Have a Heart

by Nashina Makhani

  ‘Well, I’ll send off a referral to the cardiology department at King’s Mill and we can go from there.

  ‘Right. And then what?’

  ‘I can’t tell you really. Best guess is that they’ll discuss treatment options with you, talk to you about any changes that you may need to make to your lifestyle or diet,’ he told me, a shrug audible in his voice.

  ‘Well, okay then I guess.’

  ‘I wish I could have called you with better news…’ he trailed off, letting out another sigh. ‘But, all the same, I hope the cardiologist might have some. Take care Alia.’

  ‘Thanks doc.’ He doesn’t say anything more, ending the call with a click.

  Despite that clear signal that the conversation was over, my hand didn’t drop, continuing to hold my phone to my ear for no reason until it clicked and I lowered it slowly. As I set it on the desk, I checked the time, realising that I barely had an hour before I would have to leave to pick Zia up from nursery. Considering there was no way I’d be getting any work done now, I tidied away the books that had fallen from my backpack and picked my phone back up, dialling Jai’s number.

  As always, he answered as quickly as though he’d been staring at his phone, waiting for it to ring – which, to be fair, he probably had been this time. ‘Hey Lia, missing me already?’ he joked. For once, the lame joke failed to make me laugh, or even crack a smile, my brain too preoccupied with the news I’d just been given.

  ‘Jai, listen, can you come with me to pick Zia up today? I promised her I’d pick her up walking and I don’t really fancy making the walk alone.’ What I didn’t tell him was that I’d already had the phone call from the doctor’s office and the type of news I’d received wasn’t the type of thing you passed on over the phone.

  ‘I could just go get her if you want? I’m sure she won’t mind uncle Jai picking her up and I don’t mind the walk either,’ he offered.

  ‘It’s not that I don’t want to go – or that I don’t feel up to it – I just fancied some company is all. If you don’t feel like it, or, you know, if you’re actually doing your coursework for once, it’s alright, I’ll go alone.’

  ‘No, not at all, I can come,’ he assured immediately at the mention of coursework. ‘I’m just a tiny bit confused is all, you’ve never asked me to come with you to go pick Zi up. If you’d just told me to go get her, I’d do it, no questions asked. But you’re throwing me off with the whole together bit there,’ he explained with a laugh. Not that I really needed the explanation; in the two years that Zia had been going to the local nursery, either I’d gone to pick her up or Jai had but picking her up had never taken two people. We’d always been the ones to pick her up, what with everyone else at work till dinnertime, but I’d purposely avoided going with Jai. As it was, people had been coming up with rumours about the two of us since we were old enough for it to be a thing, there was no need to add fuel to the fire. Of course, neither of us could care less what people thought but it made life easier if we didn’t have to hear it from the entire town as well as my family.

  Despite that, he’d agreed to come with me today, probably because he knew me well enough to understand that there was something more to my asking than just wanting someone along with me. ‘So, if we’re walking, we should leave about half two?’ I asked after a beat, catching back up to myself.

  ‘Uhm, Ally, you do realise it’s like a ten-minute walk, right? I know you like to get there pretty early but a half hour is a bit much isn’t it?’ he questioned and I could picture his exact expression, the raised eyebrow and scrunched forehead.

  ‘Look, can we please just leave early? I… I need to talk to you,’ I admitted, cursing myself when I heard the sigh on the other end of the line that told me he’d put two and two together to get four.

  ‘I, yeah, okay, I’ll be at yours for half past then,’ he agreed, his tone sounding a hell of a lot less jovial.

  ‘Right, I’ll see you then, then.’ As per usual, I didn’t get a reply before he cut the call; phone calls with Jai tended to always end the same way on account of his terribly bad habit of simply nodding at the end of a conversation, even on the phone. He’d gotten significantly better at it over the years but, given that I knew him so well, he’d never quite broken that habit with me.

  Setting my phone down, I checked the time, seeing that it was already quarter past. Figuring I’d better find a way to pass the next fifteen minutes, I got up and headed back to the kitchen, grabbing the little bag that I used to carry a flask and snack for my niece on the way to pick her up – both of which would be finished by the time we got home of course. Setting the bag on the counter beside the sink, I grabbed her juice flask and made up some Ribena, slipping the juice into the backpack and then routing through the pantry for a box of raisins.

  Chucking in the raising, I slung the bag over my shoulder and took out my phone, adding raisins to the shopping list and checking the time to see that it’d only been five minutes. Restless as I was, I didn’t feel like standing around in the house, knowing I’d likely only end up pacing until I wore a hole in the floor. So, I headed for the front door, grabbing the little pushchair from behind the coat rack, just in case the kid had changed her mind in the hours since she’d left the house in the morning and no longer felt like walking, picked up my keys from the side table and headed out the door, figuring it’d be better to wait outside than to drive myself crazy indoors.

  Chapter Five

  I wasn’t too surprised to find Jai already stood at the end of the driveway when I got out the door. ‘You really do know me far too well Jai,’ I laughed as I made my way towards him.

  ‘Yeah, I suppose that’s something that kinda happens when you know a person for nearly eighteen years,’ he shoots back, taking the pushchair from me as I reached him, not halting my stride as the gravel changed to pavement, both of us setting off in the direction of the nursery.

  For a while, we walked in silence, lost in our own thoughts – in my case at least. For all I knew, Jai was looking at the trees, thinking about the colours of the leaves as the light hit them, how he would paint it or draw it or what angle he’d photograph it from. See, Jai saw the world through artist’s eyes, even though he’d never admit to it, even to me, no matter how much I told him it wasn’t a bad thing. Watching him as we walked, I could all but see the thoughts in his eyes, the almost childlike wonder that he had as he observed the world. For about five minutes, I was content to let the other thoughts drift out of my mind and just watch him watch the world, try to guess at what he was thinking.

  But as we approached the park, I realised that the conversation we needed to have was one best had sitting down and that, between here and the nursery, there were very few places to do that. So, I broke the silence. ‘Jai, we need to talk,’ I told him, coming to a stop. For a second, he just looked at me, the thoughts that were swimming behind his eyes taking a moment to clear.

  ‘Yeah, you mentioned that earlier,’ he said with a nod.

  ‘We should, uh, I think it would be better if we could sit and talk,’ I suggested, tugging at my ear and scuffing my foot against the ground almost anxiously.

  ‘Alright, sure, wanna go sit in the park and talk then?’ I nodded gratefully, feeling incredibly stupid for being so nervous. Not once had I ever found myself nervous to talk to Jai; he was my confidant, the person that I told everything to, always had been. But, as we walked through the gates to the park and past the playground to the grassy field behind it, I couldn’t help but feel uneasy, on edge.

  The apprehension ebbed a little as we settled on the grass, a sense of normalcy washing over me. This was something we did all the time, lazing around in the park, talking about anything and everything. From the most trivial matters to the most important conversations we’d ever had, most all of them had taken place sat right here.

  So, of course, it made sense that this conversation would happen here too.

  Despite how normal it felt, I still couldn’t bring m
yself to start the conversation. Thankfully, I was saved from having to; Jai did it for me. ‘Well, I’m gonna guess that Dr. London got the results then?’ he asked, not bothering to beat around the bush. I nodded, trying to think of how to tell him, of the words to use to deliver what was probably some of the worst news either of us had received up until that point. Of course, I should have known that I didn’t need to, didn’t need to find any words to tell him what had happened. My silence answered the question he’d yet to ask and he exhaled slowly, scrubbing a hand over his face as he tried to process. I picked at the grass, tearing up blades and shredding them in an attempt to give myself something other than Jai to focus on while I waited for him to organise his thoughts.

  It didn’t work.

  Like always, I was acutely aware of his presence. I knew every breath he took, every tiny movement he mad. I could hear the gears turning in his head as he tried to come to terms with what he’d just learnt.

  After a good five minutes of antagonising silence, he spoke, his voice low. ‘What happens now?’

  ‘He’s referred me to a cardiologist. Once the referral comes in, I guess I’ll have to go for an appointment with them.’

  ‘And then? Did he say anything about treatments or medicine or what?’

  ‘Dr. London can’t do any of that, that’s all up to the cardiologist,’ I told him, trying my very best to sound like it was no big deal really. He went silent again and I went back to tearing up the grass, knowing it would take a little time for him to catch up to his thoughts.

  For once, the silence between us wasn’t comfortable or easy. It was tense, anxious, troubled. I kept wishing he would say something, anything, knowing that he’d be working himself up into a panic, thinking of all the things that could go wrong, the worst-case scenarios. And I was driving myself insane waiting for him to speak, wondering what he’d say.

  When he did finally speak again, I found myself taken aback, shocked by his words for the first time in my memory. ‘It’ll be okay Alu. We’ll figure everything out.’ I couldn’t find a reply, couldn’t figure out what to say, so I chose to skip the verbal reply and pulled him into a hug, burying my head in his shoulder. At that point, I’m pretty sure I was more thankful for Jai than I’d ever been before. He had every right to break down at that point, to have told me that this was just something he couldn’t deal with, I would have understood. After all, we were seventeen, still in college, still kids. And he’d already had to deal with far more than I had, maybe more than any kid should have to. It would have made sense, more sense than him telling me that it was okay really.

  And yet, here he was, telling me that everything would be alright, that he’d be there for me, just like he always had been. That I wasn’t alone, that he’d stick by me through this like he had before.

  I was so incredibly glad in that moment that he’d taken it on himself to be the strong one. The thought was selfish, I know, but true.

  But, at the same time, I couldn’t just accept it like that. I had experience in being the strong one, the one to lean on, and I knew how this would affect him. Knowing that like I did, I had to give him the chance to back out, even if I knew that there wasn’t the slightest chance in hell that he’d change his mind, I had to give him the chance at least. ‘Jai,’ I began, pulling out of the hug and looking up at him. The look he gave me told me he knew exactly what I was about to say and he didn’t agree but knew that I had to so he’d let me anyway. ‘Jai, you-you don’t have to stick with me through this. I know it’s going to be hellish for you, after everything that happened with your mum and all… well, we both know that this is probably going to be a lot harder on you than it is on me. And I’m not going to ask you to deal with it, I can’t put you through that. If you want to tell me that I’m on my own, that’s okay. Just, promise me you won’t tell my family; you know what’ll happen the second they find out and I don’t want them to be worrying, not now, not when everything is finally going well.’ He shook his head, smiling slightly in a gesture I was all too familiar with, one that told me he understood where I was coming from by the still thought I was being a complete idiot.

  ‘Alia;’ with that single word, I knew I’d lost this battle. Use of my given name by Jai was rare and usually indicated one of two things: he was extremely worried or extremely serious. ‘We’ve been best friends almost our entire lives – or well, in your case, literally your whole life I guess. In all that time, we’ve always been there for each other, no matter what. You didn’t leave me to suffer by myself when I lost mum and dad, you sat up with me the nights I couldn’t sleep – hell, you still do – and listened when I ranted about how bloody unfair it is that they’re gone. You were there when I needed you, I’m not about to leave you when you need me.’ I smiled at him, maybe a little tearfully, and he smiled back, allowing his hand to cover mine briefly in a rare public display of affection.

  I waited a couple of seconds to see if he’d mention my request not to tell my family anything, to refute it or tell me that I shouldn’t hide from them, but he didn’t, understanding all too well where that desire came from. Instead, he quickly withdrew his hand and checked his watch. ‘We better go; we’ve been sat here longer than we probably meant to. Don’t wanna be late for Zia,’ he said, picking himself up from the ground before pulling me up as well.

  We both laughed as we stumbled a little, the conversation we’d just had mostly forgotten.

  Mostly.

  As we started to walk, heading back for the road, I looked down and saw his hand was still firmly wrapped around mine, seemingly with no plan of letting go anytime soon, and I knew that this conversation was one he definitely wasn’t about to forget in a rush.

  Chapter Six

  By the time we got to the nursery, I was pretty glad that I’d insisted on leaving so early. With the amount of time we’d spent sat at the park, it was past three by the time we walked up to the nursery.

  As I’d expected, we got more than a few looks from the parents and siblings hanging about, waiting to pick up their various charges. With the town being as small as it was, everyone knew everyone which is exactly why me and Jai avoided hanging around town together all that much now that we were older and understood what people were saying about us. Even as we stood there, I could feel them staring at us, hear the whispers and the small laughs, and I was sure that Jai could too, but, as always, we both did our best to simply ignore it all, waiting in a companionable silence for Zia to come out, well aware that she would most likely be the last kid out the doors.

  Sure enough, I didn’t see her for a good few minutes, even as people started to head home. Just as I was about to turn to Jai and ask if I just wasn’t seeing her, I spotted a little girl about half my height with curly brown hair, shining hazel eyes and a massive smile, bright blue Teletubbies backpack settled between her shoulders. I could see her eyes scanning the crowd of parents and kids, looking for one of us, probably having forgotten who was supposed to be picking her up today.

  Her eyes must’ve landed on Jai first, her face lighting up the way it only ever did around him, and she ran towards us, Jai crouching to catch her. He scooped her up, tickling her as he lifted her into the air, throwing her up above his head as easily as though she were light as a football and catching her again, causing giggles to pour from her mouth. ‘Unc’a Jai, stop! Please!’ she pleaded with her honorary uncle. Of course, he didn’t, tickling her some more, making her squirm in his arms. She wriggled, calling to him to stop until her gaze landed on me. ‘Fui, help!’ she called to me through her giggles.

  ‘I dunno, you look like you’re having fun,’ I teased, smiling widely until she gave me the puppy dog eyes she usually did so well – when the effect wasn’t being ruined by peals of laughter. Despite the wide eyes not having their usual effect, I decided to help the kid out before she ended up with a stomach ache. ‘Alright Jai, I think she’s had enough.’ I told him. He gave her one last tickle and set her down, taking hold of one of her hands
, leaving me to take the other as we headed in the direction of home.

  ‘Unc’a Jai?’ Zia called as we walked – or rather, me and Jai walked and she swung from our hands between us.

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘How co’ you came wit fui ta pick me up t’day?’ the three-year-old questioned. Jai looked at me and I shrugged; I had no idea how to answer her given that the truth was definitely out of the question. He rolled his eyes and mouthed useless to me over the top of Zia’s head with a small smirk before turning his attention back to the little girl between us and giving her an answer, evidently having come up with something in the few seconds it took for us to have our silent exchange.

  ‘We had to stay back at school today, couldn’t go home at lunch time. So I thought, seeing as I was walking home with your fui anyway, I’d give you a surprise and come along with her to get you,’ he lied, looking to me for approval. I nodded, relieved he’d managed to spin a convincing story without mentioning anything about going anywhere other than college.

  Zia might have only been three but she’d picked up on the teasing from my family, especially her mum, who all liked to say we were dating. Not that she really had any idea what that meant other than two people going out alone together. And, of course, that her mum liked to bring it up every chance she got.

  As you can probably guess, it was bloody annoying.

  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love my family, I really do, but I hated the way they interfered in my life. Not to say that Jai didn’t have any appeal. We’ve already established that he wasn’t bad looking and, well, he was my best friend, that gives him more than a few points. But, had there been something between us, there’d have been nothing for them to be concerned about. Jai was the definition of a gentleman and he’d never done anything but look after me.