Love and Joy

by Linda Seed

  He didn’t even realize how awkwardly silent he’d been on the drive until Vanessa spoke up.

  “So, I figure she’s either an ex, or you’re still seeing her and you got caught with someone else.”

  Nix glanced at her as he drove, feeling like shit on so many levels that he could hardly enumerate them.

  “My ex,” he said.

  “Ah.”

  They drove a little farther without saying anything.

  “And you’re still hung up on her,” Vanessa said. It wasn’t a question.

  “I … yeah. Yes.”

  “So this date was, what? Revenge?”

  “No. Not at all. It was just … It was me trying to see if I was ready to be over her.”

  “And you’re not.”

  “Apparently, I’m not.”

  “Okay.”

  He shot her a look. “You’re not mad?”

  She shrugged and let out a breath. “It’s a first date, Nix. I didn’t exactly have time to get attached.”

  “Right. Okay. Good.”

  “Plus, it’ll make a good story tomorrow when I’m telling my friends,” she added. “We’re coming out of the restaurant and the ex pops out of the bushes? Priceless.” She laughed.

  He couldn’t help smiling at that, even though he felt the misery of the brokenhearted. “You’re really being a good sport about this.”

  “Oh, God. The stories I could tell you about my first dates gone wrong.” Then she began to tell them, and they were good stories. Nix started to feel a little better.

  Chapter 37

  “Holy shit. What do I do now?” Joy stood with Amber on the sidewalk outside Robin’s, still in shock over what had happened.

  “You go ahead with the plan,” Amber said. “You do what you came to do. Only, you wait until tomorrow.”

  “I can’t do it now! What if he and she are a thing? What if she’s back at his place getting naked right now? Oh, God.” Joy covered her face with her hands, then slid her hands into her hair and pulled at it. “Shit. I’ve lost him. It’s over.”

  “Maybe it isn’t.…”

  “It can’t be over. It can’t.” Joy went on as though Amber hadn’t spoken. “I can’t lose him, Amber. Not now that I know I love him.”

  “Come on.” Amber took Joy by the arm and led her toward the car. “Let’s get some sleep, then we can regroup in the morning.”

  They hadn’t booked a room ahead of time, and most of the hotels in Cambria stopped staffing the reception desk at eight p.m. So they drove up to San Simeon and checked in at the Motel 6.

  It was everything you’d expect from a Motel 6—relatively cheap and available and strangely orange—and they flopped onto the two double beds as soon as they got inside their room.

  “You didn’t get to eat,” Joy said. “You must be starving. Amber—”

  “Don’t worry about it.” Amber was spread out like a starfish on her bed. “I’m too exhausted to eat now, anyway.”

  Joy was certain she wouldn’t be able to sleep, and she was right—she didn’t. She took a hot shower to relax, but that didn’t help, and afterward, she lay in bed in the dark listening to Amber’s soft breathing and pondering whether to text Nix.

  If she did text him, what would she say?

  Sorry I interrupted your date. Hope you still got laid.

  Obviously, that was out.

  The idea of him with that woman, possibly in bed, his hands on her body, made her stomach hurt and her chest burn.

  When she started to cry, she tried to keep quiet about it so she wouldn’t wake Amber. It was all her fault, anyway, so she deserved to suffer alone and in silence.

  Nix was not going to text Joy. He was not going to text Joy.

  He reminded himself of this fact many times over the long sleepless night as he lay in his bed looking out the skylight at the vast, unknowable universe.

  If she’d come for him, she would get in touch. And if she hadn’t, then there was no point anyway.

  But what if she had come for him, and she’d abandoned her plan to approach him when she’d seen Vanessa? That seemed like a distinct possibility.

  Still, he was not going to text her.

  After a long and fruitless time trying to sleep, he got up, went downstairs, and paced the length of his house, scrubbing at his face with his hands and raking his fingers through his hair.

  He could text her.

  Why shouldn’t he text her?

  He grabbed his phone off the coffee table and composed a message.

  It was our first date. I took her home right after, and then I came back to my place. Alone.

  Once the message had been written, he stared at it for a long time, deciding what to do. Send? Don’t send?

  “Fuck it,” he said out loud, to no one, and hit SEND.

  Joy gasped when her phone pinged with a text. Because, who else could it be but Nix? She checked the clock—just after two a.m. He’d had time to sleep with his girlfriend, surely. Maybe he was letting Joy know he’d moved on. Maybe the woman—Vanessa—was lying beside him, naked, right now.

  The idea swirled around inside her like an illness.

  Stop torturing yourself. Just read it.

  First date. No sex. She processed all of it as she read. She should have been happy about the no-sex part—and she was—but the fact that there had been a date in the first place showed that Joy had very nearly been too late.

  But she wasn’t too late—she wasn’t—because he wanted her to know there’d been no sex. He wanted her to know that woman wasn’t his girlfriend.

  Not yet, anyway.

  You’re dating, she wrote to him. You’re moving on.

  Trying to, he responded. Unless there’s a reason I shouldn’t move on.

  Her heart pounded, and her palms were getting sweaty. Tears sprang to her eyes, and she wiped them away with her fingertips.

  You’re at home, then? she texted.

  Yes.

  Joy hesitated only a moment. Don’t move. I’m on my way.

  She scrambled to get dressed in the dark without waking Amber. She grabbed the first clothes she could find in her bag—a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie. She crammed her feet into her shoes, grabbed her purse and Amber’s keys off of the dresser, and left, an adrenaline rush vibrating through her and annihilating the tiredness she’d felt.

  This is crazy. It’s the middle of the night. I’m crazy.

  What if she got there and said what she had to say, and he rejected her? What then?

  She couldn’t think about that. She just couldn’t. She had to have courage. She had to … well, yes. Defy gravity. It was time to unleash the flying monkeys.

  Holy shit. She was coming over. She was coming over now.

  Nix didn’t know what to do. Should he be … preparing somehow? Should he be planning what he was going to say?

  But it wasn’t his turn to say anything, really. He’d declared his love, and now that fact was out there. The ball was in her court. It was her turn to either return it or end the game.

  When he heard her car pulling up in front of the house, he felt sick with nerves. It wouldn’t do to show it, though. He took a deep breath, let it out with his eyes closed, then walked out onto the porch to meet her.

  The thing was, the moment Joy parked the car and saw Nix standing under the porch light, she was pretty sure she didn’t deserve him.

  God, just look at him, his shoulder leaning against the doorjamb, his hands tucked into his pockets like he was waiting for the mailman or the Amazon delivery guy. So casual, like none of this mattered. But even from here, even this far away, she could see that it did matter. She could read it in the way he shifted from one foot to the other, the way he rubbed his mouth with one hand before returning the hand to his pocket.

  She’d been wanting him for so long that the wanting had become a part of her, a standard piece that couldn’t be removed from the rest without the entire structure of her life falling to the ground.


  Her hands trembling, Joy unlocked the car door, opened it, and got out.

  She didn’t walk to him at first. She just stood there next to the car, waiting for him to make the next move, waiting for his words or his body language to tell her what to do.

  It wasn’t until that moment that she realized she must look awful. Sweatpants, a hoodie, no makeup, her hair a disheveled mess. She should have planned this out more. She should have—

  “You look beautiful.” He said it as though he were reading her mind. And then he was coming down the stairs from the porch, coming to her.

  She laughed at that, at the ridiculousness of it. “I don’t.”

  “You really do.” And now he was standing in front of her, so close she could smell his scent. He reached out to brush the hair away from her forehead. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

  She’d stopped breathing, and she willed herself to start again.

  “Nix.”

  “She was just … a date. That’s all. Just a date. I went out with her to try to forget about you.”

  “Did it work?” Her voice was a ragged whisper.

  “No.” He pulled her to him, tangled her hair in his hands, and kissed her.

  Joy clung to Nix with all of the intensity of months of unresolved longing. She opened her mouth to him, letting him devour her, giving everything back to him as her body filled with heat.

  She staggered back and bumped into the car with Nix still on her, and she recalled dimly that this was the second time she’d been pressed against her car in a kiss.

  She wouldn’t mind it happening again and again.

  Her hands lay against his cheeks and then moved down to his throat, feeling him, wanting his skin beneath her palms.

  “I …” She gasped as he moved his mouth to her jawline, tasting her. “I thought I was too late.”

  “You’re exactly on time.”

  She squealed as he picked her up in his arms and carried her up the stairs and into the house.

  Chapter 38

  Nix still didn’t trust what was happening. He wanted to, but some little voice in his brain said it could all end in a second if he made the wrong move.

  So he just wouldn’t make any wrong moves.

  He felt like a happy caveman, carrying a woman to his bed. Or, he did until they got to the ladder that led to the sleeping loft.

  “I don’t think I can manage to carry you up the ladder.” He set her down on her feet. “It would kind of ruin the moment if I drop you on the floor.”

  She giggled and smiled at him in a way that lit up her whole face. Hell, it lit up the room and, beyond that, his entire world.

  Joy scrambled up the ladder into the loft, and he was right behind her, enjoying the view.

  When they got up there, they turned to each other, on their knees in the low space, and kissed more tentatively, more slowly, because they had time to do this right. He rubbed his hands over her back.

  “Are you sure this is what you want?” He was afraid to even ask it, his voice breaking, because what if she said no?

  “Yes.” She nodded. “Yes. I’m sure.”

  “Thank God.” He took her face in his hands and tasted her mouth, her cheek, the line of her jaw. Then he took her hoodie by the hem and lifted it over her head, tossing it aside onto the bed. He wanted to go for her T-shirt next, but he hesitated. “I can turn the lights out if you want.”

  “No. Leave them on.”

  “Really?”

  “If you want to.”

  “I do. I really do. God, I want to see you.” The idea of it—of her letting him undress her and see her body—made him even more painfully hard than he already was.

  He saw something in her face—something brave and determined—and she took off her shirt, kneeling before him in sweatpants and a bra.

  Her skin was pale and smooth, and he couldn’t believe it was his to touch.

  “You’re gorgeous.” He ran his hands over her shoulders, everything he’d ever wanted right here within arm’s reach. “You’re absolutely … you’re an angel.”

  He undressed her the rest of the way, and he spent the rest of the night exploring—and pleasuring—every part of her.

  As it happened, nobody needed a blindfold.

  In the morning, Joy woke to find herself wrapped around Nix, both of them warm and naked in the morning sun coming through the skylight. She’d never thought she could be this happy. Or, if she could, she’d never thought it would last. But now? She was ready for this.

  She was ready for forever.

  She lay there and breathed in Nix’s warm morning scent, and she couldn’t wait to tell Amber.

  Oh, crap. Amber.

  Joy had sneaked out in the dead of night without even leaving a note. Plus, she had Amber’s car.

  She got out of bed, careful not to wake Nix, and scrambled into her clothes. Then she went downstairs, hunted up Amber’s keys, and went to the car where she’d left her bag.

  She brought her purse into the house, dug her phone out of it, and saw that Amber had texted her several times in the last hour.

  Joy, where are you?

  Where’s my car?

  You’re at Nix’s, aren’t you? :D

  But seriously, I need my car.

  Joy composed a text: Sorry! Yes, I’m at Nix’s place. Your car is safe. Will bring it to you before check-out time.

  Forget the logistics. How did things go?! Did you do it yet?

  Depends on what “it” you mean.

  You know what I mean! Did you give it to him?

  Not yet.

  She’d gotten so wrapped up in the events of last night, she’d almost forgotten the thing she’d come to Cambria to do.

  Nix handed her the perfect opportunity when he came downstairs a couple of minutes later, looking delicious in nothing but a pair of jeans, his feet bare, his hair down and brushing his shoulders.

  “Everything okay?” he asked.

  “I was just texting Amber.” She held up her phone to illustrate. “I left the motel last night without telling her, and I thought I’d better check in.”

  He nodded, then grinned and gave her a long, deep kiss. Still holding her in his arms, he said, “Coffee?”

  “Yes, please.”

  He went into the kitchen, set up the coffeemaker, pushed the ON button, then turned to her, leaning his butt against the countertop. “Come here.” He opened his arms to her, and she stepped into them. “Is this … I don’t want to be that guy who has to talk about what it all means, but … I need to know what this is. I want … I want this every day for the rest of my life. You, here, with me. If that’s not what this is, then I need to know.”

  She leaned into him and gave him a tentative, shy smile. “That’s what you want? Every day, forever?”

  “That’s what I want.” He rubbed her back with both hands. “I still have the ring. I can hold onto it until you’re ready. I don’t need to rush you. But … just so you know.”

  “Speaking of that.” Joy pushed against his chest to free herself from his grasp, then went to her purse. She rummaged around inside it, then came out with something she had hidden in her hand.

  “What’s that?” he asked.

  “Just give me a second.” She took a deep, shuddering breath and let it out. She was trembling. “I have to … you know. Mentally prepare.” She wiggled from one foot to the other, stretching her neck as though she were getting ready to accomplish some athletic feat.

  “Joy, what are you—”

  “Shh.” She put one finger to his lips to quiet him. Then, incredibly, she got down on one knee and reached for his hand. “Nix, I love you. I couldn’t say it before, even though I felt it—God, so much—but I can say it now. I’m ready for this, for you, for all of it.” She held out a ring, gold and sparkling in the morning light. “I’m not perfect, and I’m never going to be. But I’ll do my best. Will you marry me?”

  “You bought me a ring.” He stood ther
e, stunned, looking down at her, at the ring in her hand. “Holy shit. You bought me a ring.”

  “Will you take it? Will you take … me?”

  He dropped down to his knees in front of her and pulled her into his arms. “Of course I will. God. Yes. Of course I will.” He kissed her soundly, then took the ring and put it on his finger.

  Then he grabbed her, and she squealed as he brought both of them to the floor, his body covering hers.

  After that, it was a while before either of them said anything.

  Afterward, as they lay naked on the floor of his house, somewhere between the kitchen and the sitting area, he rose up on one elbow to look at her. “What do you think about living here, in the tiny house?”

  “I just assumed we would.”

  “Good. But …”

  “But what?”

  “But now you’re going to have half as much room for your clothes as you did before.”

  “Oh. That’s a good point.”

  “I had a thought about that,” he said.

  “You did? When? Between last night and this morning?”

  “No. Jeez. I’ve been thinking about you coming here to live with me for a hell of a lot longer than that.”

  She trailed her hand down his chest. “So, what’s your thought?”

  “A dressing shed.”

  “A dressing shed?”

  “Yeah. I could build a ten-by-ten shed next to the house, with hardwood floors and built-in shelving and vanity lighting. It could be like a big walk-in closet for all your things.”

  Her mouth fell open. “You’d do that for me?”

  “Joy, I’d do anything for you. Including moving into a regular house, if that’s what you want.”

  She knew he loved the tiny house, knew it was a part of who he was. And she wanted that for him. She didn’t want him to compromise on that or anything else.