“Want a milkshake?” I ask, raising my eyebrows at her.
“Oh, yes, please.” She nods
“Chocolate?” I guess.
“You mean there are other flavors?” she jokes with a laugh.
“And a coffee for you?” I say to Abbey.
“Cream, no sugar.” She nods.
I order our drinks and then lean against the counter to watch Allie. She laughs at something Abbey says and I feel a stab of jealously. It comes so easily for them. I hate that she’s so much more relaxed when I’m not around. I get why, but it still hurts to think that I’m her father and she’s not comfortable around me. I know that she’s known Abbey all her life and comparing myself to her is never going to end well, but I can’t get doubts out of my mind. My own daughter can barely say a sentence to me. What if that never changes?
What if we never have a real relationship? I wonder.
We take our drinks back outside. It’s warmer now the sun has come out. Allie feeds some birds her left over bread from breakfast, while Abbey and I talk. I keep my phone on, just in case Lewin needs me.
“How’s she doing?” I ask.
“She’s doing well, all things considered.” She glances at me. “You, on the other hand, look really nervous.”
“You think?” I shake my head. “Sorry, I’m just really tense. Not just about this, but about everything. Allie. Work…”
Laura.
“It must be really stressful, what you do,” she sympathizes.
I shrug. “It is, and it isn’t. A little boy I’ve been looking after got a new heart yesterday. He’s about Allie’s age.”
“Wow, that must’ve been scary for his mom,” she says with a frown.
“It was, but without it, his prognosis was very poor. It feels good to make a difference, you know?”
I watch Allie, a knot forming in my stomach. I felt so much for Ben. I couldn’t even imagine if it were Allie in that situation. I don’t know how Marissa handled it.
I turn to Abby. “What do you want out of this?”
“Pardon?” She stares at me, shocked by my question. “What do you mean?” she asks, frowning at me.
“I mean, why are you here? I know that you want what’s best for Allie, but on some level, you must be hoping for a particular outcome.” I pause for a second, because I’m not even sure what I’m getting at. “Do you want to leave her here with me? Take her back home? What do you want, Abbey?” I ask quietly.
“Leave her here…” Her voice trails off. She shakes her head, her eyes flashing with anger. “You think that’s what this is? You think I want to abandon my niece in a country she’s never been to, with a man she barely knows?”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t know what to think. I’m just… this is the first time I’ve ever had this kind of thing dropped on me,” I say.
I cringe when I think about what I just said to her. It came out completely not how I had intended it to. I hope she understands that I didn’t mean it like that.
“I want to do what’s right, but I can’t figure out what that is,” she says softly. “One thing I do know, is that rushing into anything is a bad idea. For the both of you. I’m not planning on leaving her here with you, if that’s what you think. I don’t know what the right thing is. Whether she eventually lives with you or whether she stays with me and my husband and you visit her every now… I don’t know. I just don’t know.”
I nod, because neither do I.
“I didn’t realize you were married,” I say after a while.
She smiles. “Yes, Sam and I are going on six years now. He’s why I moved to London. We’ve got a little girl. She’s two.”
“Allie must love that.” I grin.
“She does. I think Jessie has really helped her heal after her loss. The last few months have been hell on that poor kid.”
I watch Allie giggle as a duck chases her and smile.
“Hey, do you guys want to come to my place for dinner tonight?” I ask.
“Sure.” Abbey smiles. “That sounds great.”
“What’s her favorite meal?” I ask, nodding at Allie.
“Well, that’s an easy one. Spaghetti Bolognese.”
“I’m pretty sure I can manage that.” I chuckle.
#
I leave Allie and Abby in the park and head back over to the hospital. I try calling Laura on the way, but there’s no answer.
When I get back, the first thing I do is go to the ICU and sit with Ben for a while. He’s still in an induced coma to give his body the best chance at accepting the heart, but I hate the thought of him being alone in there, hooked up to all those machines. I sit there for nearly an hour and talk about random things that would mean nothing to anyone who isn’t an eight-year-old boy. I look up and see his mother standing there, smiling at me. I smile back, embarrassed that she caught me rambling to her son.
I stand up. “Sorry, I’ll leave you alone.”
“Don’t be sorry and please don’t feel like you have to go.”
“No, I should’ve gone back to work a while ago, only he wouldn’t shut up.” I grin.
She laughs at my joke, then her expression turns serious.
“Thank you for sitting with him,” she says. “I had to go and do some errands. It will mean a lot to him that you came to visit.”
“I’m just glad he’s doing okay,” I say, touched by her words.
“He is, and it’s all thanks to you and Professor Lewin. I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for us,” she adds, her voice a whisper.
She steps forward and wraps her arms around me, hugging me. I respond awkwardly, caught off guard by her gesture, but then I relax. It feels good. It’s like everything Laura said to me in that hotel room yesterday is validated by this reaction. The gratitude she feels toward me, makes it all worth it.
As I leave work that evening, I spot Laura outside. She has her phone in her hands, but she’s too far away for me to yell out to, so I call her phone. She stares at the screen, and then ignores my call, placing the phone back in her pocket. My heart races. What was that? If I ever needed proof that she’s avoiding me, there it was.
#
I walk around her apartment, feeling lost. It feels weird, leaving like this, but I think it’s the best option. We didn’t really resolve anything yesterday at the hotel, but I got the feeling that she needs space. Then, when she ignored my call… I need to give her the space to work all of this out, and maybe I need it too. I sit down at the kitchen counter to write her out a note. I intend on writing one or two sentences, but before I know it, I’m pouring my heart out. It feels good to just let it all out. I stand up and walk over to the door, where I pick up my suitcase. I take one last look around her apartment before I walk out.
I head toward my apartment, but then drive straight past it, because I need to speak to someone. Someone who understands what I’m going through. Someone who was there. Matt met Maya, and Laura is his sister. He’s the only person that can really understand everything.
“Matt,” I call out.
I bang on his door again, this time louder. I’m not sure what I’m going to say to him, mainly because I don’t know what Laura has said. She might not have told him anything. The door swings open and an angry looking Matt stalks outside.
“Can you shut the fuck up,” he hisses.
Fuck.
The baby.
“Shit, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I forgot about Elina,” I mumble, rubbing my head.
He stares at me and shakes his head, his anger turning into concern.
“What’s wrong?”
“Uh, how about everything?” I shake my head and laugh.
“Sit down,” he orders, guiding me down the porch.
I sit down on one of the seats leaning against the wall
“Okay, talk to me,” he says.
I lower my head. “Jesus, where do I even start?” I mutter. “You know who turned up in the ER the other day?”
“Who?” he frowns.
“Abbey. As in Maya and Abbey.”
Matt’s eyes widen. “Are you kidding me? What did she want? Was Maya with her?”
“Nope, but her daughter was.”
“Her daughter?” he asks.
I nod and look at him. “My daughter.”
“Jesus fucking Christ.”
“Yep.”
“Maya died in a car accident six months ago, and Abbey has been trying to find me pretty much ever since.”
“Holy fuck,” he breathes. He shakes his head. “Man, you’ve got a kid. How old is she?”
“Your math that bad?” I smile. “She’s eight.”
“Fuck,” he growls. “You and Maya…” He shakes his head, obviously in shock. “What did you do? What did you say to her?”
“What could I say? My mind is all over the place at the moment. Then, on top of all this, I’m pretty sure Laura is freaking out about it. I thought she was okay. I mean, I know it’s a huge deal, but I thought she was okay. But I don’t think she is.” I look at him like he has all the answers. “I can’t lose her, Matt. I love her.”
Matt looks down at his hands, like he’s avoiding meeting my eyes. I study him for a moment, convinced he’s hiding something.
“What is it?” I frown at him, because he’s holding back on something.
“Nothing. It’s not my place to tell you.”
“Matt, just spit it out,” I say, my frustration growing.
“I thought she would’ve told you by now.”
“Told me what?” I ask.
He looks over at me with what looks like sorrow in his eyes. He leans back, resting his head against the wall, like he’s fighting himself on whether to say something or not.
“She’ll kill me if I tell you.”
“And I’ll kill you if you don’t,” I growl. I’m one second away from punching him in the throat. “Matt, if you don’t—”
“Laura can’t have kids.”
I stare at him, dumbfounded. I shake my head, trying to find the words to respond to what he just said.
“What do you mean?” I stare at him.
“She was sick when she was a kid. She had a bunch of surgeries, which meant removing everything needed to grow a kid. Uterus, ovaries, all of it. She’s physically incapable of having a baby.”
I bow my head and bury it in my hands. I feel sick, because all her odd behavior now makes sense. I think about all the stupid and ridiculous comments I’ve made over the past few weeks and I want to take it all back. No wonder she acted weird whenever I made a comment about getting married and having kids.
I cringe. “Jesus. I told her I wanted three kids, so that the last two could be backups,” I mutter.
“What kind of asshole says that?” Matt gasps. “That’s a really insensitive thing to say.” He frowns at me.
“Well obviously. I didn’t mean it. I was joking around.”
“Look, the comments don’t matter. None of that shit would worry Laura. Not even a little bit. Trust me, I’ve been putting my foot in it for the past God knows how many years. She’s struggling with this because you have a daughter. You suddenly come with this instant family. You have the one thing that she can never give you, and you got it from someone else.”
“Shit,” I say. I rub my forehead. “I’ve really messed things up.”
“No, you haven’t. She should have told. Really, it was selfish of her not to tell you everything the moment she started feeling anything for you.”
“But how does she bring up something like that?” I defend her, because I’m not angry at her. I’m angry at myself for not being more sensitive.
“I’ve got to go,” I mumble.
I have to figure out how to fix this.
Chapter Fourteen
Laura
Laura,
I’m not sure if you’re avoiding me, but I thought maybe it would be best if I gave us both some space to digest this news. We started the discussion on me moving out, but we never finished it. I’ll be over there if you need me for anything.
Who am I kidding? The last thing I want is to leave. I want to stay here, with you and work through this, but I don’t want to pressure you to accept this. I know it’s a shock. I get it. I do. Things are so much more complicated now, but I’m not giving up. I’m not ready to lose you over this.
Call me or text me when you get this. Please.
I love you.
Luke.
I read the note for the fifteenth time and then I carry it over to the couch and lie down to read it again. He’s right. I have been avoiding him. I stayed at Becca’s last night so that I wouldn’t have to face him, but the funny thing is, I want to work through this as much as he does, but I’m struggling.
I can’t stop my mind from going around in circles. Someone else has given him the one thing I’ll never be able to, and then I feel awful for thinking that way about that poor woman. I wish there was some way I could fix everything, but I can’t. I can’t change the future and I can’t change the past. I’ve only been away from him for a day and I’m already missing him. Becca had a point. How would I have gone six months without seeing him?
I lie there in the silence with my eyes closed. So many times, over the last week, I wanted to tell him to forget about his apartment and just stay here. Things were working so well. I was scared that him moving out would change things. And now what? He sleeps in with me, so his daughter can have the spare room? I laugh, because it’s ridiculous. The kicker is that he still doesn’t know that I can’t have kids.
I remember the way he looked when he held Elina in his arms at the hospital. What if Allie makes him realize how much he’s missed out on? I wouldn’t blame him for wanting more kids. I know there are other options and maybe I’ll want to explore them one day, but right now, I don’t. My phone rings, interrupting my thoughts. I pick it up, frowning at the number, because I don’t recognize it.
“Hello?”
“Hi. I’m looking for a Laura Black?”
“That’s me.” I sigh, rubbing my head.
“I’m Doctor Banks. I’m one of the registrars at UCLA hospital. An Iris Billingham has been admitted here and you’re listed has her emergency contact.”
“What?” I sit up, my heart pounding. “Iris? Is she okay?”
“She slipped and broke her hip. She’s stable, but she’s asking for you.”
“I’m on my way now. Thanks.”
I scramble to my feet and get dressed, then I grab my keys and sprint out the door. The hospital is literally a few hundred steps down the road. It would take longer for me to get my car out and drive there than it would to go on foot. So I run.
Two minutes later, I’m regretting it, but I work through the pain, ignoring the burning in my chest as I cross the road and head toward the emergency entrance. I had no idea I was so unfit, I mentally yell at myself and make an empty promise to start exercising again.
The guilt is killing me. I’ve been neglecting her. Every day, I’ve been meaning to go over there, but something always came up. What if she was lying there for with a broken hip for days and I never knew? I curse myself, because I’ll never forgive myself if that happened. I was too caught up in my own problems.
I’m out of breath by the time I reach the information desk. I get her room details and then take the elevator up to her floor, before staggering into her room. I sink down into the chair next to the bed, panting and gasping for air as I try to gather my composure. Iris frowns at me.
“Should I get out of the bed so you can have it?”
I chuckle. “I’m sorry. I ran here,” I say, my heart pounding.
“Why on earth would you do that? You’ve got a car. Use it.”
I shake my head and laugh, because she can’t be too sick with all these insults flying out at me.
“How are you feeling?” I finally ask.
“I’m fine, apart from this silly hip. That and they don’t even have a TV in here,”
she grumbles. She tsks in disgust.
“They do. Up there,” I say, nodding up to the small screen hanging from the ceiling.
“That tiny thing is smaller than my phone screen,” she retorts. “I’d rather not watch anything.”
I laugh, because I think the real problem is they don’t have cable.
“Then hurry up and get better so you can go home and get back to your bachelor 2013,” I tease her.
“What? They don’t age,” she says frowning at me. “It’s like a fine wine.”
“A fine whine, you mean. Have you heard half those women talk?” My joke goes right over her head.
“Where have you been, anyway?” she asks, nodding at me.
“I’m sorry. Work has been full-on—”
“It’s that man I see disappearing into your apartment every day, isn’t it?” she cuts in.
“He’s my brother’s friend.” I laugh. God, she’s nosy. “He’s staying with me for a little while. Well, he was.”
“Bull dust. I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”
“What do you do, stand at your door and peer through the peephole?” She opens her mouth to protest, but then snaps it shut. “That’s exactly what you do,” I say with a laugh.
“Well, what else am I going to do with my time? I’m just looking out for you. I like to make sure you’re being looked after. So, does he cook? Work?” she asks with a frown.
I giggle to myself. “Yes, he cooks and he’s a doctor.”
“Good, then. He’s a keeper.”
I cover my face with my hands, because all I can do is laugh.
“I better go and let you get some rest,” I say. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“I’m fine. I am worried about Milton, though.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll look after him.”
“Thanks, darling,” she says as I lean over to kiss her. “He likes you more than he does me, you know.”
“I know.” I grin.
I use Iris’ spare key to let myself into her apartment. Milton scrambles over to me, meowing wildly around my feet. I lean down to pet him. He purrs like a maniac and tries to jump into my arms.
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