Unmending the Veil

by Lisa Heaton

  “Once I left, I knew you would never hear from me again, and I could not allow you to think I don’t care about you. I do.”

  “I know you do. I would have never thought that.”

  They sat for a moment, still holding hands. After some time, he asked, “You are going to be okay, aren’t you?”

  “Yes.” Smiling, she added, “I won’t let you down.”

  “Let me down?”

  “We have begun a good work.”

  “That is scripture, you know. He who began a good work…”

  “I know. That is why I said it. We have, God, you and me. I will keep seeking Him.”

  “That’s what I wanted to hear.” Looking out at the water, one thing he did not have to worry about again was her swimming out there alone, or the thought that maybe she would swim out and never return. Each day, he was certain he witnessed more strength in her than the day before. Not so slowly, she was indeed beginning to live again, beginning to walk with God.

  “Where will you go now?”

  “To my aunt’s house. I sold my condo.” He laughed a sort of sarcastic laugh, admitting, “Funny, at the end of things, you realize things really do mean little. All the junk I had accumulated over the years, I just gave it away. Why sell it? What would I use the money for?” He turned to face her. “The end is simpler than I thought it would be.”

  “How so?” Her heart was breaking for him. Was he scared at all? If so, it was not at all obvious.

  “Well, I took the summer and had the best time of my life, doing things I would never normally do. I rested, painted, watched the sun come up every morning, had coffee with you, and went barefoot when I could.”

  She laughed and bumped into his shoulder. “I wondered why you showed up barefoot.”

  Grinning, he asked, “You noticed that, huh?”

  “I did.”

  “I was driving down the road and my shoes felt uncomfortable, restrictive. So I leaned down while I was driving, pulled them off and threw them in the back seat. I have hardly worn any since.”

  “I have noticed. You did to dinner that night. You are wearing them now.”

  “Special occasions.”

  “Both very special occasions.” She thought of how handsome he looked that night, which brought Vanessa to mind. “Vanessa, she broke it off with you and you are dying?” It was not necessarily an accusation, but the timing caused her to speculate.

  “We had only been seeing each other for three months when I was diagnosed, and even those three months were not the greatest. At that point, in her position, can you imagine breaking it off right away? As for me, I was confused and a bit scared then. It was simply easier to keep things as they were. I don’t blame her at all. If she would have really loved me, she would have wanted to be with me, no matter what was ahead. Same with me.” Considering the implications, he admitted, “If we had stayed together, I would have never met you.”

  “That’s true. I am glad she dumped you.”

  “She didn’t exactly dump me.”

  “Oh, you got dumped.” Laughing, she added, “And I really am glad you did.” Wondering if he had any idea what his entry into her life meant, she asked, “Do you realize what you have meant in my life?”

  “Honestly, yes. I see something happening in you, and I know God brought me here to help that begin. He will finish it, but He allowed me the privilege of the beginning. You know, I was thinking about this the other day, I have felt more purpose in my life this summer with you than I have in my entire life combined.”

  Taken back by such an admission, she could think of no reply. Finally, after a moment of silence, she admitted, “I don’t know that I ever have felt that, well, maybe when I had Michael. But since then, I haven’t. So for your sake, what a gift.”

  “That is exactly what I was thinking. It has been a gift. I’m not saying my only purpose on earth was you, but my final one was.” He looked up and asked, “Wanna play “Would You Rather”?”

  “Sure.”

  “Would you rather have a short life with great purpose, or a long life with little purpose?”

  “Short life, no doubt.”

  “Me too. Maybe that is why I am okay with the end.”

  “Will you be waiting for me?”

  “You bet.”

  “Are you scared at all?”

  “Maybe of the pain, but not of dying.”

  Thinking for a minute, she asked, “Chris?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Can you stay longer? Have you ever seen the fall colors here at the lake?”

  “Yes and never.”

  10

  There were good days and bad days. For the most part, the good days were more prevalent. As anticipated, the fall colors were spectacular, a masterpiece by the Master, so Chris spent as much time outdoors as possible. Though he tried to capture the radiance of the oranges, reds, and gold, he realized no manmade paint could ever accomplish such a task. The intensity of color, the variation of hues, only God could create such vividness. He sat day after day trying to grasp a small piece of His brilliance, but failed.

  “That is your best one yet.” Robin had been watching him from the kitchen window. The wind was whipping in off the lake, causing him to grab for his canvas many times. Still he painted. “I think it is spectacular.”

  “I wouldn’t say spectacular.”

  “Marvelous?”

  “I can live with marvelous.” When she handed him his coffee, he thanked her and took a sip, admitting, “I should probably go in now.”

  “You have been out for a long time. Are you hurting?” She and Emma watched over him like mother hens. Emma was even worse than her.

  “Yes. And feeling a bit sick.”

  “Let me help you gather your things.” She did so.

  “Just lay them down on the dock for now.” He placed the canvas on the dock, wet paint side up, hoping the wind would not catch it again as it had several times already that morning.

  “Can we just sit for a minute and drink our Joe?”

  “Sure we can.” Taking his cup, she waited until he was seated and handed it back to him. His coordination was failing, and she tried to help when she could, always mindful though to allow him his dignity and independence. He was not a child, and she forced herself not to treat him as such. Early on, after learning of his illness, she was much too worried, hen-pecky even. Once, he called her on it, and when he did, she swore off mothering him and, so far, had kept her oath. She helped him as needed, allowed him space when needed, and remained available for whatever he might require.

  Sitting beside him, she asked, “How many times will you paint this view?”

  “Until I get it right.”

  “You must see something I don’t. It looks right to me.”

  “I see something with my heart that I can’t see with my eyes. That is what I am trying to capture.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know; there is a feeling I get here that I want to be able to take away with me.”

  “Take away?”

  He looked at her, and when he did he sighed deeply. Early in the summer, he was attracted. Mid-way through, he was smitten, at the end, captivated and completely hers. So by the time fall arrived, he was so helplessly in love with Robin that he felt as if she were a part of him, as if she always had been. Maybe that was the feeling he wanted to capture, his love for her. It was the purest love he had ever known. There was nothing physical between them, nor would there ever be. That was the simplicity of loving her. Nothing more was necessary. It was the love of a lifetime, and that was all that was needed. There in his final months, he found his very own love story. She was an astonishing last gift.

  Finding it nearly impossible to say the words, he finally forced them, blurting out, “It’s time for me to go back to Boston.”

  “Oh.” She looked away, out across the lake. Her eyes were stinging, so she blinked rapidly to clear the tears.

  He watched her
intently, sensing she was about to cry. “Don’t be hurt.”

  Prepared to say she was not hurt, she decided not to. It would be a lie. He had become such a vital part of her life, it did hurt, or maybe it scared her, to consider letting him go. From June through October, he was part of her every day. Suddenly, he would leave and that would be that.

  “I need you to understand. I have some good-byes there, too. It has nothing to do with wanting to leave you. Honestly, I have put if off for far too long.”

  “Are you going to your aunt’s?”

  “Yes.” He paused a moment. “I called my mom. She will be coming to stay for a while.”

  “That’s a good thing.”

  “Being here with you…and Emma. . . have been God’s great gift to me. These past months, reading together, studying together, and just watching you grow with the Lord, Robin, I am humbled and grateful to have been a part of that. But they need me, too.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?”

  “For being so selfish.”

  Chuckling, he said, “You are anything but selfish. The way you have taken care of me when…” He didn’t have to finish. She had helped him more than he wanted. When he had been his sickest, she was right there with him. “You are like an angel.”

  She giggled. “An angel, really?”

  By her tone, he knew she knew she was mocking him. “Pretty corny?”

  “Pretty corny. I like corny sometimes though.”

  “How ‘bout now?”

  “Yeah.” She reached for his hand. The moment was so strikingly similar to the evening he told her of his illness, it was slightly disturbing. In the brief time she had known him, she had come to love him deeply. Emma had asked her if she was in love with him, and the honest answer was no. But she loved him with the same intensity she loved her family and Emma. It was simple love. He was the least complicated thing in her life. And she liked that.

  “I will drive you back.” He had had one seizure, and from that point on, was no longer allowed to drive. At the emergency room, he was warned it could happen at any time. “I will call Tommy. I can drive your car, and he can bring me back.”

  While he began to protest, not wanting to put her out, he decided against it. Instead, he would be grateful for any time he had left with her. Deciding to go back to Boston was one of the most difficult decisions of his life. With every fiber of his being, he wanted to stay with her. But for her sake, he was leaving. Lately, there was a sense the downhill slide was approaching. He felt it deep in his spirit, as if the Lord was giving him fair warning. The end would be the very worst of him, something from which he wanted to spare her.

  After that day, Chris remained only two days more, while packing up and preparing his heart to leave her. Having noticed how quiet she was about his departure, he realized she was hurting because of it. He was certain she loved him, though he was just as certain her love differed from his. And that was okay. In truth, if her love reflected his own, then his death would be much more painful for her. God spared her that, and he was grateful.

  The morning they loaded his car, it was raining. How befitting it seemed. By the time they reached the highway, the rain cleared out, and the sun rose high and bright overhead. The mood in the car changed with the weather. All the way, they laughed and reminisced about the summer. It seemed as if they had known each other for years and years; like family. As a family on the way home from a vacation might do, they listed the highlights and mentioned even the worst moments of their time together. The two-hour trip sped by in what seemed like minutes, much too quickly for either of them.

  Once in Boston, he invited her in, and though she planned to spend more time with him, Tommy arrived much earlier than expected. Not wanting to keep him waiting, as she knew he was busy with school and work, she left after less than another hour with Chris.

  Leaving him was more heartrending than she prepared herself for. When he walked with her to the car, before she climbed in, he pulled her to him and held her for several minutes. He was crying, which made her cry. Neither said a word in all that time, they just sobbed and held on, knowing this was possibly the last time they would see each other on this side of heaven. Finally, when he pulled himself away, he kissed her on the cheek, turned unexpectedly, and went back into the house. Intentionally, he did not turn back to look at her. She waited, but he never did. As if ripping away a bandage rather than pulling it slowly, he left her standing there, dazed and longing for more of him. When he closed the door, she sat down heavily in the passenger seat. Bewildered that he would leave her so abruptly, she knew his intent was in protecting both of their hearts. He did not want to let her go any more than she did him. While it would be excruciatingly painful either way, he obviously believed the rip and run approach to be his only option. Without question, he loved her.

  For the first half of the trip back, she quietly reflected on her time with his Aunt Tina. Surprised by how young she was, only ten years older, she was a mere twenty-five when she took Chris in to live with her. What an unusually selfless act for someone of that age. She was not married at the time, but she loved him and his mother enough to give up her freedom to become the parent of a teenager. On the drive back to Boston, he told her stories of how difficult he was to deal with during those days, leading Robin to believe that Tina must have regretted her decision early on. But eventually, they both began going to church, and something happened to Chris that truly changed him at an early age.

  Having described him as young as eighteen, Tina said he was the godliest man she had ever known, even that early. Robin was not at all surprised, as he was the godliest man she had ever known, too. With ease, he found a place in her heart that would always be held for him. He was the first time she truly saw God. Thinking back to how he walked away, the bandage analogy, she smiled to herself. He was God’s bandage in her life. Though unaware herself, she was hemorrhaging on the inside. God knew, and He sent Chris to help her begin to heal.

  When Chris said God sent him to help her, at the time, she was distraught and could in no way process the implications of his revelation, but later, his words permeated her heart and her mind. The realization that God actually hand-picked a man such as Chris to bring comfort to her, proved His love for her, His active “I’m in the middle of your business” kind of love. The stitches in the veil began to unravel the very moment of that revelation.

  Still, there was a journey ahead, but one she looked forward to with much less trepidation. The few times while reading her Bible, when she actually felt God was speaking to her intimately and personally, caused an intense longing for more. From those times on, she opened His Word with great anticipation and excitement. She not only read; she studied and poured over the Scriptures, watching for Him at every turn.

  They had left Boston an hour before, and already, they were stopping for gas. Tommy was pumping while she sat lost in thought, wondering how things were going with Chris and Tina. She speculated when his mother would come. Her prayer was that she would come. “Please, Lord, give her enough presence of mind to see her son.” From what Tina suggested, it was not at all likely.

  “We’re set. Sorry, I should have filled up before picking you up.”

  “Don’t worry about it.” Tommy had been unusually quiet, out of character for him since getting to know him better. He mentioned Becky a few times, but when he did, it was cryptic. As far as she knew, things were still going well with them, since Becky called occasionally with an update on life. Strangely, they were immediately like family, so the assumption for them all was that they would both work the summer again.

  “Anything you want to talk about?” The question popped out before she thought better of it.

  “What? Has Becky said something?” He knew they talked and had often wondered if she told Robin things were not going so well between them.

  “No, nothing. You just seem quiet. I’m not picking you for information or anything.”

  He
drove in silence for a minute more before admitting, “I think we are having problems.”

  “You think?”

  “She’s pulling away. I can feel it.”

  “I’m sorry, Tommy.” She was, and she was surprised too. When Becky called, she acted as if Tommy was the love of her life. Robin anticipated marriage someday.

  “Why do you think she is pulling away?”

  Shaking his head, he sighed. “I don’t know if pulling away is the right way to describe it, but there is something going on. When we are together, she acts standoffish. There is some hesitation I don’t understand.” Scratching his head, he went on. “I wonder if she thinks about that guy.”

  Uh oh, she thought. Why did she ask if he wanted to talk?

  “Not this summer of course, but last year, they…um, they were together. You know?”

  Fearing he might be fishing to see if she knew anything, she sat paralyzed. She was Switzerland, neutral as neutral could be. She did not nod; she did not move her head just in case it appeared to be a nod. Her suspicions about Becky and Brad were confirmed, but she had no intention of discussing it.

  When she did not respond, he continued, “Anyway, what if she wants to be with him? She says she regrets it. At least she was honest about it. Actually, she was more than honest; she’s real broken up about it. I think she’s pretty ashamed.”

  He did not take a breath, instead, he kept on and on with his observations for nearly the last hour of the trip. Robin simply let him talk. By the time they reached the inn, he had talked himself out of breaking things off with her before she could do it first. His rambling was sweet and crazy and as full of love as she had seen a young man in many years.

  At the thought of silly love, Mike’s image danced through her mind. It was a moment she had not thought of in many years, a memory she thought had long since faded; one she cupped in her hands and peered into. It was sweet and brought her back to the day he asked her to marry him. He rambled on and on about how he would take care of her somehow and how cops did not make much money, but he could hunt if he had to. At the memory of him suggesting he would hunt their food, she smiled. It was young, sweet love, just like Tommy and Becky were experiencing. The remainder of the drive, even while Tommy listed every pro and con of his relationship with Becky, she found herself wading in puddles and reflections of the early days, times when life held a promise more so than pain. Her heart was filled with “if onlys,” and she wished more than anything she could go back and live that life differently.