“Stop. Right. There. That is totally unfair. Me putting something I need before something you want does not mean I’m not committing to us or I don’t care about you. That’s bullshit, Kyle! And you haven’t even let me think about it for two minutes.”
A door opens in my suite and my roommate pokes her head out. “What’s going on out here? Is that you yelling, Lani? Oh!” She sees Kyle and slams her door shut again. I think my roommates are a little afraid of him.
He turns away, his shoulders hunched. “You didn’t take two minutes before deciding. And now you’re mad and you’re going to run away again.” I can hardly hear him for the mumbling.
That stops me in my tracks. “I’m not running away. I’m right here.” He still won’t look at me. I can feel his anxiety and his hurt and confusion like a wave that crashes over all my irritation with him.
“Kyle, being away from you isn’t the same as leaving you.” I reach out to touch his arm and he flinches. Then his eyes come up to meet mine and they’re turbulent, stormy like the first day I met him. He drags in a deep breath, then turns and walks out my door.
Which sucks. No question. But I’m not as freaked out by him leaving like that as he would be by me leaving like that. I sink back onto my bed and try to puzzle out what just happened when everything was just becoming perfect. Are we putting too much pressure on this new thing we have? Do we create problems when there aren’t any? Why would he push for the summer when we’re finally sure of next year? But then why would I resist? I wasn’t sure of any of these answers but I knew two things for sure: that standing up for myself would sometimes mean standing up to him too. And that he’d be back.
I retreat back into my room and think of how far I’ve come since I began the year feeling like a pushover. I think of how much Kyle has helped me change. And I think of Holly and Annika warning that I couldn’t let Kyle do all the work for me. I defended him. I trust him. This sparks a confidence I’ve never felt before: in him, in us, and in myself.
“You’re not the boss of me!” I yell into my empty room.
It took six and a half hours for him to return. Six and a half hours of me alternating between fuming and stomping and cursing him out or gnawing my lip with worry. Finally I was too rattled to wait around any longer so I went to the dance studio to work off some energy. After a few hours of mindless motion I picked up some dinner to go and walked home through the darkening campus, feeling emptied out.
And then I see him, leaning against my door, head in his hands, and I warm up inside.
“Hey,” I say softly. His head raises and he studies me warily.
“I’m sorry.”
I move closer to press a palm against his cheek. “Me too.” I open the door and he follows me inside slowly.
“I shouldn’t have left.” He sounds tense, guilty, remorseful.
I shrug, throwing my keys on a table. “That doesn’t push my buttons, Kyle. I knew you would be back. I trust you.” I look him in the eye. “Do you trust me?”
He doesn’t hesitate. “Yes.”
I’m well aware that he doesn’t trust lightly. I’m well aware of how special I am to him. I take a deep breath in relief as he continues to stand almost motionless in the middle of the room, poised as if for some battle or emergency or something. I have a sudden image of what he’ll be like in a trauma room with all his coiled energy and determination focused on one thing. Like he focuses on me.
“Good,” I say evenly, hiding my emotion. “But you know what does push my buttons, right?” I lift my chin.
He swipes a hand through his hair, breaking the spell he seemed under, and starts prowling around the room. As usual, my eyes follow helplessly, drawn by his grace and strength.
“Yeah. I do. You don’t like it when people expect you to give in. When people don’t see you. Shit, Lani.” He rubs a hand over his eyes. “I fucked up. It’s just….” He stops himself, heaving a sigh. “It doesn’t matter.”
I come closer, drawn in. “It does matter if I hurt your feelings. But we’ve got now and the road trip and next year. The summer doesn’t matter in the long run. It’s just three months.”
He looks so aghast that I’m tempted to laugh. Three months without him will be no joke, but I know how important it will be for me to have things going well in my life besides him: my writing, my teaching, my dancing.
“You know I’m kind of proud of you.” His expression is wry. “For giving me shit when I deserve it.”
I do laugh then. “Hmm. I’ll remind you of that in the future, I guess. I’m sure it will come up again.”
He moves toward me, pulling me gently against him. “Yeah.” His arms close around me and he leans his forehead on mine. I breathe in his nearness, his warmth, his solidity. God, I love him so much. It’s crazy.
“I’m never going to leave you, Kyle.” I speak softly near his ear. I feel him nod and his body releases some of its tension. I know him.
“I’m always going to put you first,” he whispers back. Because he knows me too.
The car is packed. We have a tank full of gas and I have a thermos full of tea. The sun is shining and it’s a glorious day to start a road trip. All that’s left is to say goodbye to our friends. And Holly is late.
“Where is that girl?” Kyle growls, checking his phone for the fifth time. He is leaning against his car, looking impatient and delicious.
“She’ll be here.” Noah says, peering into the distance.
“We’re in no rush, Kyle. Remember? We have two weeks on the road…and all next year.” We exchange a glance and Kyle visibly relaxes.
“Ahem!” Annika clears her throat noisily. “So you two are just going to ride off into the sunrise?”
I smile and turn back to where she stands tapping a foot. “Sunset,” I say. “Not sunrise. That phrase is about endings, not beginnings. And when are you heading off?”
“In a few days. Matt is driving me down to D.C. on his way home to Connecticut.”
Noah ambles over, his hands shoved into his pockets. “You do realize that Washington D.C. is hardly on his way home from New York, right?”
She frowns. “It’s not? You told me it was!” She glares at Matt as he and Kyle move closer. Kyle slings an arm around my shoulder.
“Sure it is!” Matt says too quickly, giving Noah a hard look.
Noah raises an eyebrow. “It’s on my way home because I’m from Baltimore, not Connecticut.” He backpedals when he sees Matt’s expression. “Not that I’m offering! I’m not even driving home—and I have no interest in….uh.“ He shuts up.
Kyle and I watch the three of them with amusement, and I can’t resist. “You know, there are these things called maps and you can even find them on the Internet and they show you where things are.”
“Sarcasm doesn’t become you, Lani,” Matt warns.
“Where are you headed then, Noah?” I ask, relenting. I get the feeling that Matt really doesn’t want Annika to look at a map, but I can’t keep up with whatever on and off again thing they’ve got going.
“I’m not. I’m staying here. I’ve got a research grant for my translation of Ovid, a job in the library, and I’m auditing a graduate course in classical archaeology. So I’m all set!” He grins while the rest of us just blink at him. Kyle shakes his head mournfully and Matt just sighs.
“I hope they let you outside occasionally,” I say gently, feeling bad for him.
Noah frowns, “That is a problem. I’ll have to run very early or very late during the summer.” He stops abruptly, looking over my head. “There she is!”
We turn as Holly rushes toward us. She has a cardboard box precariously balanced on one hand and a shopping bag in another. Noah swoops in to catch the box just as it starts to slide to the ground.
“Whoops! Thanks, Noah! And sorry! So sorry I’m so late!” She stops in front of us, panting, her curls tumbling every which way and her eyes bright. She drops her shopping bag and starts pulling things out of it. We all watch i
n fascination as she hands out paper plates and forks, then dives back in for matches and a candle.
“Ta da!” she announces. “It’s Lani’s birthday!” She retrieves her box from Noah and produces a cake while I gape at her. I never much liked birthdays and made Kyle promise not to mention it to anyone. I frown at him but he looks genuinely baffled.
Holly smirks. “I have my ways! What’s the point of being a badass computer hacker if you don’t check out your friends’ birthdays, embarrassing middle names, and social security numbers?”
Noah makes a long-suffering sound while the rest of us exchange horrified glances. Holly makes Annika hold the cake while she jams a candle into the middle, then starts singing. She has a surprisingly beautiful voice, actually, but I’m still embarrassed.
“Make a wish!” she insists.
I’m tempted to quote the last scene of Sixteen Candles. Hasn’t my wish already come true? But that would be way too corny and, frankly, I’m too good a writer for that. My new career direction is moving forward too: my advisor approved my request to add an English minor to my degree and the Carlyle Chronicle wants me to write a regular dance column in the fall.
So I make a private wish for Kyle and just blow out the candle. Holly starts to hack at the cake with a knife that’s waaaay too big.
“It’s 9:30 in the morning, Holly,” Kyle protests, stepping behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist. I snuggle back into him.
“I know! It was hard to find a cake so early. That’s why I’m late!” She pauses, pointing the knife at me. “But you need a cake for your birthday!”
“How ‘bout I do this part, Holl?” Noah says, carefully removing the knife from her hand. She smiles happily and hands out pieces of cake on paper plates as he cuts them.
“No thanks. We’re about to play tennis,” Annika says, waving off her plate.
“Eat your cake!” Holly orders. “For Lani!”
Annika obediently accepts her cake, eyeing it dubiously. Under Holly’s watchful gaze she takes a tiny bite. I work hard not to laugh, but I can feel Kyle chuckling.
“Happy birthday, Lani!” Holly sings out when the cake is all distributed. She’s beaming. I shove my plate at Kyle and hug her hard. She is so dear! They all are.
“I’m going to miss you!” I whisper, sniffling. I manage a shaky smile while everyone wishes me a happy birthday. I even eat a few bites of cake, which isn’t very good. Still, I feel very lucky—and different. Taking a deep breath, I look around and say, “you know, that first week of class I wrote that I had to choose my friends better and it worked!”
“Aww!” Holly says, grinning. Then she smacks Noah in the arm. “Give her the present!”
“Why are you hitting me?” He scowls at her and she reaches out to rub the spot she punched. He blinks and mutters. “And I shared it with her already.”
Holly strokes his arm absently and explains. “It’s a road trip playlist! Noah and I put it together for you! Red Hot Chili Peppers, Little Feat, Lucinda Williams, Springsteen…. It starts with Thunder Road, obviously. You’ll have to tell me what you liked when you get back. Oh! I’m going to miss you all! And I gotta go!”
She bursts into motion again, collecting plates and shoving the rest of the cake at me. “I’m leaving on a jet plane! Cali-for-nia, I’m coming home!” She sings as she hugs each of us in turn. Kyle looks confused.
“Joni Mitchell,” I mouth at him.
“Now?” Noah says, grabbing Holly’s arm to slow her down.
“We gotta go too! Court time,” Matt interrupts. He and Annika start backing away, waving awkwardly.
“Bye, guys!” Annika says quietly. I can see her struggling to stay composed. I smile reassuringly and blow her a kiss.
“Enjoy your summer! Don’t do anything we wouldn’t do,” Kyle calls out after them with a wink. As one Matt and Annika whirl around and practically run in the other direction while Kyle laughs at them. I elbow him and turn my attention to Noah and Holly, who are arguing.
“I told you I’d drive you!”
“And I told you I don’t want you to!” Holly retorts, then turns to us. “Sorry about that! I better get my stuff together— Have a great trip! “ She starts scurrying off.
Noah gives us both an apologetic glance. “Yeah—I’m glad you’re coming back, Kyle. Let’s hang out when you’re back in town.” Then he jogs off after Holly.
And then Kyle and I are alone with some leftover cake and some new playlists. He squeezes me and leans his chin on my shoulder. Twenty-one, huh? I admit some things about adulthood seem pretty good. I didn’t even have to ask my parents to go on this road trip with Kyle. I just told them and they didn’t blink.
It’s been a good year. An amazing year.
“You ready?” he says quietly.
I turn in his arms and slide mine around his neck, kissing him lightly.
“I’m ready.”
“Mmm. You know I’m giving you a birthday present tonight, right?“ He nuzzles my ear, sending shivers down my spine.
“I’m definitely ready,” I murmur back, shifting closer.
He laughs and pulls away, opening the passenger door for me. “Let’s get going then!”
Epilogue
KYLE
I shift my feet. Again. Leaning against a wall, I check the arrivals board. Again. Her flight has arrived but it will be awhile before she emerges through those sliding doors. I check my phone. Again. How can it take so long to get off a goddamn plane?
I force myself to take a deep breath. Over the long, long summer without Lani I had to figure out how to calm myself down when she wasn’t around. I’d take those deep breaths, pause, take another deep breath—and then I’d call her. Our cell phone bills were fucking outrageous. But hearing her voice always did it for me, even if I still craved looking into her amazing eyes, touching her incredibly soft skin, burying myself deep in her…. Yeah, it was a really, really long summer.
And weirdly great. I was crazy busy with my EMT shifts, an extra bio elective, and volunteering at a local critical care center. I loved being immersed in the nonstop chaos of an emergency room, where no one gave two fucks about the right thing to say and no one tolerated indecision. I spent long hours on my feet, running errands, fetching supplies, relaying messages, taking notes, and watching eagerly, eating it all up. It was exhausting, totally engaging, inspiring. It’s something I could see myself doing for a long time and getting better at.
And it took the edge off missing Lani so goddamned much. We’d check in by text during the day, but when I’d crash into bed at night, feeling both wiped and energized, it was the sweetest reward just to hear her voice.
I straighten as more people start to drift through those sliding doors. I found an off-campus apartment and I’m working with Sergeant Ruiz to set up the classes I still need in the fall. And I’m waiting for Lani. It’s like I’ve been waiting for Lani my whole damned life and there’s no way I’m going to let her go now.
Then there she is and I lean back again against the wall, feeling ridiculously winded. I just stare as she hitches her backpack on one shoulder and pauses to scan the room, her expression intent. And she’s so much more beautiful than I remembered and I’m afraid I’m going to lose it.
And then those golden eyes meet mine and she lights up, and I take another deep breath because she’s running, running towards me, so graceful and so amazing and my last thought before her body slams into mine and her arms come around my neck and her face lifts to me and my hands tug her closer is that I don’t know how I got so goddamn lucky.
LANI
“What’s the matter?” I tilt my head back to look up at him.
He’s just staring at me, shaking his head. I smooth my fingers over the back of his neck, aware of the tension coiled in the body against mine. His blue gaze is intense, searching my face. He swallows hard, still without a word.
I kind of get it. I’m shaking a little too. And I know him. It’s been three awful months
apart but my awareness is still totally tuned into him. I stroke the back of his head as I press against him. I’ve dropped my bag at our feet so I have two hands to use on him and I frame his face with them, holding his gaze. I pull his head to mine very gently and feel his breathing hitch.
“Hey,” I whisper. I touch my mouth to his lightly and give him a small smile. “It’s okay.”
He nods, leaning into me, his hands gripping tight at my waist. His mouth brushes mine again and I shiver at the pleasure of it. If there are people watching us I don’t know or care. Fuck them. I giggle thinking of how much Kyle has rubbed off on me.
“Hey,” I say again, smiling wider now. My fingers skim over the scratchy skin of his jaw, down his neck, back around to scrape through his short hair. I feel and hear him sigh, relaxing a little.
“Lani.” His voice is low and sends more shivers through me. My heart is still expanding to encompass all the joy and love of being here with him.
“Yep,” I tease, then I relent a little because I don’t think he’s even blinked yet. “It’s really me and I’m really here.”
He grunts and runs a hand through my hair. A slow smile eases across his face and it’s so sweet, so sexy…so Kyle. I press another soft kiss against that mouth.
“Still speechless?”
“Shhh,” he says, his mouth quirking, right before he swoops down to kiss me deeply, wildly, wonderfully. Yes. I missed this. I really missed him.
I’m speechless too by the time we pause to catch our breaths so we just stare at each other some more and everything’s good…. Everything’s perfect.
“Hey you,” he says finally, brushing my hair back. I’m reluctant to move.
“Hey you too.” Neither of us budges. “What next?” My voice comes out sounding husky.
“I want to spend the next ninety hours making love to you for every night we missed.”
The Partnership (Extra Credit Book 1) Page 14