gaze locked, and Maddy saw that Kara was teary-eyed too. “Okay,” she whispered.

  “Okay,” Kara said again, and they were quiet a moment. “Well,” she sighed, “I have to go babysit. Will you be okay walking home on your own?”

  “Yeah,” Maddy assured her. “Kids’ll be home by now. No one’ll be hanging around.”

  Kara nodded. “See you tomorrow, then,” she said.

  A smile opened suddenly in Maddy, flashing up from her toes. “Yeah, see you tomorrow,” she said. “And thanks again for the poem. I love it.”

  They parted, and headed out of the school into their separate lives.

  . . .

  Maddy walked into her bedroom after supper dishes to find her sister sprawled across her bed, examining Maddy’s phone.

  “What’re you doing with my phone?” Maddy blurted, too shocked to be angry. “And how come you’re in my room?”

  “I’m reading your mentions,” Leanne replied without looking up.

  “No, you’re not!” cried Maddy, lunging at her, but Leanne slid the phone under her butt and lay on her back, simply looking at her.

  “What’re you gonna do?” she asked. “Go tell Mom and Dad?”

  Maddy backed off. There was no way she could take on her jock sister in physical combat and win. And Leanne had obviously read enough of her mentions to know Maddy couldn’t complain to their parents. Or could, but for some unfathomable reason, was choosing not to.

  “How’d you get my password?” asked Maddy, crossing her arms.

  “Just watched you,” said Leanne. “You might as well display it on a billboard, you’re that obvious.”

  Maddy flushed. “Okay, so what’d you find out?” she mumbled. For a while now, she’d been blocking most of the accounts tweeting at her – if tweets didn’t come from family or a close friend, she no longer saw them. But she co
uldn’t do anything about new accounts in her mentions. She’d stopped checking her notifications – hadn’t opened that tab in days.

  Leanne’s expression was unreadable. “Half the school seems to think the other half of the school has fucked you,” she said. “Multiple times.”

  Maddy’s flush deepened. “Oh, that,” she said. “That’s old, Trucker. Very, very old.”

  Leanne observed her silently. Then, as Maddy watched, her sister’s face softened. “Come on, Maddikins,” she whispered. “We’re not enemies. I’m on your side. I always was.”

  Maddy’s face twisted and she fought off the urge to cry. “Since birth,” she conceded.

  “Conception,” said Leanne. “Come here.”

  Crawling onto the bed, Maddy lay down beside her sister and let Leanne put an arm around her. “It took me a while to catch on,” said Leanne. “I was mad at you for shutting me out, so I unfollowed you. I knew something was going on, but because I was mad at you…” Her voice trailed off. “Well, I was hurt, I guess. I heard some things – just mean stuff, nothing like this – but I ignored it. Kids wouldn’t say the worst things around me, I guess. Then, at the tournament this weekend, I heard some more…stuff I couldn’t believe I was hearing. But Sunday night when I got home, the homework I had to catch up on was crazy. And I was pretty sure if I asked you straight out, you wouldn’t tell me what was going on, because if it was happening to me, I wouldn’t be talking, either. So I decided, first chance I got, I’d check your phone.”

  Leanne’s arm tightened convulsively. “Maddy, that stuff is garbage. Sewer thinking. You’re not psycho, and you’re not the world’s least choosy slut. You’re my little sister, same as you always were, and I want to know why this is happening to you.”

  Maddy stared up at the ceiling. Enveloped in her sister’s warmth, in the coconut scent of her hair, she wanted to give in, to surrender to the closeness that had always connected them, at least until the last half year. At the same time, something inside her resisted – something that pushed back; something that locked tight into itself.

  “And that gives you the right to steal my phone and invade my privacy?” she demanded, stalling for time.

  “Yup.” Leanne’s voice revealed not the slightest twinge of remorse.

  “I don’t think so,” said Maddy.

  “If you don’t tell me now, I’m going to take your phone and show it to our beloved parents,” said Leanne.

  Maddy’s heart started its deepest, most painful thud, battering her from the inside out. “I talked to Mr. Zarro,” she blurted. “Today. He let me join an after-school club for stained-glass making.”

  “Cool,” said Leanne. “Two minutes, Maddy. Then I’m going to Mom and Dad.”

  “Wednesday,” Maddy bargained. “Just give me ’til Wednesday after school, and then I’ll tell – you and Mom and Dad.”

  Wednesday was the day she was due to give the closing chapter of The Pain Eater, and Maddy had to contribute the last word on Farang’s destiny on her own – without helpful, well-meaning interference from her sister, her parents, and whatever would come out of telling them about the gang rape. Because if she told them, something would come out of it – something definite and immediate. And she needed more time – two more days – to work out Farang’s story, her own story, and how the two intertwined, by herself.

  “Why Wednesday?” asked Leanne.

  “I’ll tell you on Wednesday,” said Maddy. “After school. I’ll walk home with you.”

  “I have a game,” said Leanne. “A home game.”

  “I’ll come to the game,” said Maddy. “We’ll walk home after.”

  “No way – you’re actually coming to one of my games?” said Leanne.

  “Sorry,” said Maddy. “I’ll come to every single one from now on.”

  Leanne lay silently, considering. “That new mural you’re working on in the tree house – does it have anything to do with this?” she asked.

  Maddy stiffened. “Did you look at it?” she asked.

  “Not since the first time,” said Leanne. “Too creepy. Thought I’d check your phone first.”

  “There’s a reason for the creepiness,” said Maddy. “Wednesday, you’ll know why.”

  Leanne pondered further. “Well, you have been better this past week,” she admitted. “But I still don’t like it. Kids are saying ugly, ugly things about you, Maddy. I want to know why.”

  “Wednesday,” repeated Maddy. “Promise. Cross my heart, hope to die.”

  Leanne let out a whoosh of air. “Okay,” she said. “But you’re eating lunch with me tomorrow. And you’re walking to school with me in the morning. That’ll be early – I’ve got practice.”

  Maddy groaned. She could just see it – plodding alongside her sister while Leanne laid out the entire day for her: when they were going to meet up, what Maddy should do and say when harassed. Two full days of being broadsided by her sister’s love…. Well, it was better than being ignored. And she would bet her last dollar that none of The Masked Avengers would dare to even glance her way while Leanne was within punching distance. There were advantages to having a senior jock sister nicknamed Trucker, bossy or otherwise.

  Maddy surrendered. “Okay,” she said. “I’ll come watch your morning practice tomorrow. To make up for the games I missed. Pax?”

  “Pax,” said Leanne.

  Chapter Eighteen

  The following morning, Maddy escorted her sister to school. She sat on the gym sidelines, bleary-eyed, as the senior girls’ volleyball team ran laps and spiked balls. She even managed not to scream when, at a signal from Leanne, the entire team came at her, hoisted her onto their shoulders and carried her around the gym, singing “For She’s a Jolly Good Fellow!” When they set her down, Maddy was giddy with giggles, convulsing with them. The team crowded around her, patting her back and cheering her name. The air shimmered with goodwill.

  “Okay, ladies,” called a beaming Coach Wurzer. “Showers for everyone or you’re gonna stink up your classes.”

  The team headed for the changeroom, still cheering Maddy’s name. Watching them go, Maddy wondered how much Leanne had told them – not that she cared, really. Whatever it was, the team was certainly on her side. Not everyone thought she was the world’s least choosy slut, and just knowing that, feeling how much the team had wanted to show their support…well, it put a decidedly different slant on things. The comments that came at her later that morning still hurt, but they no longer staggered her heartbeat. Maddy started working on her shrug response.

  Still, things were edgy in a way she couldn’t quite catch hold of. Like Nikki, Sean, and Elliot in yesterday’s English class, it was all quick glances, hit-and-run sneers, students looking at their phones then at her with eyes that knew something she did not. Then, in her morning math class, an image of a naked woman hanging from a guillotine was sketched onto the whiteboard when the teacher momentarily stepped out. And Maddy was tripped in the hall as she was heading to her French class, her books scattering as she hit the floor. No one extended a hand to help her up; no one even slowed to look. But the worst came in French, where Jennifer Ebinger sat one desk ahead, her back rigid, her silence loaded.

  Jennifer’s refusal to speak to her left Maddy feeling as if she’d been sucker-punched. What had happened with Jenn? she kept wondering. Maddy hadn’t talked to her about Mr. Zarro yet, so it couldn’t be that. Had Jenn heard one of the rumors going around? Had she read something online? Had she believed it? What was it that moved in on kids and ate their minds like this? Tired out by thinking about it, aching from it, Maddy headed to the nearest girls’ washroom at lunch break. She pushed open the outer door and made for the farthest cubicle of three, which appeared to be the only empty one. As she reached it, the cubicle door nearest the washroom entrance opened, and Julie came out.

  Maddy froze. Still in the process of doing
up her jeans zipper, Julie looked up and their eyes met. Julie’s eyebrows rose, and she gave her signature smirk.

  “Hello, Maddy,” she said.

  Maddy didn’t know why it was – graphic hallway comments didn’t bother her anywhere near the way that smirk did.

  “Mad mad mad-for-it Maddy,” Julie added in a singsong.

  The middle cubicle door opened and Dana emerged. When she saw Maddy, she snorted. “Smut slut,” she quipped, crossing to the counter and depositing her books. “What I haven’t read about her on Twitter ain’t worth mentioning.”

  A flush seared Maddy’s face. Heat invaded her brain; all rational thought went up in smoke.

  “I heard she was at Stan Sassoon’s party last week,” said Julie, crossing to the counter to stand beside Dana. “And she gave it up free of charge to whoever wanted it.”

  “Does she usually charge?” asked Dana.

  “They even gave her a bedroom all to herself,” sniggered Julie. “And whoever dropped in to see her, of course.”

  Dense with shock, Maddy could barely move. “I wasn’t at any party,” she blurted.

  “Not what I heard,” cooed Julie, turning to examine her makeup in the mirror.

  “Definitely not what I heard either,” said Dana, winking at Julie.

  Maddy stared at the backs turned to her, the reflection of the two smirking faces that watched in the mirror. Watched the way kids watched all day long – sideways in their desks, sneering over their lunches, and tossing endless comments as they passed in the halls. Gone was the memory of Leanne and the team; gone was the inner voice telling her to keep cool, to shut the hell up and get out of there. Inside her brain, heat swelled, fused into quantum thermodynamics, and exploded.

  “I wasn’t at any party fucking whoever came along!” she shouted. “I haven’t been at a party in months – seven months. You know why? You know why the goddamn hell why?” Raising a hand, Maddy pointed it at the now-wary faces watching her in the mirror. “Because your boyfriend and two of his friends raped me last March. Yes, your boyfriend,” she screamed at Julie. “Ken Soong. Pete Gwirtzman. And Keith Janklow. All of them together. And it was rape, not sex. They weren’t my boyfriends – I didn’t want them. So fuck you and your goddamn lies. Now you know the truth. Eat that and see how you like it.”