by L. C. Davis
“Sebastian,” Clara hissed. “Don't do this.”
He looked sharply at her. “Stay quiet or get out. This is an executive decision.”
She looked between us, fuming. “Ulric will be hearing about this,” she said, stalking off to somewhere else in the infirmary.
He focused on me, his brown eyes glaring. I couldn't meet them, not anymore. “I'll ask you one more time. What did you do to Maverick?”
I opened my mouth to speak but only a strangled cry I barely managed to choke back came out. “I killed him,” I whispered.
“How?”
I swallowed hard. “I-I don't know. I didn't mean to,” I said, knowing those words were futile. From past experience, I knew that “I didn't mean to,” and “He attacked me,” were equally meaningless excuses in Sebastian's eyes. Now they were meaningless to me, too. I could make whatever excuses I wanted, but two dead bodies were an iron-clad argument against any measure of human self-delusion I had left.
“You bit him, though. You fed from him,” he pressed.
“Come on, Sebastian,” said Brendan. He sounded just as disgusted as Clara. He probably knew trying to draw answers from a monster was a lost cause. Why he wasn't ripping out my throat himself after what I'd done I had no idea.
Sebastian ignored him. “You fed from him, didn't you?”
“Yes,” I said weakly. I wasn't sobbing anymore, but fresh tears streaked my temples.
“You took enough to kill him.”
“No!” I raised my head. “No, I didn't. Brendan saw,” I said, overtaken by confusion once again. “It isn't possible. It must have been the trance, I was so careful when I bit him. I never wanted to hurt him, not Maverick.”
“The trance?” He frowned.
My head fell back onto the pillow and I stared at the ceiling. “He was scared and his master was being cruel, so I put him in a trance. I didn't want to bite him.”
“Then why did you?”
“Because Mr. Hall would have taken it out on Maverick if I had said no.”
“And why would you give a shit about that?” he demanded.
I flinched. “Because he was my friend.” My voice started trembling at the word. Friend was a title I didn't deserve.
“I thought you didn't care about anyone but Victor,” he muttered.
I shook my head. “Victor makes me feel. You don't need to feel emotion to love someone,” I realized as I spoke.
“And you loved Maverick?”
Even the deeper breath wasn't enough to fill my burning lungs. “Yes.”
“And now he's gone. Now you've killed him. Does that make you feel anything, anything at all?”
Clara's heels pounded the tile violently and the door slammed behind her as she stalked out of the room.
“Yes,” I replied shakily.
“What?” He was relentless.
I shut my eyes tight and struggled through the pain gripping my heart like a vice. The stake had been nothing. I hadn't been able to feel anything but the paltriest hint of emotion in the past few months unless I was with Victor, and I wasn't prepared for this in body, mind or soul—even if I only had two out of the three left.
“I feel...” I trailed off, at a loss for words to describe exactly what it was. My eyes opened and clarity returned. My breaths deepened and the vice began to loosen in my chest. “I feel like I want to die,” I said, my voice strong and sure now that I had the answer.
Sebastian looked taken aback. “What? You don't mean that.”
“Yes, I do,” I insisted. “That's what you're getting at, right? You want me to volunteer before you do it.”
“W-what?” he stammered. “Before I do what?”
“Put me down for killing Maverick,” I said, growing impatient with all his obfuscating. Sometimes the dumb routine was more inconvenient than endearing. “You kill vampires all the time, it won't be hard. Especially not for you. Then you'll be free of the mark, and I won't be able to do hurt anyone ever again.”
“See what you've done?” Brendan growled. “Fucking asshole.”
Sebastian kept his eyes on me, ignoring him. They were filled with concern for the first time since I remembered. “I'm not gonna do that, Remus. I'm sorry. Brendan is right, this was a terrible idea, but I had to take the opportunity. Maverick isn't dead, he's fine. You didn't kill him.”
I shook my head. “Don't lie to me, Sebastian. That's the only thing thing I've ever been able to count on you for, telling me the truth.”
“I'm not lying,” he said, his voice softening. “I'm so sorry. I just had to know if you were still in there, if there was any part of you that was still my soulmate.”
“There isn't,” I laughed bitterly. “You can't be so stupid that you haven't figured that out by now! Remus is gone. I killed the Jeff's parents and I killed Clive Burns. I lured him to me, I manipulated you and Victor into leaving so I could hunt people. Even though I changed my mind at the last minute, it was too late. Maybe subconsciously I knew he was a monster, too, maybe I wanted an excuse --”
Sebastian frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“When he attacked me, I could have kept running or tried to fight him off, but I didn't,” I continued, feeling a weight lift off my chest with confession. Maybe it was good whether you had a soul or not. “I killed Clive and now I've killed one of the only people in this world who's ever given a damn about me. I deserve to die.”
“Remus, wait, he --”
“No,” I interrupted, narrowing my eyes at him. “You have to do this, Sebastian. You're the only one who sees me for what I am. Kill me before Victor gets back, before I have the chance to hurt anyone else we love.”
Sebastian stood slowly, backing away. “Go get Clara,” he said to Brendan in a hushed tone.
The door slammed again and we were alone. I glared at him. “Stop being a fucking coward and kill me, Sebastian. We both know it's what you've wanted to do ever since you saw me that night in the ballroom. Go into your beastform if you have to, at least it's not afraid of me.”
He stared at me in a mixture of horror and sadness, but I could only imagine what for. He said nothing until the door opened and Brendan walked back in with Clara.
“He's hysterical, you have to sedate him,” said Sebastian.
“It's no wonder,” she hissed, stalking over to a cabinet near her broken refrigerator. Whatever had happened in Maverick's final moments, it must have culminated in a struggle. Maybe Mr. Hall was dead now, too. I couldn't say I would have grieved his loss under normal circumstances, but he was important to Maverick, and the idea of another body's weight on my filthy soul was too much.
“I'm not hysterical,” I said, my voice perfectly calm. “I just want to die, that's all. You all kill vampires, don't pretend like it's an odd request.”
Clara gave Sebastian a look more hateful than she seemed capable of and held a syringe over me. I recognized it as the sedative she had used before and started struggling violently to strain away from it. One of the straps broke, giving me incentive to keep going. “No! I'm not crazy!”
“Hold him down!” Clara yelled.
Sebastian's hands grasped me firmly, rendering all my efforts moot. I hissed viciously as Brendan held my head to one side so Clara could give me the shot. As soon as the needle pierced my flesh, I stopped struggling. This wasn't the same sedative she had used on me before. A warm burning sensation spread out from my neck all the way to my fingertips and toes in a matter of seconds, rendering my body limp.
Sebastian's hold loosened and he stepped away from the bed. “I'm so sorry,” he repeated, watching me like he was looking at a barely restrained animal. “Please forgive me.”
My eyelids grew heavy. “Fucking...coward,” I slurred.
“What did you give him?” Sebastian asked warily.
“Sedative laced with concentrated wolfsbane, rose extract, garlic and holy water, for good measure,” she said.
“Holy water? I thought you were a Buddhist.”
She rolled her eyes. “You can be holy in more than one religion.”
“More to the point, won't all that stuff hurt him?” Sebastian asked warily. “Vampires and garlic don't mix.”
“No,” said Clara. “Not that you were concerned with his wellbeing a moment ago. Vampires can only really be harmed by a wooden stake. The herbs just make him more susceptible to the sedative. He won't be feeling well for some time, though, and he has you to thank for that.”
I tuned out from the rest of their argument. It was getting harder and harder to keep my eyes open. When they finally shut, all I could see was Maverick's face.
3
“I can't put him on, he's asleep.” Sebastian's voice was the first thing that greeted me when I had the unfortunate pleasure of opening my eyes again. Sunlight streamed in from Clara's garden window, but it was hard to tell if it was the next morning or the next week.
“No, you shouldn't come back. I've got it under control,” he said, continuing his apparent one-sided argument. “Uh-huh. Well, if I had it my way you wouldn't be around him either, but Brendan's not here and Clara stayed up with him all night.”
Another long pause. “At least give me the chance to fix my fuckup. Oh, hey, he's up,” he said, looking in my direction. “I gotta go, sorry. Yeah, you're welcome to do that when you get back but you're gonna have to get in line.” He hung up while the person on the other line was still talking, or rather yelling.
“Was that Victor?” The sound of my own voice made my head throb.
“Yeah,” he said, pocketing his phone as he came over. “How're you feeling?”
I tried to shrug but I was still restrained. My mind may have been awake, but my body still felt partially paralyzed with the deep sleep Clara's strange cocktail had sent me into.
“Sore,” I said. Not that I had the right to complain. Maverick wasn't feeling anything at all.
“Yeah, Clara said you'd be messed up for a while,” he said, pulling up a stool beside the bed. “Listen, we need to talk about last night.”
“Not much to talk about.”
“Yes, there is. I lied to you. Maverick is fine, I sent Brendan to his house this morning to prove it,” he said, taking out the phone. He scrolled through his gallery before he pulled up a picture of my friend holding up a newspaper with the same date as the one on the phone.
He gave me a confused frown when he saw my lack of reaction. I wasn't fully sure I understood it myself. “I thought you'd be happy. He's alive, he's fine.”
“It could be doctored.”
He sighed, raking a hand through his hair. “I can barely check my email, you know I can't use image editing software.”
“What about the blood?”
“Victor's. I guess that was what Clara wanted to talk to you about,” he said sheepishly. “Maverick's master had a fit when she asked about the bruises on his arms. He broke the refrigerator with your, uh, doses in it.”
I let it all sink in, staring up at the ceiling. With the facts explained, the emotion from the day before began to fade into a memory, but a strange emptiness remained in its stead.
“I already arranged for his master to bring him to the club later so you can see for yourself,” he added.
“No, I believe you,” I said after a long pause. “I'm glad he's alive, but it doesn't change anything.”
“What? How can it not change anything?” he asked in disbelief.
“Either way, you were right. I'm still a monster and I still can't be trusted around humans, especially not him. I'm still a murderer.”
“Clive attacked you,” he said, echoing my words from the night before. “I should have listened then, but I wasn't ready to hear it. It's not an excuse, but all my life I've thought vampires were these inhuman monsters --”
“You were right.”
“No,” he said, reaching for my hand. I couldn't pull away, but I didn't respond either. “I wasn't. I thought you were gone, but you're not. The way you reacted when you thought you'd hurt Maverick proved that.”
“I'm glad I put on a good show for you,” I said, looking away from him.
His hand slowly drifted away from mine. “What I did was wrong. I know that now. I'll understand if you can't ever forgive me.”
“There's nothing to forgive,” I said. “If anything, I should thank you for giving me a wake-up call before I could really hurt anyone.”
He opened his mouth to argue, but the door flung open. Brendan stomped into the room, holding a plastic bag full of clothes. Mine, from the looks of them. “Came to spring ya, bloodsucker.”
“Why?” I asked warily.
“Because I promised Vic I'd keep an eye on you and I can't do that if you're in here.” He started on one of the restraints and hesitated. “You're not still trying to off yourself, are you?”
“No,” I sighed. “I know that won't work. I'm trying to get Sebastian to off me. There's a difference.
He didn't look convinced, but he kept looking between me and Sebastian. “Well, I'm definitely not leaving you in here,” he decided, setting to work on my restraints. “You're coming with me.”
Sebastian didn't look happy, but he didn't argue either. “Does Clara know you're taking him?”
“No, but she didn't say no and I've learned not to give her the chance. Besides, I'm pretty sure she doesn't know you're here., either.”
“She does,” he muttered.
“Huh. Must have been desperate for sleep,” said Brendan, undoing my last restraint. He made it look so effortless I could only assume that bondage was another one of his specialties.
I sat up and Brendan stopped me with a hand on my chest. “Easy,” he said, putting an arm around my shoulders for support. “Don't want you to pass out again.”
“Technically I was tranquilized,” I reminded him.
“Yeah,” he said with a short laugh. “Like an elephant.”
I wasn't sure I appreciated the analogy, but I let him help me to my feet while Sebastian stood by watching unhappily. “Take care of him,” he said in a sullen tone.
Brendan scoffed. “Get dressed, Remus. We're going into town.”
“Is that really a good idea?” Sebastian asked pointedly.
“He's sedated, what's he gonna do? Make a run for it in the produce aisle and fall on his face?”
“No, he's right,” I said. “I don't trust myself to be around people right now.”
“Yeah, I know that's what Vic and the old man think, but as far as I can tell it's just making you into a neurotic bundle of nerves. Even vamps need fresh air.” He paused. “I think.”
“If you're taking him out of the Lodge, I'm going with you.”
Brendan rolled his eyes. “Like I can't handle mini-Drac over here?”
“Don't underestimate him. He's not just a vampire, he's got the psychic trait. You don't have experience with shielding.”
Brendan eyed me cautiously for the first time since all of this had happened. “Yeah, alright, fine. Just none of your bullshit from yesterday, and only if it's cool with him.”
I stared at him, shocked that someone in the Lodge besides Clara was actually asking for my opinion. “Uh, yeah,” I said stiffly. “It's fine, I don't care.”
Brendan shrugged. “Get changed then, we'll be outside,” he said, walking out of the room. He paused the door when Sebastian lingered. “Uh, dude?”
The massive wolf sighed and followed my champion out of the room. I opened the bag and made quick work of changing into the skinny jeans and flowy gray-striped top before they could change their minds. I still wasn't sure about being around people, but the fact that I would be flanked by two of the strongest wolves in the pack eased my concerns a bit. That and the tranquilizer made it hard enough for me to put one foot in front of the other, never mind coordinate an attack. Anyway, if Victor and Ulric had their way, I'd probably never get the chance to see daylight again.
Even so, the knowledge that Maverick was alive had done nothing to cha
nge the decision I'd come to the night before. If I really was a danger to humans to the point where it wasn't safe to be around them at all, I needed to be put down. If Sebastian wouldn't do it, I would just have to find someone who would.
A minute later, I slipped out of the room to find Sebastian and Brendan waiting in silence on the other side. Whenever they were together they had a habit of talking incessantly like a pair of junior high girls. The fact that neither of them had a word to say could only be attributed to the events of the night before.
“Looking good,” Brendan smirked. “And Foster says I have no sense of style.”
I glanced down at my outfit. “You have better taste than I do,” I admitted. He had picked the one pair of jeans that were usually so tight I could hardly breathe in them, but I hadn't been eating lately, so even they fit loosely.
“Come on,” he said, motioning for me to follow him down the hall that led to the staff parking lot. Sebastian followed at a distance and when Brendan flung the outside door open, it felt like a scene out of a classic vampire movie. I retreated back into the shadows of the Lodge and hissed. Now I knew it was a purely involuntary reflex.
“Oh, right,” said Brendan, pulling the door shut. “Forgot about that.”
“You had to pick the one sunny day in coastal Washington to go out,” I muttered. “It's fine, you go. I'll stay here.”
“Oh, stop being a martyr. Tell you what, you can wear my shades and I'm sure I have a jacket in the car. Watch him for a sec, Sebastian,” he said, disappearing outside.
“Are you alright?” Sebastian asked. “It's gotten a lot worse, hasn't it?”
“I'm drinking blood regularly. Ulric said all the vampire traits would be exaggerated,” I said.
“Right, because the werewolf half was suppressing them before?”
I shrugged. Brendan returned a moment later carrying an old varsity jacket and the pair of the pricey designer sunglasses he was always wearing. “Put these on.”
I took the glasses and slipped them on. The lenses were so darkly tinted that I could hardly see anything inside the Lodge. That was a good sign. He draped his jacket around my shoulders and patted the top of my head. “Congrats. You're officially the first guy I've given this to who I wasn't planning to bang later.”