The Secretary's Secret

by Michelle Douglas

  Her mouth went dry. But…Davey wasn’t Chad. If Alex reacted this way to a child he wasn’t related to, how would he react to his own child?

  She swal owed back a sob, not wanting to frighten Davey.

  Davey’s bottom lip wobbled. ‘I only wanted to help. Alex doesn’t like me.’

  ‘Of course he does, honey.’ She pul ed him in close for a hug before moving back towards Caro, unable to meet her friend’s eye. ‘Alex hasn’t been feeling very wel lately. I think he might be coming down with something.’

  Caro raised an eyebrow, but Kit was grateful she didn’t snort.

  ‘Hey there, soldier!’ Frank popped his head up over the fence. ‘Want to come see the baby birds in the nest on my shed?’

  Davey’s face lit up. ‘Can I, Mum? Can I go over to Uncle Frank’s?’

  ‘Okay.’ Caro laughed and pointed a mock-threatening finger at Frank. ‘But mind you don’t feed him more than two biscuits. He’s had two already.’

  ‘Aye, aye, Captain!’

  Caro contemplated Kit as Davey raced across next door. ‘Why are you wasting your time on this man, Kit?’

  Was she wasting her time? She folded herself into her chair, hunched down to rest her head against its wooden slats. Nausea and exhaustion pummel ed her.

  ‘I mean, you had to see the look on his face when he held Davey. Not even Blind Freddy could’ve missed that!’

  She had. Shock, wonder and then pain—a dark, searing, tear-the-heart-out-of-your-chest pain.

  And she’d wanted to help him. In that moment it hadn’t mattered if he was going to stay or not.

  Nobody should be asked to endure that kind of pain on their own.

  ‘Kit, do you real y believe Alex can change?

  Come to terms with fatherhood? Be there for you and the baby?’

  Kit moistened her lips and swal owed. ‘I know if our positions were reversed, I’d be asking you these self-same questions. Caro, my head knows what you’re saying. It’s saying the same things.’

  ‘But?’

  But her heart was another matter entirely. It hit her then that she’d been so busy trying to reconcile Alex to the idea of fatherhood that she’d forgotten to protect herself. She’d left herself wide open. She’d fal en in love with him again.

  If she’d ever fal en out of love with him in the first place.

  What a mess!

  She forced herself to state facts. ‘You know he threw up when I told him I was pregnant. Right there in the azalea bushes.’

  ‘Oh, honey.’ Caro leaned across, clasped her hand. ‘I’m sorry.’

  Kit squeezed it back. ‘But he took me to the medical clinic al the same and he looked after me until I was over the kidney infection. He knew he didn’t have to stay, but he did and he never made me feel bad about it. Not once.’

  ‘Just as wel !’

  ‘His parents died when he was twelve and he went to live with his mean old grandfather. You and me, we both missed our dads, but our childhoods were great.’

  Caro shook her head, but she was smiling. ‘You are such a soft touch.’

  ‘Every time I’ve just about given up on him, I find out something that gives me hope again. You know, he hasn’t had a proper holiday in nearly five years.

  He took leave the month before last and spent it doing aid work in Africa, helping to build an orphanage.’

  She’d gril ed him until he’d told her every single detail about it. She could stil remember the way his eyes had shone.

  ‘Not the actions of a man entirely beyond hope,’

  Caro final y agreed. ‘But, honey, I’m so scared you’re going to get hurt.’

  Kit pul ed in a breath. It was too late to go back now. ‘I know having him here is a risk, but…’ She now. ‘I know having him here is a risk, but…’ She leant towards her friend. ‘There’s too much at stake to just give up on him. He’l do what he considers his duty—pay child support and whatnot.’ She flattened her hands over her burgeoning stomach and stared at it in wonder and gratitude. ‘I want more than that for my baby, Caro. I love it so much already. If anything I do now can help Alex with his issues and embrace fatherhood, then…’

  ‘Then you’l do it.’

  ‘I have to,’ she whispered, her throat thickening and her eyes stinging. ‘I know I might fail. I know the odds aren’t great.’ After what she’d just witnessed, they might wel be non-existent, but… ‘I have to at least try. Otherwise, how wil I ever be able to look my child in the eye when it asks me about its daddy?’

  Caro didn’t say anything for a moment. ‘What about what you need, Kit?’

  ‘The baby has to come first.’

  ‘Sure it does, but it doesn’t mean you’re not al owed to have hopes and dreams for yourself too.

  You know I’d lay my life down for Davey, but it doesn’t stop me hoping my white knight wil turn up.’

  With al her heart, Kit hoped that would happen for her friend.

  ‘You love him, don’t you?’

  It was useless trying to hide from the truth. She gave a weary nod. ‘I started fal ing for him the first time I laid eyes on him. If I believed in such things I’d have said we’d known each other in a past life. It just felt that…right.’

  And then they’d made love. There had been no going back after that.

  ‘Do you know how he feels about you?’

  ‘I know he likes who I am.’ She hesitated. ‘I sometimes think he has me up on some stupid pedestal. And I know he’s stil attracted to me.’ Her heart fluttered up into her throat. There was no denying she was attracted to him.

  ‘But something is holding him back?’

  ‘Yes.’ Chad.

  ‘Honey, if you can’t get to the bottom of it, no one can. If and when you do, he’l be your slave for ever.’

  Kit wished she shared her friend’s confidence.

  ‘And if I fail, you’l be there to help me pick up the pieces.’

  ‘Just like you’ve always been there for me.’

  ‘Caro, if Alex can’t be my birth partner, wil you do it?’

  Caro leaned over and hugged her. ‘I’d be honoured.’

  Kit found Alex on her rock.

  She didn’t mean to. She hadn’t gone looking for him. She’d just needed to get out of the house.

  She’d needed the fresh air and spring breeze to blow away the fears and worries crowding her mind.

  She’d come here to her rock to remind herself of al the good things she’d stil have in her life if Alex did leave. Just the thought of Alex leaving bleached the colour out of al that was good. She swal owed and settled one hand on her stomach. That wasn’t true. If Alex left she’d stil have her baby, and her baby was a very good thing. An amazing thing.

  A miracle.

  She’d give thanks for her baby every day.

  She stared at the rigid lines of Alex’s back and shoulders and clenched her hands. Why was he finding this so hard? Their baby wasn’t Chad. Their situation was different. Sure, the prospect of a new baby was scary, but it was joyful and wonderful too.

  Or it would be if only he’d let it.

  She blinked hard. She should leave him be. He obviously wanted privacy. Maybe her rock would help him find a measure of peace. She turned to leave, but he swung around as if some sixth sense had told him she was standing there.

  ‘Oh…’ The words dried in her throat as emotion, yearning, her love for him, al swel ed up through her.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she final y choked out. ‘I didn’t know you were here. I didn’t mean to disturb you. I’l go.’

  ‘No!’ He leapt to his feet. ‘This is your spot. I’ll go.’

  His vehemence, his evident desire to put her at her ease and to do what was right, made her smile.

  ‘I’m happy to share. There’s room enough for two.’

  There was room enough for an entire family, but she left that particular thought unsaid.

  He shrugged. ‘I’m game if you are.’

  He
moved forward and offered her his hand, helped her clamber down. He let her go again as soon as it was safe, and she immediately missed his sure strength, his warmth. She tried to make do with the sun-warmed rock instead.

  She rested back on her hands and lifted her face to the sun. ‘Summer is nearly here. I love summer.’

  When she glanced back at him, she found him staring out to sea. Her heart crashed and ached and burned. Was he wishing himself a mil ion miles away?

  Regardless of his sentiments, it couldn’t be denied that this stay here at least agreed with him physical y. His forearms and calves had grown tanned from the sun. His body, if it were possible, had grown harder and leaner.

  She’d love to see him naked.

  Oh!

  She must’ve made some betraying noise

  because he turned to her. She waved a hand in front of her face as if shooing a fly.

  ‘Look, I’m sorry. I know I freaked out back there earlier with Davey.’

  That was one way of putting it.

  ‘But al of a sudden he was up on that scaffolding with me and al I could think was, what if he fel ? It’d be my fault.’

  ‘No, it wouldn’t. Caro and I should’ve been watching him more closely. I keep forgetting how quick he is.’

  When he didn’t say anything else, a weight settled in her stomach. She stared at the water flowing in the channel. If she fel in now she had a feeling she’d sink to the very bottom. ‘Tel me about Chad.’

  Every line of him stiffened. ‘Why?’

  She lifted one shoulder. ‘Because I know that’s who Davey reminded you of. He’s such a big part of you even though he isn’t in your life any more.’ Alex didn’t say anything. She swal owed. ‘How old was he when he started to sleep through the night? Where did he take his first step?’

  did he take his first step?’

  Alex’s hands clenched to fists.

  ‘What was his favourite toy?’

  He swung to her, his face twisted. ‘Talking about Chad, remembering him, whatever you think, Kit, it doesn’t help.’

  The hairs on her arms lifted and her heart raced.

  ‘You’re not the only one who is scared, you know?’

  she burst out, unable to keep the wobble from her voice.

  He frowned then. ‘You’re scared?’

  If she had the energy, she’d have smiled at his incredulity, if she could just get over the ache flattening her chest and stretching behind her eyes and pounding at her temples first. ‘Dammit, Alex!

  Some days I’m terrified.’

  She couldn’t bear to look at him any more, knowing the distance that stretched between them.

  She stared down into the strong current that rippled down the channel as the tide came in, at the clean, clear water. Then blinked when a silver-grey shape lifted out of that water. ‘Oh, look!’ She pointed at the myriad of fins that surfaced. ‘Dolphins.’

  In the past it had never mattered what it was that she’d brooded about as she’d sat out here; when the dolphins arrived things never looked so bad.

  From the way Alex leaned forward to get a better view, from the way his back unbent and his shoulder unhitched, she figured maybe they had the same effect on him.

  ‘What are you scared about, Kit?’

  ‘That I’l be a terrible mum. That I’l be impatient and yel a lot and that being home with a baby wil be so intel ectual y and mind-bogglingly boring that I’l lose myself and blame the baby.’

  ‘Oh.’ The word broke from him softly as if he’d thought her above worrying about such things. As if the thought hadn’t occurred to him that such things could worry her. ‘I think you’l make a great mum. I don’t think you’l get impatient or yel . You never did at work. I know you loved your job, but how much more wil you love your baby?’

  He had a point.

  ‘As for this baby brain you talk about, you’re doing the crossword and playing word games and I know you’l beat it. Maybe you could pick up some part-time work that wil give you some down-time from the baby?’

  She eyed him uncertainly. ‘You don’t think it’s a mother’s role to be with her baby twenty-four seven?’

  ‘Nope.’

  She let that idea sink in. ‘I’m scared of other stuff too.’

  ‘Like?’

  ‘What if dirty nappies make me puke?’

  ‘Keep a bucket by the changing table.’

  That made her laugh. She sobered a moment later. ‘I wonder how I’l cope with months of broken sleep. I wonder how I’l cope if I get sick again.’

  ‘You have lots of friends al wil ing to help you out.’

  ‘I know, but…’ She wanted it to be him she shared al those things with—the difficulties and the joys of adjusting to a new baby.

  He’d loved a child once. Didn’t it mean he could love another one?

  ‘But?’

  ‘I know al those things, but it doesn’t make the fear go away. I…I mean, the thought of the labour terrifies me.’ She gulped when she realized what she’d said. She hadn’t meant to reveal quite so much.

  Turbulence raged in those dark eyes of his. ‘Then why are you going through it?’

  ‘Because the hope is greater than the fear.’

  Something fluttered in her stomach—like a hiccup

  —only it didn’t come from her.

  ‘What is it?’ Alex barked when she held herself suddenly stiff, al his energy focused on her. It almost threw her concentration. She loved watching his muscles bunch like that, his eyes narrow in readiness.

  ‘Hold on…’ She held up a hand. There! It happened again.

  It was the baby!

  ‘Oh, Alex, look!’ She grabbed his hand and pressed it to her stomach.

  ‘What am I—?’

  She pressed his fingers more firmly to the spot where the hiccup feeling grew. ‘Can you feel that?’

  Wonder fil ed her.

  ‘What is it?’ He frowned. ‘Should I take you to the clinic?’

  She laughed for the sheer joy of it. ‘That’s the baby, Alex. That’s the baby kicking.’

  For a moment she thought he meant to pul his hand away but, almost as if he couldn’t help it, his hand away but, almost as if he couldn’t help it, his fingers spread across her bel y and gently pressed against her, sending darts of warmth shooting through her. ‘The baby?’ he whispered, almost as if he were afraid of waking it up.

  ‘Uh-huh.’ She nodded. ‘Isn’t it amazing?’

  ‘Yes.’ Then he frowned. ‘Does it hurt?’

  He would’ve pul ed his hand away only she laid her hand on top of it to keep it there, to maintain this tenuous three-way connection—him, her and their baby. ‘Not a bit. It feels…wonderful! I’ve been dying for this moment.’ Her grin must stretch al the way across the channel to Forster.

  His eyes widened. ‘This is the first time?’

  She couldn’t get the grin off her face. ‘The very first time.’

  Alex’s wonder made him look younger. The grooves either side of his mouth eased, the creases around his eyes relaxed and the darkness in his irises abated, his lips tilted up at the corners, and it al made Kit catch her breath.

  Beneath her hand, his hand tensed. She dropped her gaze to stare at their two hands. Neither one of them moved, and in less than a heartbeat desire licked along her veins. She wanted to lift her gaze and memorize every line and feature of his face, the texture of his skin, while she could. Here on her rock.

  So she could have this memory for ever.

  She didn’t need to look up to do that, though. His every feature was already branded on her brain. She knew that dark stubble peppered his jaw. Alex needed to shave every day, but he’d skipped that chore this morning, eager to get started on the painting instead. Her palm itched to sample that roughness, her tongue burned to trace it, to taste it…

  to tease him.

  Today he looked more like a disreputable pirate than a civilised businessman and a thril coursed through her at the
danger she sensed simmering just beneath the surface.

  Final y obeying the silent command she sensed in him, she lifted her gaze to his. At the edge of his right eyebrow was a tiny nick, as if he’d once had a stitch there. She’d always meant to ask him about it, but her breath came in shal ow gulps and her pulse had gone so erratic she didn’t trust her voice not to give her away.

  His eyes burned dark and hot as they travel ed over her, and her soul sang at the possessiveness that transformed his features. No longer afraid of revealing her desire for him, she lowered her gaze to his lips. Need, hunger, thirst al speared into her. Her lips parted. Her eyes searched out his again, pleading with him to sate her need. If she couldn’t taste him just one more time she thought she might die.

  Something midway between a groan and a growl emerged from his throat. His hand tightened on her stomach. Her hand tightened over his. Yes! Oh, please, yes!

  Stil Alex held back, his eyes devouring her face as if he was picturing in vivid detail every caress he meant to place there. He didn’t lift his hand from her abdomen and it felt like a promise. His fingers splayed, sending darts of need right into the core of her, making her tremble with the intensity of her desire.

  His other hand came up to cup her face, his thumb traced the outline of her bottom lip, dipped into the moistness of her mouth, traced her lips again, moved back and forth over them as if to sensitize them to the utmost limit of their endurance before taking her to the next level with his lips and mouth and tongue.

  She started to pant, wanted to beg him for his lips, his mouth, his tongue, but stil his mouth didn’t descend. With a low growl she flicked her tongue across his thumb. He stiffened as if electrified. She drew his thumb into her mouth, circled it with her tongue, suckled it until his eyes darkened to obsidian.

  And then final y, slowly, inexorably, his head lowered and her blood started to sing. His body blocked out the sun and, as he moved closer and closer, al she could see was the light reflected in his eyes. His lips touched hers, moved over hers—

  surely, reverently, thoroughly—her eyes fluttered closed and, as the kiss deepened, light burst behind her eyelids. Every wonderful Christmas, every sun-drenched summer and visiting dolphin, every bright and beautiful thing that had ever existed in her life gained a new vitality in that kiss.