The Bonds Within

by Megs Pritchard

  "He's my brother. I know you blame him for what happened to you, but do you think it would have made any difference if he'd stood up for you back then?"

  Tom stepped back. "What? Course it would've."

  "Do you think my parents would have let you live with them?" Seb asked.

  "What the fuck?" Tom stared at Seb open-mouthed.

  "Or, do you think they'd have punished Josh?"

  Glaring at Seb, Tom pointed a finger at him. "Don't fuckin' defend him for what he did."

  "What could he have done?" Seb asked quietly.

  "He could've said something, anything!" Tom shouted at him. "I knew you'd side with him. What about me?"

  "What about you? You know I love you, but he's my brother."

  "So what? You're choosing him."

  "No –"

  "Yeah, ya fuckin' are."

  "You're making me choose, Tom. Don't."

  Tom shook his head, taking another step back. "You already have. You know what? Fine. Do what you want. I've had enough."

  "Tom, wait. Don't go," Seb called after him, standing by the kitchen door.

  "Go after him. I'll stay with Josh," Matt told Seb. He couldn't let the issues he and Josh had ruin Tom and Seb's relationship.

  Seb shook his head but continued to stare after Tom. He rubbed his hands over his face, sighing. "Fuck," he muttered, turning back to Josh. "We need to talk. Get up, Josh. We need to sort this out. I'm sick of fighting you all the time. I've had enough. Let's sort this shit out."

  "Or what?"

  "For fuck's sake, Josh. Stop being a cunt and get up off the floor. We need to talk about our parents and the fact you like men."

  "You calling me gay?" Josh shouted, standing up and facing Seb.

  "No, I'm not. You're like me. We like both sexes, and there's nothing wrong with that." Seb paused rubbing his face again. "I'm getting a fucking headache. I'm tired of fighting you, Josh. We used to be so close. What happened?"

  "You fuckin' left. You left me with them." Josh threw his arms out as he spoke. "They got worse, and you weren't there. They worshipped you, and I was the screw-up."

  "I'm sorry. I didn't know," Seb muttered.

  "How could you not know? Didn't you see it or was Uni so fucking important?" Josh turned and stared out of the window.

  Matt stepped closer to him and reached out to touch him, but Josh jerked away from him. Matt looked over to Seb and Seb shook his head at him. Matt glanced back at Josh and noticed his body language. His hands gripped the counter, and he was grinding his jaw, his shoulders tense.

  "I'm sorry, Josh. I should have noticed, and I'm sorry. You always seemed happy when I came home, and you were always out with your friends."

  "Yeah, they let me out when you came back 'cause they wanted to spend their time with you. They'd give me money and tell me not to come back until later." Josh walked to the door. "Don't worry. I won't come back."

  "Wait. Where are you going?" Seb asked.

  Matt stood still watching Seb follow Josh from the kitchen. He could hear their mumbled conversation and Matt eventually slumped to the floor, wrapping his arms around his drawn up legs. Luke walked in and sat next to him, leaning gently on Matt's side.

  Together, they sat in silence.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Seb slashed his hand through the air. "No, you don't get to apologise. I never expected you to lie to my fucking face. All the times Tom said something was going on with you, and I would tell him he was imagining it and defending The front door banging shut caused Matt to jump, and he glanced at Luke who shrugged in return. Seb stormed back into the kitchen and kicked the cupboards shouting, "Fuck!" He glared at Matt before he squatted in front of him. "How long?" he asked. "How long were you two fucking?"

  Matt swallowed hard, staring into Seb's furious gaze. He'd never seen him this pissed before. Seb's nostrils flared as he breathed and his hands were clenched into fists. He stood and paced the floor before he kicked the cupboard again. He looked flushed, and he picked up a mug, throwing it at the wall. The sound of it breaking caused Matt to jump again.

  "Six months," Matt whispered, watching Seb pace.

  "Six months?" Seb stopped pacing and slowly turned to face Matt. "Six fucking months?" Seb shook his head. "You've been lying to us for six whole months. After everything I've done for you. You sat in my house and lied to my face about fucking my own brother."

  "Seb, I'm sorry –"

  Seb slashed his hand through the air. "No, you don't get to apologise. I never expected you to lie to my fucking face. All the times Tom said something was going on with you, and I would tell him he was imagining it and defending you, but he was right."

  "Seb, I'm –"

  "Shut the fuck up," Seb shouted. He pointed his thumb to his chest. "I'm talking, and you're going to listen." Seb paused, and then whispered, "Get out."

  "What?" Matt gasped out.

  "You can't mean it, Seb," Luke said.

  "Get out. Now." Seb stared intently at Matt.

  Matt's mouth fell open as he struggled to breathe. "Please, Seb. I'm sorry –"

  "I said get the fuck out of my house," Seb screamed.

  Matt scrambled off the floor, grabbing his coat and wallet, and ran from the house. Slamming the door shut behind him, he ran down the path then stopped. He didn't know where to go. Fuck, what if Seb had really thrown him out. Where would he live? He choked back a sob as he walked down the street with no destination in mind.

  Forty minutes later, he stood outside Ben and Geoff's' house wondering if he should knock on their door. He was about to turn away when the front door opened, and Ben looked at him.

  Stepping back, Ben gave Matt a small smile, "Come in, Matt. Luke called. He's been trying to reach you, but you left your phone at home."

  "Will it cause a problem me being here?" Matt asked before walking in.

  "Nah. Seb just needs to calm down."

  Matt stepped in and went to the kitchen. Geoff was in there and smiled as he handed him a cup of tea.

  "I've messed up so bad," Matt muttered as he leant on the counter.

  "Yes, you have," Geoff agreed.

  "I don't know what to do. I tried to apologise to Seb, but he threw me out."

  "See it from his point of view." Geoff leant back on the counter next to Matt. "Seb gave you a place to stay. He helped you get on your feet and start living your life again. You're at Uni because of him. He's defended you to Tom on multiple occasions. I know because we've spoken about it in work. Tom's been worried about you. He was aware something was happening to you, and you wouldn't talk to him. On top of that, Seb's been trying to rebuild his relationship with his brother and his parents." Geoff took a sip of his tea. "Then he finds out that you've lied to him. That you've been in a relationship with his brother. The same brother who has done nothing but cause problems for him and Tom. You can understand why he would be angry."

  Matt sighed, nodding. "Yeah. I didn't know what to do. The longer it went on, the harder it was to tell anyone. And Josh didn't want anyone to know. He can't accept that he might be gay."

  "No, I can imagine it's difficult for him. His upbringing and the way his parents are. Then there's the whole Seb and Tom issue as well."

  "Yeah, his parents aren't great." Matt sighed again and watched Ben move around the kitchen. "I'm just...I don't know what to do."

  "Stay here for a few hours then head back home. Seb will have calmed down by then, and you'll be able to talk."

  "Has Tom returned?"

  Geoff frowned. "I didn't know he'd left."

  "He stormed out after punching Josh. We pulled him off, but then Seb tried to calm him down while trying to help Josh and Tom lost it and stormed out."

  "So Seb's now worried about Tom." Geoff paused glancing away. "I think you should stay here tonight, and give them some space to talk this through."

  Matt nodded. "Probably Luke too."

  "I've been on the phone to him, and he's on his way over now. Oh
, he's got your phone too," Ben told them. "I'm making a pasta salad for lunch if you're interested."

  "I'm not hungry," Matt muttered.

  "Matt, you need to eat something," Geoff said. "I know this situation is difficult right now, but you won't help yourself if you don't eat. Have you eaten at all today?"

  "No, Josh turned up 'cause I wasn't answering my phone."

  "Yeah, you could have told me about you and him." Ben frowned at him. "I had to hear it from Luke."

  "I'm sorry. Fuck. All I've done this morning is fucking apologise."

  "That's what happens when you keep secrets, Matt. People aren't going to be happy when they find out they've been lied to. How long has this been going on for?" Geoff asked.

  "About six months," Matt muttered.

  "Six months." Ben's mouth dropped open as he stared at Matt and Matt looked away. He'd fucked up. He knew he should have been honest, but he wanted Josh more, and Josh wanted to keep them a secret.

  "About that, yeah."

  "And you couldn't tell me?"

  Sighing, Matt answered. "Josh didn't want anyone to know."

  "I'm not surprised considering how he constantly screams at Seb and Tom about their relationship. How unnatural it is and an abomination. And he's fucking you. Twat." Ben slammed the fridge door shut as he faced Matt. "You've been there when Josh has been shouting abuse at them and didn't say anything. No wonder Seb's pissed off. Do you know the shit he's taken for having you and Luke live with him? And that's on top of everything he had to face with his family because of Tom."

  "Ben--"

  "No, Geoff. He needs to hear this. Seb's suffered, and it's put a strain on their relationship. The constant abuse Seb's had from his family 'cause he loves Tom. And Matt's been fucking his brother! Of course, he's angry. I'm angry. I can't believe you've lied to me."

  "Want me to go?"

  "Course I fucking don't. I'm just telling ya how I feel and I'm pissed off with you." Ben inhaled deeply before continuing, "What's Luke had to say?"

  "He hasn't really. He left when it all kicked off."

  "He's clearly the smart one." Ben leant on the counter, shaking his head. "I can't believe after everything we've been through that you would lie to me."

  "I love him, Ben. What was I supposed to do? He's the first person I've been with since...since before." Matt sucked a breath in. "I didn't want to lose him, and I wouldn't call what we had a relationship. We fucked."

  "But Josh, you couldn't have picked someone with less baggage?"

  Geoff sighed. "We don't choose who we fall in love with, Ben. Listen to what he has to say."

  Ben glared at Geoff. "You know, at times I hate the fact that you're a solicitor."

  Geoff grinned. "Really? You weren't saying that last night."

  Ben blushed and looked away. "Yeah, well, that was last night."

  "TMI. I really don't need to be hearing this guys," Matt told them, grimacing. He didn't want to hear about their role-playing games. He didn't want that picture in his head.

  Geoff chuckled as the doorbell rang. "That's probably Luke. He should be able to tell us what's going on."

  Matt watched Ben move around the kitchen, slamming doors and muttering. He stopped and leant on the counter again. "Six fucking months? Couldn't you have said something to me?"

  "What could I have said? 'Oh I'm fucking Josh, you know, the guy everyone hates.' Yeah, that would've gone over so well, don't you think?"

  "Sarcastic motherfucker."

  "I leave the room for one minute, and when I come back, you're calling each other names. Very mature."

  Ben turned to face Geoff. "He should have told us. All the times he's sat there while we've been discussing his boyfriend –"

  "He's not my boyfriend."

  Ben spun back to Matt. "Then what the fuck is he? Someone you fuck? I thought you'd gotten past that."

  Matt stood in front of Ben and poked him in the chest with his pointed finger. "Don't you throw our past in my face."

  "Then tell me what's different. 'Cause from here, it looks like you're still whoring yourself out, but now you're not getting paid."

  "That's it. Shut up, both of you," Geoff told them as he stepped in between them. "Leave the past out of it, Ben."

  "I think I'll go. Thanks for the invite." Luke raised his eyebrows, giving a mock wave and turned away.

  "Wait, Luke," Geoff said. "We are going to sit down and talk about this like the adults we are, though at the moment that is questionable with how certain individuals are behaving."

  "Thanks," Ben muttered, glaring at Geoff.

  "I love you, Ben, but you need to let Matt tell us what's been happening between him and Josh. It can't have been easy for him to keep this a secret for so long."

  "It wasn't. I wanted to tell everyone." Matt sighed as he sat on one of the bar stools. "I didn't know what to do. I couldn't walk away." Matt rubbed his face with his hands and kept his face hidden.

  When he felt a touch on his shoulder, he lifted his head. Luke gave him a sad smile and squeezed his shoulder before releasing him.

  "You really do love him, don't you?" he asked Matt.

  Matt's stare flickered between Luke's eyes as he nodded. "Yeah, I do. It's been so hard. He isn't easy, but I know why he is the way he is, and I wanted to be there for him. I just...fuck, I don't know..." He trailed off, not knowing how to finish the sentence.

  No one spoke as Matt stared at the counter. He could feel the tension in the air, and he glanced at Ben, seeing him stood with his arms crossed.

  "Let's eat, and we can talk more if you want to." Geoff moved over to stand next to Ben and started gathering items he would need.

  Ben continued to glare at Matt and Matt gave him a closed-lipped smile which he didn't return. He glanced away as his shoulders slumped. Was everyone going to hate him?

  "Tea or coffee."

  Matt looked at Ben again and saw the mugs in his hands. "Coffee please."

  Ben started messing with the coffee machine, and Matt looked at Luke when he sat next to him.

  "Here's your phone." Luke passed his phone over, and Matt stared at the blank screen.

  He gave a tight smile, shaking his head. "Don't know if I want to switch it on."

  "You don't have to. Take some time out and figure out what you're gonna do."

  "I don't know," Matt admitted, rubbing his thumb across the screen.

  "Do you want to be with him?"

  Matt looked out of the window, thinking about his answer. He couldn't go back to how things had been, and he wasn't sure if his friends would accept Josh. Josh had caused too much pain, and Matt didn't know if he could fix that. But he loved him, and being away from him was like a form of torture. His insides would twist and tighten, and he would struggle to breathe. He was emotionally drained and felt... defeated.

  "I don't know. It hurts."

  "Being with him or not being with him."

  "Both."

  Luke didn't respond, and Matt continued to look out of the window, thinking about Josh. The situation was so fucked up. He'd walked away because he couldn't live a lie and Matt didn't want to be Josh's emotional punching bag, but he missed him.

  He rubbed his forehead and closed his eyes. Taking a shaky breath in, he opened his eyes and looked at Luke. He tried to smile, but ended up biting his lip when he felt it wobble.

  Closing his eyes again, he felt Luke wrap an arm around his shoulders, and he leant into him as he choked back a sob. His chest ached, and he shuddered as he tried to hold back the sobs. Everything seemed to be falling apart. He'd left Josh, his friends pretty much hated him, and Seb had practically thrown him out.

  He felt Luke wrap his other arm around him, rocking him gently as he cried.

  Chapter Seventeen

  "What the fuck is your problem?"

  Josh staggered around and glared at the man who'd spoken to him. He gripped the neck of the beer bottle he held, staring at him. Josh looked the man up and down before
smirking and turning his back on him.

  "I'm talking to you," His shoulder was grabbed, and he spun around, stumbling into the other man.

  Pushing Josh away, he shouted, "Fuck you."

  Josh saw the fist coming, but he couldn't move fast enough to avoid being hit. His head snapped to the side, and he was powerless to stop his body from following. He crumpled to the ground and blinked dazedly up at his assailant.

  "Touch my boyfriend again, and you'll get more of that."

  Laughing, Josh told him, "Why would I want to touch a fag like him? Fuck knows what I'll catch."

  "What the fuck did you just say? You're calling us fags? You dumb piece of shit. You're in a fucking gay bar, and you're calling us fags?"

  "Like I fuckin' care."

  "Yeah, well, it's obvious you don't."

  "Jake, I'll take care of this shit. Go back to your man." Josh narrowed his eyes, staring up at the owner of the new voice, and frowned as he struggled to focus. He grunted when he was abruptly lifted from the floor and stumbled when he was dragged to the door.

  He arms windmilled when he was shoved to the ground outside, and Josh groaned as pain flooded his body. He lay on the ground for a few minutes trying to get his bearings, and he eventually pushed up into a sitting position. He moaned and held his head in his hands as the world spun around him and he had to breathe through his mouth.

  Swallowing the saliva flooding his mouth, he squeezed his eyes shut and groaned. He opened them again when he heard laughter above him, and he stared blearily in the direction of the sound.

  "Fucking pisshead."

  Josh rolled to his hands and knees and pushed up using the wall to lean on. He paused to catch his breath and waited for his rolling stomach to settle. He clenched his teeth as bile burned up his throat and repeatedly swallowed to stop from being sick.

  Pushing from the wall, Josh staggered down the street in the vague direction of home. Every few steps he had to stop and let his stomach settle before he could carry on.

  Thirty minutes later, he stood outside his door trying to get the key into the lock. He winced when his phone rang, and he tried to get it out of his pocket, but managed to drop it on the floor.