Shrink to Fit

by Dona Sarkar

  “Whoa.” Jay gently drew back. “Leah—”

  She searched his eyes, looking for a shred of passion, desire. He had kissed her back. That had to mean something.

  “I’m dating Jenn.”

  “So?”

  “So?” He smoothed his hair. “This isn’t going to happen.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because it’s not.”

  “What? Why not? Why not me?”

  “Because you’re you. I mean, we have this thing, but, no. You and I can’t—”

  Leah pressed her fingers together to keep from throwing a punch at him.

  You’re you? You’re an imposter. You’re a fat girl acting like you belong. “Leave.”

  “Oh, come on. Let’s talk about this. That was a mistake. We were being stupid.”

  “You care about me?”

  “Of course.”

  “Love me, even?”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “Then why was that a mistake?”

  “It didn’t mean anything! You don’t feel that way toward me, right? I know you don’t. We’re just friends.”

  Friends? He was unwilling to explore this sizzling, alive thing between them because he needed a buddy to trade lines and basketball shots with?

  Leah shoved him. Hard. She was still stronger, despite all the weight she had lost, and he fell a few steps back. “Hey.”

  “Get out. Just get out of my house.”

  “I am not leaving, until—”

  “Why her? Why Jennifer? All she cares about is how she looks, how thin she is, how pretty she is. She doesn’t challenge you!”

  “She’s not like that—”

  “Yeah, she is! She’s vain and selfish and stupid. She is obsessed with being thin.”

  “No, Leah.” Jay stepped forward and lifted her chin, his fingers mingling with the tears flowing down her cheeks. “Jennifer is not the one with the problem. You are.”

  “Jay!”

  “I don’t think you and I should see each other for a while. I think you should get some help. I don’t want you to end up like Shazan.”

  “I’m not her.”

  “You will be soon.”

  He closed the door behind him as he left.

  fifteen

  Eyes Wide Shut

  “Wake up.”

  No response from the still figure on the bed. Shazan’s eyes remained closed even as Leah paced her room. She’d been pacing for five minutes and still no response.

  “Wake up. Wake up.” Leah kneeled next to the bed and laid her hand on Shazan’s flat stomach. “I need to talk to you right now. C’mon, babe. Wake up!”

  “Who is that?” Shazan’s voice was weak, and unfamiliar, but it was her.

  Leah fell onto the bed, practically crushing Shazan. “Do you know how worried people are about you? Everyone at school is asking about you.”

  “How did you get in here?”

  “Girl, you think that whiny little Jiffy can keep me out? I don’t think so.” Overjoyed, Leah snapped on the bedside light. She’d left it off since she’d snuck into the room, way before visiting hours.

  “What’s happened to you?”

  “What do you mean?” Leah touched her cheekbones. She knew Shazan would notice how much weight she’d lost. How great she must look.

  “Are you sick?”

  “No! Why?”

  “Your face. God, look at your fingers!” Shazan stared at Leah’s fingers entwined with her own.

  Leah snatched her hand away. Not you, too. Jealous. Even Shazan was jealous.

  “I did the modeling thing, remember? The photographer said I have a real future.”

  “What about basketball?”

  “What about it?”

  “How’s the team? We gonna win the finals?”

  “You bet.” Leah grinned. “The game is in three hours, but I had to see you.”

  “Come back and tell me how it goes. You know, no one else has come by.” Shazan rested her head back into the mound of pillows and groaned.

  “Bill has. I saw him the first day.”

  Shazan turned her head. “He says I have a real problem.”

  “Ignore him.”

  “I think I do. I was completely addicted to those pills.”

  Leah took her hand again, being careful to hide her fingers from Shazan. “It’s over now. Don’t think about it. You’ll be home soon.”

  Shazan smiled weakly. “You look really tired. Take a nap before the game. And come tell me how it went. I can’t believe I’m missing it.”

  Leah hugged her. “I promise to come back here tonight and tell you all about it. Get some rest.”

  “Where have you been?” Allison Taylor shrieked as Leah entered the girls’ locker room. “Coach is going to flip! You missed practice!”

  Leah ignored her and started shuffling in place. Back and forth. Back and forth. Her shins were feeling much better, but she was just so tired. She felt as if she could fall asleep on her feet. And the room seemed to be spinning. She wished Allison would just shut the hell up.

  “Hello?”

  Leah turned around and snapped, “Just shut up, okay? What do you want?”

  “Nothing. Jeez.” Allison stopped pulling her hair into a ponytail in midair. “What’s with you? Low blood sugar?”

  “Bitch,” Leah muttered, resuming her shuffling.

  “What did you say?” Allison stepped into Leah’s shuffle line. “What did you just say to me?”

  “Nothing.” Leah rolled her eyes. “I have a game to win, if you remember. Get the—”

  “With that attitude, no wonder everyone thinks you’re crazy.” Allison smirked.

  “You got something to say to me?” Leah rested a hand on her hip and took a threatening step forward.

  Allison took it all in and laughed. “Please. The Ghetto Superstar routine isn’t going to fly just because you’re Miss Thang now. Warm up and get on the court.”

  Leah was the last one on the court, and the coach pointedly ignored her during their final huddle.

  “Okay, girls. This is it. Let’s make history, huh? The scout from Cal is here. He’s in the third row.”

  Scout!

  Leah glanced into the stands. Victoria was there. Front row, center. She sat alone, hands entwined, frowning. Leah looked past her. Where was the scout?

  The cheerleaders took their place and Leah heard a familiar yell.

  “Hey, wait up!” Jay jogged toward the court.

  Leah broke into a smile. He came! He was there for her.

  Instead of running toward her, Jay stopped at the cheerleaders and grabbed Jennifer. He dipped his head and kissed her. On the lips. In front of everyone. A cheer rose from the crowd.

  As he stood up, Jay’s eyes met Leah’s. He held her gaze and turned away as if he didn’t even know her.

  Leah’s cheeks burned. Point taken.

  East L.A. and Sonoma lined up. Leah gazed at her opponents. She could take them. Easily. This was going to be so easy.

  She would have good news for Shazan tonight.

  The ref blew the whistle and instantly, Leah grabbed the basketball and started dribbling toward the other basket.

  “Leah, you sure you’re all right? You don’t look too—” Leah heard the coach’s voice.

  “I gotta win this one, Coach. Don’t worr—” Leah raised the basketball in the air and gasped. What were those twigs that were holding up the ball? Where were her powerful, muscular arms? These looked like a scarecrow’s arms. The ball was just so heavy. She dropped it and instantly it was stolen by the other team’s star forward.

  No chance. She was going to win this game.

  She leaped into the air to block the shot.

  That’s when everything started to spin.

  She hit the floor on her side.

  And heard a crack.

  “Stop!” Leah yelled as loudly as she could. “Time-out!”

  “Leah!” Her mother’s voice sounded very far away.
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  Everything continued. Just like in the locker room. Leah reached out for something to hold on to, but all she caught was thin air.

  Her eyes closed and she felt herself falling.

  sixteen

  Fracture

  The game.

  Beep.

  The game. Where was she? They had a game to play.

  Passed out on the court.

  Looked dizzy.

  Losing her…

  Eating disorder.

  Were those voices real?

  Leah wanted to yell out that she was fine. Everything was going to be okay. They had a game to win. They had to let her wake up.

  “Aggg.” She made a gurgling sound in her throat that didn’t sound like anything to her ears.

  She opened her eyes and saw a bright white light. No! Was she dead? Was this the white light?

  “There she is.” The light was gone. “Leah?”

  Leah blinked. “What the hell was that? Am I dead? Is this heaven? What is that smell?”

  She heard a scraping noise from the corner of the room. “You’re back.” Victoria was by her side in an instant. “Thank God. Thank God.”

  “Mama!” Leah started to cry. “What happened? Why am I here? I’m supposed to be playing the game right now. Did we lose?”

  “Listen.”

  Leah felt something heavy around her middle. She couldn’t turn onto her back. “Mama!”

  “You broke two ribs.”

  “What?” Leah attempted to sit up, but it hurt too much to even breathe.

  “You fell on the court and shattered two ribs. You had surgery yesterday.”

  “But the game? What happened to the game? There was a scout—”

  “Game’s over. You lost. Get over it.”

  Leah swiveled her head. Who was that? A man in the corner of the room was writing in a chart. He certainly didn’t have the bedside manner to be a doctor.

  “Mama?”

  “We’ll talk about it later. Right now we need to get you better.”

  “Victoria, don’t coddle her. You’re part of the problem.”

  “Hey! You got something to say to me, you say it to me. Leave my mama outta this—” Leah indignantly placed her elbows underneath her and tried to prop herself on them. Failing, she fell back into the pillow. Her arms just felt so weak. And this heavy cast—how was she going to play with this cast?

  “You are a very sick young lady. We need to talk a bit about what you’ve done to yourself,” the man said, pulling his chair up next to her. “Listen and listen well. I’m Dr. Brendan. Eating-disorder psychologist. You know you’re in L.A. when there are more eating-disorder specialists than brain surgeons.”

  “I’m fine.” Leah closed her eyes. Her lids felt so heavy. And she was so cold. “Can someone turn up the heat?”

  “You’ve lost so much body fat so quickly that your body isn’t able to adjust. That’s why you’re so cold.” The annoying Dr. Brendan continued talking. “Keep your eyes open. If you sleep again, you might not wake up.”

  “That’s crap.” Leah forced open her eyes to see him up close. In other circumstances, she would have found him hot, but his sapphire eyes were narrowed with disapproval. Doctors were supposed to be hot and understanding and nice, like the ones on Grey’s Anatomy. This one was just rude. She wanted a trade.

  “It’s not crap. You’re losing hair and your nails are breaking. Your bones are as brittle as a fifty-year-old’s. Your body is shutting down. Look at this.” He held up her wrist. It hung limply, every bone and vein visible through the transparent skin. “This is a dying body.”

  “I’m fine. I just need to go home.”

  “The E.R. staff put food into you through an IV for the past two days. Do you understand me? You’re awake because your body got the nourishment it needed. You would have died if they hadn’t force-fed you.”

  Food? They were force-feeding her?

  “You need treatment. You need to eat. You are not leaving here till we do something about your anorexia. And if I’m not mistaken, by this report of your stomach lining, you’re bulimic, too.”

  Victoria gasped.

  “There is nothing wrong with me!”

  “When you start eating on your own, you get to make decisions. Until then, you are going to stay in this room. In that bed. You do not leave the room. You don’t even get your shoes or clothes until you start eating again.”

  Leah eyed him. She was going to wear this paper gown until she downed a cheeseburger? What kind of stupidity was this? There was nothing wrong with her!

  Why wasn’t her mother speaking up for her? Why wasn’t she telling them what a hit she’d been at the modeling shoot? How everyone loved her.

  “We’re going to talk every day. You are going to tell me what you’ve eaten and how you felt. I’m not going to let you turn into your friend Shazan.”

  “You’re insane.” Leah attempted to sit up again. Barely succeeded. “Everything’s fine, okay. Shazan’s going to be okay. She opened her eyes. We talked. She’s going to go home soon.”

  “Leah.” Victoria squeezed her left hand while Dr. Brendan pinched her right.

  “Ouch! Quit pinching me!”

  “At least you can feel that. Listen to me and listen well. You need to get better. I am not going to release you until you’re eating normally again. If that means you stay here for a year, so be it. No friends. No school dances. Certainly no sports. You want that?”

  “Stop trying to scare me! There is nothing wrong with me! Look at me. I was in a modeling shoot on Friday. I look great! Everyone says so.” Leah touched her cheekbones. Sharp, clean bones.

  “Damn photographers,” Dr. Brendan muttered. “I hate this town. Look, about your friend Shazan.”

  “I want to see her. I promised I’d tell her how the game went.”

  “Shazan’s gone,” Victoria answered for the doctor.

  “Home already? She didn’t say goodbye.” Leah frowned. That didn’t sound like her at all. Shazan would have been here by her side, whispering conspiratorially about how they were going to get out of here, go shopping and get revenge on their ex-loves. She wouldn’t just leave. Especially if she knew Leah was trapped here with Dr. McNutty.

  “Leah, listen—” Victoria glanced at the doctor.

  “She died early this evening. She had another heart attack. In two weeks, that will be you.”

  seventeen

  Mommy Dearest

  Leah stared at the macaroni and cheese perched on the edge of her bed. She was not putting that into her body. Not a chance.

  Dr. Brendan and Victoria had finally left.

  And here she was alone. White padded room. Bed. Socks. Hospital gown. That was it.

  Shazan dead? No way. Her friend was going to be an Abercrombie model. She had her whole life ahead of her. They were lying to her. They had to be. Just to scare her. The second she got out of here she would call her friend and they would laugh about this whole stupid incident.

  Leah touched the heavy cast. Apparently in a week, they would remove it and just tape the ribs. The break had been bad apparently. The on-call doctor had explained that her bones were brittle from the lack of calcium in her diet and she’d lost most of the fat and muscle in her rib cage, leaving her ribs vulnerable.

  Everything had fallen apart so quickly.

  They’d lost the game. And the finals. All because of her.

  She’d kissed Jay, thinking, yes, this time it was going to happen.

  And it hadn’t. He hadn’t even come to see her yet.

  She needed a plan. She had to get her life back. Finally, everything was in place. She was thin. She was on the cover of Jade magazine. She could finally be one of the girls she’d envied for so long.

  She had to get out of here and away from the crazy doctor and his mac and cheese.

  As much as she tried to ignore it, the smell wafted to where she was propped up on three pillows. Rich and creamy. She could practically taste the cheese
. And the pasta. She hadn’t touched pasta in months.

  Leah turned away. Not a bite.

  Dr. Brendan was not going to blackmail her into eating. She might as well take the fat and inject it into her veins. She’d be back to being two hundred pounds in a week if she did that.

  A knock at the door woke her from her stupor.

  “You’re sitting up.” Victoria closed the door behind her.

  “If I don’t breathe too hard, it doesn’t hurt.” Leah attempted a smile.

  “I’ve never seen you black out before. The whole gym just froze. And Sonoma forfeited the game.”

  Leah felt a sinking in her stomach. All because of her. Could she ever show her face again? “What did Coach say?”

  “Just to get better, babe.” Victoria sat at the edge of the bed, moving the plate of mac and cheese closer to Leah. “Did you understand what the doctor said? He won’t let you out of here until you’re well.”

  “Mama, come on! You see me. I’m fine. I was just dehydrated that day.”

  “You are not fine.”

  “Mama!”

  “I told you before. I saw the signs…but I let you get away with it. I wanted us to be in that damn photo shoot so badly I was willing to sacrifice your health.”

  Victoria pressed her palms to her temples. “I should have checked you in here myself when I found those pills. I should have called Shazan’s mom. If I had, I wouldn’t have had to go to her funeral today.”

  Leah stared dully at Victoria. It couldn’t be true. Shazan. Full-of-life, beautiful Shazan. The only one that understood.

  “Her parents are falling apart. Her mother kept begging her to wake up. Kept telling her all her friends were there to see her and she needed to wake up.” Victoria wiped away a tear. “That could have happened to you if your body hadn’t shut down at the game.”

  “I don’t believe you. She can’t be gone—”

  “She’s dead, Leah. You hear me? Dead.” Victoria took a folded piece of paper out of her purse and threw it on Leah’s lap.

  Leah unfolded the newspaper page. Sonoma High School Cheerleader Dies of Drug Overdose. Funeral to Be Held December 8th.