Too Much Information

by Missy Johnson

  I smile at that and take my beer, then flick on the TV. We both stare at it absently. I’m not watching it, and I don’t think he is, but it’s better than the silence that was dominating the room.

  “Are you okay?” I ask him.

  I feel like it’s all I’m saying, but what else is there?

  He nods and then shakes his head. “I don’t know. I can’t put into words what I’m feeling, because my thoughts are all over the place. I’m just…” He sighs and then covers his face with his hands. “I’m calm one second and then terrified out of my mind the next. I’m just… a mess.”

  He frowns at me.

  “And I haven’t even asked you how you’re doing. I can’t even imagine how this must be for you.” He takes my hand and kisses it. “I’m so sorry, Laura. I’ve ruined everything,” he mutters.

  “It’s okay,” I whisper.

  My heart races as he leans over and kisses me on the lips. His eyes plead with me, but I don’t know what for. I can feel his pain and it’s breaking my heart because I want to reassure him, but I can’t.

  “I might just go to bed. I think I just need to…”

  He doesn’t even finish the sentence. He just gets to his feet and walks out of the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

  Switching off the TV, I sit there in the darkness with my head resting back and stare at the ceiling. I’m doing my best not to fall into a cycle of self-pity, and make this about me, but it’s hard. Sometimes I just feel like it never ends, because it’s one cruel twist after another.

  I’m not sure how much more I can take.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Luke

  I lie there awake, staring into the darkness for the whole night, until dawn begins to break. At some point, Laura joins me, but I pretend to be asleep, until I hear the soft sounds of her snoring. When I’m sure she’s sleeping, I sneak out of the bed and sit on the couch. It’s cold, but I don’t care. I’m too numb to care about anything. I feel like my whole life is a lie because I’ve had this huge part kept from me. Every time I close my eyes, I see Maya’s face, which is strange, because I haven’t thought about her in nine years. Maybe that was the problem. If I’d kept in contact, then she might have told me about Allie, I rationalize to myself.

  I don’t start work until eight, but I decide to go in early.

  I thought the distraction would help, but all I end up doing is sitting in the staffroom, alone, waiting for my shift to begin. Ironically, exactly what I was doing at home, anyway.

  I toss my phone from one hand to the other. I look down, startled, when it vibrates loudly. I unlock it and navigate to the new message waiting for me. It’s the realtor, letting me know that my apartment is ready for me to move into. I frown at the message, because it’s just another problem I’m in no condition to face today. Sighing, I shove my phone in my pocket and lean back against the chair. My head pounds from lack of sleep and the fourteen coffees I’ve had are making me jittery.

  Maybe I should’ve just called in sick.

  “You’re here early.”

  I look up and see Lewin, leaning against the doorframe. He stares at me, his usual frown on his face. I stand up and nod at him. I hate him seeing me like this.

  “I couldn’t sleep.”

  “Great. Then you’ll be in fine form to assist me in Ben’s heart transplant.”

  My head shoots up. Did I hear him right?

  “You mean his mechanical heart?” I clarify.

  “No. A match just came in. He’s getting his transplant today. A real heart.”

  I stare at him, my eyes wide. “Are you serious?”

  Lewin frowns at me. “Am I the kind of guy to joke around?”

  “That’s true.”

  I laugh because I can’t believe it. This is just what I need to get me through today.

  “So, what do we need to do?” I ask.

  “Well, I need to prepare Ben for a seven-hour open-heart surgery.”

  “And me?” I wait anxiously.

  “You need to go home and get some rest,” he replies. He sighs as he looks me in the eye. “You’re in no condition to help me out with this. You know that as well as I do.”

  “Are you kidding me?” I glare at him. “After everything I’ve done to help that kid, you’re not going to let me assist?”

  “If I did, you’d probably end up killing him. You want that on your conscience? Look at yourself. You’re a mess, Luke. Be thankful that he’s getting his heart and leave it at that. By all means, sit in the galley and watch, but I can’t let you in there.”

  I curse under my breath and stalk past him. Out in the corridor, I run straight into Laura. She frowns at me, her smile faltering when I don’t return it.

  “Are you okay?” she asks. “You left early,” she adds.

  “Ben is getting a new heart.”

  “Isn’t that good news?” she asks softly.

  “Sure. Only Lewin doesn’t think I’m fit to be in there, helping out.” My voice is flat, which is ironically exactly how I feel. She frowns and glances down. I shake my head. “And you don’t think I should be in there, either. Fucking great.”

  “Did you sleep at all last night?” she asks softly. “Put yourself in his position,” she adds when I don’t answer. “Would you want you in that surgery?”

  “I have to get out of here,” I mutter. “I’ll see you later.”

  I push past her and race outside, stalking over to my car. I open the door, but just as I’m about to get in, a hand shoots out to stop me. I turn around to glare at the person and find Laura standing there.

  “Can I show you something?” she asks.

  I start to protest, but she slips under me and slides in behind the wheel. I give up and walk around, getting in the other side, because I don’t have the energy to argue with her.

  “Where are we going?” I ask her as she takes off.

  “You’ll see.”

  A few minutes later, we pull up outside a hotel. I shake my head. Is this some ploy to get me to sleep? It wouldn’t matter where I was; here, at home, or my car. I wouldn’t be able to sleep.

  “This isn’t going to work,” I say. I’m frustrated, because all this is doing is wasting her time and money.

  “Humor me.”

  She frowns at me until I give in and get out of my car. I follow her inside, standing back while she speaks to the receptionist. A few minutes later, she takes my hand and leads me to the elevator. We ride up to the tenth floor and then get out. I follow her down the hallway, not saying a word. She stops outside number one twenty-four, a satisfied smile on her face, then she unlocks the door. She walks in, with me following her. I stand there and stare at her as she sits down on the bed and studies my face.

  “Do you know where we are?” she asks.

  “A shitty hotel?”

  “Not just a shitty hotel. This used to be the children’s hospital before they built a new wing at Mercy. This very spot where I’m sitting is where I spent three weeks recovering from my first major surgery when I was thirteen. There used to be a hospital here before they built this hotel.”

  I stare at her. I had no idea she’d been through anything like that.

  “What happened?”

  “I was in and out of the hospital for a lot of my teen years, but what was wrong isn’t the point. You think I cared who did that surgery? No. What made the difference to me was the intern who sat on my bed for two hours that morning, explaining to me what they were going to do. And the resident who used to let me beat him at poker every afternoon, just to take my mind off things. He spent his lunch break with me. They’re the names I remember, because they made the difference to me.”

  “Why did you bring me here?” I ask, even though I already know the answer

  “Because I see how much you care about patients, like Ben, and then you rip yourself apart because of it. I wanted to show you that those kind of doctor’s matter too. That you matter.” She pauses for a moment and looks u
p at me. “Ben doesn’t care if you’re in that operating room or not. He cares if you’re there for him before and after.”

  “You’re amazing. You know that?” I walk over and sit down next to her.

  “I’m just pointing out what you already know,” she says.

  I lie back and rest my head in her lap. She gently strokes my hair as I close my eyes, then she leans over and kisses my forehead. I sigh, remembering something else.

  “I got a text from the realtor. My apartment is ready for me to move in.”

  “That’s great,” she says.

  “Is it?” I gaze up into her eyes, trying to figure out if she really means that or not. “Yesterday, I was all ready to tell you that I didn’t want to move out. Now I feel like after everything that’s happened, staying wouldn’t be fair to you.”

  I reach for her hand, because there is so much I want to tell her. Once I start opening up to her, it all wants to come tumbling out. And that’s probably for the best. I need to get all of this out now. Even if it kills me.

  “More than anything, I want you to be okay with Allie, but I know I have to respect that this is a big thing to accept and it’s going to take time. I don’t think it’s fair to have Allie come over to your place while you’re doing that. Maybe me moving out would be the best thing, at least until we know where we both stand.”

  I look at her, wishing she would say something, but she won’t even meet my eyes. My heart pounds. All I want is to hear her say that everything is going to be fine.

  “Now would be a great time for you to say something,” I add anxiously.

  “The problem is I don’t know what to say.” She takes a deep breath and forces herself to look me in the eye. “I wanted you to stay, more than anything…”

  “And now?”

  “I don’t know.” She looks like she’s about to cry. “I don’t want to be the reason you don’t get to know your daughter. Maybe you should focus on your relationship with Allie, and then work out where we stand.”

  I open my mouth to argue, but then I don’t. I haven’t slept properly in days. Now isn’t the time to be making major decisions that will affect the rest of my life. I stifle a yawn, fighting the urge to close my eyes, but I’m so tired.

  I could so easily fall asleep…

  I open my eyes and look around, taking a moment for them to adjust to being awake. I’m still lying on the bed, with my head resting in her lap. I sit up and rub my eyes, stifling a yawn. I think I feel worse than before, if that’s even possible.

  “What time is it?” I yawn. “I can’t believe I actually fell asleep.” I shake my head, and then cringe when I remember what we were talking about.

  “You’ve been asleep for nearly six hours.” She smiles.

  “Well, shit. I guess I needed it.”

  “We can go back to the hospital, so you can watch the surgery up in the galley, if you like?” she asks.

  “That would be good,” I say, gratefully. “Thanks for bringing me here and telling me about what happened to you.” I glance around the room again and shake my head, smiling for the first time all day. “They really tore down a children’s hospital to build this shitty hotel?”

  She laughs and nods. “If it were a good hotel, I could kind of understand it, but this?” She shakes her head. “The first time I came here it felt so weird. Lying here in the dark now, all I could think about was how all those years ago I was in this very spot, feeling just as alone and scared.”

  “What was the surgery for?” I ask her.

  She’s quiet for a moment, then she speaks.

  “I had a reproductive disorder that meant my body produced large cysts. Sometimes they just kept growing. When I was fourteen, one burst and became infected. It nearly killed me. I was in the hospital for weeks recovering, which led to more surgeries…”

  “That must’ve been rough,” I say, feeling for her. I had no idea she’s been through so much.

  She nods. “It was, but it could’ve been worse. I mean, I survived, right? I’m still here. Apparently, it could have easily gone either way.”

  She pauses and looks up at me, her eyes meeting mine.

  “There’s more,” she mutters. “I have to tell—”

  She stops when my phone interrupts her. I glance down as it vibrates madly in my hand, my heart stopping when I see the message. It’s a page from Lewin, telling me to get back to the hospital ASAP.

  “Shit,” I mutter.

  “What is it?”

  “Lewin paged me. He wants me there now.”

  I stare at the alert, my heart pounding. This can’t be good. Laura stares at me for a moment then she nods and gets to her feet.

  “Let’s go, then.”

  We check out of the hotel and race to the car. Laura insists on driving, and given how anxious and scared I’m feeling, it’s probably not the worst idea. I stare out the window, annoyed that the traffic is stopping us from getting there faster.

  “He must have died.”

  Laura glances at me. “You don’t know that.”

  “Why else would Lewin page me?”

  She doesn’t answer. She reaches over and squeezes my hand, trying to reassure me.

  We pull into the parking lot and I jump out while Laura finds a parking spot. I race inside, sprinting down to the other end of the hospital, toward the operating rooms. I stop at the board and search through the schedule for Ben’s name, but I can’t find it.

  I’m too late, a voice inside my head says.

  “Did you find him?” Laura asks. She pants, her cheeks flushed red, like she ran here. I shake my head, and then she grabs my arm. “Luke. Down there.”

  I look in the direction she’s pointing and see Lewin waving at me. Thank God. I run down the corridor toward him. I try to read his expression, but he gives me nothing.

  He nods through the window of the intensive care unit room he’s standing in front of. Ben lies on the bed, surrounded by equipment, but he’s alive.

  “I thought you’d want to know,” he says. “Sorry if I had you worried. These stupid pagers only allow for about three words. He’s stable, and for now, his body is accepting the new heart. Things are going as well as we could have hoped.”

  “Thank fuck for that,” I say, breathing out.

  Lewin glances at me. “What’s going on with you? I know you’ve been worried about Ben, but you’re even more stressed out than usual.”

  “It’s nothing,” I mutter. “Just some personal issues I’m trying to work through.”

  “Okay. Well, go home and figure them out.” He frowns at me “If you need to talk…”

  I glance at him and choke back a laugh. I couldn’t imagine opening up to Lewin about anything, but I appreciate he cares enough to offer.

  “Thanks,” I say.

  “Go home and get some sleep, okay? You look like shit.”

  Laura wraps her hands around mine. I smile and kiss her on the lips. She hesitates for a second, and then pulls away as though she’s embarrassed to show affection at work.

  “Listen to Lewin and go home. Get some rest, okay?” she says.

  “What about you?” I frown.

  She shakes her head. She smiles, trying to hide the troubled look in her eyes.

  “I’m fine. Don’t wait up for me, okay?”

  “Sure.”

  I watch her as she walks down the hallway, away from me. I have no idea what just happened, or what to do about it. Do I give her space or make her talk to me? That’s the thing. I don’t know. I have no idea where she’s at with the whole Allie thing. We need to talk, but not here and not while I’m running on empty.

  I walk from my car into Laura’s apartment, texting Abbey on the way to see if we can arrange for me to spend time with Allie tomorrow. I let myself inside and collapse on the couch. I’m exhausted and not even sure I can make it to the bedroom. I glance around, feeling bittersweet at the idea of moving out. I don’t want to leave Laura, but maybe it is for the best. At lea
st until Laura figures out whether Allie is a deal breaker for her. The last thing I want to do is put extra pressure on her and I think by staying here, that’s what I’m doing.

  I climb into bed and stare at the ceiling. I’ve got the gnawing feeling that I’m going to struggle to sleep again, only this time, it will be a number of things keeping me awake. Sighing, I reach for my phone to check for a reply from Abbey. I sit up when I see the little message icon.

  Abbey: Sure. She would love to see you.

  Me: How about the park near the hospital? I take my lunch break at twelve. There’s a playground and ducks there.

  I frown. Is eight too old for ducks and playgrounds? I shake my head. I guess I’ll find out.

  Abbey: Sounds good. We’ll see you then.

  I close my eyes and try to force myself to sleep, which turns out to be even more unsuccessful than every other technique I’ve tried. All I can think about is Laura. She’s still not home, which makes me wonder if she is avoiding finishing our conversation. I know she started early, and while she could be doing a double, it was more likely that she went to stay with Matt, or Becca, rather than come back her. I’m trying so hard to do the best thing for both of us, but nothing feels right. I’ve got the sinking feeling that nothing is going to be able to save us.

  #

  Between the fatigue, looking after Ben, and the nerves about spending time with Allie, it’s been a killer of a day already, but the moment I see Allie, my mood begins to lift. I wave at them as they walk across the park and over to where I sit. It’s still so surreal to look at her and think she’s my daughter. I made her. How freaky is that?

  “Hey,” I say when they’re close enough to hear me.

  I smile at Allie, who shyly smiles back at me. She tucks a loose blond curl behind her ear, which makes me smile. All those honey blond curls and that bright grin… she’s definitely going to be breaking hearts one day—which also means I’m going to be breaking some necks.

  She stands so close to Abbey that she’s almost using her as a shield. It’s a cold day, much colder her than I was expecting, so I suggest we sit around the other side of the park, inside the small café. Allie walks between us as we cross through the park in that direction. The burst of warmth that hits us when we walk inside, is a welcome change.