Knockdown

by Brenda Beem

He dried his hands. “The noodles weren’t so bad.”

  I giggled.

  He grinned.

  My heart ached. I did love my brother. “Are you going to be all right?”

  He shrugged.

  I hurt beyond anything I could imagine, missing Cole, and he wasn’t my twin.

  I carried my dirty dish to the sink. “When Zoë made me get out of bed today, she reminded me that we brought this group out here. We owe it to them to try to get them someplace safe.”

  Dylan shook his head. “We don’t owe them…”

  “But she’s right, Dylan. You and I were out of it for a couple of days. They had problems with the boat.”

  “What! You got drunk too?” Dylan leapt to his feet.

  I motioned for him to calm down. “No, but I stayed in bed, mostly sleeping, for two days. The crew didn’t know what to do. The sails got messed up.”

  “Too freakin’ bad.” Dylan sat back down.

  “You don’t get it. No matter how terrible we feel, we have to get them someplace safe.”

  Dylan stared at me. “Since when do you quote Zoë? I thought you hated her?”

  “I’ve never hated…” I carried the pot over to the counter. “Well, okay. She annoys me sometimes, but she really loves you. She came out here for you.” I dropped the plate in the pan of noodle water. “We have to get her and the rest of them to safety. And then find the rest of our family.”

  “Oh. God. I can’t face Dad. I can’t even face myself in the mirror.”

  I cringed. I hadn’t thought how hard it would be to look in the mirror and see your brother’s face.

  I moved across the cabin and hugged Dylan. “Promise me you’ll at least try to get along? Make an effort to work with everyone.”

  He didn’t hug me back. I stepped away.

  Dylan scowled. “How bad was I?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I was drunk, but I remember some of the things I said and did. I’m sure everyone hates me.”

  I moved back to the galley. “You were a big jerk. But you just lost your brother and everyone will forgive you. At least if you try to make amends. No more alcohol. And Cole’s death was an accident. The tsunamis’ fault.”

  I scraped the sauce pan into the garbage.

  Dylan spoke quietly. “I should have made him go back to bed. I knew he wasn’t well. But he wanted to talk. We planned the rest of the trip. We talked about where we thought Mom and Dad might be and how they were traveling. I don’t know. It felt normal. You know. Just Cole and me.”

  I added soap and gin to the salt water I’d boiled the noodles in. “Okay. Maybe you should have tried to get Cole to go back to bed. But being with you was what he wanted to do. Makala and Boots are not allowed to go up top alone, but they did. If Cole had been healthy, he wouldn’t have died in the water. The real reason he’s gone is the tsunami.”

  Dylan sighed. “Just tell me what you want me to do.”

  “I want you to tell the group you’re sorry and that you won’t drink anymore.”

  “Fine.”

  “Good.” I stared at him.

  “I said fine.”

  I began to wash the dishes. “That’s settled, then. Let’s get some warm clothes and go up top.”

  We sat in silence on the starboard side of the cabin, watching the fire on shore grow. The clouds seemed even thicker and darker. I missed the stars. I missed Mom and Dad. I missed Cole.

  From the shore we heard a deep baritone singing. One by one, the others joined Nick. I listened and soon recognized the simple song.

  “Row, row, row your boat…”

  They were singing camping songs for Makala. I mouthed the words along with them. Long shadows bounced around the fire. Some of them were dancing. I pictured Takumi holding Angelina in his arms. How had life gotten so messed up?

  Then the singing stopped.

  Jervis bellowed, “What was that?”

  Makala shrieked, “Sissy!”

  Takumi yelled, “Everyone in the raft. Grab the water.”

  The flashlights swung crazily.

  “What’s going on? What’s wrong?” I leaned on the rail and shouted across the water.

  “Oh God, they’re everywhere,” Zoë cried.

  Dylan went below to get the gun. The splash of oars soon approached the boat.

  “What happened?” I counted. They were all there.

  “My skin crawls.” Zoë shivered.

  “Anyone get bitten?” Takumi glanced around the life raft.

  “Bitten? Were you attacked by raccoons?” I asked.

  “Raccoons?” Takumi frowned. “What raccoons?”

  “What attacked you?” I gritted my teeth.

  “Mice,” Takumi said.

  “No. No. They were huge. Rats.” Zoë showed me with her hands how big they’d been.

  Dylan took the gun back down to the cabin.

  We tied the raft off the stern. The shore party began talking at once. They’d been by the fire, singing, and roasting marshmallows when they felt something running around their feet. Soon they could see mice on the logs and then the tiny critters started climbing up their legs and on their backs.

  Zoë scampered her fingers up my arm, imitating a mouse. “That’s what it felt like.”

  I slapped her hand away and turned to Angelina and Makala. “You guys okay?”

  “Yeah. Just creeped out,” Angelina said.

  “At least we brought back some boiled water.” Nick lifted a large stock pot out of the dinghy and rested it on the stern.

  Dylan picked up the pot and started toward the cabin.

  I glanced down. “Dylan, wait.”

  “What?” He scowled at me.

  “Look!”

  He leaned over the water. Floating on the surface were two tiny dead mice.

  “Poor mouses,” Makala whimpered.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Land, Six Days to Go

  Those who’d gone ashore talked on and on about how great the water they’d boiled and drank around the fire had been. I kept eyeing the last can of soda.

  Makala climbed on Jervis’ lap. “I pretended my hot water was cocoa. Sissy said she was drinking a Starbucks mocha. Jervis had a Irish coffee, even though he’s not Irish.” Makala giggled at her joke and asked Angelina, “What’s a Irish?”

  Jervis and Angelina chuckled. I was happy they’d made up.

  Thirst won me over. I opened the soda and began to drink. The bubbles burned my throat. My body cried, ‘more, more.’ Everyone stopped what they were doing and watched me.

  “What?” I held the can. “I haven’t had anything to drink all day and you had a water party.”

  Makala pouted. “But we just pretended it tasted good.”

  I sighed and handed her the soda. She took a sip, glanced at her sister’s unhappy face and spit what she’d taken into her mouth back into the can.

  “No!” I lunged across the boat, trying to get to the can before the spit did. Makala squealed, threw the soda in the air, and crouched on the seat. The Coke flew and landed on the cabin floor. Sweet, dark liquid poured onto the teak.

  Zoë made a face and bent to pick it up off the floor. “You still want this?” She wrinkled her nose and shook it. There was a little left.

  I took a sip. It tasted fine and I finished off the can.

  Makala sniffed.

  I knelt in front of her. “It’s okay. I had plenty. In the morning we can go back and get lots of water.”

  She poked her thumb into her mouth and snuggled against Jervis. I found a dirty towel and cleaned up the spill. Takumi straightened his bed. Angelina left and came back with pajamas for Makala. Nick tidied the galley.

  The bathroom door slid open. Dylan stood in the doorway, toothbrush in hand. The group continued what they were doing, but became silent. Mom would have said he was the elephant in the room. Dylan’s head hung low as he walked to the desk and studied a chart he’d spread out. I gave him a nudge.

&n
bsp; “What?”

  I raised my eyebrows.

  He took a deep breath and cleared his throat.

  Everyone faced him.

  “I owe you all an apology. I did and said things…” His head dropped.

  For a long while no one spoke. My eyes started to water.

  Jervis handed Makala to Angelina and stepped forward with his hand out. “Hey, man, we’re cool. We miss Cole, too.”

  Nick, Angelina, and Zoë stared at the floor.

  “Sorry about your brother.” Takumi shook Dylan’s hand.

  Nick finally stood. “Cole was the best.” He looked away, and then back at Dylan. “I’ve known you forever, dude. You’ve never been a nice drunk, but this time you were over the top. What are we supposed to do next time you go on a binge?”

  Dylan glanced at me. “I promised I wouldn’t drink like that again.”

  Nick thought for a moment. “We’re good, then.” He guy-hugged Dylan.

  Dylan draped his arm around me. I could feel him shaking inside. This was hard for him.

  I found his coat. “Dylan and I will go up top and check everything out. How cool is it we’re tied up in completely calm waters? We don’t have to do shifts tonight.”

  Dylan hurried up the steps. I waited a few moments, put on my coat, and grabbed a blanket.

  Zoë snatched the blanket out of my hands. “I want to talk to Dylan.”

  “He needs some time alone,” I whispered.

  “Too bad!” She spun and climbed topside.

  Takumi was watching me and my face grew hot. I flipped through the chart book and worried I’d hear Dylan and Zoë fighting. I considered it a good sign when I didn’t.

  Makala and Boots headed to bed. Angelina paused by the chart table and laid her hand on my shoulder. “I don’t want to be hard on Dylan, but I’ve heard this kind of promise before.”

  “Dylan will keep his.”

  Angelina squeezed my arm, and then followed her sister. I glanced at Takumi.

  He nodded at me.

  I hoped I was right about Dylan. Cole was always the one who could get through to him.

  Angelina told the story of the three little pigs with Makala’s help. Nick and Takumi climbed into bed and held flashlights up to books. Jervis lay on the floor, listening to Angelina.

  I was about to head to bed when the hatch opened and Dylan and Zoë started down.

  “Too cold up there. I’ll put the boards in and lock up,” Dylan said.

  Zoë wove through and around Jervis, to the v-berth. I couldn’t tell if she and Dylan had worked things out or not.

  I glimpsed at the time on the wall clock. It was four in the morning. Time didn’t matter anymore. We slept when we could and ate when there was food. I joined the girls and listened to the end of Angelina’s story. I was exhausted. But when I closed my eyes, I saw Cole dive into the water. I imagined all the ways I could have stopped him. But with every version, Makala died.

  I tried to picture the good times we’d had. My brother’s last birthday party… Christmas... summer vacations. It only made me miss him more.

  Sleep, the escape I wanted, wouldn’t come. I left the cabin as soon as it was light outside. Nick, Jervis, and Takumi were not in their beds. The dinghy was gone too. I waited in the main cabin, disappointed they’d left without me. On top of it all I was really, really thirsty.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Six Days to Go, Gathering Supplies

  I sat on top of the deck with a coat and a blanket around me. It was cold. It seemed like every day was almost twice as chilly as the day before. As I did most mornings, I checked my cell. Same result. No service. We only had six days before we were supposed to meet up with our family. What if cell service was still out? What if they made it to the island, but we weren’t there. And when we did meet up, how could we tell them that Cole was gone? I imagined the look on Mom’s face and wiped my eyes.

  Before long the guys returned. I was glad for the company. I’d been wrong. Being alone wasn’t what I needed.

  They were excited about a large canister of natural gas they’d found.

  “We took this off the yacht we found the dinghy on.” Takumi patted the canister. Then he held up a large plastic barrel full of water. “Figured we’d need some this morning. But don’t drink it until it’s boiled.” He handed me the pot the mice had been floating in.

  I didn’t even ask if they’d washed it out. I just poured some of the water into the tea kettle and turned on the stove. Just when the water began to steam, the gas flame died.

  I climbed up the stairs. “Good timing, guys. The stove’s out of gas. Will you change over the canisters?”

  Takumi opened the gas storage locker. “Damn. The can we found is too big. It won’t fit.”

  “What size is the top connector?” Nick asked.

  I left them to figure it out and went below where it was warmer.

  Jervis followed me. “Look what I found.” He smiled and held up an enormous jacket. It was bright yellow with reflective tape, the kind road workers wear. He put it on and modeled for me. I was happy for him. He’d found a warm coat that fit.

  Boots whined and I hurried to the bedroom to grab him before he woke the girls. Angelina mouthed, “Thanks.” Makala rolled over, pulling the blanket over her head. I cradled the dog in my arms and closed the door.

  Jervis still had on his yellow coat, so I handed Boots to him. He made a face, but took the dog up top.

  “Try the stove now,” Nick yelled down to me.

  I turned on the burner. It flamed to life. I gave the guys a thumbs-up.

  Takumi joined me in the kitchen. “There’re a couple of fishing boats on shore we plan to check out. Want to come?”

  I wanted off the boat more than anything, but first I had to have something to drink. “Can you wait until I get some water boiled?”

  Takumi smiled. One by one the rest of the crew woke up. Zoë and I made cups of tea. I made mine to go. She took hers back to bed.

  The dinghy was amazing. It was big, with rounded sides that rode the waves well. Takumi, Jervis, Nick, and I had lots of room and I didn’t get wet at all.

  After so many days at sea, it was strange to be back on land. I continued to feel the rocking motion of the boat. I grabbed Takumi to steady myself.

  From shore, I checked Whistler out. The piling we tied up to had been part of a marina. The area around it seemed empty and safe. I couldn’t see the dents from so far away and the boat looked pretty good.

  On the beach, muddy rubble lay all around. Pieces of roofs, buildings, cars, and boats were stacked together in some areas. In other places, there was nothing but mud. The cold night had started to freeze the ground and that made it all the more slippery.

  “Jervis and I will get the beach fire going and boil as much water as we can.” Nick hefted a huge crab cooking pot on his shoulder. “Yell if you need help.”

  Takumi and I climbed over debris towards two big fishing charter boats. One sat perfectly upright, the other on its side. The cabin was crushed. My foot slid on a piece of mud-covered wood and I started to fall.

  Takumi caught me mid-air.

  Just like Cole would have done.

  I froze. My heart raced. I couldn’t breathe. “Put me down.”

  Takumi lowered me to my feet. “What’s wrong?”

  I shook my head and collapsed on an upside down bathtub. After a while my breathing steadied.

  “What just happened?” he asked.

  I closed my eyes. “Sometimes you remind me of Cole. And it’s…it’s hard.”

  “What? Toni, look at me.”

  I opened my eyes.

  “I’m not your brother.”

  “I know that.” I kicked a clod of mud. “But Cole was always the one who picked me up and protected me. You…”

  Takumi scooted close to me. “You will drive yourself crazy with these kinds of thoughts. There are going to be hundreds of things every day that remind you of your brother
. You can’t push away everyone who does something that Cole might have done.”

  He was right, but I couldn’t stop hurting.

  Takumi studied the bay. “Maybe we should have some kind of service for Cole. You know, a memorial where you get a chance to say goodbye.”

  “I don’t want to say goodbye.” I frowned.

  “I know, but maybe it would help you move on.” Takumi stood and reached out to me. His fingers hung in the air, waiting. I had to stretch to clasp his hand. When his fingers closed over mine, a tingle ran up my spine. A spark jump-started my heart. He pulled me up and into his arms. I raised my face. His lips brushed mine. He didn’t remind me of my brother at all.

  We held hands as we headed toward the fishing boats Takumi had pointed to earlier. It wasn’t an easy walk. We had to step carefully. The top layers of the mud had frozen on all the wreckage. A place that appeared solid would crack and cave in as soon as we stepped on it. After a while, I quit seeing the broken buildings, smashed cars, and scattered appliances. I focused on the next step and then the one after that.

  Takumi and I pulled ourselves up onto the fishing boat. It was wedged in tight between a broken dock and a smashed trailer house. The windows in the port side of the cabin were gone. Mud and water had flowed through the berths, galley, and bathroom.

  “Yuck.” I scrunched my nose as I entered the kitchen area. In a drawer, I discovered sealed packages of coffee and tea bags. They’d been wet, but might be usable, at least until they molded. The spices over the stove were covered in mud. I stashed the coffee and tea into my pack.

  Takumi pulled up a cushion. “Look what I found.”

  I peered down. Protected by the fiberglass bench, three cases of bottled water lay at the bottom. “Why would someone leave water?”

  Takumi pulled out the first case. “They probably headed to the mountains. There are lots of streams and lakes up there. These are heavy to carry and in the mountains they wouldn’t need bottled water.” Takumi smiled. “Good for us.”

  I opened cupboard after cupboard, hoping for another find. But there were no cans of food. Not even one can of stew. The first aid kit was gone too.

  In the bathroom I managed to find of a tube of opened toothpaste, seasick pills, and soap that had been left sealed in a plastic sandwich bag. The toilet paper was a muddy, soggy mess. I made a face.