Everyone, especially Phillip, looked astounded. I tried to keep a neutral face. I managed at least a little bit, enough to fool everyone in the room, except maybe Phillip. I stood up.
“Couldn't have said it better myself, soldier. Now may we be excused?”
They looked at each other and all nodded. They had nothing to charge us with so they didn’t have much choice. We all walked to the door single file and opened it to leave.
“Oh, and students, we are looking into the assassination of the principal. We will find the perpetrator. And boys, no more fighting. There are plenty of better girls out there.”
Phillip pushed me out the door before I could hit her. Too bad really, because she was asking for it.
“What a bitch. I didn’t do anything wrong and she’s all up in my face. Plenty of better girls. Huh, like her? I don’t think so.”
Phillip laughed and swung me around by my waist. He planted a kiss on my lips then released me.
“Better than you? No such thing, darling.”
“Thanks Phillip, but don’t scare me like that again.”
He frowned.
“No woman has ever said my kisses were scary before.”
He looked genuinely confused and I laughed. I looked over to Nick. “Thank you for your help in there.”
He smiled. “You’re welcome. They were lying after all. You never tried to seduce me. The opposite, in fact, as you always seem to be trying to get away from me.”
“Yeah, I win; she’s my date to the dance.”
Phillip brightened up and grabbed my waist again. I shoved him off.
“Oh, stop kidding. That was a lovely performance by both of you though.”
“Who said anything about performing? I really do want to take you to the dance as my date. Maybe I’ll have more luck getting into that dress, since I won't be buying it.”
I’m pretty sure I turned about six shades of red. “I already thanked you for the outfit and saving my ass. But by now, this thing looks about ready to die and fall off me. And if it does that and everyone stares, I will no longer be grateful. In fact, I will get dressed then hunt you down and kill you.”
“At least I’ll get to see the goods before dying.” He rubbed his chin and smiled devilishly. “Oh yeah, it’d be so worth it.”
I slapped him and walked on ahead, trying to act uninterested. The boys walked faster and caught up to me fairly quickly.
I turned to Nick, not wanting to give Phillip a chance to embarrass me again. “So, who are you taking to the dance? Or you just going to go solo?”
He shrugged and Phillip spoke up.
“I know Missy would like you to ask her. She practically drools over you when you pass by.”
I smiled and turned to Phillip. “You noticed that too, huh? Good, I thought it might just be my imagination.” I turned back to Nick. “So how about it? Do we have a winner or not?”
He looked straight ahead. His face was all serious.
“I don’t know. She has asked me, you’re right about that. She wasn't, however, foaming at the mouth.”
He looked sideways at us and we all laughed.
“Seriously, she would if you took someone else. We said she drools over you. But I’m pretty sure if you take someone other than her; she would go all rabid and start biting people.”
“I don’t think so. She seemed interested in Phillip at the diner.”
“What can I say, the ladies all love me.”
Wow Phillip, don’t be all self-obsessed ass or anything. I smiled.
“I don’t know Helen doesn't seem to be too inclined to date you.”
Phillip and I both stopped walking. My mouth dropped open. I tried not to laugh, or even smile. I waited for Phillip to hit him, or kill him more like, but he surprised me.
“We have been running circles around each other for years, boy. I’ve got her on my line I’m just having fun reeling her in.”
Ok, time to interrupt the funny boy talk. “Hold the phone. I am not a fish and no one has me hooked. And before either if you get all possessive and what not, just remember I haven’t agreed to go with anyone to the dance. And I definitely haven’t given anyone reason to think that I would date them. So, do your macho ‘my penis is bigger than yours’ on another girl. Like Missy; I think she’d like the attention.”
I smiled, laughed and skipped ahead, leaving them dumb struck.
“Hey, wait up.”
Nick yelled and they both started running. I pretended not to hear and continued to skip. Harder said than done in these heels but I managed. When the boys caught up I slowed back to a walk.
“So, did you say yes to Missy?”
He looked sideways at me.
“Why so interested?”
I shrugged. “Just making conversation that doesn't revolve around me being naked.”
“No, I told her I’d think about it. She had a fit.”
“Really, why?” Before Nick could answer Phillip sighed and spoke up.
“Oh, Helen you can't be that dense. She thinks he wants to go with you and she gave him hell about it, from what I hear.”
I frowned and turned to Nick. “Really? She yelled and everything? Was there biting involved?” I tried to joke and turn the conversation from me once again.
He shook his head no.
“No biting but screaming was definitely involved. She said I had been leading her on all year, and then you show up and I act like I’m insane now. I guess she’s right about me acting insane. But I didn’t think I really did anything to make her think we were dating. We went to a few functions as friends, but she went with other guys to things as well. I just don’t understand girls.”
I nodded. I felt that way about men. Phillip never seemed to think he had that problem. Silly Phillip.
“See every one of them is different. The key is to pick one and focus on her. After a while, you will learn to read the mood swings and know when to say or do whatever, and it isn't so bad. If you think of all of them, then it becomes overwhelming and is way too much work. Just be a gentleman to every woman you meet but not so much that you can be accused of being interested in them. Save the good stuff for the one you do like. Put all effort into her.”
I listened to Phillip’s assessment of women. He was kind of right though. But I probably shouldn’t just stand here and listen to this man crap. “You’re right, Phillip. And you know what, it’s a good thing women are all different because you men are all the same, and we need diversity somewhere in the world.” I smiled and waited for his retort.
“Helen, men are not all the same. I mean, look at Nick and I. Both of us are interested in you but I’m the only one with the balls to come out and say it. And the reason he is interested in you is very different from the reason I am. Okay, well partially. We both want to get under the cute number you are wearing, but he’s so focused on proving you as someone you aren't that he doesn't even realize it yet.”
I stopped and stared at Phillip. Ok, that was going a bit too far. “Phillip, I don’t think you should…”
He put his hand up. “Let him defend himself, Helen. He’s a soldier. He is going to have to get used to defending his actions and explaining everything. He needs to be a big boy. You won't be around forever to hold his hand.”
“Phillip.” Oh my God! I couldn’t believe he had said that, any of that.
“No, Helen.”
I shut my mouth and glared at him. I waited, expecting them to come to blows. That would be bad, since as a general I would have to punish Nick for fighting. I wouldn’t be able to punish Phillip because he wasn't under military law. Nick didn’t rise to the bait though.
“If you mean I find her attractive, of course I do. She looks exactly like the girl I have loved since I was four. But I would never assume that it was okay to just jump into her pants, and I definitely would never pressure her into anything like you try to do. And I am not interested in her like that at all.
“She’s attractive, ye
s, but when I look at her I don’t see her, I see Celeste. So a relationship is out of the question. I can't date her to hold onto someone who is gone. I don’t think you have the balls to be honest about how you feel about her. You act like it is all a big joke and yet every time you look at her, your want is there for anyone who cares to look for it. You can't even admit to yourself that you are waiting for her to take you up on one of your offers.”
He looked down at the ground and then straight-ahead at the path.
“Don’t lecture me about not knowing what I want from her. Because I do. I want her to be Celeste. Not Helen. I know she can't be, so I am content to just be her friend. Not like you, you are in love with her and afraid to admit it. Both of you think love makes you weak. Without love I wouldn’t have ever been able to stand this, any of it. Even though Celeste is gone, I know wherever she is she still loves me. That is the only reason I have the strength to continue on.”
He walked on ahead of us. Phillip and I both stared with our jaws hanging open on the pavement. Neither of us really knew what to think. Let alone how to respond. Phillip turned and walked towards the fighting ring. He would work it off. Whatever it was he was feeling. I thought about going after him and asking if it was true. But we had a rule. No asking about information not offered. I would abide by it, for now. I turned and ran in the direction Nick had gone. I saw him ahead and almost ran into him.
“Sorry, it’s hard to run in these heels. They were not made for it.”
He nodded and let go of the arm he had grabbed to keep me from falling over.
“So, that was quite a speech. I don’t think I have ever heard you say so much at once.”
He shrugged.
“Do you have a word limit you are allowed to speak each day or something?”
“No, why?”
“Well you don’t seem too inclined to talk to me. You just gave the speech of a lifetime and now you’re getting all shy on me. It doesn't seem very fair.”
He stopped walking and gave an exasperated sigh.
“What? What’s wrong? Did I say something?”
“Yes. That’s the problem. You say and do things she used to do and it kills me to not be able to tell you how I feel, because you aren't her. You talked about wanting to be an astrologist and loving space and all I can think of is when Celeste and I watched the stars rise one night and she told me the stories behind each constellation.
“I understand that you have a different life now, one I am apparently not to interfere in or be a part of, but I wish you would just tell me honestly if you are her or not. Sometimes you say or do something that is her, not like her but actually her. Then you keep to yourself and say you have given up on happiness and love, and I know Celeste would never do that. I’m so confused; I don’t know what to think. I just want the truth.”
I stared down at the ground and kicked a pebble on the path around. “I have told you repeatedly, I am not Celeste.”
He ran a hand through his hair.
“See you keep wording things so that you are not answering my question, but so that you are giving the expected answer of no. What in God’s name did they do to you to make you so afraid?”
I looked up, angry. “I am not afraid of anything! You have no idea what I have been through and survived, and let me tell you, after a while you stop fearing because you know it’s pointless! Bad things will happen whether I fear them or not, so there is no point in being afraid! I have survived worse than anything the human race could possibly throw at me!”
I turned and stomped off. Time to go find Phillip. I wanted this shit all cleared up. Tomorrow we would fly to France to be all beautified and shop for everything we would need. I walked towards the fighting ring. Someone stepped in my path and I looked up to find Jane standing there.
“Hello Jane. Have a job for me?”
I smiled as she nodded. She knew my moods. She could look at me and know I needed something to take the edge off.
“Go to your room and pack. We leave in two hours. It’s on one of the colony planets, so remember to grab the maps.”
I nodded and changed direction to head to my room. I got to the dorm and sighed. It probably isn't a good sign when killing people takes the edge off. I walked up the steps to my room. I didn’t really care if it was a good sign or not. It worked for me and this was my life now. Who was I to judge? I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore.
“No, that’s not true, I do know. I want to be out of this school. I want my life to go back to what it was before. I want to go back to my job and have all these damn complications gone.”
I walked into my room about to mutter something else to myself when Phillip stood up.
“I could take care of that problem. I do still have the offer to kill him in my briefcase. I believe that would indeed simplify things.”
“Thanks for the offer Phillip, its sweet of you. But no thank you.”
I turned to my closet and started packing. “If anyone gets to kill him, it’s me”, I muttered under my breath.
“You wouldn’t do it. You’re still in love with him.”
I dropped my stuff and sighed. I turned around to face him. “Phillip, I’m not in love with him anymore. I regret that things had to turn out like this. I was happy before he left; then I died and was reborn. But that’s not my life anymore. I don’t want it to be. I’m happy to help the world by taking out the scum who are ruining it for the rest of us. I like my life. Maybe it’s not what everyone would call ideal but I’m content with it. Do I sometimes wish things had turned out different? Of course. I mean who wants to be raped by aliens and left to die? I like this life; I just regret how I got here.”
I bent down to pick up my stuff and continued my packing. I stuffed things into my duffle. Normally I was neat and organized. However, today I didn’t care. As long as I grabbed everything I needed I didn’t care what it all looked like going in my bag.
“You don’t always kill the scum. You’ve killed good people too, Helen. Jane’s organization isn't innocent and perfect.”
“I know.”
Phillip sat back down.
“You were not meant for this life. You have too many feelings. You care too much. Me, I can kill anyone and it wouldn’t bother me.”
I stifled a laugh. At one point everyone said I was the perfect killing machine because I had no feelings. No feelings of regret or sadness. No remorse. But Jane had told me that I couldn't always be a robot. I had to turn it on and off when appropriate. Being able to turn it on and off still made me a robot, just a very advanced one.
“Anyone, Phillip?” I turned to face him. “Could you kill me as easily and without feeling as you would some fat rich businessman in your way?”
He stared at me. He seemed shocked that I’d ask.
“Well, could you? There’s no room for hesitation in this job, Phillip.” I picked up one of my guns and tossed it to him. He caught it. “Do it. I’ve obviously become too emotional for this job. You’ve said so yourself. But I can't go back to what I knew. So put me out of my misery.”
I stepped closer until I stood directly in front of him. He sat in the chair looking up at me.
“It’s point blank. Takes no skill at all. You can handle that, can't you? Would it be better if I turned around so you didn’t have to see my face? You could pretend I am someone else.”
I looked down at him. He stood up and looked down into my eyes. He lifted the pistol. I kept my breath even and steady. I wasn't afraid of death. Worse had happened to me. I didn’t even fear torture anymore. I told Nick I feared nothing and I meant it.
Phillip looked at the gun and then at me. He whipped it across my face. My head jerked to the side and pain blossomed across my cheek and jaw. I tasted blood in my mouth. I spat it out onto the carpet. I didn’t care if it stained. I’d pay for it to get cleaned or replaced when I left here.
I grabbed the gun from his hand and looked him straight in the eyes. “Too much emotion, Phillip. Too
much emotion.”
He pushed past me and walked to the door. He opened it up.
“You shouldn’t let emotion get the better of you in this job. Emotion kills, Phillip. How many times have you told me that?”
He slammed the door as he left. I went to the bathroom and cleaned up. I would swell but nothing was broken; I would heal quickly. I didn’t lose any teeth and I didn’t bite my tongue, which was good. Phillip and I had both undergone training on how to do this, not to break anything, but to cause pain. Sometimes your inferiors needed some persuasion. However, you don’t incapacitate your allies. You just remind them who’s in charge.
I finished packing my stuff. I saw it as a good sign that Phillip hadn’t shot me. He could have. I wouldn’t have stopped him. If I died I died. It wasn't the worst thing that could happen. I didn’t want to die but anyone in this business knew that anytime you left home it could happen. Any mission could go wrong. Even the best had to fail eventually. The key was not to be afraid of it. If you didn’t worry about death, you could get on with the job and give it the focus it deserved.
I sighed and looked at the door. I had hoped Phillip would come back so we didn’t part like this. Phillip and I weren’t a team, but when either of us had to have a partner we requested each other. Neither of us would work with anyone else. We were friends. That’s all there was to it. In this life of solitude we counted on each other. I sighed and grabbed my bag.
I looked over the file Jane had left for me in my room. This job was a two person. Great. I would be alone. He wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t trust my life with anyone else. I had a lot of enemies and I didn’t trust anyone else to watch my back. I looked over the file. This should have been given to a special ops team. I frowned. What the hell was I doing getting this? I focused so much on my folder that I almost ran into someone. But I sensed their presence in time and side stepped. I walked by them and they turned around to follow me. I looked up and turned.
“What are you doing here?”
“I heard you were leaving. Is it because of me?”
I frowned. “No, I have a job. Infiltration requires a specialist. I am to meet everyone in Paris tomorrow after I am finished.”
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