The One That Got Away

by Lucy Dawson

  ‘Well, not really, if that’s what you want,’ she said eventu ally, clearly thinking I was very selfish indeed. ‘Actually, I’m not that surprised – I mean, you don’t exactly hide your light under a bushel, do you? Hmmmm,’ she continued disapprovingly, lifting her son up and sniffing him. ‘Has someone just done something a bit stinky?’

  Yes, frankly, they had. I resisted the temptation to lean over, grab the breadstick and beat her with it. What did she mean by that? I was selfish and bolshy?

  ‘Come and talk to me while I hose this one down. I think it’s gone all up his back …’ She stood up and carried her little boy out as I set my coffee cup down carefully on the table.

  ‘So tell me then,’ she mused loudly from the other room. ‘When do you think you’ll fancy getting all grown-up on us?’

  My mouth fell open with astonishment and I mutinously booted a soft toy duck up the bum as I got to my feet. I didn’t want to tell her anything. Except that I’d decided I didn’t like her any more. Luckily my phone rang and, gratefully, I answered it.

  ‘Sorry, Anita,’ I said, appearing in the bathroom moments later as she looked up from the changing mat, ‘but that was Pearce, he needs some background info for a meeting. I better get going.’

  ‘Oh?’ her voice became flirty. ‘And how is the lovely Pearce?’

  ‘Same old. Busy having his pick of the women. As I’m sure you remember,’ I added tartly, before I could stop myself.

  She wasn’t remotely abashed though. ‘Do I ever … if I wasn’t married and with this one …’ She raised an eyebrow and smirked. ‘Say hi to him from me, won’t you?’

  I let myself back into the house an hour later, stomped upstairs and switched on my computer. Why didn’t I fill them with water? – because I wasn’t a freak, that’s why. Stupid woman … She didn’t even know Dan – and what was so strange about my wanting to have a bit more fun, for crying out loud? Surely that was a normal thing?

  Several work emails appeared in my inbox. In amongst them was one that said

  Leo Williams sent you a message on Facebook …

  What? NO! I opened it quickly.

  Wow indeed! Hello! Have taken the plunge, yes … Well – long time no speak! I looked for you on here but didn’t know your married name! Life treating you well? Still in Brighton?

  My mobile rang. Dan.

  ‘Hello!’ I said chirpily, closing my laptop screen quickly with my free hand, as if he were somehow able to see all the way from London.

  ‘Hi.’ He sounded a bit tired.

  ‘You all right?’

  ‘Yeah, not bad.’ He sighed. ‘It’s been a mad day though. I dropped my roll on the floor by mistake at lunch so I just had to have soup and nothing else. My tummy has been making the most horrendous noises all afternoon, it’s been really embarrassing. Like an angry bear growling.’

  ‘Poor thing,’ I sympathised. ‘I’ll make you something nice when you get home.’

  ‘Thanks,’ he said, sounding cheered at the thought. ‘I’m so hungry I can’t even tell you. Has the food been delivered then?’

  ‘What food?’ I said instantly.

  ‘You did an online shop, didn’t you?’

  ‘No, what makes you think that?’

  ‘Well, because all we’ve got to eat is a packet of Krisprolls and some Oatibix.’

  ‘So you didn’t do one then?’ I asked, a bit confused.

  ‘Me?’ he said, surprised, like I’d asked if he’d done a lap of naked yodelling round the back garden. ‘Well, I can do it if you ask me to, but you need to give me some warning. I can’t just stop in the middle of a meeting and say to a client, “Sorry, I’ve got to go and—”’

  ‘It’s not a problem,’ I interrupted, tentatively lifting the screen back up. ‘I’ll go to the supermarket in a bit.’ Dan had a tendency to get slightly anxious when there wasn’t plenty to eat in the house, even though we were still trying to lose the couple of comfortable pounds we’d put on during our summer holiday.

  ‘Get healthy stuff though, won’t you?’ he said, as if reading my mind. ‘No pies or biscuits. Or beer,’ he added gloomily. ‘Or those nice kettle chips … Oh God. I hate my life.’

  ‘No, you don’t.’

  ‘I know,’ he sighed again. ‘I’m just feeling Monday-ish, that’s all. Anyway, what you up to?’

  ‘Finishing up some work,’ I fibbed.

  ‘Oh, sorry,’ he said instantly. ‘I’ll let you get back to it then. See you later. Love you.’ And then he was gone. I looked at Leo’s message again, sitting there innocently.

  Something told me to just delete it. But then wasn’t it a bit rude to ignore his question? We were both grownups with new lives, we could be civil, couldn’t we?

  Yes, still in Brighton. Good to see you looking so happy in your pictures. Take care

  There, that would sort it. It had a clear air of finality about it. Hastily, I deleted the thread and logged out. It was while I was getting rid of the email notification, just as I had done on Saturday, and from my BlackBerry too, that a telltale flickering began in the middle of my vision, a smattering of prickly bright lights. I blinked but when I opened my eyes again a blurred spot had appeared. I looked up and stared at the wall. Still there. My heart sank.

  I got up and immediately took one of my tablets, then emailed my boss Antony to say I was sorry but I had a migraine coming on and that was me over and out for the day. Then I switched off my phone, went into our bedroom and lay down on the bed, closed my eyes and tried to stay calm … but as usual, the buzzing pain behind my eyes kicked in about half an hour later. No wonder I’d been so irritable at Anita’s.

  When I eventually woke up, it was dark outside and I was cold and ravenously hungry. I sat up stiffly and stared at the clock –seven! I hadn’t had one this bad for a while. Dan arrived home ten minutes later to find me shuffling around our bedroom like Yoda, eating a biscuit and trying to find some PJs.

  ‘You all right? Your phone’s off ?’

  ‘I’ve had a migraine.’

  ‘Oh, you poor thing,’ he said immediately. ‘I wonder what brought that on? Are you going to come downstairs? Do you want something a bit more substantial than that to eat?’

  ‘No thanks.’

  ‘Have you been sick?’

  ‘No. I just feel a bit drained.’ I hesitated. ‘I might stay up here for a bit.’

  ‘I’ll leave you to it then,’ he said easily.

  When I appeared downstairs later, he was eating beans on toast in front of the TV which made me feel a bit guilty, it wasn’t much of a main meal given he’d been at work all day.

  ‘Is that really all there is?’ I nodded gingerly as I sat down next to him and leant my head on his shoulder for a moment. ‘Sorry.’

  He gave me a kiss. ‘It’s fine, don’t worry about me. Bad luck about your migraine. What’s the rest of your week like? Will you be able to make up today?’

  I yawned as I straightened up. ‘Not really. I’ve got that stupid sales conference in Windsor the day after tomorrow, haven’t I?’

  ‘Windsor’s this week?’ He pulled a face. ‘I’d forgotten that. When are you back? Thursday?’

  I reached for a cushion and lay my head down on the sofa arm. ‘Yeah.’

  ‘I hate to ask, but is there any chance you’ll be able do an online food shop before then? I could get a couple of bits tomorrow to tide us over and you can get them to deliver it on Wednesday night? I’ll be in.’

  ‘I’ll do it in the morning,’ I said. ‘I don’t want to go on the computer again tonight.’

  ‘Sure, or I can do it?’ he offered. ‘I don’t mind?’

  ‘Thanks but it’s no problem, really.’ Much as I loved him, we’d wind up with nothing but a million cans of beans, Guinness and some oven chips if he did it. I yawned again.

  ‘I think someone needs an early night … and maybe I’ll join you.’ He flickered his eyebrows suggestively. The expression on my face must have given me away becaus
e he laughed. ‘Or not …’

  ‘Perhaps tomorrow,’ I said weakly. ‘When I’m feeling a bit better.’ Then as we both fell into companionable silence, I found myself thinking back to what Anita had said earlier and snuck a look at him.

  No, she was wrong. Of course she was wrong.

  He’d never do a thing like that.

  Chapter Six

  Hang on! You didn’t say how you are? So, married but … Kids? Pets? House with roses round door? Living the suburban dream? X

  Leo’s new message arrived seconds before my mum rang. I was still scanning through it as I picked up the phone.

  ‘Hello, love!’ she said cheerfully. ‘Having a nice afternoon? What are you up to?’

  ‘Nothing …’ I said, a little too sharply. ‘Just working; the usual.’

  ‘Is everything all right? You sound a bit tetchy.’

  I rubbed my face tiredly and sighed. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap. I’ve had a testing couple of days.’

  ‘Oh?’

  I hesitated. ‘I had a migraine yesterday after coffee with this girl Anita I used to work with … she just wound me up a bit.’

  ‘In what way?’ Mum sounded concerned.

  ‘She asked me if there was any biological reason why Dan and I haven’t had kids yet and when I said no, she pretty much told me to grow up and get on with it.’

  There was a long pause. ‘I’m not sure I know what to say to that,’ Mum said carefully.

  ‘I know,’ I said wearily. ‘I didn’t either, I just sort of insulted her back – which she’ll no doubt think proved her point … I seem to be on a bit of a short fuse this week.’ I thought uncomfortably of Sunday lunch at Dan’s parents.

  ‘Why? Has something else has happened?’ Mum asked.

  I told her what I’d said to Michael.

  ‘Oh Molly …’ Mum was appalled.

  ‘I know … I didn’t mean to – it just sort of happened.’ I stared absently at the computer screen in front of me, Leo’s message beginning to swim in and out of focus. ‘Michael was being so cruel to Dan … and he was pretty rude to me too. Dan wasn’t happy with me afterwards though.’

  Mum sighed. ‘Michael managed to push quite a lot of buttons by the sound of it. What you said was dreadful, but deep down, I’m sure Dan knows you were only trying to defend your patch, little terrier that you are. Do remember though, darling, that when you feel backed into a corner, you don’t always have to come out fighting. I love that you’re brave enough to stand up and be counted – but you have to bear in mind that sometimes people mistake that bark of yours for attack when it’s defence,’ she paused. ‘It’s all right to be frightened sometimes, you know.’

  ‘Michael doesn’t scare me,’

  I corrected her. ‘I wasn’t necessarily talking about him. Just give it some thought,’ Mum urged gently. ‘Have you got time to pop in tomorrow for a cup of tea?’

  I shook my head regretfully. ‘No, I haven’t. I’ve got to go to Windsor for a sales conference in the morning – and stay up there overnight,’ I added glumly.

  ‘Never mind,’ Mum said briskly. ‘It’ll be over before you know it. Come to lunch on Sunday instead then, I’ll do a roast.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I was cheered at the thought. ‘That’d be nice.’

  In fact I felt much better for speaking to her and once I’d hung up quickly typed to Leo:

  No pets, no kids. Renting since we sold our place but now can’t find anywhere we like – suburban nightmare more like! X

  It was only once I’d sent it that I realised with dismay I’d thoughtlessly added a kiss to the end of the message. A small warning bell went off in the back of my mind at the same time as a second email arrived with another merry Ping!

  Facebook; Leo Williams has sent you a message …

  I know what you mean! We had to move last year because of the girls’ school – I’ve got two stepdaughters now – CAN’T BELIEVE I’ve moved to get into a better catchment area … what has happened to me?!

  I couldn’t help smiling at that, and he’d ignored the kiss. Phew. I paused for a moment, relieved, my fingers hovering over the keyboard as I thought up an equally light response.

  Tough being a grown-up eh? Do you also have a 4×4 for school run? If so, transformation is complete!

  I pictured Leo behind the wheel in one of his sharp suits, important corporate ‘access all areas’ pass round his neck, but two kids in the backseat. Funny …

  And yet my short-lived ease and the buzz of friendly banter began to drain away as I looked at the transcript of our exchange on the screen in front of me.

  It wasn’t that we’d said anything remotely inappropriate, we hadn’t. It just didn’t feel – quite right. It wasn’t as if I was catching up with an old friend … it was Leo.

  The fact that I couldn’t bring myself to admit to Bec that I’d emailed him, when she called me later that night, just confirmed that I knew I’d inadvertently misbehaved. I decided then and there if he messaged me again I’d just ignore it. Instead I filled her in on the other events of the last few days.

  ‘So is there other stuff you still want to do then?’ Bec sounded a bit confused. ‘Is that what’s putting you off starting now?’

  ‘Maybe,’ I floundered. ‘Dan and I have never worked abroad—’

  ‘You’re moving to another country?’ she said, alarmed.

  ‘No! We haven’t even talked about it …’ I trailed off. ‘It’s just once we start down this route—’

  ‘Having children is a big decision,’ she admitted, ‘but I think it’s great that you’re going into it with your eyes wide open.’ And then she ever so slightly slipped into professional mode: ‘It’s important you both talk about it, even if it does get a bit heated – it’s the couples that don’t you worry about.’

  I fell silent.

  ‘I’ve seen it so many times at work,’ she continued, ‘one of them is really overexcited about the pregnancy and the other one is totally disinterested – and you just know they’re not going to last. Some of them split up before the baby is even born.’

  The thought of being without Dan made me feel sick.

  ‘Don’t panic though Moll, it wouldn’t be impossible if you left it another two or three years until you start trying, but …’ she took a deep breath, ‘if it were me –’

  I winced. It was always hard to know if it was OK to talk to Bec about stuff like this, knowing that she very much wanted a baby of her own.

  ‘– I’d get started in the new year. Facts are facts, Moll. Nice though it would be, none of us have got a picture in the attic, have we?’

  ‘Does it hurt, Bec?’ I blurted suddenly. ‘Giving birth I mean.’

  She laughed. ‘No Moll, fairies magic it out. Didn’t you know?’

  I laughed too, but slightly awkwardly. ‘Right, I’d better go,’ I said brightly. ‘I’m going all wrinkly and the water’s gone cold. Love you!’

  ‘You’re in the bath? Oh sorry – I’ll leave you in peace. Love you too,’ she said, and then she was gone.

  ‘Did I hear you talking to someone?’ Dan said when I walked back into our bedroom.

  ‘Bec,’ I hung my towel over the radiator wondering what he’d heard me say. Thank goodness I hadn’t mentioned Leo’s messages. I climbed into bed next to him.

  ‘She all right?’ he said.

  I nodded. I just wanted to snuggle up to him, try and relax. I really didn’t want to do any more talking to anyone about anything.

  But neither it seemed did he.

  It wasn’t long before he was reaching to find a condom in the bedside table as I stared up at the ceiling feeling dreamily light as a feather and altogether much better.

  ‘I can’t … find …’ he rummaged around and nearly knocked his water over. I heard some of it splash. ‘Oh bollocks.’

  ‘Leave it,’ I said, eyes closed, starting to float back down to earth ever so slightly. ‘I’ll sort it afterwards. Why don’t you just put the ligh
t back on so you can see what you’re doing?’ I yawned.

  ‘Finally!’ he said. I heard the small cardboard packet open and the tear of the wrapper. He was ready instantly. I wriggled under him but as he groaned happily, I opened my eyes in the darkness. ‘Dan, is that on properly? I can’t feel it.’

  ‘Yeah, it’s fine.’ He breathed. ‘Absolutely fine.’

  I put my arms uncertainly round his neck and closed my eyes again as he kissed me briefly. I really couldn’t feel it, but then did I notice it usually? Bizarrely I found I couldn’t remember, ridiculous given the number of times we must have done it. But then nine times out of ten I saw him put it on, as we pretty much never turned the light off.

  Which was a good point. Why had he turned it off? In fact why had he turned it off and then been ready to go at the speed of light? And why couldn’t I feel it?

  He had put it on, hadn’t he?

  But then why wouldn’t he have?

  Having said that, why hadn’t he suggested NOT using one – like last time? If he was so eager to ‘get started’ why had he just happily reached for a condom … that I now couldn’t feel?

  And then I saw him in my mind standing there holding the pin and the condom.

  I heard Anita’s voice say ‘taking matters into his own hands’.

  Then I remembered him saying ‘Everyone’s thinking “Come on Dan – be the man!”’ and ‘I don’t want to be an old dad!’

  My eyes opened again in the dark.

  ‘Dan,’ I drew back ever so slightly. ‘Seriously, I can’t feel it. The condom. Do you think it could have,’ I gasped, ‘come off?’

  ‘No, I don’t,’ he slowed down slightly. ‘It’s fine. It doesn’t matter, just relax.’

  It didn’t matter?

  Whoa, whoa, WHOA! Yes, it did.

  I felt myself shrink away from him immediately. ‘Just stop a minute.’

  He didn’t. ‘That feels amazing.’

  ‘Dan!’ I shouted. And then I hit his shoulder, hard.

  He stopped and then reached out and fumbled with the light switch. I winced at the look on his face. ‘Did you just hit me?’ he said incredulously.