by L. C. Davis
This wasn't just a feeding. Sebastian's blood was a sacrifice.
My fangs broke the surface and all the pleasures and mysteries of the forest flooded my mouth. It was hard to tell if the taste of it was more pleasing to the vampire in me or to the wolf. In that moment, it was hard to tell them apart.
Sebastian let out a muffled groan, but it wasn't the same sound of pleasure that Victor or even Brendan had made when I bit them. That should have been my first warning.
I drank slowly, resisting the mounting urge to fill myself with enough of him that the difference between us came negligible. It was a traitorous desire, but I hadn't been fully myself since the moment his blood had hit my tongue.
A strangled cry brought me back enough to break contact at the same time as Victor scruffed me like a pup, all but flinging me away from Sebastian.
“Stop,” he growled, lurching forward as Sebastian dropped to his knees.
I watched in horror as Victor's hands found the other wolf's shoulders, now racked with tremors. Sebastian held his wrist so tightly that the blood was all but spurting from the two small incisions my fangs had made.
“What's wrong?” I cried. Memories of the moment I had “learned” of Maverick's death flashed through my mind. The fact that the terror had been unfounded didn't stop it from being real and my mind couldn't let it go. My throat clenched at the thought that I had truly harmed Sebastian. “Did I hurt him?”
“No,” Victor said, his tone softening as he looked back at me. “Let me handle this.”
I could only watch helplessly as Victor knelt in front of his shell-shocked brother, giving his massive shoulders a tight squeeze. “Sebastian,” he said in a slow, deliberate tone, “look at me.”
He didn't. His bloodshot eyes remained fixed on the blood pouring out of his wrist. A low growl was building slowly in his throat. Victor took his hand and slowly but surely released Sebastian's vice grip on his own arm. He took out the handkerchief he always carried to wrap it around his brother's wrist. Sebastian hadn't stopped staring at the same spot the entire time and his growl kept building.
In that moment, I realized why Victor was there. It wasn't my reaction they had been afraid of, it was Sebastian's. Despite all the control he had gained, there was still the very real possibility of him shifting into his berserker state. The fact that a single bite from me had been enough to cause it cut more deeply than I would ever admit.
“Hey,” Victor soothed, reaching out with his other hand to sweep a damp lock of hair away from Sebastian's face. “Easy, boy. You're alright.”
Sebastian's lip curled back in the beginnings of a snarl. “Get him out of the room,” he said, keeping his head turned like he was trying to avoid looking at me. “This was a mistake.”
“No,” Victor said firmly. “You have to get over this.”
“If I shift, I'll kill him,” he roared.
Victor took the other wolf's face in his hands, forcing eye contact. “You're not going to hurt him. You love him as much as I do, and until you realize that, none of this can move forward.”
Sebastian's chest exploded in a growl of frustration, but Victor held him fast. He could have easily overpowered Victor but, to my amazement, he didn't even try.
“I can't,” he said through clenched teeth. Defeat was unmistakable in his voice and his posture. “I know it's him, but all I can see is --”
“I know,” Victor coaxed, actively stroking his hair now. “I know, but it's never going to get better unless you face it. It's not like when we were kids, little brother. We're strong now, especially you. In fact, you're so strong that your fear has become a liability we can't afford to indulge anymore, not where Remus is concerned.”
Victor's efforts to calm him seemed to be working when Sebastian doubled over, gripping his head as a fresh wave of agony washed over him. I rushed forward but felt myself gently pushed back by an invisible wall. Another one of Victor's hidden talents.
Sebastian was on his hands and knees, his nails clawing at the floor until they were bloodied. The continuous growl turned into snarling and I could see the all too familiar particles of shadow beginning to hover around his prostrate form.
“Sebastian,” Victor cried, less than collected for the first time since I could remember. If he were a vampire, it was becoming clear that Sebastian would be the exception to his emotional blankness just as Victor was mine. “Fight it, brother.”
“I'm...trying,” Sebastian gritted out. There was another layer to his voice, like someone else was talking with him. His eyes met mine for an instant and it was obvious that all they saw in me was prey.
Or maybe to him I was the predator.
“Sebastian,” I began tentatively, “listen to him. You're the strongest person I know. Whatever happened in the past, it's not still happening. I know what it's like for a memory to be so strong it just takes over everything, but you're surrounded by people who love you now. Victor and I both love you. No matter what's happened between us, you have to know we'd never try to hurt you.”
I swallowed hard. He seemed to be listening and Victor hadn't stopped me, so I continued, “I know we have hurt you anyway, and I know you still don't trust me. That's okay, because part of me doesn't trust you either, but I want to. You being gone made me realize that as much as I want to pretend I only love you because you're Victor's brother,” I took a deep breath, knowing that what I was about to admit could never be undone, “but I don't. Like it or not, after all we've been through there's part of me that sees you both as brothers. I already know what it's like to lose each of you, and the only thing worse than losing both of you would be knowing that I drove you two apart.”
I only realized that I had been moving closer when Sebastian inched away, still more animal than human. The shadow cloak had grown denser and it retreated with him. “Don't,” he growled in warning.
“I have to,” I said, falling to my knees in front of him as Victor had done. “Rebuilding trust has to start somewhere. If the three of us can't trust and heal each other, then we have no chance of protecting this pack and standing against the hunters.”
“Remus,” Victor warned as I reached out and touched Sebastian's cheek. He flinched at the touch, but he didn't push me away.
“I can't hold it off,” Sebastian said, addressing only Victor. It was a plea. “Get him out of here.”
“No,” I said when Victor reached for me, forcing myself to hold his gaze. The wolf in me squirmed and whined in discomfort, but something else held fast. “I still don't agree with this courtship nonsense, but the last thing the pack needs is for it to be postponed because one of the candidates for alpha thinks he's going to kill his potential mate. Am I wrong?”
Victor watched me in silence. He wasn't about to give me an actual response.
“Like you said, this is a liability we can't afford,” I pressed, turning back to Sebastian. “If there's really some part of you that's capable of killing me, then everything is lost anyway.”
He hung his head in shame and I took his face in my hands as Victor had done. “You won't,” I said softly. “You won't hurt me.”
“You don't know that,” he growled.
“I know you,” I said, sweeping my thumb over his stubble. “Better than anyone except Victor. My mind is filled with the same doubts as yours, but in my heart, Sebastian, I know you could never truly hurt either of us. I think I always have, even when I was just a vampire.”
His eyes searched mine, pleading. Whether it was a plea for my words to be true or for me to leave, I didn't have time to ask. He doubled over again with a fierce snarl and I barely caught him in my arms, struggling to hold him as he writhed against me.
“Remus, that's enough,” Victor said, grabbing my arm as the dark cloud of particles rose around us. For the first time since this had all began, he sounded afraid. “He's too far into the shift, you can't stop him now.”
“I don't want to,” I cried, clinging to Sebastian who had turned his attentio
n to fighting himself rather than me. Again, I looked Victor in the eyes and I couldn't mistake the look of surprise on his face when I didn't back down. I felt his mental push and blocked it instinctively. If he wanted to be on equal footing, he could deal with it.
Victor's eyes widened when he realized what my plan was. “You mean to let him shift.”
“He has to at some point. At least in here he can't hurt anyone else.”
“He'll tear you apart if he gets hold of you,” Victor growled. “This isn't like what happened in Austin. He's wounded and his head is in a different place. He doesn't have his usual control.”
“Good, then this is the worst it can ever get. One way or another, we'll settle the question.” I said, my voice far steadier than my hands. I was grateful to hide them in Sebastian's hair as I caressed it to comfort him in his agony. Transformation was painful enough for a berserker without fighting it. I looked back at Victor. “Do you trust me or not?”
He set his jaw and I could see the war going on underneath his silence. “Get behind me the moment I tell you to.”
I nodded my assent as the morbid hybrid between a scream of agony and guttural roar bounced off the metal walls. The shadow had enveloped most of Sebastian's legs and torso and was chewing its way through the flesh on his shoulders, arms and neck.
No matter how many times I witnessed a wolf transform, it would never stop making me uneasy. Soon I could look forward to going through the same grisly fate every full moon at least.
“Stop fighting it, Seb,” Victor said through gritted teeth, like it hurt him to say the words. “He's right. We'll never be able to sort this out if his wolf is released only to have you suppress yours.”
Sebastian snarled, but he didn't need words to communicate his displeasure. He shoved me away as the shadow consumed him and became a writhing mass of pain and thrashing until it swelled into a massive back cloud. The cloud began to take on the shape of his massive beastform and I scrambled to my feet.
Victor grabbed me and pulled me behind him just as the shadow receded, revealing the jet black fur of the beast underneath. It shook itself off and bits of blood and what could only be flesh flew off of him.
I watched in a mixture of awe and horror as the mangled wolf approached. He had won the battle with his human side, but that victory came at a cost. He crept closer, his eyes golden eyes fixed on me.
I swallowed hard and forced myself not to look away. It was even harder than not bending to Victor's intimidation. The wolf in me wanted nothing more than to bow in submission and shower Sebastian with all the affectionate greetings owed a long lost friend, but my vampire sensibilities told me that breaking eye contact was a show of weakness and a sure invitation of attack.
Crimson particles floated in the corner of my vision and I could feel Victor preparing to shift.
“Just wait,” I pleaded, knowing that the moment he shifted, the possibility of a battle would become a reality.
“You're out of your damn mind,” he growled, pushing me further behind him.
“You say that like it's not partially your fault.”
The black wolf took another step towards us. He had ceased growling, but a childhood warning about silent dogs being the ones who bit came to mind, robbing me of any consolation that might have provided.
The wolf faltered when his right paw hit the ground and a cry of pain echoed through the room. He stood hunched with his paw lifted off the floor, still dripping blood from my bite.
I was at his side before either Victor or my common sense could stop me. Something feral responded to his cry and I fell to my knees in front of the beast without a second's hesitation.
“Remus,” Victor cried. When he reached for me, the beast snapped at his hand and put himself between us. He circled, keeping his eyes on me the whole time. A low rumble built in his chest as he leaned in, his gleaming teeth inches from my face.
“Stay. still.” Panic was evident in Victor's command even though he kept his voice steady.
I complied, struggling to recall my earlier certainty that Sebastian would never hurt me. It was one thing to trust someone in theory and quite another to trust them when rows of teeth like knives were one snap away from ripping out your throat.
Maybe I couldn't be killed by a stake or a silver blade, but I had no illusions that there would be enough left of me to piece back together if Sebastian truly was set on killing me.
Not that it mattered. I knew now with absolute certainty that the only way we were going to stop the hunters was together, as a family. If we couldn't overcome this, we stood no chance at saving our kind. After all, what family didn't want to kill each other from time to time?
The beast leaned closer and it took all I had to remain still. The soles of my shoes seemed to be on fire, bidding me to run. A gust of air from the beast's snort blew the hair away from my face and when I opened my eyes, I was staring right into his. The wolf's head pressed into mine and his eyes fell shut.
It was then I realized that the rumbling wasn't a growl. It was a purr. It was the same sound my wolf had made and the creature in my soul was clawing and whining to get out in response.
Against my best judgment, I decided t let it. The transformation wasn't a physical one, but I nonetheless realized that I had taken down one wall only to pen the creature in with another.
Another wave of emotion surged through me, but this time it was bittersweet rather than just painful. All the feelings I had suppressed towards Sebastian came flooding back, from the rage and hurt over his abandonment to all the infatuation and feelings of love I had felt for him during our ill-fated whirlwind romance. No matter how hard I tried, the floodgates were open and I couldn't push them back. All I could do was rely on the gifts I had honed to keep these long suppressed feelings in check.
The wolf nuzzled me with care, but the force was still enough to stagger me. His tongue swept across my cheek and his nose pressed into my neck as his purr grew louder.
My hands seemed to tangle in his his ink black fur of their own accord. It was thick and coarser than Victor's, but I wanted to bury myself in it. The wolf took us both down and wrapped himself around me, draping a giant arm around my torso to keep me in place while he sniffed and chuffed and rubbed his face all over me.
“What's he doing?” I asked once the shock had worn off enough to speak.
Victor watched in equal bewilderment. “He's...marking you.”
He must have seen the panic surge in me, because he added, “Not that kind of mark. It's scent marking. Wolves and dogs do it when they want to mark something or someone as theirs.”
The fear in his demeanor had given way to jealousy. It seemed one danger had passed only to be exchanged for another problem.
I stroked Sebastian's fur in an attempt to satisfy him. He was nuzzling me like he intended to devour me through different means, and the size difference between us gave me reason to be almost as wary of his affection as his aggression.
“Why is he like this?”
“Because we were wrong about why he reacted so strangely to the bite,” Victor said coolly. “I thought it was just too much for him to deal with because of his PTSD.”
“But it wasn't?” I ventured. “Isn't that a good thing?”
“It is,” he said in a strange tone. “It's a very good thing. It means he didn't shift involuntarily because his wolf wanted to kill you.”
“Then what did it want?” I asked warily.
He was silent for a long moment, watching us both as Sebastian's head rested contentedly in my lap. A sad smile crossed his lips as he answered, “It wanted its mate.”
22
It was difficult to navigate the first few days in Sebastian's custody after what had happened in the dungeon. Luckily I had managed to get the reigns on my wolf and all the emotions it had dragged out from behind the wall with it, but that all went out the window whenever we were around the primary target of its obsession.
As the weeks passed, I ke
pt the talking to a minimum and always found reasons to keep busy and stay with the pack unless it was one of our feeding sessions under Victor's supervision. Hunter was up and about soon enough, so I found excuses to help him with one thing or another. Clarence was always by his side, so it was always easy to rope Sebastian into a double “date” with them or even with Brendan and Maverick. Anything to keep us from being alone.
The truth was, it wasn't what Sebastian would do if we were alone that scared me. It was what I—or rather, my furry co-pilot—would do or say that we'd both live to regret.
Nighttime posed more difficulty. Victor was cold and distant, even when we shared the same bed. Not that I could blame him. I had a bad feeling that he had been in my head to witness my wolf's reaction to Sebastian's transformation, but I didn't know how to bring it up. He wasn't any closer when he was lying next to me than on Sebastian's nights when I slept alone. On those nights, it was almost torture to know that Sebastian was outside the door and all I had to do was say the word and he would be all too eager to hold me and give me all the affection I suddenly craved.
At least today I had an excuse for being just as frigid and distant towards Sebastian as Victor was being towards me. Victor had been gone since the day before, meeting up with the second-in-command of a neighboring pack who supposedly had news that couldn't be shared over the phone. Not now that we had discovered wiretaps, undoubtedly placed by Arthur on one of his many visits to the Lodge. Victor and Jason had removed them all, at least as far as we knew, but Ulric wasn't taking any chances.
“Okay, kiddo,” said Sebastian, opening the door to the lounge with a huge bag of Chinese food in his other hand. The staff lounge had become our go-to date spot since it was relatively private without being so private that I was uncomfortable being alone with him there. “Time to eat.”
“Did you order the entire menu?” I asked as he rifled through the huge bag.