Changing Leaves

by Edie Bryant

  Fuck.

  I wasn’t lying to her when I said I’d never felt love like the love I had for her. And what if I never did? What if the whole soul mate thing was real and I had just lost mine?

  No, okay, no. I wasn’t going to do that. I wouldn’t let this happen. Maybe it sounded pushy, and maybe I shouldn’t, but I was going to fucking fight for her.

  I let her slip away once. I ruined both of our lives once. And I was going to do anything I could to correct it. I’d do anything to make her fall for me once again.

  This thought was the only thing that comforted me and took the edge of anxiety off a little bit. I was going to get her back, if it was the last thing I did. If I had to spend the next ten years doing anything I could to win back her trust.

  And it wasn’t just her. I was going to change everything around. I was going to be a better person. I was going to gain back my parents’ trust and closeness as well.

  From this day forward, I was a new woman. A woman who did not run away from intimacy but instead ran to it. Who built strong bonds with her family and friends and lovers.

  No, not lovers, I didn’t want lovers. I wanted one lover. I wanted one woman. I wasn’t going to date anyone else but Gina. Not as long as I lived.

  Okay, that sounded really fucking desperate, but I had no reason to be a desperate person. I was not bad looking, I’d never had trouble finding dates with other women. I made decent money. I didn’t want to be with Gina out of desperation.

  I wanted to be with her because today, I was reminded of everything I’d lost. For the first time in a long time, I remembered what it felt like to be in the presence of someone you truly cared about. Someone who, at least at one point, knew everything about you.

  I was such a fucking idiot to let that go. When I was a kid, I didn’t know how good I had it. I never went out and tried to date, I never realized how hard it would be to find another girl like Gina. I didn’t know how special of a bond we had.

  Honestly, even up until now, I think I minimized that bond to make myself feel better. I tried to tell myself to move on because I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing Gina again and having to go through what we just did. Reliving all the pain of our past…

  And it was about as painful as I imagined it was going to be. But fuck it, it was worth it. Just to see her again, it was worth it. I couldn't believe I never reached out before this. I couldn’t believe I kept myself away this long…

  Never again. I would never again be apart from her like this.

  5

  Gina

  I felt empty as soon as Jess left.

  It immediately felt like the wrong thing to do, asking her to leave. It wasn’t what I really wanted. I wanted to get to the bottom of our past as much as Jess appeared to…

  But it hurt so bad. Usually, when I reflected on Jess, I polarized her. She was either the best thing that ever happened to me, my sweet best friend who helped me through everything, or the monster that left me in the dark. The asshole who walked away from me and never looked back.

  Today, though, I couldn’t polarize her. Because sitting in front of me on my couch, Jess was just… a person. A person who had been great to me, who had done amazing things to me, and also a person who made some pretty shitty decisions and broke my heart.

  It was like I was hating her and loving her at the same time.

  I wasn’t sure what I wanted. The smart thing to do here was to leave her behind. The same way she left me behind.

  And I didn’t mean that out of spite, either. I guess I was a little resentful. But even with those emotions set aside, being with her just wasn’t the smartest thing for me.

  She really could run away again. It was bad enough when we were kids, but now? As an adult? It would tear me up inside to fall in love with her again and be abandoned. Being in an adult relationship, we’d form a way stronger bond than when we were kids and trying to suppress our romantic attraction toward one another.

  Still, it was hard to keep myself from fantasizing about what it would be like to be with her.

  All these years, I thought she never had those feelings for me. I believed she was being a coward and running away from me entirely because my emotions had scared her. Which, I guess, in a way, they had.

  But I never imagined what actually scared her was the emotional intensity she also felt for me. I knew she had kissed me too, cuddled with me too, but I convinced myself that was just the alcohol. Not because she genuinely felt romantic for me.

  So the idea that she did have these feelings for me sparked something new within me. Among my resentments and frustration, I had myself thinking about what it would be like to actually be with her. To have the relationship I dreamed of since I was a kid.

  I was stupid, I knew I was. The girl broke my heart. I had no reason to suspect she wouldn’t again when things got hard. And it'd been so many years! I barely knew her now.

  But I wanted to get to know her all over again.

  It was so hard to close the door on her and never look back. She was still so special to me. No other woman had ever compared to her. How could I step away and ignore that?

  I was in my mid-twenties now. I had a decent job and my own house, and I wanted to settle down. But I’d never met a woman that felt worth settling down with.

  I guess that wasn’t true. I’d dated plenty of good people that were certainly worth it. Plenty of women that I should have been madly in love with, who were perfect for me on paper. But I never felt the chemistry with them that I felt with Jess.

  I didn’t know if I ever would feel that again with anyone. That was the scariest part. That was the part that made it so hard to walk away from her forever.

  What if it all could work out? We could be together, and she could stay with me without wanting to run away? And all that intimacy we once had… Could we have it back?

  I knew the answer to that last question. We absolutely could. Because just having her around me, I felt the pangs of my love for her once again. Even though I knew nearly nothing about her anymore. Not her job, not her lifestyle, not anything about her past… She was a stranger to me.

  A stranger I was completely and magnetically drawn to. There was something about her that I never could resist. And I didn’t think I’d ever be able to.

  Still, I couldn’t think only with my heart on this. Making decisions based off my feelings was what got me into this predicament in the first place. I had to be logical about this.

  All right, I definitely couldn’t deny her if she really came after me again, I knew that. I knew my limitations and I would absolutely cave if this was something she tried to pursue.

  But there was no way in hell that I was pursuing her. I couldn’t do that to myself, it’d be too pathetic. And it was very likely that she never would pursue this again.

  In my heart, I truly believed that when I sent her out that door I was never going to see her again. There simply was no way that after years of never seeking me out, she was going to start coming after me, all because I happened to have found her cat.

  And I couldn’t lie, the thought that she was gone forever was still breaking my heart. But it had been one visit, just one reminder of the person I once had. I wasn’t going to let this sadness consume me. Not this time.

  I laid down on my couch where Jess had just laid and heard a familiar meow come from underneath me.

  “Hey, girl,” I whispered softly.

  I was surprised Callie walked up to me. Normally, she followed me around everywhere, but since I had Lyla in the house, she had been ignoring me completely. I was pretty sure she was pissed I’d bought another cat into the house and that was her subtle revenge.

  She jumped up onto the couch and laid on my back, purring loudly as she nudged my neck. This was more like her usual personality. No doubt this was her way of thanking me for getting that strange kitten out of her house.

  “Don’t worry, you’re never going to see her again,” I said softly. “Just like
I’m never going to see Jess.”

  I sighed and grabbed the remote control to turn on the television, though I had no desire to watch anything. It was my way of forcing a distraction on myself. I had to think of something else besides Jess. I was going to be stronger than this.

  I flipped through the channels until I found a nature documentary that seemed marginally interesting. I didn’t end up watching much of it, though. No matter how long I tried to fix my eyes on the screen, I couldn't focus. Not with thoughts of Jess still swirling around in my head.

  As angry as I was, a part of me also understood where Jess was coming from. As easy as it was to hate her for leaving me, we were just children. She was a scared kid who made a selfish decision.

  But I was also a scared kid who made a selfish decision. The decision to go after her despite knowing what it would do to our friendship. Telling someone how you felt wasn’t necessarily wrong or anything. But it was selfish if you thought it was going to make the other person uncomfortable.

  I did it because I thought I could cope with losing her as a friend. I expected that it was a matter of time anyway, since so few friends make it into adulthood.

  I wasn’t at all ready to cope, though. I didn’t think anything ever hurt me more. I didn’t know if I entirely blamed her, though.

  Which was weird because I obviously was very angry at her. Mostly though, my anger was a defense mechanism. First of all, it kept me from being too sad about all that’d happened and all the time that’d been lost. And second, it forced me to put distance between us instead of falling into some kind of friendship with her again.

  That much I knew I absolutely wouldn’t do. I wouldn’t be her friend again. I’d forgive her, I’d get the closure I needed to successfully move on, but I would not subject myself to the torture of her friendship.

  Not that she was a bad friend, she absolutely wasn’t. She’d always been good to me. But being friends with her growing up was hard for me. I was always shoving down the romantic feelings that desperately wanted to confess to her.

  And I already knew, that was how it’d be again. I’d fall back in love with her. Based on how I felt today, there was no way I couldn’t.

  The only way I’d reignite something with her was if she wanted to seek out a relationship with me. Which, based on what she said, it seemed that she wanted to. In that case, I might allow her to prove herself to me.

  She’d really have to prove it, though. She was the one who had to earn my trust back. If I was going to risk getting hurt again, I wasn’t going to be the one to sacrifice for this relationship. That was on her. At least, in the beginning. Obviously if it worked out, I’d do whatever I could to make a relationship with her work.

  But that was a big if. God, I really needed to stop thinking about this. It was pointless. She wasn’t really going to try anything with me. If I meant that much to her, she would’ve tried to find me a long time ago.

  But why would she say everything she said? It didn’t seem like she was lying or anything. And what motivation would she have to lie?

  I rolled over onto my stomach, knocking Callie off of me. She didn’t care. She fell down next to me on the couch and quickly reoriented herself onto my stomach.

  The TV couldn’t distract me, but maybe Callie could. I watched her as she began to purr loudly on my chest. I ran one hand softly down the long fur on her back.

  “How perfect are you?” I asked her. “You’d never run out on me, would you?”

  She meowed contently in response.

  “Yeah, didn’t think so.”

  It was hard to get Jess out of my head, but I did my best. Until I saw her again, I wasn't going to indulge myself with baseless fantasizing. I moved on from her long ago, and I could do it again.

  Except, no, I didn’t really get over her. But I lived my life. And I could do that again, at the very least.

  6

  Jess

  I didn’t call Gina right back, despite the fact that I desperately wanted to. I couldn’t believe seeing her once was all it took to reignite my obsession for her.

  That was the only thing I could call it. A complete and total obsession. She was already, once again, my absolute everything. I found it hard to focus on anything else.

  I needed to give her time, though. Time to be less angry at me. I thought maybe she’d call me when she was ready, when her mind began to change, but that phone call never came.

  Which made me nervous. Maybe her mind wasn’t going to change. But I was still going to try.

  Especially now that I lived back in our hometown. I felt like I had nothing left to lose. I could spend the rest of my time here doing nothing but trying to find ways to focus on her.

  Which was basically all I was doing. That and spending a lot of time with my mother. Doing everything she wanted me to do, accepting the anger she had for me too.

  My father never expressed any of his anger, though he also had a right to. But no, he acted pretty much normal with me at all times. Friendly, even. I think he was pretty happy to have me home again.

  Surprisingly, I was happy to be home too. I couldn’t believe I dreaded coming back here this much. All because I didn't want to see Gina… and now all I wanted to do was see her!

  Yeah, the irony was not lost on me.

  I should have come back years ago. Even better, I should have come back the same week I left. And had I known that after I left, Gina hadn’t even realized I meant for good, I probably would have come back. We could have gone back to normal… Everything could have been absolutely fine.

  But there was no reason to focus on the past now. I had to focus on the future by telling myself there was still a chance I could win her back.

  Waiting a week for her to call was about all I could take. When she didn’t, I decided I’d make my first move.

  I wasn’t going to do it with a phone call, either. That didn’t speak to my feelings enough. I needed to make a grand gesture and I absolutely had to make it in person.

  I told my mom that I was going to be out for the evening, and though she played twenty questions with me trying to figure out where I was going, I brushed them all off. She did agree though that she wouldn’t be needing anything tonight with my father home and told me to have fun, doing whatever it was.

  To be honest, I wasn’t any good at grand romantic gestures. But I was going to do my absolute best. I first had to stop by the grocery store.

  I got her a bouquet of roses first. Then I searched the store for all the foods that used to be her favorites and hoped that some of those foods had stuck.

  I got her gummy candies, rocky road ice cream, a meat lover’s frozen pizza, and extra butter popcorn. I realized as I was in line to purchase it that it was all complete junk food and that she’d probably refined her tastes since high school.

  Even if she did though, oh well. This was still going to show her that even after all these years, I knew her favorite things. That she had always been on my mind.

  I took the groceries and the flowers directly to her house. I didn’t even bother with a text so I had no idea if she’d be there, but it was a Sunday afternoon and I couldn’t see a reason why she’d be gone.

  When I arrived, I didn’t see a car in the driveway, but I didn’t remember seeing a car the first time I came to her house either. She probably parked in the garage.

  I felt sick to my stomach as I walked up to her door. This didn’t feel like enough of a gesture to make up for all the shit I did. If she was still pissed at me, I wasn’t going to change her mind with some cheap roses and a frozen pizza.

  She might slam the door in my face. I accepted that possibility. If she did, I’d be okay with it. Because I wasn’t going to give up after one rejection. No matter what happened, I was going to pursue her for however long it took.

  After a minute, I started to worry she wasn’t home or that she’d seen me in the window and decided she wasn’t going to come to the door. Then, to my relief, she answered with
a shocked look on her face.

  “Jess… You’re here,” she said in surprise.

  “Yeah, of course. I told you I’d be back.” I tried to smile flirtatiously. “Can I come in?”

  She seemed to think about it for a moment, eyeing the roses and then the bag of groceries.

  “Depends…” she said softly. “What’s in the bag?”

  I flashed it open for her so she could see. “All of your favorite foods. I hope, at least. I guess I should say what used to be your favorite foods.”

  It was slight, but I could see a faint smile cross her lips before she turned her back to me.

  “Come in,” she said, clearly hesitant about allowing me entry.

  I walked in and set the grocery bags on the counter in her kitchen. She was reaching into a cabinet to grab a large vase. “Thank you for the flowers,” she said, far too coolly. Like she didn't want her gratification to be too obvious.

  “You’re welcome. It’s the least I can do.”

  “Do you mind if I preheat the oven?” she asked me. “I’m pretty hungry, so…”

  “Not at all.” I nodded, sitting down on her couch.

  I could still feel butterflies in my stomach, but I was considerably more at ease now that Gina hadn’t slammed the door in my face.

  “Do you want anything to drink?” she asked from the kitchen.

  “No, I’m fine,” I told her.

  “Do you mind if I have a glass of wine? I kind of feel like I need one right now.”

  “Go ahead.” I raised an eyebrow. “But why do you need one?”

  She shrugged. “Nerves, I guess.”

  I laughed. “I think I’m the one who needs to be nervous.”

  She gave me a sideways glance. “I don’t think so. I’m the one who got left in the dust. I think I’ve got more to lose.”

  That stung, but I tried not to let it show.

  She poured her wine and then sat down on the couch next to me.