Yearning for Love

by Toye Lawson Brown

  A loud clearing of a female voice silenced them. Nicole raised her head to the woman staring directly at her. She cringed and heard the blood rushing through her ears, and her face and hands got clammy. “What do you want?”

  “I would like to talk to you in private,” Octavia said curtly.

  Walker leaned forward resting his hand over the top of Nicole’s in a protective way. “She’s not going anywhere. Whatever you have to say to her, feel free to say it in front of all of us.”

  Octavia turned her sharp glare towards Walker. “I beg your pardon. I was not speaking to you. As I look around this table, I only gave birth to one person seated here.”

  Jeremy stood up holding his out for his wife. “Come on, Patty. We’ll wait at the bar.”

  Nicole shrugged Jeremy’s hand away from Patty’s. “Sit down, Jeremy. Walker is right, if Octavia Carpenter has anything to say me, she will say it in front of all of us. I don’t owe her anything.”

  Octavia held her head high. “Nicole, it is your choice to air your business in front of strangers. However, I’m not opting to do that,” she took a card from her purse handing it to her. “I’m in town for a judges’ convention. I’m staying at the Ritz hotel. Why don’t you give me a call and we can talk alone without your posse.”

  Nicole laughed tearing the card into pieces and scattering the litter in a pile on the table. “I don’t think so; I’m busy planning a wedding”

  Octavia perched the edge of the black Louise purse by Louis Vuitton, on the chair she was standing behind. “Congratulations to whichever of you is getting married. So, you opened a business in Cleveland?”

  “No. I’m the one getting married. To him,” she said looping her arm through Walker’s.

  Walker and Octavia’s eyes met. She shortened the unfriendly glaze of his eyes to speak. “Congratulations to you and him. I’m not expecting an invitation to the event, Nicole. I just need to talk to you.”

  “I wasn’t extending an invite. Octavia, and what do you want? Why are you being so cloak-and-dagger; get to what you want so I can have lunch with my family.”

  “These people are your family now? If they are your family, Nicole, why are you contacting members of my family asking questions?”

  “That was my idea,” Walker said in a steady voice.

  Octavia’s head snapped. “Is she allowed to talk for herself, or does she have to ask you for permission to speak?”

  Nicole rapidly stood leaning the palms of her hands on the table to support her weight. “When did you grow a backbone? Because, as I recall; you had to ask Theodore's permission to take a bathroom break!”

  “Nicole, that’s your mother,” Patty gasped.

  “She is not my mother! This woman is nothing to me.”

  Octavia voice cracked. “Nicole, would you lower your voice and not draw attention to us.”

  “There it is folks! That is what I remember. Octavia, when you did talk to me, it always to tell me to stop bothering daddy dearest or to lower my voice.”

  “Nicole, there were rules in the house and you were expected to follow them.”

  “And the number one rule was not to show me any humanity. However, would it have hurt you to acknowledge I existed? You never intervened when he belittled me.”

  “I was a working mother, Nicole. I had obligations outside of the house. You could have come to me if the subject was so dire your nanny couldn’t help you.”

  “I did come to you plenty of times. You did nothing.”

  Octavia stood there not having much of a rebuttal. “Yeah, I get the silence. I got it for eighteen years,” Nicole said staring at the woman.

  “You came to me once, Nicole. It was about changing your major in school. Other than that, you conferred with your nanny.”

  “I wanted to change my major in college to fashion design. I was a damn good designer but you squashed my dream by agreeing with Theodore.”

  “I did not squash your dreams of becoming a designer.”

  “You didn’t support my choice either. You never beamed over anything I did. You wouldn’t even wear the suit I designed for you. The gardener found it in the garbage.”

  “Theodore threw it out. He didn’t want me to wear anything but designer clothing.”

  “That sounds like something he would do and of course, you were too weak to stand up for yourself. So what do you want? The quicker I refuse your request, the quicker you will be out of my life again.”

  The attractive woman’s features softened as she spoke. “Nicole, I came here to ask you for a second chance.”

  Nicole’s body was shaking in the chair. She felt Walker’s hand on the small of her back supporting her. “A second chance—where was the first one?”

  Octavia pulled the chair away from the table and sat down. “I’m no better than your father and I live with that horror every day. What you don’t know, Nicole, is he controlled every aspect of my life, including you.”

  “You could have left him and took me with you.”

  “I did when you were an infant. He treated you badly, Nicole. He never wanted kids, and when you were sick all the time, it irritated him. I didn’t know what was wrong with you and took you to a doctor. You were diagnosed with diabetes. Theodore was livid when he found out. He hated you were born to begin with, and then to have a child that wasn’t perfect didn’t fit his lifestyle. I left and went to my family. He tracked me down at my sister’s house and forced me to come back to him.”

  “So you returned to him and went on to have an illustrious law career and become a judge and forgot about me. That was the right thing to do.”

  “It wasn’t the right thing to do but it kept you alive. The nanny was trained to give you your insulin and do whatever I would have done for you if I had been a mother to you.”

  “You are not going to make me feel sorry for you. I’m a grown woman, Octavia. You could have made contact with me before now. When I walked out of that house at age eighteen you could have contacted me!”

  A single tear fell from Octavia’s eye smearing her mascara. “I so desperately wanted to make contact but I made the decision not to butt in your life. Theodore told me you had changed your name years ago. Nicole, the nanny was your only chance at having a normal life. She loved you and took such good care of you when you were a baby. She sat by your side when you were sick. She was your true mother. That’s why I stayed away.”

  Nicole was overcome with tears. Jeremy and Patty left the table but Walker remained seated next to her holding her hand. “Wrong! My life was far from normal. It is true my nanny showed me a lot of affection and I loved her, but the lack of affection from you and Theodore, my real parents, turned me into a cold person.”

  Octavia nodded. “I am an awful woman. I could not stand up to my husband or fight for my own rights much less my daughter’s. I did what I had to do to survive living with Theodore.”

  “You know what, just forget it. It’s all water under the bridge and it won’t change anything if I keep harping on it.”

  Octavia opened her purse removing a notebook sliding it across the table. “You will be able to use this.”

  Nicole wiped her face. Opening the notebook it was filled with names and addresses. “What is this?”

  “Those are names and address of your cousins, aunts and uncles on my side of the family; they would love to hear from you.”

  “What about Theodore? Won’t he be upset, you did this?”

  Octavia chuckled. “His reign of terror has been toppled since you threatened to write a book. Nicole, you freed me also. I’ve filed for divorce and moved out of the mansion.”

  Nicole lifted her brows. “Seriously, he let you leave just like that?”

  “He has nothing left to lose. You cut him down, Nicole. As long as I don’t reveal the real cause of our divorce, he signed the papers without a fight.”

  Walker shook his head breaking his silence. “I’m sorry I was hard on you, Judge. I’m protective when comes
to Nicole. She’s worked hard to get her life together.”

  “I apologize for mouthing off to you also. There is no doubt you love Nicole. She looks so healthy and beautiful.”

  “Yes she is. By the way, I’m Walker Albright—your future son-in-law,” he said extending his hand.

  Octavia returned his handshake with a limp wrist. “Please call me Octavia. I’m not in the courtroom today.”

  “I’m still sitting here. Please don’t talk around me as if I’m invisible,” Nicole said attempting to wipe the snot running from her nose on the sly. She was tired of crying over the past that was gaining her nothing but a hot seat in hell. The hatred she had for her parents had to be filed away for good.

  Walker brushed hair away from her face. “Baby, I’m going to order you a sandwich. You need to eat and take your medicine.”

  Her hand clamped down on his arm. “Don’t go anywhere.”

  Prying her fingers from his arm, he kissed her forehead. “It will be okay. You are strong, Nicole. You don’t back down from a fight remember.”

  She nodded and watched his long legs stroll to the bar and join Patty and Jeremy. Lumbering with her thoughts, she looked at the woman who gave her life. Even with her confession, she felt no compassion for her. “What do you expect from me, Octavia? I don’t see me opening my arms and forgetting and forgiving overnight. I’m going to stop harping on my childhood. I have a bright future with Walker and that’s what I want to focus on.”

  “I am not here to reopen the pain for you, Nicole. My purpose was to give you the notebook containing information you could use in your research. I’m in contact with my sisters again, and they told me you had called. I wanted to help you find your roots. I knew you wouldn’t want to talk to me so I wrote it all down.”

  Nicole held the book in her hand. “Thank you. That was nice of you to do that for me.”

  “Nicole, they are nothing like me. They know how to love and be civilized. I’m the one that turned my back on them so don’t punish them thinking they are like me.”

  “They were very nice when I talked to them. Aunt Clara invited me to visit her in Florida so we could talk.”

  “Are you going to go?”

  “I have to take it slow. I’ve had a lot to deal with lately.”

  “I understand. Your fiancé seems nice. He has good taste in jewelry,” Octavia said noticing the ring on Nicole’s finger.

  “Walker is the best thing to ever happen to me. I love him so much.”

  “Nicole, I’m curious how you met him.”

  “Why are you curious? Is it because he is white?”

  “Nicole, I’m done fighting over my mistakes. And no, it doesn’t bother me Walker is white. I’ve learned when we let love find us we don’t always get to choose the form it appears. He could black, white, green or purple; I’m pleased he makes you happy because you deserve to have happiness. You were a beautiful little girl that didn’t deserve the hell I put you through.”

  Nicole dropped her head thinking no wonder she had avoided getting personal with people all these years. It sucked when they'd hurt you. And, it hurt even more when painful memories were relived. “It’s kinda strange because I didn’t fit in with black or white people, Octavia. Walker came into my life when I decided I needed to change my way of thinking. He didn’t give up on me when I wanted to turn back into my shell. I’m glad he didn’t or I would be stuck in a loveless world until I died.”

  “Hold onto him,” she said removing her compact from her purse to fix her makeup. When done, she stood up from the table preparing to leave. “Well, I’ve taken up enough of your time. I wish you many blessings on your upcoming marriage, Nicole. Thank you, for permitting me to talk to you one last time.”

  The words flew from her mouth before she could stop them. “The wedding is in two weeks at the Courthouse on Superior Avenue. You are welcome to come but please don’t tell Theodore. There is not enough forgiveness in me to want to lay eyes on him ever again.”

  Octavia smiled cracking her stiff face. “I’ll be there and Theodore won’t hear a damn word about your marriage from me. Goodbye, Nicole,” she said sashaying from the restaurant.

  Walker rushed to the table. “Babe?”

  “I’m fine, Walker. I did a stupid thing and invited her to the wedding. I don’t know what I was thinking doing that.”

  Walker massaged her shoulders. “It’s the bond that mothers and daughters share no matter how rocky the relationship. Sweetheart, you offered the olive branch; the next step is up to her.”

  “We will never be close but maybe we can be friends,” she said rubbing her head against Walker’s hand.

  Chapter Fourteen

  New Beginnings

  Walker paced back and forth across the polished tiled floor. He stopped when that wasn’t working at calming his nerves. Cracking his neck he bounced up and down on his toes, shaking the nervousness from his arms. His throat dried and tightened. His chest burned. The anxiety attack was beating the hell out of him.

  Was he doing the right thing? Was he ready to take on the responsibility of a wife who had just learned to open herself to others? What if she recoiled and pushed him away deciding her idiosyncrasies and aversion surrounding her closet-led life, better suited her than marriage.

  He sat in a chair before the light-headiness had him sprawled on the floor in his black classic tuxedo. He dropped his upper body to rest between his knees taking deep breaths.

  The door opened and Jeremy entered the judge’s chamber. Judge Patrick Lassiter’s office was old school. Dark mahogany wood surrounded with hand-crafted bookcases of the same material, held century old law tombs. Framed pictures of famous judges, presidents and landmarks graced the walls.

  Laughing and leaning against the large oak desk, Jeremy said, “You have the worst case of cold feet I have ever seen.”

  Walker lifted his head with air filling his jaws. “Did you go through this?”

  “Well you would’ve known what I went through had you been there. You were my best man remember.”

  “I deserved that. I was pissed.”

  “That was my fault. I got something for you. I want to give it to you now before the wedding gets underway.” He pulled a white envelope from him suit pocket handing it to Walker.

  “What is this?” Walker asked.

  “Open it and see.”

  Tearing the envelope open at the seal, Walker removed the contents. Straightening his back he scooted to the edge of the chair to he read the document. The clocking was ticking to the last minutes of his bachelorhood and his brother added to his stress by giving him this.

  “What the hell is this, Jeremy?”

  “Those papers include the deed to your shop and a little gift to get you started in married life.”

  He got out of the chair facing his brother. “I specifically told you I didn’t want anything from Mitch.”

  Jeremy’s crystal blue eyes narrowed. “Nothing is from Mitch—it’s from me. Dammit take it! It’s my wedding gift to you.”

  Walker shook the paper with an ill timbre. “You are giving me a million dollars as a wedding gift? A waffle iron or toaster oven is considered a thoughtful gift, Jeremy.”

  “I’ve thought about this long and hard. I even factored in you drilling me a new asshole once the shock wore off. However, you’re going to listen to me for once. I’m the older brother and handing out the advice to you. So sit your ass down and listen!”

  Walker retreated to the chair and sat down crossing his right leg over his left knee. He would let Jeremy do his sales pitch. He would even pretend to be listening, but there was no way in hell he was accepting a damn dime from Mitch Collingsworth.

  “Go ahead, I’m listening,” he said being facetious.

  “All right, we don’t have long so I’ll do the condensed version I rehearsed in case you were chasing me to beat me down. “Dad’s Will was read and executed last week. In it, he left everything to mom. That was expected. What I d
idn’t expect was him to leave me and my sister equal shares of his company and a hefty trust account we weren’t to receive until he died. I’m splitting my share of the trust fund with you.”

  “It’s great you’re filthy rich, Jeremy. I still don’t want your money.”

  “Why won’t you let me do this for you? Do you hate me that much?”

  “Man, I don’t hate you. I love you, Jeremy. You gotta understand you can’t fix that Mitch was a fucking bastard to me! Money won’t make me forget I was nothing but a sperm deposit that hit the target.”

  The room got quiet as Jeremy slumped against the desk with his head down. “He made so many mistakes. If I attempted to right any of them, the world would end before I got to the middle of the pile.”

  “Then don’t take on his burdens, Jeremy. My childhood was rough, but I survived. I matured into a decent hard-working man. I’m getting married to the woman of my dreams and I have a brother I admire for trying to right the wrongs his old man caused. I’m happy, Jeremy; I have no regrets.”

  Jeremy chuckled. “Most people would call you a fool for turning down cold cash. Walker, you’re a putz, but one helluva guy.”

  “Thanks for reminding me I’m an ass at times. Well, I should see if Nicole changed her mind about marrying me.”

  “Patty would have been knocking down that door hysterical, if Nicole had run screaming from the courthouse. How has Nicole’s health been lately?”

  “She’s on top of her health, why do you ask?”

  “Jeremy rubbed his hands together. “She has been under a lot of stress with her parents appearing out of nowhere and dealing with the wedding.”

  “She is handling it like a trooper. Octavia is taking it slow and not forcing Nicole to accept all at once.”

  “That’s good, Walker. Listen, I have one last pitch to make for this money.”

  Walker turned his wrist to check his watch. “Don’t have time for more of your ramblings, dude.”

  “This will be the last one—promise.” Jeremy set the stage by drawing on an imaginary canvas. “God forbid, you have to quit work to care for Nicole if her diabetes worsens. Or what if you lose the shop because her care is so extensive you are never at the shop anymore to handle your business. You lose the shop, now you got bills up the ass. Walker, if you take this, money won’t be an issue if you or Nicole suddenly hit rock bottom.”