No Life, Only Death

by Francheska Fifield

  “I see you are still living, General. It is a good thing. That man Gabe refused to tell me your situation. I could only guess the trouble you got yourself into.”

  I smiled and saluted. “Nothing compared to what we will be getting into, General.”

  “Yes, I hear we are out to save the universe.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  He clapped his hands together and I lowered my salute. Even as someone that abandoned the military in an act of treason, I didn’t need to salute anymore. Old habits die hard.

  “Excellent. Let’s get this show on the road. I thought it might be prudent to clear up the two colony planets that are infested. Your man, Gabe, has said they have already started on this planet, so I will need him in the meeting to give me details. I think we should stay here and send out small jets to wipe them off our planets, then pack up and meet their fleet, and take out their home world. No use wasting resources when we have some here. Does this sound like a plan to you?”

  I nodded. “It could work if we hurry. They will be able to warn their fleet, so we need to do a one day strike on all of their camps at once.”

  “Recon the next two days and then strike on day three. Those not going out can prepare to launch. Now let’s get to the meeting room to plot and plan.”

  I nodded, and then waved to Phillip and Gabe. They would have to be there. Gabe had refused to let us be involved in anything until we were fully healed, not even a scratch left to tell that we had been up to no good. Today was the day the ships arrived, so no one did anything but await their arrival. In short, we missed all the fun. Gabe said he would think we would have had enough fun already. Guess the soldiers in us would never die.

  The meeting went well enough. We paired up and got into stealth ships to start scouting. This was my territory. Phillip and ‘Friend’ would mark all of the info that the scouts sent back, and set up a battle strategy for a one day hit. It went well. The next two days I spent flying around a rookie that was learning the planes. It did not bother me much; he was a mechanic and would fix us up if anything went wrong. That tends to endear you to a person, even if they are over eager to learn.

  Phillip and the general had a plan ready by the end of the second day. I came back from my last flight. Two scouts were still out searching their quadroon to make sure we missed nothing. I jumped out and helped my rookie, who had absolutely no sense of balance, get out. He thanked me, and then followed me to where we went to hand in our gear and check in. Everything would be prepared for tomorrow when we would strike. The jets would be refueled, made possible by the huge storage tanks on the battle cruisers, and missiles prepared.

  I handed my helmet off to some guy and turned to help my partner.

  “You are a mess.”

  He nodded and let me help, handing his helmet over as well.

  “I’m going to go change. I’ll see you in the planning room.”

  I nodded and he practically ran across the field. I shook my head. Over eager. Tomorrow I hoped I got someone with more experience.

  “He seems to have taken to you fast.”

  I turned back to see it was Nick that was taking my gear and writing down the information on my jet. What was he doing here?

  “Why are you here?”

  “The general recruited me. How do you think he knew how to get in touch with Gabe?”

  My face clouded with fury. “If he wanted to, he could have been bringing these ships to blow us to hell! Do you have any idea what could have happened? Phillip and I would have even been too weak to run away! We could have all been killed!” Maybe I was blowing this out of proportion, but if the general had decided we were traitors, it was not that farfetched from what would have actually happened. His face contorted with anger.

  “I’m not stupid. I know what could have happened, but it did not, so can’t you just say thank you and get over your stubbornness? Last time I checked, it is because of me that you will have any chance to beat the enemy. You couldn’t have expected to do it with small ships.”

  I huffed. “Shows how much you know. We were going to blow the hell out of the ships and then self-destruct, making sure to take them with us.”

  “Well, I think this is a better option, don’t you?”

  I laughed. “You still don’t get it. If things go bad, the backup plan is to drive them into the fleet or home worlds, depending how far along we are. We are all most likely going to die anyway. All you have done is add more people to the death count.” I tossed my backpack and turned to hit the showers. I had time before the meeting.

  He scowled after me and moved on to the next people in line. None of them seemed phased by my outburst. That is because he was the only one that could not face the reality that we would, in all likelihood, end up dead. Everyone else knew and accepted it; he was still fighting the truth. Dumb ass. He had always been too stubborn for his own good.

  I showered when I got back to my room on the ship. Everything had been packed up onto the ship that did not have to do with the mission tomorrow. It was nice to not be sleeping on the ground. The best part was we all had our own rooms. I dressed and lay down. I had to wait for the other pilots to arrive before our final meeting began, so I had a few minutes to relax.

  I opened my eyes to a knock on the door, and then looked out the window. Why was it sunset? Damn, I had fallen asleep and most likely missed the meeting.

  “Come in.”

  I sat up and fingered combed my hair. Why had no one woke me up? I would give hell to every ass on this ship.

  “Morning. The general figured you dozed and Phillip said you needed it, that you have not slept in two days. So, someone is going to fill you in later.”

  I scowled. Phillip and the general. At least now, I knew whom to kill.

  “Thanks.”

  Nick nodded and leaned against the doorframe, as I stood and put my gun in its holster on my upper thigh, then grabbed my knife that went in the other. I always wore these things, almost always. I had not been allowed to at the academy, but during my normal everyday life I did.

  “Can I help you?”

  “I told the general what you said. He agreed that we would most likely all die. He did say though that, as a leader, you should know better than to tell the troops to expect anything but victory. It’s bad for morale.”

  I snorted. “The inspiration here isn’t morale. It is knowing that we will die to save others. That can be just as big a motivator and the general knows it. Everyone else here accepts we will most likely die. Why can’t you?”

  “I’m just as stubborn as you.”

  I waited for a real reason. He smiled and I laughed. I grabbed my coat; it could get chilly here, and threw it on. Luckily, my trench coat was one of the things I had packed for this trip. I had two small guns hidden in pockets.

  “Yes, well, you hold onto your beliefs. Whatever works for you. I have a general and partner to kill.”

  I brushed by him and left my apartment. He followed and the door closed automatically behind us.

  “Why are you so insistent on dying? Phillip told me about your injuries.”

  “I’m fine.”

  He sighed and increased his pace to keep up with me. I so did not want to have this conversation right now.

  “I know you are now. Thanks to some miracle drug. Do you know that that kills just as many people as it helps? There is only a fifty-fifty chance you would even live.”

  I nodded. I knew now, but I hadn’t before, until after Gabe had briefed me the other day, that is.

  “You took it knowing you could die.”

  I stopped as he stepped in front of me. “I didn’t know until three days later, when I was up for good.” I stepped around him and kept walking. Or tried before he grabbed my arm.

  “Gabe gave it to you not knowing your opinion on the matter?”

  I sighed and shook my arm loose. “No, he gave it to me knowing it was what I would tell him to do if I was conscious. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have
some business to attend to.”

  He stepped in front of me again and I briefly wondered how angry the general would be with me if I knocked Nick around a bit.

  “You have people who care enough about you to take care of you. Why couldn’t you just heal the normal way?”

  “Let’s get a few things straight. I do not need anyone to take care of me. I have done great so far in my life. Yes, Phillip backs me up sometimes, but he went there for his own reasons, not mine. This whole damn operation is under my control. The general has control of the ships but I have control over the mission. I am, or was, a general too, in case you have forgotten. You have no right to question my authority or decisions.

  “If you have problems with the plan, bring them up in a meeting. Otherwise, stick to doing your job and keep the personal issues to yourself. Personal drama is more likely to get us all killed than anything else is, including our acceptance of death. Is that understood, soldier?”

  I could not worry about hurting feelings. I knew I should not do it, but he was not leaving me much other option. This was about saving humanity. Which seemed a bit more important than hurting his feelings. People could be so obsessive. He saluted, but before he could give me an affirmative, I heard clapping. I looked over at the end of the hallway with the scowl still on my face. Phillip was there, clapping at my speech.

  “The general wanted to meet with you. A pilot had a glitch. He says you are the foremost experienced pilot on this damn planet and he wants advice, General.”

  I knew he was being a smart ass with the last comment. He was not in the military; he owed me no allegiance in that department. I turned back to give Nick a “dismissed soldier”, and ran to Phillip.

  “Phillip, could you find my flying partner? He is supposed to be an expert, and if it is a mechanical problem, we will see how good he is. I will see the general and be right out. If it is a problem with the pilot, I intend to fix it tonight. We can have no glitches tomorrow.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  I nodded and ran ahead of him. I was a general still, whether I counted myself as one or not, and it seemed now was the time to play the part.

  The problem ended up being the pilot. I took him up and showed him a few tricks. He felt more comfortable afterwards, but unfortunately, that meant that many other pilots asked if I would take them up and help them get over a few issues as well. I ended up taking up every pilot and mechanic, one at a time. It was long and tiresome.

  The general then asked me to take up some rookies that were working to become pilots. He said he did not trust anyone else to be able to handle any situation alone. Therefore, I did. They talked and asked questions; one even threw up. I told him his flying career ended here and now. He seemed to agree and decided to switch his major. Poor kid.

  The worst was when I had to take Nick up. He did not ask questions, except about the jet and handling her. He did not annoy me. It was tense and awkward. I flew around, and then decided to set down and let him take her for a spin. He seemed to have a good grasp on things and I was tired. I did not want to crash just because my eyes refused to stay open.

  “What are we doing?”

  “You are driving so I don’t fall asleep and kill us. I have had an hour and a half of sleep in the past two days, and only four hours between the two before that. Five and a half hours of sleep in four days is not enough. Or, we could let me fly back, crash us, and ruin the plane.”

  He shook his head and we jumped out to switch seats. I looked around and flinched. Damn, I had to land us here, didn’t I?

  “Did you mean to land us here?”

  “No.”

  He looked around too. This had been where our old village was. It was nothing but a dirt pile now. It had been burnt to the ground. The last time I had been anywhere near here was months ago, when I came to say goodbye. Even then, I had not gone to where my home had been. Just my place of death and rebirth.

  “Must be hard to see.”

  “I came to say my goodbyes for good on my birthday. Jane said I needed to finish letting go. I could not move forward until I let go of the past. So, I came and did it. It was… easier than I thought. Yet it took me years to realize it was what I needed to do.”

  He nodded and came over to stand next to me. He put his arm around my shoulder. I did not shrug it off. I looked over at him; he was staring at me, waiting, for what I did not know though.

  When he leaned closer, I did not move. I should have but I didn’t. When he gently touched his lips to mine, I should have moved, but I didn’t. When he pulled me tighter against him and I should have moved, all I did was press myself closer, kissing him more aggressively.

  This was all wrong and I knew it; he should as well. But damn, it felt good to let him hold me and show me how much he still cared for me. I was drowning in sorrow and he pulled me up.

  It was terrific, and I knew I would let it go farther than it should when our radio sent off a signal. I pulled away, jumped into the jet, and pushed the button to activate my headset.

  “Are you guys coming anytime soon? Dinner is cold and I know you did not eat anything before going out. I was actually bitten trying to save some food for you. I mean its past dark, get a move on.”

  I smiled. “Phillip, I doubt you were bitten. You are right though, I am starved. We will be back soon. I was pulling over to let Nick drive, so I can sleep on the way back.”

  “Affirmative. Man, this military lingo is cool.”

  “Over and out.” I threw that in just for him. I knew he loved this shit. I always told him he would not if it was required. “Let’s go, we have a group back home waiting. Apparently, fights are breaking out over food.”

  I got in the front seat, forgetting that I wanted Nick to drive. I needed something to concentrate on now.

  “You can’t ignore this forever.”

  I started her back up and flipped switches here and there. Thank God we would have this done before going into battle. These things were a pain to power up. “Ignore what?”

  He sighed, obviously annoyed with my denial ability, I exceeded at deniability.

  “Ignore the situation we keep getting ourselves into. You can say you don’t care for me all you want, but you kissed me back, just barely. You could have pulled away. You didn’t. Doesn’t that tell you anything?”

  “Yeah, I should take Phillip’s advice and get laid. It might mellow me out.”

  He sighed and pushed the back of my seat. I was pretty sure he punched it, but these things had great dampeners. “There is nothing to tell. Everyone feels lust at some point. Nothing to be ashamed about. In fact, I am a bit relieved, I was starting to think my rape had ruined me forever in that department.”

  “So, you kissed me out of lust. Because you’ve never had sex before and your body thinks it’s time you started.”

  I knew it was not a question so much as sarcasm, but I felt the need to answer. Meaning I felt the need to give the sarcasm right back.

  “We have been through this. We had a great thing. It is gone, does not exist, and blew up with this planet’s destruction. Take your pick for favorite wording. I mean, I do not know how much more obvious I can make it. I am not Celeste and you are not the same Nick. You may be the same deep down, but even if that is the case, I am not. I don’t want to go chasing things in the past which I know I can’t have again.”

  “What if you could?”

  I sighed. I had dreamed of those words before. When I was new to this life. When I had wanted to turn back time. However, I had stopped dreaming long ago and I was not about to give him any hope in that department. I was changed and I could not go back. I was not fit to raise sheep and milk cows all day. I was military; mercenary through and through. He had to accept and deal with that.

  “Look, I understand this is hard for you. I continued with life knowing you were alive and that it was not the same anymore. You thought I was dead until recently. Of course you want to go back and do things over, or correct past mist
akes, but…”

  “You think that’s what I want? To correct past mistakes? I do not think I made a mistake. Leaving you there alone wasn’t smart, I’ll admit, but I wouldn’t change my opinion to join up.”

  “So, we are right back to where we started. Me raped and angry, hating you or dead. Look, I am not the girl who will sit around waiting for you anymore. I won’t be your little wife, hosting parties to your successful military career. If anything, the roles would be reversed. I have made general and I like my job. I am not likely to give it up to be some housewife. This is not a man’s military anymore. I am my own person now; I don’t need your love and approval to live.”

  “So, there’s no hope.”

  “No, there isn’t. I am not giving up my career and you would not even give up yours if you could go back in time. At least I would change what happened. You want everything to stay the same.”

  “Doesn’t that mean I have moved on better than you?”

  At this moment, the base came into view and I contacted them to let them know we were coming in. I briefly wondered if I could crash in a way to hurt him but not me. Then I remembered the jet needed to be working tomorrow, so I chose the high road. Lucky for him too. He was getting on my nerves. Phillip was waiting; after landing, I took my helmet off and jumped out.

  “Thought the rookie was driving.”

  “He annoyed me and I wanted to get here fast. He could not do that and keep us whole. Therefore, I drove. Where is the food, I am starved?”

  Phillip nodded and took my helmet, tossing it to a mechanic who would see to everything. Tune up; fill up, and so on. Nick ran to catch up to us and grabbed my arm, causing me to lose my balance. Phillip grabbed my other arm to steady me and glared at Nick.

  “This conversation isn’t over.”

  My eyes narrowed, seeing him as prey. No one grabbed me like that. He did not seem to get the hint to back off. Phillip released my other arm; I swung and connected with Nick’s jaw, before he saw it coming. That made him let go.