by Lila Rose
My body jerked when Dodge planted his boot into my shin. “Fucker,” I mouthed. His head gestured to the paper. Sighing, I opened it.
We’re worried, brother.
So worried we got Dive to talk to his old lady and her being also concerned, she confessed shit to him.
Fuck, brother. Why didn’t you come tell us yourself? No brother in the club deals with huge shit on his own. We got each other’s backs, no matter the goddamn situation. You don’t want all to know, fine. But Dive and I know, and we’re here to help you get through this shit and get you back to us.
Mena will be here soon. Knew you’d be in a shit way wallowing in pity. Get cleaned up. She’s gonna take you to a class in an hour where you’ll learn sign language. Know you, so I know you won’t want your brothers there, so Mena’s gonna teach me and Dive until and IF you want the others to know. But I’m tellin’ you now, brother, you got nothin’ to fear from us knowing. We’re family.
So go deal with Dive and me knowin’, but do it showering.
And when Mena gets here, do not give her shit about spillin’, or Dive will have your balls.
Fuck me. My throat felt thick. I’d finished reading, but I couldn’t drag my eyes away from the paper.
We’re family.
Mena had talked, and it didn’t surprise me, but she didn’t just blab to anyone. She told her man, who told our prez, and he was now standing in front of me.
He’d come to sort my shit out and get me clean to move the fuck on.
Didn’t he see I’d be useless to Hawks? I couldn’t hear if trouble came our way. I couldn’t stake shit out. Christ, even in a fight I wasn’t sure I could best a man again.
Still, he was there callin’ me a brother and stating we were family.
Maybe he had more confidence in me than I had in myself. Or maybe he just didn’t see what I saw, how useless I was to them all.
Another jolt of pain to my shin and he thrust his phone in my face. Stop thinkin’ and just do. You’ll always be a part of Hawks, and there will always be a place for you. Now get the fuck up and get showered.
Hell, was the guy a mind reader?
Didn’t matter. The depressing-as-shit emotions of “what if” were dragging me down. Dodge was there, he was the prez, so I did what I had to. I got up from the couch, gave Dodge the finger, which caused him to smile, and walked from the room to the bathroom.
When they’d figure it all out, about how I was no good for the club, I’d deal with it then.
Then again, my brothers were good guys. They’d probably let me work in the garage. At least I fuckin’ hoped.
Goddamn Dodge showing and takin’ me outta my own pity party, giving me hope. I just prayed it wasn’t fuckin’ false hope.
Hell, knowing my luck, it was.
I’d felt false hope before, during one night in a hotel room in Sydney.
Dumb cunt I was thought things would change, that a relationship could have been possible with a certain person. Shaking my head as I got undressed, I realised once more how fuckin’ stupid I’d been to think things could be different. I’d barked up the wrong tree, and it’d cost me.
Cost me fuckin’ huge.
After turning on the water, I waited for it to heat up and caught my own gaze in the mirror.
Haunted and dead would be the best way I could describe what I saw staring back. My eyes were bloodshot and tired. My skin pale and lookin’ lifeless. Shit, it looked as if I’d lost weight in the last few weeks, something that pissed me off.
Snorting to myself, I shifted into the shower and slipped the shower curtain closed. The water ran over my body, the hot water stinging my skin. Still, I welcomed the pain.
Pain was something I was used to.
Not only physical, from being the best and fastest I could, but mental pain. Both showed up in my life like we were old friends.
My dad was good with mental pain. I’d lost count of the times he’d called me stupid or told me I wasn’t worth shit. Even the kids through school taunted me, that was until I got stronger and they became scared to say crap like that to me. I’d moved outta home as soon as I could to get away from my dad’s vicious words. Moved outta home and found myself a new family with the Hawks MC. They took me as I came: silent, but a person who could be deadly. There I met Knife.
He’d already been a prospect at Hawks for a month before I showed. I’d seen Hawks MC around and liked what I saw. I wanted it for myself, so I joined. Knife and I, being around the same age, connected, and our friendship lasted over a decade, until I fucked it all up.
We’d spent most of our time together. That was if he wasn’t off fuckin’ all the pussy he could get. Hell, even before Dodge showed and took over as president, we’d been on the same way of thinking how Hawks was going to shit. We were gonna chance a meeting with the big boss, Talon, just before Dodge showed and things changed once again for the good.
Dealin’ in shit was something a lot of the members didn’t want, so when we got clean, we breathed easier, and it’d been the best fuckin’ feeling.
One month, though, and everything had gone down the shitter.
If I thought my life sucked back in the day, I’d been wrong.
I was at my lowest, and I wasn’t sure I could pull myself out, even with help.
Running a hand through my hair one last time, I turned off the shower and got out. Drawing in a deep breath, I found my balls and sucked in all the emotional crap. All I could do was see how things went. Drowning in my sorrows wouldn’t get me anywhere, but shit, it was something I wanted to keep doing for a little while longer.
Knife would tell me to get the fuck over everything. I wasn’t dead, so I shouldn’t act like it.
Fuck, I missed the dickhead.
The dickhead I’d been in love with for, Christ, too long to count. He never knew, never suspected I was gay. Shit, I hid it well by taking women to my bed. It was all a cover because I was scared about how the brothers would react. Then Pick and Billy showed, and after dealing with the woman they both loved, they fell for one another as well, and it surprised the hell outta me the brothers didn’t care.
The thing was, they had a woman in the middle to defuse other shit. Then there was Julian and Mattie, but they were in Ballarat, and I’d seen some of the brothers looking at them like they were freaks.
I didn’t want that. I’d played up to my image so fucking well no one suspected a thing. From the way I was built, looked, I shouldn’t want to fuck some guy. Shouldn’t want to date, love, marry, have kids with a man.
But I did.
I wanted it all. But I wanted it with a man who’d freaked after what we’d done in a hotel room in Sydney. He freaked so much, he got on a plane before any of us and took off home. He hadn’t spoken to me since.
I’d fucked it all up, screwed our friendship over me wantin’ something I couldn’t have with him.
I was to blame, and it fuckin’ crushed me.
We’d seen each other around but avoided one another.
Actually, that wasn’t right. He avoided me. I’d tried to get his attention, sent him texts, gone to walk his way. All failed.
He wanted me gone from his life.
The sting from it all still zapped me in the chest every goddamn day.
So it didn’t surprise me he was a no-show when I hadn’t been at the compound for three fuckin’ weeks. I got messages from most, except him. The person I wanted one from.
He didn’t care.
So it was time I didn’t either.
After gettin’ dressed in black jeans and tee, I pulled on my boots and left my club vest sitting on my bed. I didn’t have a right to wear it.
Not until I sorted myself out… if I could.
Dodge
My brother was fuckin’…. Shit, I didn’t even know what he was feelin’, but I knew it wasn’t any good. His place was a mess. He’d been sittin’ in a dark room alone and drinking. His head was in turmoil about being deaf and where that left hi
m with the brotherhood. I knew it was, because if it had been me, I’d be thinkin’ the same goddamn thing.
It was time to help the brother out. But in doin’ it, we’d have to go slow.
Christ, when Dive came and told me Beast, a brother, could no longer hear, I felt it deep.
He thought he could fight this shit on his own. He was wrong.
A soft knock came to the front door. I stalked there and opened it, finding Mena shuffling from one foot to the other. Lookin’ over her shoulder, I spotted Dive in his pickup. I gave him a chin lift, and he took off. Not that he wanted to; he would have come in and talked to Beast, but Mena had suggested things would be better if the words came from his prez and her since she went to the hospital with him.
She’d been right. The way I found him, he wasn’t ready for anything, but I’d force things on him because I refused to lose him as a brother.
“How is he?” Mena asked as I stepped back and she entered. A frown marred her face as she took in the place. I went to the blinds in the living room and spread them wide. “Not good,” Mena answered her own question.
“Babe, all we can do is be there for him. Still, it’s also good to give the fucker some tough lovin’. He’s showering and going with you to the class.”
She nodded. “Good. Um, have you, ah… Knife, has he been to see Beast?”
“Darlin’, it’s best we leave that shit alone.”
“Do you know what’s—”
“Mena, babe. No, and it ain’t my business unless one of them comes to me.”
“But they were so close.”
“Yeah, and something happened. It’s for them to sort that shit out.”
“What do you think—”
“Sorry, darlin’ but I ain’t talkin’ about this with you.”
She nodded and huffed out her breath. Good to see a woman of a brother worrying about another brother. But the women needed to learn the men didn’t gossip about each fuckin’ other. Whatever the issue was between Beast and Knife, was with them. Even if I had an idea of what it was, I had to tell my own woman to stay the fuck outta it. If it caused the club trouble in any way, it was then I’d wade in. Until then, it was their problem to sort the fuck out.
It just sucked it was this way because they’d been close.
Closest brother Beast had ever had. He’d been one to keep to himself, and I was sure he’d had past shit to deal with, but I didn’t push myself on him.
Not until now.
How-fuckin’-ever, I wasn’t risking losing him to something like being deaf.
Life went on, and he’d soon see it.
Chapter Two
Knife
I was 100 percent fucked. I could only wish it was literally. Instead, it was my head that was all fucked up. Where it should have been thinking and dreamin’ of pussy, pussy, pussy, nice tight, wet snatches, it wasn’t. My traitorous mind was being fuckin’ hateful and throwing at me, both day and bloody night, cock, cock, and more goddamn motherfuckin’ cock.
Ever since that night in Sydney.
I’d gone to bed before Beast, not knowing where the man, who I had to share a tiny fuckin’ double bed with, was. However, in the middle of the night, I’d soon found myself wide awake and hornier than a teenage boy with his first stiffy. I’d also found myself curled into Beast’s back, my hand on his hip as I’d thrust my dick into the seam of his arse. At first, as I fully woke up, I thought I was home and had a woman in bed with me; it wasn’t until I opened my eyes and saw his naked back that I realised just who I was rubbin’ up against. I froze. My dick throbbed for release so I must have been at it for some time before I’d woken.
Freaked, I shifted back and would have tugged one out, even with Beast lyin’ next to me. Only that didn’t happen. When I started to move my hand from his hip, his hand came down on it, and he jerked his arse back on my dick.
“Beast,” I warned low, because shit, I was close to blowin’.
He didn’t listen. If anything, the sound of my voice got to him since he jerked his arse back again, then shifted up and down on it.
Lost.
I was fuckin’ lost in the feelin’.
It was wrong, the whole scene, but my dick led me to do shit I’d never thought I’d do. Gripping his hip, I’d glided my cock up and down his seam. He’d grunted through a groan, hitting me right in the dick and left me exploding right into my boxers.
It should have stopped there.
It didn’t.
His hand on mine pulled forward. I’d fallen against his back more, my eyes wide, my fuckin’ heart just about beat right outta my chest when he’d wrapped my palm around his huge, hard cock. With his hand over mine wound around himself, he’d ran them up and down his dick.
Even though I’d been ridin’ the high after coming hard, I should’a pulled back. I should have shoved him away. I didn’t. I put it down to the fact my mind wasn’t functionin’ right. Which was how I ended up tuggin’ him until he groaned low and squirted his release over my hand and floor.
Then it had all kicked in.
What we’d done.
Wide awake, I’d flopped to my back and wiped my hand on the sheet.
Hell, it was then I freaked. After all, I’d just ground against my mate’s arse and come, then held his dick in my hand while he’d gotten off.
The bed dipped as Beast shifted around, and my pulse had ticked higher. When I saw his hand rising as if he were gonna touch me intimately, I’d scrambled outta bed and went to hide in the bathroom.
Wasn’t sure how long I stayed in there. I sat on the toilet with the seat down and ran through my head what went down in that bed. In a way, I was kinda disgusted with myself. What scared me the most was thinkin’ of how we’d go on from there.
He was Beast.
My friend.
My closest friend.
Christ, I hadn’t even known he was into that shit.
Was he gay?
He couldn’t have been. I knew the man got pussy.
With not knowing what to do, I’d showered and then crept into the room. I wasn’t sure if he was asleep or fakin’ it. I didn’t care. I’d been too freaked. I’d grabbed my shit and flew outta there like my socks were on fire.
From that night on, I’d been a dick.
It’d been too many weeks since I’d spoken, made eye contact, or stayed in the same room as Beast. I couldn’t explain why, maybe I was a coward, but that shit scared the fuck outta me. What we did wasn’t us…. At least I didn’t think it was.
The day I saw him race from the compound in a furious mood a few weeks back, I knew something bad had happened, yet I couldn’t bring myself to see if he wanted or needed my help. I sucked at being a friend, all because of what happened in that room.
Something was goin’ down with Beast though. Everything inside of me wanted to know what. However, like the pansy I was, I didn’t find out.
And as each day passed, it got harder to restrain myself from gettin’ some answers. Hell, I even tried bringin’ it up with Dodge after I knew he’d been to see him a week back. He’d glared and told me, “Find out your fuckin’ self.”
Which was what I was gonna do.
I was sick and tired of missin’ the big fucker.
So I had to put what happened behind me. Shit, I’d freaked for a good time; it was time to move forward and get back the friendship we’d had.
That was if I could forget I had his dick in my hand.
There lay the bigger problem.
I couldn’t forget.
Night after night, I woke hard from dreamin’ I had him.
As in I had him.
Taken his arse instead of grinding against it, and he fuckin’ loved it as much as I did.
It all confused me.
Fuckin’ confused me to a goddamn point I wasn’t sure I knew myself any longer.
I’d never thought about a man’s arse. Never looked at my hand, like I was doing then, and thought about havin’ another guy’s
dick in it while I jacked him off.
I wasn’t gay.
Pussy was my best friend, and I fuckin’ loved it.
But since that bloody night, my mind threw thoughts of cock at me.
Most importantly, Beast’s cock and arse.
“Fuck,” I whispered harshly into my empty room at the compound.
I’m not gay.
But I needed my friend back.
For him to be away from his brothers, something big had gone down, and I was an arsehole for not being there for him like all the other brothers.
Standing from my bed, I made my way outta my room and down the hall, to the back of the compound where the kitchen was.
Thank fuck it was deserted. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone. Low must have been in there recently; the place was clean. Nary was also present with the fruit and cupcakes on the huge-arse table. I grabbed a banana from the basket and peeled it, throwing the peel into the bin beside the counter. Leaning against the table, I took a bite, chewed, and swallowed, then froze.
My mind was my own, but it was a dirty fucker.
Seein’ the banana in my hand, my mind took me to the hotel room where I held Beast’s dick in my hand. It wasn’t even the goddamn same size; Beast was bigger.
Aw, shit, now I’m comparing a banana to a man’s cock.
Then my mind went ahead and fucked me up royally because it placed a picture in there of a person givin’ head.
Was it something I could do?
Screwing my face up at the thought, I shook my head and went to take another bite, only to pause and slide my mouth down slowly on the banana. Wasn’t bad. I could handle it. Why in the fuck am I thinking I could handle a dick in my mouth?
It touched the back of my throat, and I gagged, only to choke when Mena and Dive suddenly appeared in the doorway.
Dive’s eyes widened. Then he smirked and asked, “What in the fuck you doin’?”
I tore the banana out of my mouth, only it was still down the back of my throat, so I retched a little, breathing heavily through my nose. Quickly chewing and swallowing what I could, I shook my head and gave him the middle finger.
Mena shifted into the room and over to the coffee maker. Finally finishing what was in my mouth, I shot daggers to my brother and replied darkly, “Eatin’ a fuckin’ banana. What in the hell you think I was doin’?”