A Daughter's Choice

by June Francis

  ‘What the hell are you doing here?’ he said to his brother, ignoring Sarah.

  Jack said pugnaciously, ‘I’ve come home. What does it look like?’

  ‘Off the Irish boat! Shouldn’t you have come here first?’ said Mick, his expression hardening. ‘I don’t know what you’re playing at but you’ve really upset Pops after all he’s done for you.’

  ‘Done for me!’ exclaimed Jack wrathfully. ‘Me being a doctor was what he wanted. I never had the freedom of choice you Ryans had.’

  ‘You’ve had more money spent on you.’

  ‘That’s not my fault!’

  ‘I suppose not. But it’s not Katie’s fault she was born a girl and you hated her for that.’

  Jack reddened. ‘I don’t hate her! Besides, what’s that got to do with what we’re talking about?’

  ‘Plenty, I’d say! So get off and see Ma and Pops and say you’re sorry, then go back to Scotland and work to pass those exams.’ Without even a glance at Sarah, Mick strode off and did not look back.

  ‘I know where I stand with him all right,’ she said in a tight voice as she watched his tall upright figure go through a doorway.

  ‘Ducks and drakes,’ said Jack grimly, picking up their suitcases. ‘You’ll definitely have to make up to our Ben now if you want to marry into the family. Let’s get a taxi and you can drop me at the Arcadia.’

  ‘OK. Tell Aunt Kitty I’ll call round later. I’m going to ask her for a job.’

  Jack raised his eyebrows but made no comment as he headed for the floating roadway which had been built in 1874 to accommodate heavy horse and cart traffic. He was feeling angry after what Mick had said and did not need a crystal ball to guess what his father would have to say, but as it happened it was Kitty he had to speak to first.

  ‘Where’ve you been?’ Kitty frowned at her youngest son. ‘You didn’t answer my letter. I’ve been worried, and you’ve really upset your father failing your exams – as if we didn’t have enough worry!’

  ‘I never received your letter,’ said Jack, experiencing a familiar hurt that she had not bothered even to make the effort to hug him. ‘I’ve been in Ireland with the O’Neills.’ His tone was sullen.

  ‘What! You went there instead of coming here? That’s hurtful, Jack,’ she said, voice quivering.

  He looked away. ‘They make me welcome and I needed space to think, which I wouldn’t have got here,’ he muttered.

  ‘Well, I hope it’s done you some good! Your father wants you to resit your exams. It’s nonsense your saying you want to be a farmer. What do you know about farming? It’s because you failed, that’s what it is. But doctoring’s in your blood, son.’

  ‘So is music,’ he said, changing his mind about telling her the truth. ‘Pops made sure I learnt to play the piano and the violin and I’ve been teaching myself the guitar.’

  ‘Say no more!’ She held up a hand as if to ward him off. ‘You’re not thinking you’re going to become a pop star? That would be stupid.’

  He shrugged. ‘Someone has to do it. Look at Cliff Richard and Tommy Steele! I bet they’re rich. Anyway, I haven’t made up my mind. I might farm. The O’Neills would have me working on their place like a shot.’

  The blood seemed to rush to Kitty’s head. Her hand shot out and she grabbed his arm and pushed him into a chair, sitting down close beside him. ‘This is all about Katie, isn’t it, Jack? But it’s not me you’re hurting by what you’re saying, it’s your father. I don’t care what you do –’

  ‘That doesn’t surprise me,’ he said, trying to control his voice. ‘You never have cared.’

  ‘Shut up! That’s a lie.’

  ‘Like the one you’ve lived all these years, pretending Katie was the girl I wasn’t!’

  ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about! So I wanted a daughter and I pretended? I did it mainly for Katie – I didn’t want her to feel unwanted or ashamed because she was illegitimate. We didn’t know if she was Mick’s child then. We still don’t know for sure.’

  ‘You didn’t want me! You dressed me in a bonnet and made me wear pink!’

  ‘I was ill. I got to love you eventually.’

  ‘You didn’t want another boy,’ he droned, as if his mind was stuck in a rut. ‘You didn’t want me!’

  ‘You’re not listening!’ She shook him. ‘Becky O’Neill desperately wanted Siobhan to be a boy, but would you say she’s unloved?’

  Jack stared at his mother and shook his head. ‘But she wasn’t sent away from home at five years old, and she didn’t come back and find someone else had taken her place in the family and was getting all the attention.’

  ‘There was going to be a war!’ Kitty’s blue eyes pleaded desperately for his understanding. ‘It broke our hearts sending you away but we wanted you to be safe. Everything we’ve ever done for you has been because we wanted what’s best for you.’

  ‘Sending me to Edinburgh wasn’t best for me.’

  ‘I didn’t want you to go! But you loved Scotland and seemed to want to get away!’

  ‘Because of Katie, that’s why, and to please Pops. It was where he’d gone for his training.’

  ‘I wish I’d known, but you never said anything or showed in any way that you didn’t want to go.’

  ‘No,’ he said in a low voice. ‘That’s because I wanted your approval, but in the end it made no difference. You were still wrapped up in Katie because you wanted her, not just because she was a girl but for the Arcadia. That’s the reason you’ve been living a lie all these years. You and Pops with your oh-so-strong principles! You lied to Mick. You lied to me. You lied to Katie. I almost feel sorry for her. Well, you’re reaping what you’ve sown, Ma, and I hope you’re satisfied!’

  ‘Don’t talk to your mother like that!’

  Jack’s head turned and he saw his father standing in the doorway with such a stony expression on his face that Jack got to his feet, fists clenching. ‘It’s true,’ he said. ‘I was never wanted here. I don’t know why I came. Anyway I’m going back to the O’Neills.’

  ‘So that’s where you’ve been? But you’re not going back there. You’ll go back to Scotland to resit your exams, laddie.’

  ‘See?’ yelled Jack, exasperated. ‘That’s all that matters to you! You and Ma are both trying to fulfil your own dreams through me and Katie. You brainwashed her into accepting it was her duty to take over the Arcadia. Duty! I bet she’s had as little fun as I have, really.’

  John growled, ‘Keep your voice down. I know it’s come as a shock to you about Katie but you never liked her anyway, did you laddie? You’ll no doubt be glad she’s gone.’

  Jack stared at him and hesitated before saying, ‘I’m not answering that. I’m leaving. I’ll be a farmer, I –’

  He got no further. John brought a large hand across his son’s face. The slap resounded round the kitchen. ‘Then get out, you ungrateful wee sod!’ he shouted. ‘But you won’t be able to go running to the O’Neills. After what I’ve got to say to them, they won’t allow you near the farm.’

  Jack could scarcely believe what had just happened. His father’s handprint was a burning painful red on his cheek. ‘You wouldn’t!’

  ‘Try me,’ said John, eyes glinting. ‘He owes me his life. Do you think he’s going to go against me? Without money, a farm labourer is all you’ll end up as. So think, laddie, what’s it going to be?’

  ‘Perhaps I’ll be happy as a farm labourer,’ said Jack in a hard voice, and stormed out.

  Kitty stared at her husband and said in a trembling voice, ‘You shouldn’t have done that!’ Then she hurried after her son but Jack was too quick for her. He had already left the building and was running down the Mount. She tried to catch up with him but suddenly collapsed in a heap outside the post office.

  Sarah turned up at the Arcadia later that day expecting to find Kitty in the kitchen. Instead she found John peeling potatoes. ‘Hi!’ she said tentatively. ‘Is Aunt Kitty around?’

  ‘She’s lyin
g down. What is it you want, Sarah? If it’s Ben or Mick, neither of them is home yet.’

  ‘No, I didn’t want either of them. I-I –’ She toyed with the handle of a saucepan. ‘I’ve just come to offer my help.’

  ‘You’ve what?’ He stared at her, his surprise obvious.

  She flushed. ‘I mean it.’

  John made an effort and smiled. ‘How are you at making something simple?’

  ‘Like what?’ she said cautiously. ‘I’m not much of a cook. I was thinking more like being in Reception and welcoming people.’

  ‘Reception can look after itself. People can press the bell if they want us. I was thinking of you making a big rice pudding. I can tell you what to do. Eileen’s gone to her grandmother’s and we’re short-handed.’

  Rice pudding didn’t sound too bad. ‘OK,’ Sarah said, taking off her swagger coat and hanging it on the back of a chair. John handed her an apron and began to tell her exactly what to do.

  She was washing dishes when Ben entered the kitchen later that day. He thought he was hallucinating because he had pictured this kind of scene so often in his dreams: Sarah, domesticated and living in their own little house, cooking his tea and carrying his baby. Was it really her? He put his arms round her and cupped her breasts with his hands and nuzzled her neck, giving it little bites.

  She yelped. ‘What did you do that for?’

  ‘You’re real!’ he said.

  ‘Of course I’m real, stupid!’ She gazed up at him from her great dark eyes. ‘Are you nuts?’ Her hair was untidy and wisps of it hung about her flushed face. He thought she looked lovelier than he had ever seen her before.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ he said as casually as he could.

  She smiled. ‘What does it look like I’m doing? I’m working. I thought your mum needed a bit of help so I volunteered.’

  He could hardly believe it. ‘There has to be a catch,’ he murmured. ‘You haven’t given up on our Mick and this is your way of getting round him to forget Celia and his Katie girl?’

  Sarah stuck her nose in the air. ‘You’re so suspicious, Ben. But I’m only doing what you said and thinking about your mother. I’m here because I genuinely care about Aunt Kitty.’

  ‘So you say,’ he said dryly, having come down to earth with a bump. Taking his dinner out of the oven, he added, ‘Where’ve you been for the last few weeks? Ma could have done with you before now. Eileen had a fit right in the dining room last night and so Ma had to stop her waiting on. Eileen burst into tears and left. It’s been pretty dire here.’

  ‘Jack’s gone too.’

  ‘Jack! I didn’t know he was home.’

  She rested her back against the sink and told him what she knew before adding, ‘Me and your Pops have been rushed off our feet. Aunt Kitty’s in bed. She had a funny turn apparently.’

  Ben stilled and his face wore the expression of an animal sensing danger. ‘Ma never takes to her bed,’ he rasped.

  ‘Well, she’s in bed now. You know, Ben,’ she said without pausing, ‘you really hurt me last time we met. But I realise now you’ve probably made Rita up to make me feel jealous.’

  ‘You ask our Mick about Rita. I think he found her quite attractive.’

  ‘He did, not you?’ Sarah dried her hands and went over to him and put her arms round his neck. ‘I’m not going to get angry with you. Now tell me what Rita’s like?’

  Ben hesitated, wanting to kiss her so badly, to run his hands all over her body, to love her, to take her – but he remembered what Mick had said about playing hard to get. Almost as if he had conjured his brother up the door opened and Mick entered. Immediately Ben and Sarah stepped away from each other.

  But he did not appear to have noticed anything. ‘Hello, Sarah. What are you doing here?’ he said, taking off his cap and putting it down on a chair.

  She sighed and said, ‘You tell him, Ben.’ And reaching for her handbag, she took out a tin of Nivea and began to cream her hands which were not their usual smooth selves.

  Mick looked at his brother. ‘Well?’

  ‘Sarah’s practising discretion but apparently Jack’s been here and gone, Eileen’s at her gran’s and Ma’s in bed. It’ll be us doing the guests’ supper drinks tonight, mate.’

  ‘Ma never takes to her bed,’ said Mick, frowning. ‘I’m going up to see her.’

  ‘I was just thinking of it,’ said Ben, and moved towards the door.

  Sarah placed the lid on the Nivea and hurried after them. They met John on the stairs, looking grim again. ‘Have you told them?’ he said. Sarah nodded. ‘I’m going to telephone your parents and have a word with them about Jack,’ he said.

  ‘Right!’ the three of them replied and carried on upstairs.

  Kitty was sitting in bed propped up against a couple of pillows. The light was on but she was not reading or sewing but just gazing into space.

  ‘You all right, Ma?’ said Mick, sitting on the side of the bed and covering one of her hands with his.

  She focused on his face but did not smile. ‘Jack said I was reaping what I sowed in Katie leaving – and now he’s gone too,’ she murmured. ‘Where did I go wrong, Mick? I just did what I thought was right. I gave out love and worked my fingers to the bone, doing my best to make your lives happy.’ She sounded bewildered. ‘Perhaps Katie’ll never return? I feel like chucking my hand in right now.’

  ‘You’re tired, Ma. You’ve had a bad few weeks. Things’ll look better in the morning.’

  ‘That was what I used to think but I don’t know any more.’ She moved her head restlessly on the pillow.

  Ben said, ‘Remember our Teddy going missing and turning up just like a bad penny? Our Mick did the same, except he came back from the dead! You’ve just got to keep your chin up, Ma.’

  ‘I’ll try,’ she sighed. ‘But it isn’t easy at my age.’

  Sarah looked shocked. ‘Never confess to being old! That’s what Mammy says. I’ll bring you up a hot drink and you just think happy thoughts. I remember you saying that to me once when I stayed here.’

  ‘All right, love,’ said Kitty in a docile voice, and closed her eyes.

  ‘Hell!’ said Mick, as they went downstairs. ‘She’s not a bit herself.’

  ‘We’ve got to find Katie,’ said Ben. ‘It’s no good us sitting around waiting for her to get in touch. We don’t know what she’s up to or what she’s thinking. She might believe she’s not wanted here any more.’

  ‘So where do we start?’ said Sarah.

  Ben looked at her and could not forget the things she had said about Katie. ‘I couldn’t trust you,’ he said abruptly.

  ‘Thanks very much!’ She sounded hurt. ‘What do you think I’m going to do to her?’

  ‘You just mightn’t crack on if you find her.’

  ‘Shut up, you two,’ hissed Mick, smiling as he made way for one of the guests to pass and saying, ‘Good evening.’

  None of them spoke about Katherine again until they were in the kitchen and the men were eating their dinner. Ben took from a drawer the well-thumbed Southport Guide. ‘Right, Mick! How are we going to do this? Do we let Sarah help us?’

  ‘If she wants to and has the time, working here. We’ll get there quicker if the three of us share the task. Pass me the Guide.’

  Ben did so and Mick opened the book and ripped pages out.

  ‘What the hell are you doing?’ said Ben, frowning as his brother passed him several sheets. ‘This isn’t the best way. We’ll be coming back on ourselves. It would be easier to take a street or an area each.’

  ‘That’d mean more time sorting it out. Have you seen how many hotels and boarding houses there are?’

  ‘Of course I have.’

  ‘There you are then,’ said Mick. ‘Just take what you’ve got and do what you can with it. And while we’re all walking round, who knows? We just might spot Katie and then we’ll take it from there.’

  Chapter Eleven

  ‘Have yer gorrany puppies?’
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br />   ‘No. You’d see them if we had any,’ said Katherine, resting her elbows on the counter and wondering when Celia would return with Mrs Evans from town. She had promised to be back well before Katherine went to work that evening at one of the pubs down the road. By slapping on make-up and putting up her hair, wearing her tight black skirt, white satin blouse and best high heels, she had persuaded the owner that she was older than she was and he had taken her on to help out in the bar. Celia did not approve but Mrs Evans had surprised them both by chuckling when Katherine had paraded in front of them, saying she was as good as the films and that it wouldn’t do Celia any harm to do something with herself.

  ‘Will yer be gerrin’ any in?’ said the youth.

  ‘There’s none down in the book.’

  ‘When d’yer think yer’ll be gerrin’ any in?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Well, when yer do gerrany in, d’yer know if they’re gonna be girls or fellas?’

  Katherine could not believe it. ‘I’ll be able to tell you when we get any in,’ she said slowly.

  He beamed. ‘Right yerrah, lah. I’ll see yer on Saturday.’ He left the shop.

  Katherine groaned and dropped her head on her arms. She and Celia had been here two months now and this was only her fifth stint working in the shop but that did not mean she had been sitting twiddling her thumbs for the rest of the time. Decorating and sorting out upstairs had taken some doing and she had marvelled how in this day and age, when high-rise flats were going up all over the place and people were buying televisions and washing machines, they should be living in conditions that were more thirties than fifties.

  ‘Can I have some cuttlefish, ducks?’

  ‘We’ve got no fish,’ she said, without lifting her head. ‘I don’t know when we’ll be getting any in or what kind they’ll be if we do.’