The Vampire Club

by Scott Nicholson

  “Why have the VVV stuck around so close to the vampire’s original grave when he was gunned down so long ago? I mean, why not move him somewhere else, thus ensuring that the vampire could never be found?”

  “Pure neglect, my student. Overconfidence. They welcome challenge. I mean, what else in hell do they have to do, now that they’ve won? Why else would they invite us into the very mansion where the vampire might actually be?

  “But also,” he added, “they are ensuring the fact that all seekers of this vampire will get discouraged. They are not leaving it to chance that we might ask a lot of questions around town and discover that a very queer family was living just down the road, only miles from the grave, queer enough to cause us to investigate. They brought us into this mansion to have absolute control over us, and obviously their lies are working on some of us.

  “But we must act quickly while they are still in conference.”

  “Andy, did you happen to notice the two brutes playing cards by the front door—”

  “Which,” I added, “just happens to be next to the cellar entrance.”

  “They’re either there to guard the cellar or keep an eye on us if we leave.”

  “Then we’re just going to have to see.” And as I helped the professor up, listening to the chorus of his joints cracking and popping, I knew in my gut that whatever the hell was going on around here wasn’t going to stay secret for long.

  And I wouldn’t even tell Janice “Told you so.”

  Well, maybe a little.

  The professor and I wound our way from the kitchen to the foyer, and, both somewhat out of breath after the hike, peeked around the hallway corner and saw the two goons still playing cards. There was a huge bear head on the wall above them, and its glass eyes appeared to watch the game.

  “We need a plan of attack. That door across from them, I believe, is the cellar—can you see it?” I pointed to a nondescript door. It was tucked into a recess in the wall, almost like it was disguised.

  Professor L craned his neck around the corner.

  I whispered. “Not too far, they might see—”

  “You looking for someone?” asked a deep voice from around the corner where the professor’s head was.

  Shit!

  Professor L froze.

  “Tell them you’re lost,” I whispered, safely hidden.

  “I-I-I laafffftt.”

  A line of drool oozed down his chin. If he failed as a professor, he could always take up acting. Keifer Sutherland had to retire sometime, and my precious Corey Haim was dead, so there were always openings, one way or another.

  “What?” one of them growled.

  “I-I’m looking for the front dork, I mean door,” said the professor in surprisingly clear English.

  “You’re looking at it, old man.”

  “Oh.”

  “Go on,” I said, seeing the possible implications in this.

  The professor moved out from around the corner, slowly, stooped over, doing his creepy-old-man bit. I glanced to where he’d been standing, but he’d managed to control his ancient bladder—thank God.

  The professor shuffled along the wooden floor, and the mammoth front door squeaked open, then snapped shut with a kuh-doink.

  Leaning as close to the corner of the wall as I dared, I managed to hear: “You wanna follow him?”

  “Yeah,” said the other goon.

  The door squeaked open, slowly this time, as if the guard was trying to be sneaky.

  “Hey!” one of them yelled, before the door finished opening. “You snuck two cards!”

  “No, I didn’t,” said the other.

  “Yes, you did.” He slammed the door closed and I heard his thudding goon boots returning to the table. Since they were arguing, I risked a peek.

  Goon One had his palm over his cards, which were flat on the table, and Goon Two had a hold on his wrist, tugging mightily and trying to remove the pressure. “Let me see!” he grunted through clenched teeth.

  What happened next was a classic. Goon One let go and Goon Two fell back against the wall, rapping his head so hard I could feel the vibration. The bear head came loose from the wall and bounced off the other goon’s head. I stepped around the corner to find them both sprawled unconscious.

  I knew we didn’t have long, so I ran to the door and summoned the professor, who hadn’t gotten very far because he was still pretending to have arthritis.

  “Come on,” I said. “Window of opportunity knocks but once.”

  He hurried to my side and looked in wonder at the goons on the floor. He gave me a look of amazement. I merely flexed one bicep and said, “Make sure you tell Janice I did it all by myself. And now, the cellar.”

  I rubbed my hands in anticipation as I approached the cellar door. Could this be it? Could there be a vampire down there in the abyss of the cellar? There was only one way to see, and I tried the knob.

  Locked, of course. Crap! Crap! Crap!

  I checked the goons, but they were sawing logs. I pulled hard at the handle, pushed, pounded, then kicked. My amazing strength that had vanquished two six-foot-four goons had apparently failed me.

  “The card,” the professor said.

  I glanced at the card table. One of them might have been cheating, because the hand had five aces.

  “No, the credit card,” Professor L said.

  I flipped through my wallet and found the credit card he’d given me. What was it about them anyway? Was there some charm in them that commanded the locks to open? I seriously doubted it, but stuck my card in the space between the frame and door anyway. It hit something, I maneuvered the card a little here and there. And now that something was moving. I held my breath, this thing really worked! I slipped it higher....

  Chapter Eighteen

  “What are you doing?” boomed a voice at our backs. I turned to find one of the big Mayan goddesses standing with her arms folded, looking like she’d been carved from volcanic rock.

  “Uh—I was just looking for a bathroom,” I managed.

  “Both of you?”

  The professor and I exchanged glances, wondering how to play it. “We came around the corner and found these two gentlemen passed out and thought we might put wet compresses to their heads, to bring them around,” the professor said.

  “Leave these idiots to me,” she said.

  “Yes, sir,” I said. “I mean, ma’am.”

  She shook her head and I swear I heard her mutter: “Piece of shit vampire-lover.”

  “We’ll leave the first aid to you,” I said. “Let us know if you need any second aid.”

  One of the goons groaned, and I didn’t want to be there when they came around and remembered the professor was the last person they’d seen.

  As we strolled upstairs, I realized I was still holding my wallet. Flipping through it, I also realized I had left the professor’s credit card in the door.

  “Uh, professor?” I said.

  “Don’t tell me.”

  I went down again and found the woman stationed strategically in front of the cellar and next to the front door. The two goons were back at the card table, rubbing their skulls and cheating. There was only one thing to do, I realized.

  I turned the corner, screaming like a maniac. “Aaaagh! The cat. I found the cat!”

  I did a little dance in front of the cellar door, turned my back, and snagged the card.

  The female guard’s eyes narrowed. “Where?”

  “Upstairs! Its breath is awful. Like sardines and vinegar.”

  “I hate that cat.”

  The two goons affirmed their own disdain for the feline kind. I was hoping they’d be as cat-crazy as the “cousins” we’d encountered the night before, but no such luck.

  “Okay, but if I get scratched, it’s going on your insurance,” I said as I pocketed the card.

  I stopped by the kitchen for lunch and dinner. Janice was there, having some tea with Dial. She was giggling, and he was telling her a story about the
Toen family and the time Granddaddy Grandmaster met Stephen King at a convenience store.

  The story was clearly a bunch of crap, but she ate it up.

  Just like I ate more eggs.

  Only she seemed to be having way more fun than me.

  * * *

  Night came, and I had come up short in my effort to save our friends from their own folly. As Buddy pounded on my door shouting: “We’re going, you’re welcome to come,” the professor and I knew we were down to only one option.

  “Let’s go,” he said.

  And I nodded like an idiot.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Gloom and despair!

  Disaster and ruin!

  The agony of it all!

  “You with us on this or what, Andy?” Juan said. “You look like you crapped your pants and are now sitting in the cooling feces.”

  “You are an orator of the flesh, if not a vampire of the heart,” said I to my Spanish friend. Juan bowed at the compliment. “Of course I’m with you, but I don’t have to like it.”

  “I think you’ve made that quite clear,” said Janice with a snap of her jaw, like a moray eel ripping a mousefish in half. “All your bickering and complaining is getting old.”

  “I only bicker because I have seen the light.”

  “The only light you’ve seen is your white ass in the mirror,” said Buddy. I was about to ask how he was so sure my ass was white—which it quite is—and why in the world I’d want to even look at it in any mirror, but his berating continued: “We’ve wasted enough time with this. Sure, Dial and his cousins act a little weird, but, hey, what family doesn’t?”

  My mouth was working. I needed to say something, but I knew my words would carry no weight, for the rest of the group was all nodding along with Buddy.

  “And poor Dial Toen, Andy. You had him painted as a cut-throat vampire hunter. But he’s so sweet and charming.” You guessed it. Those words were uttered by my Janice. She was in love with the enemy.

  But I also noticed no one had invited him along. It was almost like he had skipped our club to join a bigger club. Like he knew which team was going to win. And I couldn’t convince my friends this was all a set-up.

  I stood there alone, encircled by my bitter fellow members of The Vampire Club—the hub of their resentment. They were beyond reason, and I could only stare at my clenched knuckles, which were whiter than my supposed bare ass.

  “So, you coming with us or what?” Buddy said.

  It’s hard to look your friends in the eye when they’re so disgusted with you. Hell, maybe I was wrong about the VVV. It was all rumors and whispers, anyway, no viable sources.

  Now I was trying to figure out the facts that had once seemed so factual, but which now danced about my head like a phantom that was doomed to do the two-step for eternity. I was no longer so positive. Yes, it would seem so easy to just go along with everyone else. Go with the flow. But I just couldn’t. Every warning system in my body was clambering. Things were not right here.

  Andy, I told myself. You’ve just investigated things. You’ve seen first-hand how they’re keeping a watch on you. You’ve heard part of their meeting. Listened to the loose tongue of the breakfast cook. The clues are all there. The only thing you don’t have is the smoking gun.

  “Of course I’m coming,” I answered Juan, jutting out my chin.

  “All right,” said Juan. “Let’s do it. It’s getting late. Buddy, you go fetch Dial while we get set up here.”

  There was a tangible stir of excitement around me, and I was not part of it. Across the room, Professor L closed his eyes and shook his head.

  I shook my head also. We were getting ourselves into some deep doo-doo. Catastrophic caca, perilous poop, frightful feces—

  I stopped myself, but I think the professor would have been proud.

  Chapter Twenty

  I was a lousy president.

  Why couldn’t my friends and colleagues see the light of truth that was shining so clearly? Wasn’t it obvious we were walking into a death trap? Or could it still be possible that the professor and I had simply misinterpreted honest signals? Misread vital clues?

  After all, most of what I had was a gut feeling, and my gut was packed with eggs.

  But maybe they were right. Maybe part of me feared that all my life had led up to that moment, and if we actually discovered a vampire, my life would be pointless from then on.

  Maybe I was scared to have my dreams come true.

  And at that very moment, walking with the others on the dark road just outside the mansion, I knew the VVV were tailing us, though I wondered how those huge creatures could move through the woods without making a sound.

  Juan walked over to me as I trudged through the night. “Buddy’s hanging back in the bushes and watching our tail—doing this mostly for your sake and the professor’s sake. And as far as he’s concerned, nobody’s tailing us.”

  “I feel safer already.”

  “You’ve got an attitude, Andy. What’s with you, anyway? You afraid of being disappointed? I mean, I understand, this might be a major let-down. Perhaps you think it would be better not to uncover whatever is buried out there and let the mystery live on?”

  “Actually, Juan, I’m more afraid of who’s hiding in the bushes out there than any fear of being let down.” I didn’t want to tell him I was already let down by Janice’s growing crush on Dial, who was leading the way.

  “No, Andy, the way we figure it is that all your life, or most of it, you’ve wanted to meet a vampire; and now, as we’re about to unbury it, you begin to sabotage the trip—”

  “But I have good—”

  “Too late, Andy. We heard you out and now we’re a day behind. Now we do what the majority decides. Anyway, we’ve concluded you’re probably not ready to face this vampire.”

  Of all the idiotic...how could he possibly...I didn’t think I had any heart left to be broken...

  “Not?” I managed.

  “Yes, Andy. And rumors are even stirring that you perhaps may not be fit to lead our club.”

  I stiffened. I looked ahead where Dial was walking with Janice, gesturing and chuckling in the gloom. I wondered who started those rumors.

  “Juan, I’m going to say only one thing: you have all let me down in your haste and irresponsibility. If we uncover this vampire tonight in that grave, I will step down as leader; and if not, you must eat my shorts with horseradish sauce.”

  Reluctantly, he said, “Done.”

  He hurried away and caught up with Dial and Janice. I was not surprised to hear the slow crunching of feet as Professor L caught up to me.

  “Is there anything we can do to stop this?” I asked.

  “The machine is moving, what’s going to happen will happen. It’s beyond stopping. They are literally driven by this desire to find the vampire.”

  “Do you think we will?”

  “What do you think, my protégé?”

  “There’s no way. It’s what we discussed earlier: why leave the vampire out here in the cold and darkness, when they could keep a watch on him in comfort? It doesn’t make sense.”

  The professor looked ahead, sucking air deeply across his thin lips. The moon above was in its placid half-state, but I could still see the professor and the others easily enough. He said, “You are assuming, of course, that we are dealing with the legendary VVV. If the VVV did not interfere, the vampire would be nice and safe in the cemetery.”

  “Not quite, Professor. If it weren’t for the VVV, he wouldn’t have been killed in the first place. Remember, he was hunted by one of your relatives, whom we assume was associated with the VVV.”

  “Correct!”

  “And not only have we been dealing with these legendary assholes, we’ve been living with them. Earlier, you discussed your sixth sense.”

  “Yes,” said the Professor. “Still an intriguing concept.”

  “Well, my sixth sense has been ringing warning bells like crazy. We have been follow
ed and watched and checked upon for the last day and a half. These guys are professionals. They no doubt have a few hanging back, making sure we find our way, and the rest are waiting in the cemetery—lambs to the slaughter!”

  The night was chilly and it seemed as if my words hung frozen in the night air. The satchel at my side was getting heavy and my fingers, though garbed in cow flesh, were getting stiff.

  “I do not think we need to debate the VVV between ourselves,” said the professor. “I think it’s quite obvious what we’re up against.”

  “Yeah, tell that to them.”

  “It’s like I said, they’re beyond reason. All we can do now is try to keep them out of trouble.”

  Looking ahead, seeing Janice ogling Dial and Juan smugly walking before them and somewhere—God knows where—Buddy was crouched in the bushes as if he had any idea how to spot professional trackers, made me wonder if they were worth the trouble.

  But that thought quickly passed, for they were still my family. No others like them existed in the world. They were vampire lovers defined and, I reminded myself, they were doing this for the love of vampires.

  I would do anything for them.

  This was the Vampire Club.

  Chapter Twenty-one

  Vampires are best hunted under the full moon, but that was another thing that was wrong. The night was without light, though there was a smudge of yellow rising on the horizon.

  So that meant I didn’t see that pothole in the road that everyone else had somehow managed to avoid. I nearly broke my ankle.

  Professor L helped me up. “Tonight, my student, the night will be our ally.”

  I cursed and mumbled something about it being our damned enemy now.

  “No, Andy, tonight you and I will find safety in the darkness.”

  He stepped ahead of me and was whistling quietly to himself. A very content old man, almost jubilant, as if he’d been waiting for the chance to ditch the hallowed halls of academia for a little old-fashioned adventure.