Her friend crossed one leg over the other. “First of all, who gives a shit how old he is, so check that excuse at the door. It’s not like he’s twenty-one. Second, he’s an amazingly talented artist, and from what I know about him, he does quite well for himself. And bless him for being comfortable enough to sport all those yummy tats and piercings. Third—” she took a sip of her wine, “—I highly doubt he’d do harm to Casey. For all you know maybe he’d be good for her.”
“Yes, but—”
“Everything after ‘but’ is bullshit.” Ginny placed her hand on Sonja’s arm. “Sweetie, you’ve been single for a long time. I can’t recall you ever dating. Maybe it’s time. Does he make you happy?”
“Well, yes. When he’s not picking fights with me.”
“He picks fights with you? About what?”
Sonja sipped her wine. “He fights with me about everything. Says I need to lighten up, have some fun. I really think he derives a perverse pleasure from getting me fired up. The man is relentless.”
Ginny smiled and squeezed Sonja’s arm. “Foreplay.”
“That’s exactly what he calls it too! I don’t get it, and I think it’s insane. I just know when it happens, I don’t know whether to kill him or take him to bed.” Sonja laughed, but tried to stifle it, knowing the wine had encouraged her to toss that little tidbit out there.
“Oh, sweetie, do not miss this chance. Take it from someone who knows; they don’t come along all that often.”
“I just don’t understand why we can’t keep things as they are. Yes, the sex is…well frankly, it’s earth shattering. But why can’t he leave it at that?”
“Because he’s not stupid, and he knows he’s found a good thing. Because underneath your disease, a little something some of us call ‘chronic seriousness’, he sees what the rest of us who love you also see: your amazing heart, mind and beauty.”
She couldn’t imagine how her friend saw those things in her. Sonja sure didn’t see them in herself. “So you think I should go for it. Just, give in and give him what he wants?”
Ginny raised her glass again. “Absolutely. I think you need to do it.”
“And you think I should introduce him to Casey too?”
“Definitely.”
She traced the rim of her glass with her fingertip. “I don’t know. This could go very badly, Ginny.”
“So what? At least you tried. It’s better than missing out and spending the rest of your life wondering ‘what if’.”
“Lord.” Sonja pressed her hand to her chest. “What if I can’t? It’s a risk, especially if I introduce him to Casey. It’s a tenuous balance with her right now.”
“I think he’s exactly what you need, Sonja. Truly. Let yourself have something good for once, honey.”
Sonja swallowed the last of her wine. The problem with “something good” was reality eventually hit and the good lost its shine. Her marriage had been good, until it no longer was. If she made this happen with James, the light of reality would shine on it and maybe the glare would ruin it. It would mean operating on blind faith alone, and Sonja wasn’t sure she could do that. “I have to think about it.”
“Don’t wait too long. Like I said on the plane, I’ll take him off your hands.” Ginny grinned.
“Like hell! You keep your paws to yourself, lady. You’ve already dated half the eligible bachelors this side of the Hudson. You can steer clear of my man.” Sonja laughed and then covered her mouth. Shock rolled through her at what she said. Maybe she did want him to be hers—even if accepting what she wanted versus what she felt she needed seemed impossible. She certainly didn’t want him with anyone else.
“That settles it.” Ginny patted Sonja’s leg and stood, still wearing her mile-wide grin. “Time for me to go. I need to catch up with one of those eligible bachelors you mentioned. Maybe I’ll get lucky one of these days and one of them’ll be a keeper.”
Sonja got to her feet too. “Thanks for coming over and making me talk about it.”
“Anytime. I’m always a phone call away. We need to do dinner soon. I want to see Casey and check out what color her hair is now.”
“It’s purple and pink. Bring your sunglasses.”
Ginny laughed. Sonja linked arms with her friend and walked her to the front door. With a hug they said their goodbyes, and then Sonja went in search of her phone. The idea of giving in to James terrified her, but, regardless, she needed to call him and apologize for how she’d treated him. It was probably better if she did it in person. She just wasn’t sure if she had the courage to face him tonight, or tomorrow even.
Chapter Thirty
Jimmy walked into his loft more lost than he’d felt in years. Even in college, when he’d discovered his girlfriend—who he’d been about to propose to—was cheating on him and he’d broken things off so fast his head had spun, hadn’t compared to the situation with Sonja. And that’d been some seriously profound heartache he’d suffered.
He still couldn’t believe he’d walked out on Sonja like he had. But worse, he couldn’t believe she’d let him. Jimmy hadn’t left expecting her to follow, but it still hurt like a motherfucker facing the reality that the woman really didn’t give two shits about him, unless he was fucking her, of course. Then she liked him just fine.
Tossing his keys onto the kitchen counter, he grabbed a beer from the fridge and plopped his ass on the couch. Equal parts anger and hurt vibrated through him. The anger was preferable. He picked up his cell and looked at the screen. No messages. He almost laughed at his stupidity. Sonja hadn’t come after him, so what in the hell made him think she’d message him? He lobbed his phone aside and turned on the television. Flipping through the channels wasn’t much of a distraction, but it was better than nothing.
His phone rang and he dropped the remote and scooped it up. His brother’s picture took up the display. Swiping his thumb across the screen, Jimmy put the phone to his ear. “Hey, Ry.”
“What’s up, brother?”
Jimmy ran his fingers through his hair. “Nothing I want to get into right now. You?”
“Haven’t heard from you in a while. Figured I’d give you a holler.”
“I know. Been a little busy. Good to hear your voice though.” He took a swig of his beer. “Oh, damn, wait. I almost forgot. Did you get things settled in court for the visitation crap?”
“Hell, yes. The judge ruled in our favor. Ultimately I wish they didn’t have visitation at all, but at least the Houstons still have to come here to L.A. to see Jacob. I did agree to revisit the agreement after Jacob turns ten.”
Jimmy blew out a sigh of relief. “Thank God. I knew the judge would see it your way and do the right thing. Congrats, man.”
“Thanks, Jimmy. Maiya and I are both so relieved it’s over and settled.”
“Speaking of, how is your girl doing?”
“Maiya’s awesome. She and Jacob are like two peas in a pod.”
“Ah, bro, that’s even better news. See, I told you things would be good if you loosened your ass up.”
“Yeah, yeah. I know. She moved in, but I’m sure Mom already told you.”
Jimmy let out a burp. “Yup, heard about it a while back. Guessing that’s what you mean by two peas in a pod.”
“Jesus, you’re so sexy. How are you still single?” Ryan laughed.
Jimmy slouched down on the couch, letting himself curl up inside the sound of his brother’s voice. He missed Ryan more than he liked to admit. He loved his life in the Big Apple, but there were those times, kind of like right then, when he needed his family. “Enough with the flattery. So, you two are good?” Jimmy ran his hand over his jaw. “I mean, you thinking you might take this girl down the aisle?”
“I’m thinking so, yeah. Crazy, huh?”
“No, not crazy. It’s a good thing, Ry. You deserve some happy in your life, and she make
s you happy. Only a matter of time the way I see it.”
“I haven’t popped the question yet. But it’s been on my mind a lot lately.”
“Mom and Dad know?”
“Not officially, but you know Mom. She always knows. Half the time before we even do.”
Jimmy chuckled. “No shit. It’s why we never got away with anything as kids. Woman has gut instincts that rival a damn psychic.”
“Scary shit. Tell me what’s happening with you. Last time we talked, which was forever ago, you were taking that lawyer you met in Vegas to some charity event. You still seeing her or moved on to someone else?”
Jimmy blew out a breath. May as well spill his guts to his brother. “Yeah, still seeing her, at least up until about an hour ago. Not so sure now.”
“She’s not your type; I’m surprised it lasted this long. Who’s on deck next?”
“No, she’s not my type. About as much as Maiya is yours.”
“Point. You saying she’s got you by the short hairs?”
“You admitting Maiya’s got you by yours?” Jimmy moved into the kitchen, grabbed another beer and wandered back to the couch.
“Damn straight. And I have no problem admitting it either.”
He took a long swig of the fresh beer. Sonja definitely had him by the short hairs. No doubt about it. “Bro, I’m fucked here. For real.”
“Hang on a second. Hey, baby, can you get him started in the bath? No, it’s Jimmy. Yeah, I’ll tell him.” Jimmy heard the clear sound of a kiss being exchanged. “Maiya says hi.”
“Tell her hi back. And fuck me, you sound all in love and shit.” Jimmy shook his head, letting out a sigh. “It’s a good thing.”
“It is. Thanks. Now, tell me what the hell’s going on.”
“She’s awesome. Sonja. She’s just…she’s awesome. But…”
“But?”
“She’s got this damn wall around her I can’t get through.”
“Shit, I know how that is. Maiya may as well’ve had the Pentagon surrounding her she was so closed off.”
“I didn’t expect it. I mean, she’s older, which doesn’t matter to me, but I guess I thought…fuck, I don’t know what I thought.”
“What’s her deal?”
“I don’t know what’s at the heart of it, but she says she’s too busy for things to be serious between us.”
“She’s a lawyer, so I imagine that’s pretty legit.”
“Yeah, but she’s got time to go to dinner and lunch with me, and plenty of time to fuck me. But that’s where it ends. Hell, tonight was the first time I’ve ever been to her place, and the only reason that happened was because we had a fight and she gave in.”
“That’s weird. Why haven’t you been at her place?”
“She’s got a kid, a daughter. She’s fifteen. Sonja hasn’t introduced me to her. Basically, her personal life is kept personal. I haven’t been invited in.”
“Sounds like you might be wasting your time.”
Jimmy stood and started pacing. “I know. But, Ry, when I think about not being with her my guts turn inside out and, I can’t… God, I can’t walk away. And the sex? Fuck’s sake, the sex is…I can’t even describe it to you. It’s never been like it is with her.”
“I get it. Believe me, I get it. What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. Tonight, I got so upset with her I walked out of her house. Basically told her fuck you, and left.”
“Let me guess, she didn’t come after you, did she?”
“What do you think? I’m talking to you on the phone right now, aren’t I?”
“Guess not.”
“This is fucked, Ry. I’m spun on this woman, and I don’t know how to right myself. Hell, I don’t know if I’ll ever be right again.”
“Is she worth it?”
Jimmy stopped and stared out the windows of his loft. Was she worth it? It wasn’t a hard question. And his answer was easy. “Yes.”
“Then dig in and fight for her. It’s what I had to do with Maiya. Of course, when I couldn’t take it anymore, I did give up, but she got herself straight and came to me, thank God. I know if she hadn’t come back I’d have spent a long-ass time hurting for her.”
Jimmy leaned against the back of the couch. “Was it worth it for you?”
“Hell yes, it was worth it. Even with all the bullshit we had to overcome, I wouldn’t trade a damn minute of it.”
“Thanks, Ry.”
“Shit, don’t thank me. It’s about time I got to be here for you, for once.”
“Give Jacob a big squeeze for me. Tell him his uncle loves him. Give your girl a squeeze too.”
“You got it. Call anytime, Jimmy.”
“Will do. Night, bro.” Jimmy disconnected.
Tipping back the bottle, he took a long swallow and then checked the time. It was a little after eleven p.m. If he was going to dig in and fight for her, he sure wasn’t going to make any ground sitting in his living room, sucking down barley and hops until he passed out. Jimmy grabbed his keys from their resting place on the entryway table and headed out the door.
Sonja slipped on a white, silk nightie before pulling the towel from her head. She settled on the settee in the corner of the bedroom, glass of wine beside her on the small table, and combed through her long hair.
The hot bath she’d taken had done her a world of good, helping to ease the tension from her limbs and silence the static in her head. The debate in her mind regarding James, and whether or not to give him more of her time, had continued, but at a much slower pace.
She wanted to try, at least a little, to let him into her world. She just wasn’t sure how to go about it. As Ginny had pointed out, Sonja hadn’t dated anyone since splitting from Thomas. Between her ex’s constant, unannounced visits, work, and her daughter, it’d been easier not to bother.
Sonja cringed. Everything she’d done, almost her entire life, had been because “it was easier”. Going to private school. Attending law school. Marrying Thomas. Taking over the firm. The memories stirred a simmering pot of anger in her belly. All of it had been because it was expected of her, and not because she’d chosen it.
The only two things Sonja had decided for herself were having Casey, and then years later, getting a divorce. Her father hadn’t wanted her to have a child so soon. Thomas hadn’t either. Certainly neither her father nor Thomas wanted her to get divorced. But she’d done both. At least she could hold her head high regarding those choices. So why was it so hard to choose something for herself again? Why deprive herself of something that felt so damn good? Finishing up her hair, she set down the comb and picked up her wine. Maybe she was punishing herself for stepping out of line… “Well, there’s a hundred-and-fifty-dollar-an-hour diagnosis.” Sonja laughed and took a sip of her wine as the doorbell rang.
She set her wine on the table beside her, tugged on her robe and then made her way to the front door. At such a late hour she kept her footsteps light as she approached the door and peered out the peephole. Her mouth dropped open, and she stepped back. No time like the present, she supposed, to talk this through—courage to do so being optional, of course. Apparently James felt the same because he was standing outside her door, looking as gorgeous as ever too. So unfair.
The bell sounded again, and then he knocked. “Sonja, it’s Jimmy!”
Sonja drew in a deep breath, smoothed her hands down her stomach and then swung open the door.
He crossed his arms. “We need to talk.”
“Please. Come in.” She stepped back, motioning for him to enter. “Do you want a drink?”
“No. I’m good.” He ran his fingers through his hair, and her hand twitched at her side, wanting to feel the dark strands herself. “I have things I need to say.”
“Okay. I have a glass of wine in my room. I’d like to go get i
t.” She moved to walk past him.
“Fine, we can talk in there.”
She stopped. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“Really? I think it’s a perfect idea.” The determined look in his eyes brooked no argument.
“All right then.” Sonja made her way to her bedroom. She took a seat on the settee and picked up her glass from the table. James walked into the room and removed his shirt. Sonja’s eyes went wide. Oh shit. “James, I—”
“Nope. It’s not time for you to talk right now. Right now, it’s time for you to listen.”
She closed her mouth and frowned at him. “Fi—”
“Ah, ah, ah.” He knelt before her and pressed a finger to her lips. “No talking.”
Sonja sighed through her nose and rolled her eyes. A smirk spread across his lips, and she had to resist the urge to bite his finger. She could be quiet and draw a little blood at the same time. No problem.
After a moment, he moved his hand and ran his fingers through her damp hair. “You smell delicious. Like lilacs.” Dipping his head, he pressed a kiss to her chest. Sonja shivered from the soft touch of his lips on her skin. He parted her legs, moved between them and then cupped her face in his palms. “I have things to say to you, and I need you to listen to me very carefully. I don’t want you to talk. Do you understand?”
All of this was said in a hushed tone, his lips hovering a bare breath away from hers. She stopped herself from answering and nodded instead.
“I don’t know what it’s going to take. Or how long. I don’t know why you have a rock-solid shell around you. Or if you’ve always been this way, but it doesn’t matter.”
Sonja swallowed past the knot rising in her throat. He hadn’t moved away, his lips so close to hers, she could barely focus on anything but the warmth of his breath while he whispered to her and how intent his gaze was. Her body vibrated in full awareness of him. His hips wedged between her open thighs. His hard, bare chest, pressed against her torso. Sonja kept her hands at her sides, terrified if she touched him, she wouldn’t be able to stop.
Defensive Heart: The Donnolleys, Book 2 Page 20