by Wendy Knight
He felt tears and panic and utter darkness threatening to swallow him whole. "But—but I almost made it to twenty."
She blinked at him.
"You said—you said you could have a boyfriend when you were twenty. I only had a year and a half until—"
His heart broke. He didn't cry — wasn't even sure he had the ability, but everything in him was screaming in agony. He dropped her hand and slowly backed away. He could see tears in her eyes, too, but his little Sunshine, she didn't cry, either.
"I'm not letting you go, Harli. I'm not going to stop fighting for you."
She sucked in a breath, watching him with wide, dark eyes. He kept praying that she would stop him, that she would come to him, that she would tell him she still loved him. But she didn't. She didn't do any of those things. She reached up and pushed the button. The gate swung shut and Jace pushed him gently into the car, and still she stood there watching.
"Hey." Jace got in and shut the door. "It's going to be okay. You're going to get through this."
Levi leaned forward, his head in his hands. "No. No, it's not going to be okay, Jace."
Please don't take my Sunshine away.
Chapter Four
"THAT WAS PROBABLY THE WORST PERFORMANCE of your life. Get out of your head, Levi!" Michael snarled. Levi glared at him and walked past without a word. He'd gone almost forty-eight hours without sleep. He'd lost the one good thing he'd ever had in his life. And he had no one to blame but himself.
"I think he's coming down with something. Influenza A was, like, an epidemic in New Orleans," Colin said, following him off the stage.
Michael ignored him, still focused on Levi. "You missed rehearsal today. It's all over the Forums. You went back to your podunk little town to see that girl. And now we have twenty thousand pissed off people out there!" He swung his arm back toward the stage, his jowls shaking and his face red.
Levi wondered half-heartedly if Michael was going to have a heart attack.
"Maybe if we told them why Levi wasn't his usual exuberant self, they'd—"
"They'd howl for our blood. Girls don't want to hear about other girls. You'll lose ninety percent of your fan base with one stupid sentence."
Levi shrugged, the last twenty four hours playing on repeat over and over in his head so there was no room for anything else. Something was different this time. The way she jerked away from him. The way she didn't want to be touched. Was she with someone else already? Was that what this was all about? The thought hurt, but it also felt insanely wrong. Harli would never do that. She wasn't him. He went to his dressing room and grabbed his phone, wondering when Jace's number had stopped being on his speed dial.
"Hello?"
"Jace?"
"Yeah?"
Levi got right to the point, because he didn't have the energy for anything else. "When you were—" Levi nearly choked on the words, "—up in Harli's room, did you—did you touch her at all?"
"Dude, what the hell? You really think I'd—"
"No." Levi cut him off. "Not that kind of touching. Real touching. Like to help her up or—or give her a hug?"
"Yeah," Jace said slowly. "She freaked though. It was just for a second. It didn't mean—"
"Where?" Levi suddenly felt sick. How could he have not known? "Where did you touch her?"
"Just her arms," Jace said defensively. In the hallway, Graham, their drummer, the drummer who had replaced Harli, and Colin waited, watching nervously. Dorian, their bass, paused next to them, frowning.
"Dammit." Levi swung away. Her arms. Every time she'd freaked, it was because he'd touched her arms or her hands.
"Look, Levi, I was just—"
"Shut up, Jace. I don't care about that. Why the hell won't she answer her phone? There was something wrong with her arms," Levi muttered.
"You think—you think she's cutting or something?" Jace's voice was suddenly hoarse.
"No. Not that." I need an excuse. I need an excuse. "Maybe she—maybe something happened. I've gotta—I'll talk to you later." Phone in hand, he turned on his band mates. "You, too. I'll talk to you guys later." He shut the door in their suspicious faces. There were meet and greets and photo ops, but none of that mattered. He heard Colin telling someone that he must have the flu, but he was already dialing her number.
She didn't answer. Huge surprise. It went straight to voice mail. So he called the hospital.
"Can you—can you tell me if there was a Harlequin Lee admitted last night?"
"I'm sorry, we're not allowed to give out that information."
"I'm her legal guardian." It wasn't technically a lie. Sort of. He had been her legal guardian until she turned eighteen, because Selecia was a total whack job and wanted nothing to do with her only daughter.
"Let me—let me talk to my supervisor."
And he paced again. Back and forth, wearing a path around the edges of his dressing room. "We have on her file that a Levi Vasi is her legal guardian," the woman finally said.
"That's me." He rattled off his social security number, his birthday, his driver's license number, and was about to tell them every branch of his whacked-out family tree when the woman finally relented.
"Yes. She was here last night but checked herself out. That's all I can tell you."
And went right to school. The one place she felt safe.
Selicia couldn't get to her at school.
"Thanks," he managed, feeling his throat close around the words. He dropped the phone and sank onto the couch, his head in his hands. Later, he knew, a murderous rage would overtake him, and he'd spend several hours on the Internet trying to find Selicia so he could hunt her down and kill her. But now, it was just helpless despair.
She'd needed him. Harli had needed him, and he wasn't there.
He had to find out more. First, he called Keven. Keven was the guy Levi went to for information. He had no idea how Keven found out what he found out, and he didn't ask. "Harli was in the hospital last night. Can you find out why?"
"Yep. Give me some time. I'm on vacation."
Levi sighed. People actually took vacations? He couldn't remember the last time he'd had a day off. "That's great. Thanks."
Next he had to make sure someone was taking care of Harli because she wouldn't do it herself. It was an hour earlier there, but still almost midnight on a school night. Kim was going to kill him, but he texted her anyway.
Do me a favor?
Apparently Kim was up because she answered right away. "Unless it's punching you in the throat, no."
He smiled despite himself. "Take care of her for me. Don't let anyone hurt her. Don't let me hurt her. Don't let her cry. Please?"
This time, Kim took longer to write him back, and he had almost all his stage makeup off by the time his phone beeped again. "You're scaring me." A few seconds passed, and then she wrote him again. "Are you giving up on her then? Because I wasn't serious about throat punching you before, but I am now."
Levi almost laughed. "No. Nothing in the world could make me give up on her."
He started gathering his stuff so he could go back to his hotel room. Michael would throw a fit if he missed the after-party, but Levi's body was threatening to go on strike.
She wrote him back. "Fine. But stop being a douche."
He smirked.
Levi had one more call to make. Taking a deep breath, he called Jace again.
"I haven't talked to you this much in over a year," Jace said by way of greeting.
"Protect her for me."
"What?"
"I'm not there, and she's—she needs someone. She won't admit it, ever. She's tough as nails, but there are things…" He shook his head. "She needs someone, and—" he sucked in a deep breath because he knew Jace wasn't going to like what was coming next, "—and you're the only person in the world who loves her as much as I do. So you have to make sure she's okay. No matter what it takes."
Jace was silent. Levi could hear him breathing, but he didn't talk for so long th
at he started to suspect maybe Jace had slipped into a coma. "Why do you say that?" Jace finally croaked.
"Come on, Jace. Everyone in that town knows you're in love with her. Everyone but her."
"I'm not."
"You are, and I need you to protect her. Make sure—make sure her heart heals and she—she doesn't cry. Don't let her cry over me. Don't let anyone make her cry."
"If you've known I was in love with her all this time, why'd you never try to beat the shit out of me like you do everyone else?" Jace completely ignored Levi's emotional plea, his voice strangled.
"Because I loved you like a brother before she loved me. Because she needs you."
"Fine. But I'm doing it for her, not you."
"I'm okay with that," Levi said quietly.
He tucked his phone in his pocket and slid out the door, pulling his hat low over his eyes and praying no one, especially Michael, would notice him. The angels were on his side, because he made it all the way to his hotel room before his phone started angry buzzing. He glanced at it, noted that it was Michael, and dropped it on the coffee table. He dragged his shirt over his head, thought absently that he hadn't gone to the gym that day, and shoved himself out of his jeans. Too tired to do anything else, he flopped onto the bed and dragged the duvet over him, grateful for the exhaustion that would drag him under before he could think more on what he'd been through that day.
But sleep didn't come. Instead, lyrics started weaving over and under and around his brain, fashioning themselves into a song. He tried to ignore it, but the words wouldn't go away, kept singing in his head until he was almost humming along. Growling, he flipped on the bedside lamp and dug in the nightstand drawer where hotels always kept notepads and pens.
Pen and paper, right where they should be. "Success," he muttered without any excitement because it took too much energy.
I'd sell my soul to save you. Shred my heart to have you. Look at me, wanting you.
The one thing in this life I can't have.
Finally, written down, the words left him in peace. Focusing on her face, her smile, the sound of her voice and the silk of her hair, he found sleep.
"YOU MISSED ONE HELL of a party." Graham snorted as Levi stumbled onto the bus the next morning. He'd forced himself to go to the gym earlier, and his abs and arms screamed in protest now. Just another necessary part of the job. Apparently, girls didn't scream for fat rock stars.
Graham looked like shit. "Did you sleep at all?" Levi asked, throwing his bag on the couch and dropping himself next to it.
"Don't need to sleep. I'm a god, Levi. Four girls last night. At. Once." Graham sat back with his hands behind his head, looking immensely pleased with himself.
"Good for you?" Levi asked, because he honestly wasn't sure what to do with that information.
"Hell yeah."
Colin came from further back in the bus to join them, sitting silently next to Graham. "Did you go to the party last night?" Levi finally asked, because Colin was doing nothing but glaring at Graham, and it was awkward for everyone.
"Yeah," Colin snarled. "I went. Michael's out for your head today."
"Isn't he usually? What's wrong with you?"
Graham snorted and got up. Colin waited until he left before he leaned closer to Levi. "Pretty sure he's on something, Levi."
"On something… like antibiotics for an infection, maybe? Or antihistamines for allergies? Or—"
"Shut up, Levi. You know what I mean."
Levi shook his head. Drugs were his one stipulation when they'd formed this band—in that, they were off-limits. He'd watched his mom spiral out of control too many times, and he refused to watch anyone do that to his career, too. "He wouldn't dare."
Colin popped his knuckles, a sure sign that he was either beyond furious or beyond nervous. Levi was pretty sure he knew which. "He thinks we need him. That we'd be screwed without him. He wasn't even there when we won The Last Chord!"
"Okay… what happened last night?" If Colin kept popping, he might just break a bone. And then he wouldn't be able to play, and they'd seriously be screwed. Girls loved Colin.
"He and his little groupies were in the back corner at the party. They got really wild. Nearly got us all thrown out of there. Michael threatened to kill him, so they left."
"Did you see anything?"
"Didn't have to. Look at his eyes and his skin. He looks like your mom did right before—" Realizing what he'd been about to say, Colin jerked his mouth shut. Too late.
But it was a pain Levi had worn since he was eleven. "Before she went to jail the second time. Yeah, I noticed that, too."
Meth, then. Levi shook his head, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Awesome."
Chapter Five
"HEY. WHAT'CHA DOIN'?"
Harli tucked the phone between her jaw and her shoulder and reached for the milk. "Grocery shopping. Isn't that what everyone our age is doing on a Friday night?"
Kim sighed. "You're off work then?"
Milk safely deposited into her cart, Harli nodded, nearly dropped the phone, and realized Kim couldn't see her. "Yep. Ten minutes ago. Amazingly enough, the Muse-ik Store isn't where all the cool kids spend their Fridays, either. I'm like a leper tonight."
"Not for long," Kim said. Instantly, Harli recognized The Tone.
Kim was up to something.
Suspicious, Harli glared at the cheese in front of her since Kim wasn't there. "What do you want?"
"I need a favor."
"What kind of favor, Kim?" Harli practically growled. Except it wasn't possible for her to growl. She'd tried. She could play any musical instrument known to man, but she couldn't control her voice to carry a tune.
Irony.
"You know Justin and Trigger and Blair from school? They have this country band…"
"Yes." Harli drew out the word, glancing guiltily at the little old man who was also waiting for cheese. Grabbing the closest yellow one, she mouthed sorry and hurried away. "What about it?"
"Their drummer, JaNae, had to go out of town last minute. They have a gig tonight at the Sheep's Den, and no drummer."
"That is truly unfortunate."
"Harli."
"What? It is. It's really hard to get the crowd into it without a drummer. I mean, all instruments play an intricate role in—"
"Harli."
She sighed. "What, Kim?"
"You're the only one who can do it. If you don't, they have no drummer. They have no gig. Their dreams die. Don't let their dreams die, Harli!"
Harli raised an eyebrow as she dumped the items that were in her cart onto the conveyor belt. "Dramatic much?"
"It's the truth. Shattered Assassin had their first gig there, too. Same drummer. Coincidence?"
"No, manipulation. What songs are they playing?" She watched the cashier ring up her purchases, noting every price, because it was still a week until payday and she was running short on food funds. Selicia didn't like it when Harli used the debit card with her allowance from JoAnn on it.
Not at all.
"Mostly covers. Some originals."
"Originals? Really? Wow." Convinced the cashier hadn't tried to steal from her, she paid him and grabbed her bags. "When is it?"
"Two hours," Kim said meekly.
"How many songs?"
"Eight." Same meek voice. Because Kim knew what she was asking, and it was practically impossible.
"You want me to learn eight songs in an hour and a half?"
"Yes. No one else can do it, Harli."
Even as she pretended to be all put out, her blood started to hum. Playing in front of a crowd was addicting, even more than chocolate or Pepsi. She loved each and every second of it.
Until the videos hit the Forums and Selicia came home furious that Harli was stealing her limelight.
"Do it. Do it. Do it," Angela chanted.
Harli groaned. She couldn't let their dreams die, and she couldn't face down Kim and Angela, both. They knew where to hit her. "Okay. Have them sen
d me the songs. And Kim, you owe me big time."
"Sleep over at my house?" Kim asked, and Harli could picture her, on the other end of the phone, batting her baby blues, the epitome of innocent.
Kim's house was safe. It wasn't monstrous, it didn't have expensive tile floors or mammoth mahogany doors or a carriage house. The whole family, all five of them, shared one bathroom.
And Harli would have sold her soul to live there, too.
"Fine. If you insist. I'll see you in a bit."
WHAT EXACTLY DID ONE wear when going to a gig completely unprepared? She'd listened to all their songs on repeat for an hour, so she felt fairly confident she could keep up with Justin's band and not ruin the entire show for them. She hummed along as the ninth song played in the background, staring at her closet. Sighing, she bit her lip and picked up her phone.
"Hey girl. What's up?"
Harli could hear the smile in Kim's voice and it boded well for her that Kim sounded happy to hear from her.
"Heeeellp," Harli moaned.
Kim's light laughter sparkled through the room, crashing through Harli's panic. "What's wrong?"
"I don't know what to wear!" Harli threw herself backward onto her bed, staring helplessly up at the ceiling. The brief distraction from Levi felt like she'd pulled a hot cloth off her head, at least for a minute. But it was short-lived. Her Rocker Boy was never gone from her mind for very long.
Not yours anymore.
"I'm on my way, Buttercup. Sit tight."
Harli could hear the jingle of keys in the background and breathed a sigh of relief. Kim was on her way. Everything would be all right.
She didn't move until she heard Kim's car pull into the driveway. She drove a cute little yellow beetle, nicer than Harli's beat up truck that at one time, had been red. Now it was rust. But Harli had paid for it herself—her mother couldn't take it away.
"Well, glad to see you've been busy while I was on my way," Kim said as she breezed into the room, curly hair tied up in a messy bun. Her flip-flops slapped against the floor as she marched over to the closet. Harli thought about pointing out to her that it was March and not flip-flop weather, but since she was begging for Kim's help, critiquing her fashion choices probably wasn't in Harli's best interest.